Pre-wedding Parties

Invite people to Bridal Shower I know won't make it?

I have friends and family that I wish could come to my shower that I am inviting to the wedding, including bridesmaids, who live out of town and I know won't make the trip to Miami for the shower (wedding is in Boston) or most likely won't. Do I send them invites anyway?
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Re: Invite people to Bridal Shower I know won't make it?

  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I am in same situation.  I don't want them to feel obligated to give a gift (which is the purpose of a shower) but I do want them to know I would love for them to be there, understand why they won't be able to, and that I just wanted them to be included.  I just don't think there's a good way to do it.  (And I'm worrying way too far ahead of time about it, lol.)
  • edited December 2011

    I have a long way to go too. And I'm assuming someone will host a bridal shower for me lol! Who knows, I might not even have one. Then I don't have anything to worry about :)

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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think you need to check with your mom on this one, because it varies so much from family to family.

    In my family, it's considered extremely rude to send an invtation to someone you know can't make it.  It's looked at as gift grabby and we simply would never, ever do that.

    However,  my DD's in-laws always send what they call "courtesy invites" to those they know can't make it.  Because in their family, it is considered a slight not to send an invitation to everything.

    So for her shower:  we sent no invitations to my side of the family who wouldn't attend, and sent invitations to all of my SIL's family.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • loop0406loop0406 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It depends on your family like Trix1223 says.

    In my case, invited those local family/friends and 2 cousins from out of town, who did not make it.
  • edited December 2011
    Yes, its polite.  I did the same thing with FIs family for my bridal shower.  I knew they wouldn't be able to make it.  They live in Michigan, we in PA.  Low and behold FIs one cousin actually did come, but mainly because she is a sommelier (a wine connoisseur with a degree) and the bridal shower was a wine tasting theme, which was awesome, so she served and described wines to us.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_invite-people-bridal-shower-wont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:be18530a-5d3b-4792-8df1-3c6aefa1e22fPost:509b498c-b8f2-496c-8079-d94cca0299ff">Re: Invite people to Bridal Shower I know won't make it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, its polite.  I did the same thing with FIs family for my bridal shower.  I knew they wouldn't be able to make it.  They live in Michigan, we in PA.  Low and behold FIs one cousin actually did come, but mainly because she is a sommelier (a wine connoisseur with a degree) and the bridal shower was a wine tasting theme, which was awesome, so she served and described wines to us.
    Posted by fallingwater[/QUOTE]

    Fallingwater:  I just want to say that in your family, it's "polite".  In mine, as I said above, it's considered very poor form to invite someone you know won't attend.  I think this is one of those cases where it's important to check with other family members to know the family dynamic.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    You would send a wedding invite to someone who you know probably won't make it just so they know that they are invited, thus you should do the same for the shower.  Family dynamic or not, its rude not to send an invite.  Most people would be upset not to be invited, not worried that all you want from them is a gift.
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  • edited December 2011

    I would invite them anyway, it's just a nice guesture to let them know that if they were closer to you that you'd wish they could come. It just makes them feel like they are being thought of, plus I think you'll feel better too, not worrying if they are upset with you for not inviting them. I wouldn't take the extension of an invitation to the shower as "asking for a gift" either - I know some people that can't come, so they don't send gifts. If they are your close family, or friends, they will probably send you something regardless of whether or not they are invited to the shower.

  • beamer84beamer84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_invite-people-bridal-shower-wont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:be18530a-5d3b-4792-8df1-3c6aefa1e22fPost:92bbb6c2-d81d-4417-a9e3-404352a26030">Re: Invite people to Bridal Shower I know won't make it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You would send a wedding invite to someone who you know probably won't make it just so they know that they are invited, thus you should do the same for the shower.  Family dynamic or not, its rude not to send an invite.  Most people would be upset not to be invited, not worried that all you want from them is a gift.
    Posted by ks3pink[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this
  • edited December 2011
    I feel uncomfortable sending invites to people you know won't make it too.  

