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Give friends the same thing they gave you for gifts? If they didn't give you one, should you give th

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Re: Give friends the same thing they gave you for gifts? If they didn't give you one, should you give th

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_give-friends-the-same-thing-they-gave-you-for-gifts-if-they-didnt-give-you-one-should-you-give-them-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d1984dbd-fd7e-4c20-b81f-18646bb5a4e5Post:ebd41899-7231-4f66-b01f-5f890e7c4c59">Re:Give friends the same thing they gave you for gifts? If they didn't give you one, should you give them one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Give friends the same thing they gave you for gifts? If they didn't give you one, should you give them one?: <strong> I've never been to a wedding without a dollar dance and cash bars are more common than not in my hometown. Because most couples do those things here, does that make them okay? Certainly not. </strong> Its absolutely ridiculous to think that by generalizing regional behavior and deeming that the local 'rule' exempts you from making the rude assumption that your guests owe you the amount that you're spending on them. OP, a gift of any amount is never compulsory. And for what it's worth, I'm far from old fashioned, but I personally think cash gifts are tacky as helll.
    Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

    Not to particularly  defend dollar dances, cash bars, or the cover your plate rule, but I disagree with your logic here.

    If something is cultural expected in your area then you should feel free to do it. All your friends and family are playing by those same set of rules, and THEY will be there on your wedding day, not the knot.

    Denying something because the knot says it's rude and uncultured is rather snobbish to your friends, family and hometown.
  • edited October 2012
    I am from northern NJ  where per person costs are easily $100 - $250. However, I don't fully agree with the "cover your plate" theory. When I was in graduate school, I would go to weddings where the bride's parents paid for everything, and there was no way I was in any position to give $400+ as a gift. It is not up to the guests to guesstimate what the hosts of the party pay. And just because one bride chooses a more expensive venue doesn't mean that she deserves a bigger gift than a couple that is struggling financially and does the entire event on a shoestring budget. In that case you can end up giving a coworker with wealthy parents $500 for a gift and a super close cousin who hosts the event under a tent in a park $75. 

    In short, give you what you can afford, or what you want to give. A gift is a gift - whether cash or an item (from the registry or not!), the recipient should be honored that someone gave them a gift. End of story.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_give-friends-the-same-thing-they-gave-you-for-gifts-if-they-didnt-give-you-one-should-you-give-them-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d1984dbd-fd7e-4c20-b81f-18646bb5a4e5Post:9cb1cbed-c9ec-4599-bd9b-fc2cf8c7ac7f">Give friends the same thing they gave you for gifts? If they didn't give you one, should you give them one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My husband and I had our wedding about a year and a half ago.  We preferred money over gifts like almost any other bride and groom these days,  but we still registered for shower purposes and some people are old fashioned and already have their mind made up they are getting you a gift and not cash.   Before our wedding, when I would attend other's weddings, I would give everybody $150-200 cash in a card as a gift , following the old rule that if you can, you should give enough to cover your dinner for you and your guest. For our wedding a few guests didn't give anything or they gave small gifts off the registry ($30-50).  (I did spend about $180 a person for food and premium open bar for my wedding, so it’s not like I only served cake and punch).  I am thankful for those who gave us even a small gift; however, their weddings are coming up now and I need to give them something either cash or gift.   Would it be bitchy to forgo my original rule of giving enough to cover my dinner and my husband’s dinner, or should I give them something similar to what they gave us - nothing from one couple and a $30 registry gift from another? What would you do if you had a similar situation? Not to mention, I have since gone back to Grad school, so it’s not like we are well off financially at the moment, I am making less at the moment than all of them.
    Posted by courtneyandtimothy[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>If you are in a tight financial situation, choose a gift or amount that you can afford. No one will judge you for not staying at the "cover your plate" amount when you're not making as much of an income. Gifts are not obligatory, but don't make this a petty thing. Give what you would give at this time in your life to someone who didn't attend your wedding (so you'd have no baseline).</div><div>
    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_give-friends-the-same-thing-they-gave-you-for-gifts-if-they-didnt-give-you-one-should-you-give-them-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d1984dbd-fd7e-4c20-b81f-18646bb5a4e5Post:f5314de6-20f8-444e-bef4-1185b641ca6b">Re:Give friends the same thing they gave you for gifts? If they didn't give you one, should you give them one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Give friends the same thing they gave you for gifts? If they didn't give you one, should you give them one? : Not to particularly  defend dollar dances, cash bars, or the cover your plate rule, but I disagree with your logic here. If something is cultural expected in your area then you should feel free to do it. All your friends and family are playing by those same set of rules, and THEY will be there on your wedding day, not the knot. Denying something because the knot says it's rude and uncultured is rather snobbish to your friends, family and hometown.
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    <div>The problem with this is that while there are some things that tend to be done in certain areas, they usually are not universal to that area (For example, I am from MInnesota, and while I certainly know of things done in my area, such as partially hosted bars and selecting personal attendants, I did not do either one and still consider them to be rude). Furthermore, you often invite people from out of town who will be uncomfortable with the regional (rude!) norm. I've also heard of situations where one family is accustomed to the norm, while the other family is super offended. Even when you know both families are used to it, you never know what friends you're inviting that will be offended. All of the traditions you mentioned are fundamentally rude because they are either soliciting gifts, placing the burden of hosting YOUR party on your guests, or trying to dictate what or how much money is spent on a gift. You will never offend by NOT doing these things.</div>
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  • If guests covered the cost of their plates for my wedding, I'd be getting at most $15 bucks..LOL (which I would be fine with).

    Anway, op give out of the goodness of your heart what you can afford to give: not out of spite.  Maybe they could only afford that $30 gift, which is a nice thing on their part to give a gift at all. I don't think it should be tit for tat, although it is hard NOT to feel like you should because you feel a little slighted.  A wedding is a celebration and the fact that they came and celebrated with you is ift in itself.  Just give what you feel you can and leave it at that.
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