Gifts, not attending

Alko726

One of my friends from college is getting married next weekend, and unfortunately I can't attend because I'm overseas in Korea with FI whose stationed here and won't be back in the States until the end of next month. She was aware that I'd be gone until after the wedding, but wanted to send me an invite in case I could make it. I was invited to her shower about a month and a half ago, and again, couldn't make it because I've been here in Korea. I sent her a $50 gift card to C&B where she was registered because I thought the $10 in shipping for a gift off the list could have been better spent towards the actual gift. In hindsight, I spent a little too much money for her shower because we're a bit strapped for cash now saving for our own wedding. I'd like to send her a gift for the wedding as well if we can afford it, but would it be entirely rude if we didn't send a gift for the wedding, but rather a nice card? Is it typical to get a gift for both shower/wedding if you didn't attend either, and if so, how much would you suggest spending? I'll probably go by way of a gift card again because of shipping costs again. All of her registry items at this point are $50+, as there weren't many lower priced items to begin with and they've either already been purchased for the wedding or given to her at the shower. Thanks in advance, as always. I didn't know this board existed until I started wondering where this question would be most appropriately posted.

jagore08

Just remember that you have up to a year (or so says etiquette) to send a gift to the bride and groom. If you really don't have the money right now and you really want to send her something then wait until you're in a better position. If you can't afford to send a gift I think it is completely appropriate to send a nice card wishing them the best on their marriage. We received a couple of cards from friends and family who weren't able to make it to our wedding and we didn't think anything about them not getting us a gift. Do what you can. I think sending a card is a very sweet gesture since you can't be there.

duckie1905

Ditto, you have a year to send a gift so if you want to, wait and see if your financial situation improves.  I would still send a card if she is a good friend, and then maybe send a gift later. With that being said, DH and I are at the point in our lives where everyone we know is getting married.  If we sent gifts to every shower and wedding we couldn't attend we'd be broke.  Now, especially with DH being in between jobs, I won't send a gift unless we are really close with the bride and/or groom.  I usually will just send a card because that's all we can do right now. A gracious bride and groom will never expect gifts so if you can't give one please don't feel pressured or obligated to do so.

flutgrl1

I always send a gift! I couldn't believe that wasn't the norm. When I got married no one followed that rule.  But to me why wouldnt you at least send something small to celebrate the big event?

flutgrl1

I know it is judgy of me ....but I couldn't help but think how much money I'd spent on them over the years I still will continue to send gifts for functions I don't attend because I see it as the right thing to do. I will prob spend less now than I used to since it is not the norm.

stargazerlily82479

I couldn't make it to my cousin's wedding last year since I wasn't that close with them and a very close friend of mine was getting married the same weekend several states away. My finances were really stretched at the time, but I ended up getting them a couple of their washcloths. I spent maybe $25 on it. I felt bad that I wasn't getting them a nicer gift, but I knew it was going to be a pretty long while before I could afford something nicer since I had a lot of expenses coming up, and I wanted to at least send a token something. But I hadn't been invited to the shower, so there were no other gifts from me. I think given your shower gift and financial situation you are off the hook completely - if you don't attend a wedding, you definitely don't have to send a gift, it's just a nice gesture if you have the means.

Alko726

cnderella -- I think most people would agree that it's appropriate and nice to send at least a card for someone that was kind enough to invite you to a function. My post said that I *was* going to send a card for her wedding, in addition to the fact that I had already spent money on her shower gift after not attending either one. I think it's always nice to do that and I agree with you that I would think about how I would want to be treated. I also don't think any of the other posters meant that you couldn't at least send a card. I think they were saying that's nice enough if that's all you can afford. My only point in my last post was that fltgrl always sends a [i]gift[/i] and sort of made it sound like you always should or else you've done something wrong. A heartfelt card that costs $2 to buy and mail, like you said, can be afforded by most and I think that's the least you can do -- that's why I'm doing it. I can't afford to ship another gift to her from Korea, let alone afford the gift alone right now. If someone doesn't do the same, I try not to judge them for it. Maybe some feel inadequate just sending a card alone so they'd rather not send anything? Who knows. If they acknowledge the event and congratulate me or even just sound happy in passing, that's really all I can expect. If they ignore it altogether and seem offensive about it, then I'd be hurt.