Registry and Gift Forum

Registering for a Destination Wedding

Hello everyone-

I am in somewhat of a unique situation and would greatly appreciate your advice.  Here's whats going on:  I am having a very small wedding ceremony (me, the groom and 4 immediate family members) in hawaii this december.  I am having the ceremony videotaped and will be showing it at the reception we are having back home (in ohio) in march.  The reception will be much larger but still really only family and close friends (about 80 guests total).  Although it would be amazing if everyone could attend the ceremony in hawaii, I wasn't even planning on sending out formal invitations to it, as I definitely don't expect them to take the time off and spend all that money on travelling to hawaii just because i'm a diva and have to get married there ;)  Instead I have just been spreading the word about the ceremony in a "of course you're invited but don't feel pressured to come" kind of way. 

I know everyone who will be at the reception very well (like I mentioned its only family and close friends) and I can say with a good amount of certainty that even though they are not attending the ceremony, they will still want to bring gifts (I'm not trying to sound stuck up/conceited, its just that I'm the first grandchild in a large family to get married and to put it lightly my family has been on my case to get married for a looong time now so needless to say everyone is very excited for me).  However, I have read that it is rude to give guests registry information if they were not invited to the desination wedding ceremony.  In my case, everyone knows they are welcome at the ceremony but formal invitations were not sent.  If I know they are going to get me something regardless of whether I ask for things or not, would this be an exception to the rule?  I don't want to seem rude/tacky but at the same time if I'm going to be getting a bunch of gifts I would really like to register for the things I need, you know what I mean?

One more thing - I'm also planning a bridal shower in November.  If I do decide to go ahead and register somewhere, should I include that info in the bridal shower invitations (as is traditional) or wait until the reception?  Thanks!

Re: Registering for a Destination Wedding

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registering-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e385fddc-6366-452f-bbbf-72b885394476Post:1230b4bc-9305-4315-8513-72000b2e0f49">Registering for a Destination Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello everyone- I am in somewhat of a unique situation and would greatly appreciate your advice.  Here's whats going on:  I am having a very small wedding ceremony (me, the groom and 4 immediate family members) in hawaii this december.  I am having the ceremony videotaped and will be showing it at the reception we are having back home (in ohio) in march.  The reception will be much larger but still really only family and close friends (about 80 guests total).  Although it would be amazing if everyone could attend the ceremony in hawaii, I wasn't even planning on sending out formal invitations to it, as I definitely don't expect them to take the time off and spend all that money on travelling to hawaii just because i'm a diva and have to get married there ;)  Instead I have just been spreading the word about the ceremony in a "of course you're invited but don't feel pressured to come" kind of way.  I know everyone who will be at the reception very well (like I mentioned its only family and close friends) and I can say with a good amount of certainty that even though they are not attending the ceremony, they will still want to bring gifts (I'm not trying to sound stuck up/conceited, its just that I'm the first grandchild in a large family to get married and to put it lightly my family has been on my case to get married for a looong time now so needless to say everyone is very excited for me).  However, I have read that it is rude to give guests registry information if they were not invited to the desination wedding ceremony.  In my case, everyone knows they are welcome at the ceremony but formal invitations were not sent.  If I know they are going to get me something regardless of whether I ask for things or not, would this be an exception to the rule?  I don't want to seem rude/tacky but at the same time if I'm going to be getting a bunch of gifts I would really like to register for the things I need, you know what I mean? <strong>One more thing - I'm also planning a bridal shower in November.  If I do decide to go ahead and register somewhere, should I include that info in the bridal shower invitations (as is traditional) or wait until the reception?  Thanks!</strong>
    Posted by vamstadt[/QUOTE]

    I have no idea about the DW etiquette, but you should not host your own bridal shower.  That's poor etiquette.  You should also decline any showers if you don't register.
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  • oops I misspoke earlier...my sister is actually throwing the shower for me.  So are you saying that if I don't register there is no point in having a shower or am I misunderstanding?
  • You can have a shower without registering.  I didn't register and had a shower with about 25-30 people.  It was just fine.  I would however suggest giving the hostess some direction.  Give her ideas of gifts you would be interested in should people ask.  My aunt hosted my shower and I told her that if people were looking for ideas that we needed home (not apartment) items since we were moving.  I suggested a hose, grill utensils, gardening tools, rakes, shovels, planters, patio chairs, etc. 
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  • However, I have read that it is rude to give guests registry information if they were not invited to the desination wedding ceremony.

