Registering and Gifts

Registry Cards IN the invitations....?

So when I sent out our invitations, I included one registry card assuming this is what you do because they gave us sooo many and they even had stickers for us to put on them that already had our names and registry number.  I did feel a little funny including it, but didn't think much of it because I've had friends in the past who sent one or more in thier wedding invitations and I always liked that cause it made it easier to find them a gift they wanted.  Well, I got an rsvp back the other day from a distant relative of my fiance, they declined the invitation, sent a 20 dollar bill and also included our registry card with "This is tacky!" written across it!!!!! I couldn't believe how rude this was and burst into tears I was so upset.  
What I want to know is, is that tacky?! Did you include your registry card(s)? I am so affraid now that I have offended other guests and that maybe it was/is tacky and I never knew.  Help!
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Re: Registry Cards IN the invitations....?

  • well, what your guest did is pretty darn rude, but - it is considered tacky to announce where you're registered in your invitations.  sorry.


  • Yes, it is considered rude to mention gifts on the invitation or any inserts, even if it is to request that no gifts be given.  The registry cards are the stores looking for more money and unfortunately mislead many people into thinking they should be included in the invitations.

    It comes across as being gift grabby to many people, apparently including that particular relative.  Not that their methods were appropriate in the least.
  • It is techincally considered bad ettiquette to include registry cards in the wedding invitaion. But I still get invited to weddings with registry info in their invitations. I would not/ am not sending out anything mentioning where we are registered. But I think what your Fiance's family member did was over-the-top RUDE.
  • As you've probably realized by now...yes, registry anything in an invite is a bit tacky.  I'm so glad that I've joined this board just for the simple fact, there is so much etiquette that needs to be learned by everyone and different areas of people have different views.  For example, almost every wedding invitation I've ever gotten....had registry info...at the time, I personally thought nothing of it.  Now, it does seem a little "buy me this, come to my wedding to GET me things!"  Lol...that being said, what's done is done, it may have been a tad politically incorrect for you to send those out but it was REALLY inappropriate for your guest to respond that way.

    Don't stress over it...you've already sent them.  I would *hope* no one else would be that rude to you in turn.
  • What's done is done, it was an innocent mistake on your part. The person who sent you that card back was being rude in response to perceived rudeness-a big mistake on her part.

    The "no mention of gifts" on an invitation is a long standing rule, but it is I have noticed also beginning to bend. I personally see nothing wrong with "no gifts please" being on an invite or even a "donations to the charity of your choice preferred". I think some people are also getting weary of the "link to the wedding website" on the invite where the links to the registries nearly always is shown. It is considered OK etiquette to include a link to your website on the invitation, but not (gasp!) ever to your registry, and no doubt some people are just thing "why not just include the registry??!"

    So, don't beat yourself up. I would never recommend that anyone do this, but it is a rule that is beginning to change and the confusion is understandable.   
  • The other ladies said it all.  That said, that guest is a piece of work.  
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  • I agree with pp's but it also depends on the etiquette your guests are used to and I'm not sure if differs demographically. We had an engagement/house warming party and we had a lot of ppl come up to us and say we weren't sure what to get you since you didn't put where you are registered. Also every shower invite I have gotten has the registries listed on there and I have never thought anything of it. I wouldn't worry too much.

  • In Response to Re: Registry Cards IN the invitations....?:
    I agree with pp's but it also depends on the etiquette your guests are used to and I'm not sure if differs demographically. We had an engagement/house warming party and we had a lot of ppl come up to us and say we weren't sure what to get you since you didn't put where you are registered. Also every shower invite I have gotten has the registries listed on there and I have never thought anything of it. I wouldn't worry too much.
    Posted by demarcosjd
    Registry information is acceptable, etiquette-wise, in shower invitations, because the point of a shower is to "shower the bride with gifts."

    Guests are not obligated in any way to give a gift at the wedding or engagement party, which is why registry information in those invitations is considered rude.

