Pre-wedding Parties

MOH refusing to throw me a shower

I asked my MOH to either throw or coordinate a mini-shower so that my group of friends who are still at my college can go. I know you're not supposed to ask, but she's really clueless on this sort of thing so I thought I would nudge her in the right direction. She's not even throwing the in-town shower - my mom had to step up to do that (again, a no-no, altho the ppl who are going don't care and the knot says its getting more common, so oh well). I told her that as MOH she was in charge of bachelorette party, tho my other friend could help if it was needed, and that she was in charge of the shower arena and asked her to throw that mini-one. She told me that she was already making a desert for my mom's shower, she had no party planning capabilities, and could bring a movie she had to the bachelorette party.  I'm not too thrilled at this and really wanted to do something with those friends who are back at school, but obviously can't ask one of them to do something. What do I do/say? 
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Re: MOH refusing to throw me a shower

  • cowartslcowartsl
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    edited December 2011

    This is a tough one, complicated. I am assuming that you are very close to MOH and you feel she must be MOH, that you don’t want to demote her. If this is the case I see only one option: you can pick a bridesmaid (clearly also someone close to you) to be “head bridesmaid”, basically MOH – runner up. You could ask you “head bridesmaid” to assist you MOH in the planning of such events. My oldest, dearest friend is getting married and although I am not her MOH, I’m planning and hosting the bachelorette party and helping the bride with the wedding details. I’m hoping the MOH will plan the shower.

  • dianenjnjdianenjnj
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    your maid of honor does not HAVE to throw a shower for you.  you are lucky your mom is stepping up to throw a shower.

    why not plan a get together with your college friends....not a shower, just a celebration.  this party could be as plain or fancy as you like...something that you can afford without requiring your bridal party to finance it.
  • KappaKKappaK
    100 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    Ditto PP.  Shower and parties are a GIFT not a requirement and not a right.  It is lovely that your mom stepped in to throw one of the parties, but no one has to do anything like that.  If you want to do something with your friends organize a get together.  It doesn't have to be a bachelorette party, it can just be a get together, or if you really want to, you could call it a bachelorette party.  Your wedding and the parties that are commonly associated with it are never as important to anyone else as they are to you.  To quote what I told my pre-school students when I taught pre-school and threw a tantrum when they didn't get what they wanted "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit".  Not saying you are throwing a tantrum or a fit though.

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  • LarissaAnnLarissaAnn
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    Ditto Kappa, and anyone who says anything else is NUTS.

    You do NOT "demote" a wedding party member unless you are in the mood to lose a friend.

    You do NOT dictate people to give you gifts (like parties).

    ANYONE who wants to throw you a party can do so, and it's none of your business who it is.  It can be MOH, BM, friends, relatives, or any combination thereof.

    Good grief, seriously?  At any other time of your life would you feel ok telling a friend, "Gimme a present!  Throw me a party!  Be my unpaid staff!"  Think about it.
  • edited December 2011
    It's not her job to throw you a shower.

    It's not anyone's job to throw you a shower.

    If someone doesn't throw you a shower, you don't get a shower. You don't ask for a shower.

    Substitute "bachelorette party" for "shower" and those statements are also true.

    If no one plans you a bachelorette, just invite some friends out for drinks.
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  • edited December 2011

    just to clarify - its not about the gifts, i just really wanted the get together and the fun. if it was about the gifts, it would be about more than 5 ppl :)

  • edited December 2011

    thanks for all of your advice girls! since most of you mentioned it, i figured it would be ok to email them myself - i just didn't want to look rude or like i wanted gifts (cuz that really wasn't why, i just wanted a get together with several friends who are completed unrelated to each other to gab about wedding stuff and thought it would be entirely awk to just ask them all to hang out together randomly, lol). i just emailed them and let them know all of the events going on in town and that they were more than welcome to come, but because i knew it would be difficult for them to come, i would love to have a mini-get together/girls outing on some saturday afternoon. etiquette says you can't throw yourself a party, but i figured they would all understand the situation (as you all did) and that i was only trying to involve all of my friends. thanks girls!


    and cowarts, i already have a maid who is my unofficial second MOH or whatever you want to call her :), so we are of one mind ;) i just didn't want to ask too much of her. while i love my MOH (my sister) she is not at all girly/into this stuff.

