Can't Afford Friend's Bachelorette Party, she is mad!

strawberriquen

In early March I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding that is in August. She was in my wedding that actually took place this past month. She currently lives in Washington DC, but will be having her wedding in Boston, where I and her other bridesmaids live. She traveled to my wedding this past month.

Last month, she asked me if I could afford to attend a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. I looked up ticket prices and found they were around $450-500 range, and between drinks and meals for the whole weekend, it would be over $800 for the weekend, and I just knew that wasn't doable. I let her know right away that I couldn't afford it.

After my wedding, my new husband and I went to Galveston for a few days to get away because my sister works for a hotel chain and got us a terrific rate, plus my husband travels often, and we got cheap tickets through using his Airline miles. Also, my parents are graciously paying for us to go to Maui this summer as an incredible wedding present, and we are super grateful.

Two days ago, my friend texts me and says, "Wow, that's nice you can go to on two trips when money is so tight." I was very upset because she knows nothing of my finances. My husband and I have a mortgage, car payment, utilities, etc. every month. Before all this happened she and I were planning a trip in which I was going going to visit her in DC for a weekend and party. I've been saving up for this trip for three months now, putting away some money each paycheck, but now I feel this is not going to be good enough for her. Should I suck it up and put a trip to Vegas on the credit card or stand my ground? Thanks!

MandK9

NO you shouldn't spend more than your means just because she's being judgy.  She's completely out of line.  What you do with your money is absolutely none of your business, and seriously, that's a pretty big order, asking someone to spend close to $1000 for a party for themselves.  Screw that. I'd be pissed.

waltzingmatilda13

No, you should never put yourself in debt for someone else's party. 

If you want to salvage the friendship though, I would talk to her about all of this. Let her know that these trips you're taking are gifts from various family members and you would never be able to take them otherwise. Tell her how disappointed you are that you can't go, but you just can't afford it right now. Hopefully she will see the error of her ways when she learns that you aren't just throwing money around and backing out of her bach party.

MairePoppy

I agree with Retread. You do not owe her an explanation about your finances. I think the bride has a lot of nerve to expect her friends to fly across the country for her bachelorette party.

The bride shouldn't be planning her own bp.Whoever is planning it, should have made sure it was affordable for everyone.

ajroark

Definitely stand your ground! Your finances and how you choose to spend them are none of her business! Even if it wasn't about money and you just didn't want to go to the bachelorette party, you have every right to decline the invitation. I personally wouldn't try to explain your financial situation to her just because 1. IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS and 2. I doubt she'd believe you anyway. This girl is being completely selfish and I would just wait for her cool down and realize how self-centered she's being.

hlq2011

This is precisely why we tell brides all the time not to assume they know the finances of their wedding party, family members, or guests.

You don't need to justify your trips to us, or to her.  That said, if this friendship is something you want to save, you may want to consider biting the bullet and explaining the situation.

But you shouldn't have to.  What you do with your money is your business, and she needs to understand that just because people may be willing to spend money on themselves doesn't mean they need to be willing to spend that same money on others.

Summer2011Bride

She's being a jerk on this particular issue. I wouldn't even defend myself to her or explain how you afforded those two trips--you don't owe her that and it's not her business. I would never spend that much just for a bachelorette party. That's a tall order to ask that of someone. Plus, is she planning her OWN b-party? Very tacky.

LauraleeMarc

I thoroughly agree with all PPs.
Why don't you talk to her about doing a BP closer to home and having it be just as fun? (or as close to fun as Vegas could be, LOL.) I'm sure she would appriciate someone else planning her party than to expect Vegas.

shopgrl3177

Wow, what an awful friend!  Congratulations on getting a trip to Hawaii, that sounds amazing!  Have a wonderful time!  I don't think you need to justify your trips to your friend, however, if you want to save the friendship you might have to suck it up and explain your trips.  I can't believe she expects people to spend so much money on her B-party.  Last year I was a BM in my cousin's wedding.  She was mad because she wanted us to get the most expensive suite at a local hotel for her B-party.  I spend about $300 on her shower and I knew her B-party was going to be expensive so I told her I could not afford the suite.  I offered to chip in on a less expensive room and she was furious.  Where do these brides get off???

goobersinlove

I sense that you feel like you OWE her something just because she traveled to your wedding, etc. You don't.