    That said, what this guest did was equally rude.  Even though they were technically right, that's an awful way to get your point across.
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  • etiquitte says it's rude, but quite frankly, I put them in my invites.
  • I had no idea it was rude to do so. My whole life any wedding ive ever went to had the registry info in the invite. Now that I know its rude I will not be includin it in there. As far as the guest and what they did...dont cry over that. Be GLAD they wont be attending your wedding. Hey, they just saved you money on food and drinks! Sorry, thats just how I would have to look at it, knowing what they did!
  • Wow, that was harsh.  I didn't include registry cards and wouldn't.  Many older people have issues with this and she probably was really offended by the inclusion of the card.  Don't fret about it.  But typically, I would skip inclusion of the card in the invite.
  • Brie2010, Thank you. I should have read the post better when I heard invitations and registry cards it didn't click that it was for the wedding invite lol.
  • While registry cards in the invitation are definitely an etiquette faux pas, pointing out someone's rude behavior is, in itself, very rude.
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  • In Response to Re: Registry Cards IN the invitations....?:
    etiquitte says it's rude, but quite frankly, I put them in my invites.
    Posted by etaraskewich
    I hope you get it back with "tacky" written across it, but sans the $20.
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  • to the OP...now that i think abotu it, not all of your guests may be this offended.  i'm thinking that because this is a distant relative, they probably assumed (rightly so?) that they only got invited in the hopes of receiving a gift.  the invite alone, in theory, may have been perceived as an insult if it was clearly a "courtesy" invite or, in other words, a gift grub invite.  That said, the registry card only added further insult to injury.  most will surely find it odd/rude, but this couple clearly found it offensive.  somethign can be rude but not offensive, or rude and offensive.
  • When I went to Target to register they gave me a ton of little tiny cards to put in the invitations and they told me thats what they were for. I threw them in the trash immediately. I don't think that store should hand out these cards because some girls do not know the etiquette of not placing them in the invitations. I am sorry to hear that a family did that, so rude! I definately think that you should send back a thank you note and make them feel like crap.
  • missmorgans, I have some degree of empathy for, because to some degree, you didn't know better.


    etara, I just want to buy the most gawd-awful hot orange and purple striped mumu as a wedding gift from a store with a no-returns policy. I don't give a flying fark if it's not on her registry.

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    Sorry, but this is really funny.  I find it suprising that it didn't occur to you that asking for gifts is rude.  This is just common sense.

    But the guest should have been a little more subtle and used the gift grab card as a book mark in an etiquette book, and given you that as the gift. 
  • It makes me feel like the bride/groom expect a gift.

    this is actually why i'm anti-registry to begin with.  tehy are very presumptuous.  "yes, i expect that you will buy me a gift, and not only will you buy me a gift, it better be A B or C from store X."
  • In Response to Re: Registry Cards IN the invitations....?:
    It makes me feel like the bride/groom expect a gift. this is actually why i'm anti-registry to begin with.  tehy are very presumptuous.  "yes, i expect that you will buy me a gift, and not only will you buy me a gift, it better be A B or C from store X."
    Posted by Calypso1977

    You know, in theory I totally agree with you. However, we had something like ten people, half of those who are not even attending our destination wedding ask us "so, where is the registry" and then many of them act downright put out when I said we did not have one and did not plan to have one.

    Well, we ended up with registries at Target and REI-by popular demand! I think the ideas behind registries are that they avoid duplications (which would be way easy to do in wedding gifts-you know five comforters and such!) and also that they insure the couple are getting things they actually want and will use.

    That having been said, I think that gifts and weddings should be a thing of the past. It was all good when people used wedding gifts to set up a first household of their own, but that is usually not the case anymore. Now, they are mostly just "gimmes". I did the registries-but I am honestly thinking of pulling them. My wedding website says we much prefer quests contribute to charities. Oh, and I am SO not having a "shower". I turned two down already-I see no reason our wedding should be a gift grab, period no matter how appropriate the "etiquette" involved. I mean, would we really be so head-up on the etiquette issue if the whole concept of wedding gifts was not really a "gift grab"? You do not hear this sort of on and on and on about birthday gifts!

  • edited February 2010
    I have NEVER been invited to a wedding that didn't have registry info in the invitation.  I never even thought that I should take offense to this because I thought it was normal.  It saved me the trouble of having to figure out what they wanted.

    People need to just get over themselves and not think every little thing is a personal affront to them.  But that will never happen.