  • edited December 2011
    No one is required to throw you anything (shower OR bachelorette)... If you want to have a get-together, invite friends out for drinks/dinner. Just don't call it a bachelorette party or a shower.
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  • edited December 2011
    You can't be serious?  No-one HAS to throw you a shower.  Have a non-wedding related get together with your friends.   I'm sure you'll enjoy that, as you mentioned.   Your MOH just has to get a dress and show up for the wedding.  Have a great time with your friends!
  • HendrickslHendricksl
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    edited December 2011
    Your MOH should be willing to throw the shower for you. After all I assume you asked her to be the MOH and as an MOH it is her duty to help you with all of the tasks required of a bride to be. It's not you asking her to make sure you have a party that will include gifts given to you or to foot the bill. It is you asking her to do her duty and organize the shower for you. I don't think that she should entirely foot the bill. She should however organize it for you and pay some of the associated costs. But then I am old school in the days when this is what your MOH did.
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz
    10000 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: MOH refusing to throw me a shower:
    Your MOH should be willing to throw the shower for you. After all I assume you asked her to be the MOH and as an MOH it is her duty to help you with all of the tasks required of a bride to be. It's not you asking her to make sure you have a party that will include gifts given to you or to foot the bill. It is you asking her to do her duty and organize the shower for you. I don't think that she should entirely foot the bill. She should however organize it for you and pay some of the associated costs. But then I am old school in the days when this is what your MOH did.
    Posted by Hendricksl
    THis is so off base. A shower is a GIFT to the bride. Perhaps the MOH has another gift in mind. Also, a Maid of Honor is a bridesmaid with a special HONOR. Honor =/= Job. If she is a party planner type of person, then yes, she may enjoy doing this as a gift to you. HOwever, any other person can do it as well. While it may be tradition, it is certainly not the rule. My MOHs are both out of state and I won't see them until the wedding. That does not make them any less honorable because they aren't throwing me a party where people give me gifts. If guests want to give gifts, they can bring them to the wedding.

    By old school, Im thinkng you mean back in the '50s when all women were expected to be the homemaker, perfect hostess type. Guess what? Old school people also usually have a great grasp on etiquette. Asking for a shower = asking for gifts. That is just plain rude, no matter what era you are from.

    FWIW, I was an MOH when I was in college. I was out of state for most of the planning, so the bride's aunt threw her shower, and I brought a few dishes. I am not a party planner, nor did I have the funds to throw a party, but my friend didn't take it as slight at all. SHe was greatful that someone threw her a shower. In fact, I am her son's Godmother, and I didn't throw her baby shower either.

    Also, OP, make sure that the girls you are inviting to any pre-wedding party are actually invited to the wedding. Otherwise, its really AWish and gift grabby to invite them to a gift giving occaision and not hte actual ceremony. And not every party that happens when you are engaged needs to be a pre-wedding party, or wedding oriented at all. If these girls are your friends, you can have a get together any time you want. Just make sure you don't take up the whole time talking about the wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    Hi! My sister is also my maid of honor.. and I see what everyone is getting at that they dont HAVE to throw you these parties.. however it is maid of honor etiquette from what I have read and seen in the past.. i highly doubt this was only in the 50's. Someone is asked to be the maid of honor because they are bing honored and are considered to be a very important person in  your life. If they are not interested in puutting forth the effort that it takes then I think they should turn it down..of course all of the bridesmaids, friends and family can help out. I definitely don't think they should be spending all their money on this but i don't think there was anything wrong at all in asking her to put something together! hang in there hope it all works out!! ohh and I looked up maid of honor duties on a MODERN website and found these...seems to be a lot more then I thought but putting together bridal and bachelorette parties is included!! good luck!!