    It's rude to give guests registry information at all unless they ask for it.  So register if you want, and if people ask for the information then it's probably because they want to give you a gift.

    I don't think you should have a shower if you're not inviting the guests to the DW, though some people think it's ok if you're inviting them to the AHR.
    Married 10/2/10
  • You should not be having a bridal shower unless you plan to invite all those people to the wedding, not the AHR, the actual exchange of vows. That's rude.

    If you want to register for your AHR I don't see a problem with that, but don't include any registry info in those invitation. Have your family tell people, if they ask, that you are registered at X and Y stores.
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  • "It's rude to give guests registry information at all unless they ask for it."

    wow thanks for letting me know, i really had no idea about that...it seems like every wedding invite i get has one of those little bed bath and beyond cards in it!
  • haha I guess my thinking is backwards...I thought it would be rude to ask a bunch of people to travel to hawaii for me but from what i'm reading here, its more rude to invite them to the shower!  I have so much learning to do...
  • No worries, that's why these boards are here.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registering-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e385fddc-6366-452f-bbbf-72b885394476Post:1c1cef7a-a69a-448d-a38f-b7148d2fb1eb">Re: Registering for a Destination Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]haha I guess my thinking is backwards...I thought it would be rude to ask a bunch of people to travel to hawaii for me but from what i'm reading here, its more rude to invite them to the shower!  I have so much learning to do...
    Posted by vamstadt[/QUOTE]

    Inviting somebody to witness and celebrate your wedding with you isn't rude, they can choose whether they want to go or not.  It would only be rude if you expected them to attend, pressured them, or complained openly if they were unable to attend.

    The problem with the shower is that it's a gift giving party in anticipation of another event, and inviting people to the shower but not the wedding is like saying "you're not good enough to see me get married, but you're good enough to give me a present."
    Married 10/2/10
  • Since people are welcome to come to the wedding you are fine inviting them (through your sister) to the shower.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registering-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e385fddc-6366-452f-bbbf-72b885394476Post:ae93a0b3-fe4b-4a8d-b89c-af5e6089e062">Re: Registering for a Destination Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Since people are welcome to come to the wedding you are fine inviting them (through your sister) to the shower.
    Posted by flutgrl1[/QUOTE]

    I disagree, I think you need to actually send them invitations.  If you told me "if you want to come you can" and then never sent me an invitation, I would assume you didn't really want me there.
    Married 10/2/10
  • If you don't send people invitations to the DW then they are not invited to the wedding, even if they are "welcome to come."  Therefore, you can't invite them to the shower without being rude and gift grabby.

    When you decide to have a DW, one of the tradeoffs you make is the ability to have a big (or any) shower. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registering-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:e385fddc-6366-452f-bbbf-72b885394476Post:97e3d6a1-e990-4a4a-aa05-2b3d1248bd32">Re: Registering for a Destination Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]When you decide to have a DW, one of the tradeoffs you make is the ability to have a big (or any) shower. 
    Posted by SaraAndrew2010[/QUOTE]

    I disagree with this part.  I don't think it would be rude to have a shower if the guests were actually invited to the DW (invitation and all).
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registering-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e385fddc-6366-452f-bbbf-72b885394476Post:0c83f549-cf6f-4da2-bd2d-9d2c4cbf4931">Re: Registering for a Destination Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registering for a Destination Wedding : I disagree with this part.  I don't think it would be rude to have a shower if the guests were actually invited to the DW (invitation and all).
    Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

    I didn't mean to suggest that if you have a DW you can't have a shower at all.  Just that with a DW, typically the guest list is smaller than what it would be for a local wedding.  As a result, there aren't as many people eligible to be invited to the shower. I guess it would have been more accurate to say that one of the tradeoffs of a intimate wedding is that you can't have a big shower.  In the case of OP, it would be pretty silly to have a shower with the 4 wedding guests invited. 
  • I am having a DW, however we are expecting 50 people to attend our wedding in Jamaica.  A good family friend has offered to throw me a shower and I will be registering.  Although most of what will be on our registry will be on the less expensive side. 

    If at this shower you will only be inviting close family members, I think it would be acceptable if they are not given a formal invitiation, but to include friends is not in my opinion. 
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