    That being said, what is done is done.  Don't worry about it too much, it was an honest mistake.  If it makes you feel better maybe you could pass it around to your mom and future mother in law that you didn't know and get them to spread it around a little. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    In Response to Re: Registry Cards IN the invitations....?:
    I have NEVER been invited to a wedding that didn't have registry info in the invitation.  I never even thought that I should take offense to this because I thought it was normal.  It saved me the trouble of having to figure out what they wanted. People need to just get over themselves and not think every little thing is a personal affront to them.  But that will never happen. That being said, what is done is done.  Don't worry about it too much, it was an honest mistake.  If it makes you feel better maybe you could pass it around to your mom and future mother in law that you didn't know and get them to spread it around a little. 
    Posted by withvengeance86
    Just because your friends are tacky does not mean that the rest of civilization should "get over themselves" and ignore common decent manners. 
  • Wow.. I can't believe one of your relatives did that to you! However, yes it is considered tacky to put your registry info into the wedding invitations. The stores give you those cards for your bridal shower invites. You should have given those cards to your MOH or your mom or whoever was planning your bridal shower. The only proper way to get registry info out for the wedding is through word of mouth or by listing it on your wedding website.
  • I love people that are thoughtful enough to include the info. I hope this old rule changes. I find it convenient. I would personally mail their twenty bucks back and write tacky on that. But then again I am petty :)
  • Thanks so much everyone.  But why is it ok to give those cards out at a bridal shower? If it's at your shower, thier already giving you a gift.  Thats tacky to get the gift then give a registry card!  Also, I noticed on here they have little postings here and there to send a mass email notifying everyone of where your registerd! Why is that ok?!  I would love to send the money back along with the card and post-it that says "this is rude" but I cant.  I think I'll just send a thank you note. I still think it's weird though that people get upset about it.  Your throwing this huge expensive wedding for all of them to enjoy.  Plus there are still people, like me and my fiance, who haven't lived together and do need those things.  I dont know.  I guess everyone is different and people have different ideas of what is considered tacky.
  • In Response to Re: Registry Cards IN the invitations....?:
    Thanks so much everyone.  But why is it ok to give those cards out at a bridal shower? If it's at your shower, thier already giving you a gift.  Thats tacky to get the gift then give a registry card! 
    Posted by miss.morgans
    It's acceptable to include them in the shower INVITES (not pass them out at the shower), because (a) someone besides the bride hosts the shower, so it's not the bride asking for her own gifts, and (b) the entire point of a shower is about gifts. The entire point of a wedding is for the couple to invite people to witness and celebrate their marriage.

    Also, I noticed on here they have little postings here and there to send a mass email notifying everyone of where your registerd! Why is that ok?! 
    Posted by miss.morgans
    Because the stores that host the registries don't give a flying crap about etiquette and good manners. They just want people to buy their products.

    I still think it's weird though that people get upset about it.  Your throwing this huge expensive wedding for all of them to enjoy. 
    Posted by miss.morgans
    You're having a wedding to celebrate your marriage with your loved ones. You're not doing it so you can get presents. (At least, I HOPE you're not.)


    Plus there are still people, like me and my fiance, who haven't lived together and do need those things. 
    Posted by miss.morgans
    So earn some money and then buy them for yourselves. You don't "deserve" gifts just because you decided to get married.

    I guess everyone is different and people have different ideas of what is considered tacky.
    Posted by miss.morgans
    No. It's tacky no matter how you slice it. Some people just choose to ignore proper etiquette because it's more convenient for them to ignore it, or so they can get more presents. It's not one of those, "It's only tacky if YOU think it's tacky" bullshiit situations. It's TACKY and it's bad etiquette, end of story. Saying that your friends always do it or your area always does it or people aren't offended by it doesn't make it any less rude or tacky.
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  • In Response to Re: Registry Cards IN the invitations....?:
    In Response to Re: Registry Cards IN the invitations....? : Just because your friends are tacky does not mean that the rest of civilization should "get over themselves" and ignore common decent manners. 
    Posted by MyNameIsNot
    Actually my family is not tacky.  That is the accepted way of doing things where I am from.  But thanks for your input, it was really productive to this discussion.
  • Frankly, I'd send that relative their $20 back.  You may have done something that is considered rude, but you didn't know it was not acceptable and you weren't doing it to be offensive.  What they did, was extremely rude and you'd have to be an idot not to know.  Just be thankful they won't be there to bring everyone down on your happy day. I would assume that they are somewhat miserable to knowingly do something so rude.  Just for the record, I did not include a mention of a registry in my invitations, but I wouldn't be offended if someone sent me one with it in there.  I know it's not proper ettiquette, but I like to know where to shop for the gifts.  Most of your guests probably didn't mind at all.
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  • Rules change because enough people decide they ought to and they just start ignoring the "ettiquette rules" of the situation.

    In the 1920's, it was considered "rude to comment on the merits of the food you are eating" (read it in a book on the topic, published in 1925). Obviously, that changed.

    I think the no-registry-info-on-the-invite thing will probably be a memory is thirty years because people now days are just eagar for fast information. Need to buy a wedding gift? Fine! Let me know when, where, and how!

    That having been said, I would never include registry info on or in an invite myself. I think the way "ettiquette" should change is that the whole deal about giving gifts at weddings should be a thing of the past! It's a big gift grab however it happens, as I said before. Wedding guests know they are "expected" to give a gift and a lot of people feel obligated to send a gift even if they cannot come. Silly if you ask me.
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