    Maid of Honor Duties
    As the Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor, you have one of the most important roles in making sure the bride's and groom's wedding is a success. Many times the groom will not help out as much as the bride would like which is why your role is so important! Below we have listed some of the top maid of honor duties to make the process more manageable and creative:

    Pre Wedding

    maid of honorHelp in going with the bride to look at different locations for the wedding. Many times the Bride needs help in choosing where to have the ceremony and party besides what day and time to have the wedding. Ask if you can participate in this process since it can be a very stressful.

    maid of honorHelp the bride choose her wedding invitations as well as possibly address the invitations if she needs your support. Many times a bride may outsource her invitations but if they need to be addressed by the family, your help will be key in reducing the load of tasks to complete.

    wedding_ring_icon5.gif (233 bytes)If the bride needs help in ordering and choosing decorations and favors, your opinions may be helpful in making decisions for narrowing down choices and making sure the decorations are in on time for the wedding, shower and bachelorette parties.

    maid of honorGo with the bride when she is shopping for her wedding dress as well as the Bridesmaid Dresses. It is very important to help make sure the dresses are ordered and arrive in enough time for alterations! It is helpful for you to attend the multiple fittings in giving your friend some feedback in how the dress looks and fits.

    wedding_ring_icon5.gif (233 bytes)Many times the groom does not want to go to register with his bride-to-be. You can be very supportive by going with your friend to register for her wedding gifts as well as letting other guests know where the bride and groom are registered. This is a very fun experience so take part in the choosing if she needs help.

    maid of honorHelp the bride in the seating arrangement. This can be a very difficult process with the more people coming to the wedding. Many times it makes it easier to draw out the tables and move people around until you have a close to perfect fit. Note: It is very helpful to bring this drawing to the wedding just in case there are any mix-ups, you will save the day!

    wedding_ring_icon5.gif (233 bytes)Host and Plan the Bridal Shower as well as the Bachelorette Party!

    www.bridesmaid101.com/wedding_ring_icon6.gif" alt="maid of honor" width="20" height="16" align="left" />Help keep order and organization with the other bridesmaids.

    www.bridesmaid101.com/wedding_ring_icon5.gif" alt="wedding_ring_icon5.gif (233 bytes)" width="20" height="16" align="left" />Attend and help out during the rehearsal dinner. Many times the bride, groom and their families are pre-occupied and forget about things which is where you can save the day by being organized.

    www.bridesmaid101.com/wedding_ring_icon6.gif" alt="maid of honor" width="20" height="16" align="left" />Field messages for the bride and her family to make sure you are up on any changes (especially if they are last minute changes that affect the other guests).

    www.bridesmaid101.com/wedding_ring_icon5.gif" alt="wedding_ring_icon5.gif (233 bytes)" width="20" height="16" align="left" />Attend all bridal fairs with the bride as well as cake and catering tasting.



  • edited December 2011
    Where did you get that from?  I guess expectations of what a maid of hour should do varies widely.  I would expect nothing more than for the MOH to get the dress and show up for the wedding, just like the other bridesmaids.  It's supposed to be an honour reserved for the person that is closest to you.  An honour for them, not a job with a list of expectations.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited December 2011
    Where do you get this self entitled crap?  No one is required to supposed to throw anyone a party.  Emailing and hinting for one is just as greedy as flat out asking her to throw you one.  If my friend were acting like you are, there's no way on earth I would spend my time and money throwing her a party.  But then, I wouldn't remain friends with anyone that would act this selfish and entitled.  I'm flat out disgusted by your behavior, and embarrassed for you.

    You are acting like a brat.  You should be happy that your mother is throwing you one shower.  Many people don't even get that.
  • squirrlysquirrly
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    You can not reasonably demand that anyone throw you a party.  You shouldn't coerce, cajole, request, or guilt them into it either.  If they want to, they will.  If they don't, then YOU DON'T GET ONE.  Deal.  We didn't have an engagement party because no one threw one for us.  The world didn't stop turning.  Our marriage will still be valid.

    Seriously, she already told you she couldn't/wasn't comfortable, and you're trying to find a way to convince her that she owes it to you?  and other people - you really think she should demote her MOH over this?  Good grief, I'm glad I don't know you all in real life.  I'm certain if I did, we wouldn't be friends for long.

    You can absolutely invite your girlfriends over.  You can have drinks and hang out and chat about wedding stuff.  That's you being the hostess and having a party.  Just not a bachelorette party, as that would be in honor of YOU and you shouldn't do that. 
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  • LarissaAnnLarissaAnn
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the laugh!

    "Many times the groom will not help out as much as the bride would like which is why your role is so important!"

    Then the bride needs a new groom.

    "Pre Wedding Help in going with the bride to look at different locations for the wedding. Many times the Bride needs help in choosing where to have the ceremony and party besides what day and time to have the wedding. Ask if you can participate in this process since it can be a very stressful."

