Second Weddings

What do you say?

This is my second marriage (his first), so I guess that's what puts me here.

I made mistakes with the person that I married beforehand. The mistake having married him in the first place, putting up with the BS/lying/cheating/manipulation, but what I don't regret is leaving him. We were engaged waaaaaay too fast, got married, and I got pregnant on the honeymoon. I regret putting up the bs/lying/cheating/manipulation for as long as I did, but I will never regret leaving him and finding my best friend and an incredible, amazing, fantastic man I now call my fiance.

I was cautious when telling my family about the engagement, even though I was over the moon. I didn't want my fiance to feel hurt if they weren't crazy excited like his family is. It's been a little bit, so I wanted to talk to my dad about vendors for alcohol, as he worked with them for thirty years. I did mention that we are on a budget, and paying for the wedding ourselves. I'm not close with my extended family on either paternal or materal side, so I am not inviting them. (We literally don't talk... ever.) Though I never intended on inviting them anyway, my dad said, "Well, that's for the best. They went to the first one. It's not important for them to go to another."

So, when people (friends, family OR strangers) say something like that, how do you grow thicker skin? Mine still stings from the blow, which was actually not the first one, but the first one from my dad.
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Re: What do you say?

  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Ouch!  That hurts and I am very sorry you have to go through this. 

    I was very fortunate; I never heard anything like that from my family or friends.  My best advice is to just hang tough.  I am pretty sure it would be a waste of your breath, time and energy to respond in kind (thoughtless, hurtful, mean). 

    There are a few ladies on this board who have had similar experiences as you have.  They will definitely have some snappy retorts for you. Good luck!
  • So, here's where you perfect the ICY STARE of DEATH.  People do not know how they sound when they say these ridiculous things.  Even my own sister, who is contemplating her third marriage said to me "Well, you're not going to wear WHITE, are YOU?"   Like I would be thrown in to prison if I did.   So, I politely, with a saccharin sweet voice said:  "Wow, sister, I know you didn't mean that to sound like it did, but because you're asking, why, yes, I'm wearing ivory, which indeed, is a shade of white."   That shut her up.  And then she apologized.  Other ladies have said things like:  Why ever would you ask such a personal question?   and then change the subject.  We call it Pass the bean dip.  In response you can say "Well, this is the first time I'm marrying THIS man.  Have you tried the bean dip?" 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • With family, sometimes direct is best. "Dad, I know that you didn't mean to be hurtful when you said...but it sure stung.  I am not expecting everyone else to be as thrilled as I am about this wedding, but what you so much as said is that my first wedding was the important one, and this one doesn't matter, I could have just cried (or screamed, or whalloped you over the head).  It's not that I don't realize that people have those kind of thoughts about encore weddings, it's more a matter of the insensitivity of someone I love actually saying it to me. I know that all you care about it that I am happy, and xH did not make me happy. I have learned X and Y and Z since then, and Fi makes me happy in these ways...  Even though I had no intention of inviting those distant family members, it made me feel bad that you acted like inviting them would have been rude."
    I am also a fan of the ICY STARE OF DEATH and the subject dodging bean dip strategy.  ~Donna
  • In my experience, you need to take control of this situation at the earliest possible opportunity.

    I'm planning my third wedding.  My first husband ran off with his boss's secretary just months after we married.   My second husband died of cancer.

    My mother and one sister have been particularly negative about my wedding plans, despite that I hadn't shared those plans with them. Comments like "you don't need a big party", "you shouldn't wear a white dress", "you need to put no gifts please on your invitations, since it's not your first wedding", etc.

    I let it go for far longer than I should have.  My wedding is in not quite 3 months.  2 weeks ago, my mother said something that finally pushed me over the edge and we had a rather unpleasant sit-down.  I basically told her it's none of her business what I'm doing, she is invited as a guest, I hope she comes and I simply will not tolerate one more disparaging, disrepectful comment from her.

    I also said something to the effect that if she or others saw fit to look down on me because my first husband was a cheating whore and my second died on me, that is the real breach of etiquette.
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  • Thanks for the help, ladies. All of you are absolutely correct, and I'm so glad that TK has "Second Weddings." It has been a huge sigh of relief to lurk here for a while.

    That being said, I'm so happy to have joined you all, even if ignorant people (family included) can't keep their mouths shut.
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  • I think this kind of attitude was a factor although there were several others that led to my family opting not to attend our wedding. I remember one particularly fun comment from my brother's wife, "Well, marriage IS just a piece of paper." Lol...I about spit out my soda because she said this...right in front of my brother! I actually felt worse for him! What I've learned is to spend more time sharing this time with the people who are supportive and happy for us. We have a GREAT group of friends, small, but enthusiastic about our plans. His family is excited. I focus on the positivity from these people and spend as little time as possible worrying about those who just...don't...get...it.
  • I am dealing with a similar situation.  It's my second wedding and my FI's first.  I know before sending out invitations that some of my family and friends won't want to travel to attend my second wedding and some won't want to attend because they don't agree with my getting divorced from husband #1 (he changed his mind after 2 years of marriage and decided not only did he not want kids, he never wanted to be married in the first place.)

    I am going to try not to take it personally but ultimately I plan to have fun and enjoy my second wedding for my FI and appreciate those who do decide to show up.
  • Congrats to you, but be prepared to hear things like this often unfortuately. I have stopped talking to certain people about my wedding because they feel the second time around you should just go to the JOP. This includes the people that are closest to you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_what-do-you-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:06c6b659-a0a8-4207-b686-fe38d438c419Post:19014c61-5fd2-4997-ae8a-6e2cd9676c99">Re: What do you say?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In my experience, you need to take control of this situation at the earliest possible opportunity. I'm planning my third wedding.  My first husband ran off with his boss's secretary just months after we married.   My second husband died of cancer. My mother and one sister have been particularly negative about my wedding plans, despite that I hadn't shared those plans with them. Comments like "you don't need a big party", "you shouldn't wear a white dress", "you need to put no gifts please on your invitations, since it's not your first wedding", etc. I let it go for far longer than I should have.  My wedding is in not quite 3 months.  2 weeks ago, my mother said something that finally pushed me over the edge and we had a rather unpleasant sit-down.  I basically told her it's none of her business what I'm doing, she is invited as a guest, I hope she comes and I simply will not tolerate one more disparaging, disrepectful comment from her. I also said something to the effect that if she or others saw fit to look down on me because my first husband was a cheating whore and my second died on me, that is the real breach of etiquette.
    Posted by ceceibson[/QUOTE]
    I don't know how to copy just part of something..but I LOVE the last part of this.
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