Guest List Etiquette?

shishigami26

Sorry if this is kind of long, but I need you girls' perspectives and advice. I haven't posted this on the Etiquette Board, because I'm pretty sure I'll get yelled at.

Let me start by saying that, excluding one brother, my entire family lives in VA. My mom and dad came from fairly large families, so I have a number of aunts, uncles, and cousins that I am quite close with. We are planning on having a reception in VA at some point after the wedding, but I still plan on sending them invites just in case they can make it here for the wedding.

FI's family, on the other hand, is not quite so extensive or close. His parents have been separated for around 10 years, but not divorced. FI has no aunts/uncles on his mom's side, and no first cousins. He has more distant relatives through his grandmother, but only sees them once every 3-5 years. We've friended some of them on FB, but I have met maybe a handful over the past three years of living here.  On his dad's side, he has a few aunts/uncles/cousins. FI has decided that of his family, he only wants to invite those he's closet with/to.

From other discussions I've seen or read about the guest list, it seems like each family or parent is supposed to get a guest "wish list." But the above decision by FI, along with our budget and etc, has put me in an odd predicament with making the guest list.

1) Am I correct to want to send invites to my side of the family, even though we plan to have a reception at a later date in VA?
2) If FI only wants to invite those in his family closest to him by relationship or w/e, should we still give his parents a number of people they can invite?
3) If it would be okay in this instance to not give them a guest wish list, what is the best way to bring this up? Would it be better just to meet with his mom's side and tell them due to budget, we want to keep the invites to close family and friends? I definitely don't want to not mention it, and then have them wondering at the reception why _____ wasn't there.

I really want to go about this the correct way and not make anyone upset, so any advice you can give is appreciated!

CATurren

We have had some of the same problems.

1-You can send invites, as long as you include them in your initial head count.  You don't want to totally believe they aren't coming then when you get their RSVP and you're 10 over, you're stuck.

2-Yes, give them a number and be firm on it!  It's a awkward situation, but it is y'alls wedding, no need for people you don't know, never will know and will never see again to take a spot for someone you want to be there.

3-Again, just make sure she sticks to the number given.  I wouldn't let her make an official "wish list" just in case there is no room.  Maybe after you get some no RSVPs back ask her if there os someone she would like to invite.

My FI's stepmother wanted to invite ALL of her family.  We wanted 150 guests TOPS, so we split it down the middle, each of us getting 75 people.  His stepmother got her list together and had about 90.  I just had to lay my foot down and say, you choose or I will.  I am paying for this wedding and I am only paying for 150 people.  She tried to offer money for extras, but we already had downpayments on everything.

What we are doing is sending out announcements to those that are not officially invited.  I asked my FI that once some RSVPs come in, if there are any he wants to move up from annoucement to invite list, to let me know and we can make that happen.

I hope this helps!

professorscience

1 - That's a tough one.  I would do what PP suggested - still invite them, but definitely plan on them coming. 

2/3 - I would still give them a "wish list."  As much as the wedding is about the two of you, it is at least a nice gesture to include both of your parents in this part.  My husband comes from a really big family, so I expected her list to be pretty big, but I was shocked when the names she handed me doubled the list my husband and I AND my parents had come up with (my parents only added about 4 names).  You can give them a set number of people to invite, but make sure you're sticking to your own standards.  If you only want your parents inviting family, then make sure they're doing that and not inviting some friends.  One of our biggest issues was that MIL wanted to invite some of FIL's clients to whose children's weddings they had been invited (kind of returning the favor), and we were able to put our foot down on those and say, "No."

I would just be honest about your guest list and say, "Okay, you may invite 'x' people -- that includes dates, spouses, children, whatever.  'X' is all you get.

shishigami26

Thanks for the advice ladies! I'll have to think more about the first question I asked. With my family on the list we're sitting at around 120 people, but really want to keep it to 75 max for the ceremony/reception.

Is there a good number to give parents to invite? I.e., would giving each of FI's parents 5 people to invite be too small and kind of rude/insulting?

MarieSD

I think a lot depends on what his parents want/expect (not that they will necessarily get that, but just to know where to start).

For example, my ILs expected that we were having a very big wedding, including all 200+ of their extended family members. They started drafting "their part" of the guest list right away. I had to tell them our venue (and our budget, haha) could only hold 150 people, and they could invite 50 people. (To make it fair, I used the idea of 1/3 for his family, 1/3 for my family, and 1/3 for our friends/wedding party to get that number.)

On the other hand, my parents only had about 20 people they wanted to invite total -- including family and their couple friends. So I just asked them who they wanted to invite -- I didn't give them a number upfront because I knew it wouldn't be that many people.

So, either your FI can talk with his parents, something like "we're keeping it very very small ...I already invited Cousin Betty and Aunt/Uncle So-and-so... was there anyone else you really wanted there?" Unless of course you know they'd want to invite everyone they've ever met ... in which case you two decide how many extra spots you have, and stick firm to it.