    If any of the wedding party had asked to participate in this, I'd have told them to jump in the lake.  None of their freakin' business where H & I chose to get married, except to know where to show up & at what time.

    "Help the bride choose her wedding invitations as well as possibly address the invitations if she needs your support."

    Again, job of the bride & groom.  

    "If the bride needs help in ordering and choosing decorations and favors, your opinions may be helpful in making decisions for narrowing down choices and making sure the decorations are in on time for the wedding,"

    Jobs of bride, groom, DOC, and maybe mom.

    "Go with the bride when she is shopping for her wedding dress as well as the Bridesmaid Dresses."

    Or not.

    "It is very important to help make sure the dresses are ordered and arrive in enough time for alterations!"

    Yes.  For BM dress.

    "It is helpful for you to attend the multiple fittings in giving your friend some feedback in how the dress looks and fits."

    This would've been incredibly annoying.  And I had one fitting, then another try-on when the alterations were done.  Then I took it home.

    "Many times the groom does not want to go to register with his bride-to-be. You can be very supportive by going with your friend to register for her wedding gifts"

    No.  Groom should go.

    "as well as letting other guests know where the bride and groom are registered."

    Fine.

    "Help the bride in the seating arrangement. This can be a very difficult process with the more people coming to the wedding."

    Again, job for bride & groom & maybe their parents (in terms of where parents' friends & family should sit).

    "Host and Plan the Bridal Shower as well as the Bachelorette Party !"

    Sure, traditionally it's done, but it's not required and it's incredibly crappy for a bride to request or demand it. 

    "Attend all bridal fairs with the bride as well as cake and catering tasting."

    Bahahahaha, no!
  • banana468banana468
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited December 2011
    I think some of those "to do" lists forget that women are choosing to marry very competent men now.

    It was DH's wedding too.  That's why all of those things were done WITH him.

  • cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll
    1000 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    Hmmm.... I always thought MOB threw the shower....

    Most of the wedding showers I have attended were not thrown by the MOH... come to think of it, I don't think any were!

    My sister has been MOH twice, so my mom threw one - the bride was close to my mom. 

    And the other one we specifically threw was a joint effort between my sister and me... and neither of us were in the official BP.

    As for me, I think my mom and FH's mom are doing the shower on a joint effort, and the bachelorette is technically hosted by my grandparents (but coordinated by my MOH).

    As far as the "modern maid/matron of honor" throwing the parties, I find that a little ridiculous.  No one should be expected to throw a party for a bride... that's what the wedding reception is for anyway!
  • edited December 2011
    Interesting.  I thought the reception was a thank you for the GUESTS for their support coming to the wedding.  Not a party for the bride.  Also, I think the family of the bride doesn't usually organize a shower.  That should be done by someone unrelated to the bride.  It doesn't have to be someone in the bridal party that hosts, but invites should only be extended to those who are attending the wedding.  (There are exceptions of course,like an office party).  The bridal party isn't "expected" to do anything but show up in the pre-arranged clothes and smile for photos. 

    I think that covers most of it.
  • CCancholaCCanchola
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    edited December 2011
    Wow. I am so surprised by  all the comments here. I am a MOH and I definitely think I have duties, and they aren't just showing up on the wedding day! While a MOH doesn't have to do EVERYTHING, I don't think it is ridiculous for the bride to expect some help or coordination of events (like shower/bachelorette) from her.
  • marsi_omarsi_o
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    edited December 2011
    Im a MOH for my bestfriend of 20 years! I totally agree that when you accept to be the MOH you are accepting the duties that come with. I don't consider it a JOB to plan her bridal shower and/or her bachlorette party, I consider it an honor. I want to help make her wedding a memorable time and can't wait til the time comes that she'll be there for me.
  • jbnewcombjbnewcomb
    First Comment
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    edited December 2011
    I can't seem to understand being "disgusted" with the bride's question. The MOH is suposed to be someone responsible and trustworhy...because she does do A LOT to help the bride...including throwing a party. If she isn't up to this she should respectfully decline being the MOH. She is there for support and help, not to be a diva.
  • banana468banana468
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited December 2011
    JB, the MOH is supposed to be the bride's dearest friend but she only HAS to stand up there on the big day in the dress she had to purchase.