    If you want them to feel welcome- but not come across as just trying to get gifts, you could always call them and tell them about the shower and ask if they would be able to make it.  If they say yes, then send the invitation-- if they say no, then send them some pictures and a hand-written note afterward saying you wish they could have been there, it was a lot of fun, and you can't wait to see them at the wedding!
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_invite-people-bridal-shower-wont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:be18530a-5d3b-4792-8df1-3c6aefa1e22fPost:92bbb6c2-d81d-4417-a9e3-404352a26030">Re: Invite people to Bridal Shower I know won't make it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You would send a wedding invite to someone who you know probably won't make it just so they know that they are invited, thus you should do the same for the shower.  <strong>Family dynamic or not, its rude not to send an invite</strong>.  Most people would be upset not to be invited, not worried that all you want from them is a gift.
    Posted by ks3pink[/QUOTE]

    ks3pink:  you've completely missed the point.  In my family, the rule is that you do NOT send an invitation to people you know can't attend.  That IS the family dynamic, and it IS considered rude.

    Had my FDIL sent shower invitations to my relatives who live in SD, Texas, Boston~there would have been talk for sure.

    That's why I always suggest that brides check with their own moms and their FMIL's to do what is considered acceptable in their families.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • deb84deb84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    How do you KNOW they aren't going to be able to make it?  I think it is RUDE to assume something like that.  Yes they probabaly won't because they live out of state and it is too far/expensive to travel for a shower but what if they were planning on being in the area that weekend anyway? Or they all want to rent a van and drive together for a fun little get-a-way?  I don't understand how sending an invitation to something could be considered "rude".
    (unless of course you don't know the person well and/or haven't spoken to them in years-THEN it might seem gift graby-like the girl I went to high school with (NOT IN MY CLASS-NOT MY FRIEND (even then) who invited me to her wedding 7 years after I graduated-how I made that guest list I'll never understand)
    But to each their own.  You know your friends and family best. 
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  • deb84deb84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh, to answer the OP question: YES, you should send an invite.  You never know, they may be able to make it and they may be offended that they weren't invited if they find out about the shower.  Maybe follow the invite with a phone call or email and let them know that you totally understand if they can't make it but that you couldn't imagine not inviting them. 
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  • StephanieM22StephanieM22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    send the invite i was not invited to my cousins shower since i live in fl and they are in ny but i would have gotten u there had i have known when it was. i hated being left out of the family gathering since i lived out of state.
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with the poster above who recommends a phone call either along with or in lieu of a formal invitation. I recently received a phone call from a dear friend whose family was throwing her a baby shower. She told me about the shower, told me to expect the invite because if I were able to make it she would be excited, but that she in no way expected me to make it. I appreciated both that I was included in her group of friends she would want there and we had a mutual understanding that I wouldn't be there.
  • edited December 2011

    I have the same issue but with my wedding. I just either sent them an email or made a phone call saying, even though I know you can not make it for the wedding I didn't want you to feel excluded so I was going to send you an invite anyway. Some were fine with that and some just said save the stamp.  It's a nice gesture to at least be acknowledge them even if you don't end up sending the invitation.  

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  • edited December 2011
    I agree that you should send invites to the shower to let them know that you wish they could make it, but of course you shouldn't feel like a present is the "purpose of the shower".  I feel that is rude.  I wouldn't care if no one brought presents to my shower or my wedding.  As long as I got to spend some quality time with good friends and family, that's what we are looking for from our wedding.  We are inviting people to our wedding that are out of the country, but who are family.  We know that they will not be able to make it, but we wanted them to feel that they are welcome if they decided to take a vacation.  Also, what I am planning with the ones that I know will not be able to make it, I am going to put a small personal written note in the invites saying that I understand that they probably won't be able to make it, but that we wish they could, and that we will be thinking of them. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I would definitely send invites to those you think can't make it. Yes, it would depend on your family, but when in doubt, send them. I think it is pretty rude to not send invites to people you think can't make it...I know a few people who can't make it to our wedding, but I will still send them invites because things may change, and they may be able to make it (I've debated over this in my head also). It's your way of saying that you want them there, and if they do decline, then you know it's official that they're not coming. I think this works for a shower, wedding, anything....
  • edited December 2011
    I just received an invitation to my BIL's fiance's wedding shower.  My MIL told them that some people could not make.  Normally, I would say that sending an invitation is proper even if they will not be able to attend, but in this case it was down right rude.  The shower is a pampered chef shower; where the invitation said three times how to buy the bride a gift including if you cannot make the shower see X site to buy a gift if you want.  That came across as gift grabby and not respectful of the guest.  To me, it  depends on the wording of your invitation. 

    On another note, my name was wrong on the invite and my title left off which the person giving the information knew about my recent graduation and knows my last name.  So, for this invitation, it was rude palin and simple.
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