vent-long, sorry in advance

cnf2013

This is going to be a half bitchfit and half AW, so heads up.

I have been bouncing around the same three stupid pounds for months now. Months. For real. The three days leading up to my trip I finally dropped under that three pound range and saw some marked loss. Then I went away for ten days. And now I've been back for a week, slipped seamlessly back into my routine and with the exception of a couple sugar cookies yesterday (screw whoever bring cookies to work, jerk) I've had a perfect week. I lost about a pound and half of the two and half pounds I "gained" pretty quickly, But the last pound won't budge so I'm thinking this last one isn't water weight. And now I'm back to where I started, where I've been stuck, for over two months. Like seriously, body whatthfuck. 

I have to keep reminding myself that I want to be healthy and that reaching my "goal weight" is an added bonus. But I grew up in a very weight concisious house and weight was the center of many discussions. I was made to feel like my weight was part of who I was and that to some degree it partial defined me. I struggled with an eating disorder all throughout high school. I only ate a few hundred calories a day (on days I actually ate), spent upwards of three hours a day working out, and dropped over 40 pounds in the first year of my disorder alone. I'm so frustrated because I want to be healthy, but I also want to feel happy with myself, and at the weight I am now, I don't. I'm sure it's mostly a mentally thing, permantnly burned into my brain as a byproduct of growing up in a household where weight was such a big deal and having had an eating disorder. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm unhappy with my weight. I have to remember I want to be healthy because I know how to do it the unhealthy way. I know I can lose the very quickly if I was to start doing what I did in high school. But that's so bad and it makes me crazy. 

I have my boudoir photos on March 4th. My goal is to be under 130 pounds by then, but at this rate I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm 5-6 pounds away and not pudging on the scale. And I really need to be under 130 to have a snowballs chance in hell of coming anywhere near my goal weight by the time I need to start getting my dress fitted. And I just don't think I'm going to make it. 

Now for my vague AW. I just need to remind myself what a 26lbs loss on my 5'3" frame looks like. 

Picture from when we bought our house a year and a half ago.

From my cousins engagement party, at my absolute heaviest of 162. That's me on the far right. Yuck.

This morning at 135.4. Ignore how messy our vestibule is.

My hair was still wet from my shower and our house is a mess, but there it is. 

Okay. /bitchfit. 

  

Lobsters25

1. You look awesome.  In all of the pictures.
2. In the second picture, holy butt woman!  That's not a yuck-that's a BAM!  Completely inappropriate of me, but that isn't overweight, that is awesome curves.  There, I said it.
3. You need to be happy with YOU, and figure out how you can do that for yourself.  You clearly have a lot of history with this, and I am sorry for everything you went through, but am so glad you have things a bit better figured out now.

I guess my question is - what will it take for you to throw away the scale?  I mean trash it, not hide it, and switch to only measuring yourself once a week/every other week.  As you continue to train and build muscle, you are going to get smaller, but not necessarily weigh any less, because you don't have much to lose. So the scale is going to work against all of your wonderful progress of which you should be so proud.

You look phenomenal, and I don't think you have anything to worry about, but you need to get away from the sources making you think otherwise. 

cnf2013

I wish I could trow the scale out since it's just pissing me off, but FI uses it too. He's losing weight as well and would be very mad if I chucked it. I should ask him to steal me a pair of calipers from his work though. Body fat percentage is a good idea. 

My goal weight is 120lbs and I kind of settled on that because it was the weight I got to and settled at, for a while after recovering from my ED. It was what I weighed when FI and I started dating and it's a weight I feel comfortable at and actually like the way I look at. I mean, I doesn't really matter in the long run, but for my own sanity it'd be nice to at least get out of the 130's. I'm doing a boudoir shoot soon and while the photos are for FI's wedding gift, I also want to be able to look back on them some day and be happy about how good I look. 

nycrose2013

I'm sorry you feel that way.Eating disorders suck and I know that thinking can creep back up on you, and you need to do everything you can to avoid that. We are about the same weight with the same goal, and I get frustrated too. I just try to focus on the new muscles that are popping up out of nowhere, and that part of my stomach that used to be poochy and is now a little flatter, rather than getting pissed that the scale won't budge.

I second everyone who said you should try to let go of the number, because it doesn't really matter, but I know that's pretty hard to do. I wish i had better advice for you, but a history of EDs is too sensitive of an issue for me to feel like I can really give any advice. Good luck girl, and you look awesome the way you are.

lovelyheather

Have you been tracking measurements as well?  It might be better to focus on that instead of the number on the scale. 

Congratulations on the 26 lb loss; you look amazing!  I know recovery is tough.  You are doing a great job with losing weight and staying healthy. 

entropicbeauty

I will go ahead and echo everyone that you look good! I think you actually look good in ALL the photos (and agree with Lobsters inappropriate comment on the second photo!)

I know it doesn't mean much if you don't FEEL good, but maybe if you work on readjusting your viewpoint you can come to an understanding with yourself. You've OBVIOUSLY made a lot of progress as it is already and you look FANTASTIC.

You may also need to consider that your body might just be really happy at the weight it is, so every lb. lower than this might be a real challenge. At your 120 weight, how much of that was muscle? I'm guessing if you lost a bunch of weight due to an ED that you were probably all skin and bones and not a lot of muscle mass...if I had to guess, now that you've lost weight the healthy way, your body has a completely different composition and INCH wise you might be just as small as you were at 120. 

As PPs have said, it's just a number on a scale - maybe you should do a month of not weighing yourself like some of the other ladies on here are doing. If you have an unhealthy relationship with the scale then take it out of the equation and just focus on how you feel.

SunriseAmber

I have to agree with the PP - I do think you look amazing in all the photos. I can understand your frustration with being around three pounds and what a pain in the butt it is but you do look fabulous.

gershpjp

i agree with all the other ladies!  you look amazing! maybe you have more muscle and thats affecting the scale? have you been changing up your diet? i know sometimes when i can't break a plateau i'll cut down on carbs to once a day. you look amazing and i'm dying to get into the 130's, i'm very jealous of where you are right now! i'm just getting started on WW and training for a half marathon in hopes of slimming down in the next couple of months.

cnf2013

Thank you to you all! You are all wonderfully supportive and I'm really glad I'm able to come here and spill my guts and get such positive feedback.

Entropic, very good points about body composition. I really do need find secondary forms of measurements other than just scale to remind myself it's okay to be stuck at one weight because other factors take place too. 

I feel better about it just getting that vent off my chest. And kind words never hurt either. 

You gals rock!

entropicbeauty

Glad you're feeling better about it! That's really what this board is about - support network extraordinare!