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Pre-wedding Parties

Don't want a Bachelorette Party- but probably getting one anyway

So here's the thing: My good friend who is going to be one of my bridesmaids (I'm not having an official MOH) wants to throw me a Bachelorette Party. She wanted to do a Bridal Shower, but my aunt was already doing one for me and the friend was a little put out that she couldn't do it. I'm a low-key kind of person and if I had to have anything resembling a Bachelorette Party, I would perfer to just go to someone's house and chill out with some snacks and maybe a little alcohol. I have had to reign my friend so much. She started off wanting to get a hotel (all my BMs are on budgets and i don't want to ask them to pay for that). and I had to talk her out of that. Then she was getting ready to move to a touristy area and I had an idea. I could get my party to go down to the shopping area of that town, window shop, and then go back to her appartement and chill! compromise! But now she wants everybody to pay to go to one of the (really expensive) shows. I have no interest in seeing any of the shows down there, and one BM has already raised concerns about the price. She also wanted to do all this The day before the Wedding- which I nixed but it took me months to get that through to her. I know I'm not supposed to plan my own party, but I feel like she is doing what she wants and not what I want and I'm having to plan it anyway in realing her in. She's also very sensitive and gets her feeling hurt easily when she's critisized. I guess I'm half venting and half asking if I should have a talk with her and tell her to just forget it, or try to real her in again or what?

Re: Don't want a Bachelorette Party- but probably getting one anyway

  • Also, I realize the Bachelorette Party is a gift and not a right, but It's not something I'm terribly interested in, it's more her that's interested in it than me. I also feel like if the Bachelorette Party is too expensive that I'll get blamed for it by the other maids and friends even though I didn't plan it and went along with it.
  • If she won't listen to the concerns of you and your other BMs, decline the party. When she asks just keep repeating that you don't want anything, you don't anyone to spend any more money on you and change the subject. She'll eventually get the hint. 
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  • It doesn't sound like you are going to be able to tone down your friends plans enough to suit your style. You should tell her 'Thanks, but no thanks.' Let her know you appreciate her efforts, but a bp is not for you and you don't want to stress the bp's budgets.


  • I'm also of the no-Bachelorette party stripe (I'm not a bar-hopper, and we're all on a tight budget), so I had a long chat with my bridesmaids about it, together, to try to come up with an idea that made us all happy. We ended up deciding on a pool party at a friend's - shouldn't cost anyone much, and now that the overall concept is settled on, I'm stepping completely away from any planning about it. It might be good to get together with the entire group of BMs and have a chat about some things (not just this one thing or it could seem like you're attacking her/her ideas), where everyone can field ideas.

    It is a gift, but that doesn't make you obligated to go through something you don't want to do.
    lasvegasveganbride
  • In Response to Re: Don't want a Bachelorette Party- but probably getting one anyway:
    I'm also of the no-Bachelorette party stripe (I'm not a bar-hopper, and we're all on a tight budget), so I had a long chat with my bridesmaids about it, together, to try to come up with an idea that made us all happy. We ended up deciding on a pool party at a friend's - shouldn't cost anyone much, and now that the overall concept is settled on, I'm stepping completely away from any planning about it. It might be good to get together with the entire group of BMs and have a chat about some things (not just this one thing or it could seem like you're attacking her/her ideas), where everyone can field ideas. It is a gift, but that doesn't make you obligated to go through something you don't want to do.
    Posted by thousandtrees
    This sounds like a good idea in theory, but you still risk making your BMs upset about spending money (not your BMs, obviously, just a general you). You should never to talk to anyone else about hosting a party for you. If you want to get all the girls together you can organize a girls night with everyone, just don't call it a b-party and don't associate it with your wedding at all. Then you can all still hang out and no one has to worry about going broke over it. 
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  • Thanks, everybody. I tried talking with her, but I don't know if it quite got through. Time will tell, i suppose.
  • My MOH is going to be the same way. I am newly engaged and she already is trying to plan pre wedding and after wedding parties! She wants to go clubbing (myself and most of my BM's don't drink), then she wanted to go out of town (we are all on budgets) and now she is getting offended. I told her that I jjust didnt want to make my BM's go through the expense of going out and I just want to have dinner somewhere and hang out. She didn't really like it but she's gonna have to. I am the same like you though. I don't want to be tricked into some surprise party and I feel like she will anyway.  I also don't want an after party...I want to spend the time after our brunch reception with my husband!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I am stuck! I made it VERY clear that I didn't want any type of celebration (no blette party, no dinner out, no nothing!) and I just found out there's a surprise dinner in the city for me THIS Saturday night. I am hurt because it's something I am really uncomfortable with (HATE being the center of attention, and feel like if you'd like to come celebrate, please come dance your @ss off at the reception I am paying an arm and a leg for!). Now if I say anything about not wanting to have this dinner, I look like a horrible, ungrateful brat. I was up all night crying over it last night and am not being coy about it- I am really uncomfortable with it. What do I do? Do I keep my mouth shut and just grin and bear it or do I tell the hostesses that I am really hurt and upset?
  • I wish I could claim brilliant premeditation that our (my fiance and my) three female attendants all live quite a distance away.  I can't imagine doing the traditional bacholarette party.  Besides that one does not drink for religious reasons, and two out of three are lesbians who I doubt would enjoy a Chippendales-esque experience, it just seems to me such a waste of money.  If anything, I'd probably enjoy a co-ed, low-key get together maybe at The Cheesecake Factory or playing mini-golf, but as one ought not to plan one's one celebration, there's no hope for that being conveyed.

    I suggest you decline.  And, in a pinch, plead migraine or food poisoning.

  • Your ticker says you have been married for 10 months. Is that accurate, or is it like mine and full of lies due to the glitch with the new board format? If you're married, you shouldn't be having any pre-wedding parties. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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