And just to reiterate what everyone else said before me, she is totally out of line on giving you a hard time for not flying to Vegas to drop something like a mortgage payment on her self-planned party. You do not owe her any explaination for the trips you are already going on, or anything regarding your finances.

If I had that kind of extra money for a trip, it certainly would NOT be for someone else's party.

My comeback would be to ask her if she would like you to cancel your two previously booked trips so you can accomodate her. If she has even one thread of integrity, she knows that yes would be the wrong answer.

KJ7985

I would tell her what you told us. From the outside looking in, she's probably thinking you have all this money (because you're going on other trips) and you just don't want to go. You don't have to send her a spreadsheet of your finances, but just explain that you don't have the money to go. My fiance had his bachelor party in Vegas and really regrets it--it was crazy expensive (not so much the flight and hotel, but all those drinks and stuff really add up)!!! If you're in doubt about going, definitely don't go. Throwing her a bachelorette closer to home would be a very nice gesture though!

[Deleted User]

For the sake of salvaging the friendship I'd say something to her about it.  Just what you did to us- you don't need to go into gory detail about how much money you have or spend a month/year. 

FI was going to do his bachelor party in Vegas and got really hurt when a lot of guys couldn't make it.  We had the same conversations "well so-in-so can't make it but I know they just bought X" or "I know he took off work for Y."  I had to gently remind FI that $800 for a weekend may not be doable and we don't know everyone's finances.  It's a big financial commitment- that someone would jump at and others would definitely stay away from.  After some coaxing FI changed his bachelor party location and soooo many more guys can go now.  He was hurt personally by people not agreeing to go, I just had to remind him that it's not personal- strictly financial.  He understood what I was saying and is really happy now that he's changed his location.  They'll still have fun, there will be more people there and it will be much cheaper.

She may have just seen that you went on your trip and "spoke" too soon.  She probably (hopefully!) realizes she should have kept her mouth shut.  If you want to work on the friendship, just approach her nicely about it.  A lot of times women will say things without thinking just based on how they feel at the time.  I'd give her another chance (and see how she reacts!).

strawberriquen

I let my friend know about how I afforded the trips.  It's been a week and 5 days, and I have yet to hear anything back from her since I told her about it all.  In that same conversation I asked her when she thought would be a good time for me to visit DC, and she told me not to bother if money was so tight.  I'm somewhat at a loss for what to do at this point.  I've reached out a few times through text and email, and I'm getting the cold shoulder.  Should I keep reaching out, or wait for her to?  Your first advice was awesome....thanks!

jemmini6

Seriously?  She's expecting you to not go on a HM so that you can go to her bachelorette party?  What a bitch.

You definitely should not put this trip on your credit card.  There is no friend or family member that is worth going into debt for, particularly for a stupid party that she's having a major attitude about.

If you'd like to resolve the situation without hurting the friendship (although with that type of person, I'm not sure that I would), I would let her know that you saved for a short HM and that you are being gifted the trip to Hawaii, so she shouldn't make assumptions about your financial situation and that if you could afford it, you really would have liked to go.

lalaith50

I didn't read all the previous posts.. but. while I don't think that you *owe* her an explanation, if you do want to salvage your friendship then it might be wise to explain to her.

If I were her, I can understand that it *looks* like you just went on another big trip and blew me off. It wouldn't hurt to have a heart-to-heart with her if you value your friendship. Yes, maybe she is over-reacting and it is not required that you explain, but... if you want her as a friend, then why would it hurt to apologize (even just for what it *looked* like,) and try to move on?)