    Getting upset for her not thrownig a shower is like saying that a FI was a bad guy for not spending two month's pay on an e-ring.
  • KnibletKniblet
    2500 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    "Help the bride in the seating arrangement."

    Wha?  I love my MOH dearly and have known her for years, but she would be the last person to help with this.  FI and Mom are the only two people that could help.

    And as for the MOH helping me pick stuff out?  Uh, no.  Our tastes are not similar.  If it were up to her, I would be wearing these horrid flip flops with fake roses on them. 


    And no.  Your MOH is NOT NOT NOT required to throw you any sort of party. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I disagree with alot of the people on this post. Yes, your MOH does not HAVE to throw you a shower, but traditionally they do and why should you go without one just because your MOH is lame? A bridal shower is a nice experience no one should be without and if your lucky, you only get to do this once. I think its a little selfish and cluless of your MOH to refuse and downright play dumb about her duties. She needs to step up and take responsibility for her roll, it doesnt take much. She can make a byob pot luck where each person brings a dish and or something to drink and call it a day. She should be honored that you chose her as your MOH and willing to help. If she cant get it together, ask another close friend. Screw the being "proper" crap. If you want something you have to go after it, sitting around doing nothing gets you no where. You deserve your moment in the limelight. If you dont get your shower and you want one, you will regret it later. Again, you are only a bride once! Ask another friend in confidence to organize it for you. If non of your friends are willing to help, you need better friends!!
  • danyl87danyl87
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I have a maid and matron of honor (couldn't choose between best friend of 10 years and close cousin).  They took it upon themselves to plan the parties.  Since my Matron lives out of state she said she wanted to plan the bachelorette because she can't make it home for the shower.  And my cousin is "supposed" to throw the shower, but I'm not going to force her to do it.  If she wants to then she will, if she doesn't, I won't hold it against her.  I'm sure somebody will.  I just want the get together also...not so much the gifts.  I am at home with babies constantly, so I love the adult time. Lol.  
    I do agree that you can host the get together yourself, but don't consider it a shower/bachelorette.  
  • BaezvBaezv
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011
    There people are being really mean, it's your day, you deserve a party or five if you want as long as your friends are willing to help out. Ask other firneds to help out, or ask another friend to be incharge of the whole thing. Your MOH doesn't have to be the one to throw it.

    I hope you get what you want, good luck!
  • steviekaysteviekay
    First Comment
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    edited December 2011
    I disagree w/ most people posting on this message. I don't think I've ever been to a bridal shower that wasn't thrown or co-hosted by the MOH and bridesmaids! A shower is part of the wedding experience...I have a maid and matron of honor who are working together on my shower and bach party. They brought the subject up to me about them getting together to start planning this. I feel sorry for this bride who posted this message looking for people's opinion. Most of the women who replied have totally bashed her. SHAME on all of you! She like me probably figured this was part of the job of her MOH since in most of the books I've read during the planning of my wedding list in the duties of MOH section throwing/hosting a bridal shower.
  • banana468banana468
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited December 2011
    Steviekay, unfortunately you fell to one of the classic blunders - believe what you read in the books without thinking about real people.

    If the MOH isn't into planning a party that doesn't make her a bad MOH or bad person.  It means that she's just not that into planning it.  It's not appropriate ever to tell someone what she is to do for you because she should be honored to do it.
  • edited December 2011
    banan468: 'If the MOH isn't into planning a party that doesn't make her a bad MOH or bad person.  It means that she's just not that into planning it.  It's not appropriate ever to tell someone what she is to do for you because she should be honored to do it"

    So basically what those of you who are saying the MOH doesn't have to plan a party if she "just not that into planning it" is that it's all about the MOH with no thought to the bride...interesting. Maybe you should pick a different MOH...someone who cares about you enough to be "into" planning a bridal shower for you to help you celebrate one of the most important day of your life. Or at least a MOH who has enough class to ask another wedding party member to plan one if she really HATES planning parties.  

    I'm so glad I don't have any of you who think the MOH have no duties in my wedding...I would be v. disappointed. All my girls have offered their help throughout my engagement. And I do the same to make those friends/relatives weddings that I'm in the happiest day of their life.  I would never just "show up" in the dress. How awful and totally disrespectful.

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