How to cancel the Shower

augurey

This might be long, but I'll try not to make it so.

My mom is/was throwing the Shower, set for Nov 3, just a little over a week away.

Recent drama with my mom now has her not wanting to come to the wedding/shower.

It basically covered some transportation issues and her having her feelings hurt because FI's sisters scheduled me a hair appointment instead of her doing my hair (we were going to do it because of budget), the fact that I bought jewelry at the bridal store (not knowing she was planning on having me wear anything of hers), and that I told her I would like to go pick out our guest book (she offered to pick up for us).

I didn't realize those were such big things to her, but I tried asking if there was anything else meaningful I could wear on the wedding day & she wouldn't give me an answer. I tried to come up with some other things that I could wear that would be meaningful & I was trying to come up with something special for the day of for her to show my appreciation as she has been a HUGE help in planning (though swears that is not the case).

But the above resulted in her callig me a snob and bridezilla. Granted I know I didn't handle it the best that I could of, but what is done is done and I'm not sure I really could have done much to make it better.

She's no longer coming to the wedding (her decision) and she told me that I need to cancel the shower & that she refuses to do it, it's on me.

So, I guess, what do I say when I call these people? There's only 11. I need to do this tomorrow as some people are traveling 3 hour round trip for this.

Additionally, FI's godmother mailed us a gift because she can't attend... if the shower is canceled, do we send it back? What's the protocol for this?

MairePoppy

Wow! Your mom is over reacting to some imagined slights.

Assuming that either your mom was paying for the shower or hosting it at her house, I guess you have no choice but to cancel the party. The best way is by phone to make sure everyone gets the message in a timely manner. Does your mom have a sister or best friend? Start with that person. She may be able to talk some sense into your mom. Or she may at least be willing to help with the phone calls. I hope someone else will step-up, because your mom is being unreasonable.

You should let fi's Godmother know that the shower has been cancelled and ask her when/how you may return her gift. I have a feeling that she will tell you to keep it.

Best wishes.

TheVirginians

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your mom. You can just call the eleven and say plans changed. No need for details. Maybe you and she can repair your relationship in the coming weeks. Just tell her how much you love her, that you are sorry for the misunderstandings, and ask what can you do to make things better. Ask her please to come to the wedding.

kfauls

I am very sorry to hear this- your mother does sound entirely unreasonable, and it is very sad she does not want to be part of her daughter's big day. But what is done is done, call your guests and tell them due to unforseen circumstaces the shower has been delayed/cancelled.
or...
If it is in your budget and/or your guests budgets why dont you do a spa day? where all of you can go to a local spa and get facials, or even go as a group to go get pampered at the local nail place. It will be unconventional, but as long as you are in a small group you could still have lots and lots of fun! I'm sure they all already have the time off from work, so why not just make the most of it. Instead of letting your mother drag you down?

augurey

Thanks for the advice. I was honestly flabberghasted about it all, but maybe there's more to it - maybe she's going through something else. She was the last time she lashed out as such (though not quite as bad as this).

She tried "apologizing" this morning, but it was only in a way to make me feel more crappy.

It wouldn't be too difficult to reach out to those invited. 3 - his family; 2 - his close friends; 6 - my family.

We're going to try and talk tonight. Hopefully things will work out. I am going to ask her if there is anything else going on that may have "triggered" it. I'm not heartless, I want her to be open with me about other things, especially as they are more important.

My mom was having the shower at my house since she lives an hour and a half away & can't really afford to have it somewhere else that would cost money. So I don't know if that would make it my responsibility to cancel or not. But regardless. FI suggested to press on & get the food ourselves. I'm not sure how that would be etiquettely speaking.

I've tried so hard to include my mom in as much as possible, but there are just some things that I think FI and I should pick out. Certain things are important to me & it doesn't mean I'm trying to hurt her with it.

I actually felt really badly about the hair thing. I honestly did not know how important it was to her - but it was also very important to me in the experience to get my hair done at a salon. I cannot express how grateful and happy I was when FI's sisters told me that it was their gift to me. Since I found out how my mom felt about it, I've been wracking my brain trying to figure something else I could wear of hers that would be meaningful. I've also been trying to think of something special I can do for her the day of because I do want to show her that I love her and I appreciate her love and support through everything.

I just hope that our talk tonight can resolve things. But even if things do get resolved, I just don't feel right about the shower. After everything that was said, I just feel kind of selfish having one at this point.

TheVirginians

You sound sincere in trying to work it all out with your Mom. I hope you two get along well tonight.