Good lord...could they make it sound any worse? (Stepkid related)

tropical.dreams

I just joined a stepmom forum to get ready for what's going to come after the wedding. There's a sticky thread about "what would you like to tell other women thinking about becoming a stepmom?" and some of these women make it sound like a fate worse than Auschwitz.

"My advice to anyone considering this?  Just run.  Run like hell.  Truly, I don't need to know the circumstances.  I don't need to know how much you LUUUUUURVE him. I don't want to hear how you can make such a difference in his and his kids' lives.  I.  Just.  Don't.  Care.  In my experience, it is SO RARE that these things turn out well and it is SO INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT getting them to do so, that it's just not worth it.  The personal costs are way too high and you deserve better.  Across the board and without exception. "

"All things considered my DH has no "big" issues. With that in mind hear me when I say, I would not sign up for this again...ever."

"I would say, "do not get married until the kids are out of the house". Dating is one thing and living the stepmom life is another. But, that's based on my experience alone. Had I known then, what I know now, I would have lived in my house, with my kitties and just dated my husband."

"Separate bank accounts and separate homes. Period. End of story. Don't plan on living together until the kids have moved away and have lives of their own or risk the chance that they will come live with you.The problems never go away and it doesn't really get better. You can't change him or them. If you can't survive the next 5 or 10 years at war (battleground = your house), think hard about bailing now. Sorry to be blunt. It's a hard life."

Really?

Yeah, I know that living together in a step relationship is unpredictable and insanely difficult at times, but I waited a long, long time for real and permanent love to come into my life. When it did, it came in the form of a man with kids. It will make life more complicated, for sure, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Bad days as a stepmom with a husband who loves her will always be better than even good days as a lonely single woman without kids, IMO.

Hello, bitterness train...sorry, I'll take the next one.

Sue-n-Kevin

Wow. All I can say is Wow.

Having said that, here is my experience: My ex, my 16 y/o daughter's dad, was an immature a-hole. He did NOT get along with my son, who was 3 when I met him, and 7 when we moved in together because we had a daughter together. He called my son Satan, and "666", and just was not prepared to deal with a brilliant child with ADHD.

He is gone. He had major issues that he was unwilling to change.

Fast forward 8 years (during which I had NO dates, because I needed to resolve the issues in my home with my kids). I went online and found the sweetest single Dad ever, my husband to be. He loves my kids as his own, and I have tried to be a good "almost" step mom to his 3 adult children, one of whom is an alcoholic, the other an 18 y/o unmarried mom to a currently 6 month old baby.
 
Is step-parenting easy? HELL NO! Is it Auschwitz like? Hardly. It depends on the 2 people involved, the kids, and the interaction of all of them.

FWIW, my ex has been married to a woman for 5 years who treats our daughter the way HE treated my son...........karma is a bitch. But I'm still a good parent, and stand by my kid, and he's doing so as well now that it is his, and just not mine.

Marrin713

Try to find another forum - the people posting in that one sound way too bitter and have no business spreading their awful experience as if it is gospel.  I'm sure many many situations are awful and you DO have to go into a step-situation forewarned and prepared for it, but not with a negative attitude.

MikesAngie

I have been a step-parent in now two very different situations.  It can be tough but it can be very rewarding as well.  It's certainly not the hell that board makes it out to be even at it's toughest.

It all depends on the parenting style of both biological parents and your parenting style - do they all mesh and keep environments for the kids cohesive and positive.  Or is the mom an absentee or a drama queen, or vice-verse... Kids reflect and magnify what they are taught and the environment they live in. If there is a chaotic parent the child(ren) will attempt to bring chaos to the new family, until you explain to them that behavior is not acceptable and show them what a drama-free home is like. 

We had drama issues for a while with my FI's daughter but that has all settled down now because no one else was creating or feeding her chaos.   Her bio-mom is an alcholic and lives 3000 miles away so there is little chaos from the bio-mom feeding into our home.

For me being a step-mom has been no different than being a parent of my own child - kids are challenging whether they are your own or like you own...

handfast4me

I'm sure that not all situations are the same.  So you need to decide for yourself, based on what you know about the kids and their dad. 

However, I must say that when I was dating and before I met DH, I purposefully avoided men who had children under the age of 18.  I knew that I wouldn't be a good stepmom.  I accepted full responsibility for not being able to do that, and so I just didn't date men with kids who were still in his home.  It had nothing to do with the guys or their kids, it had everything to do with me.  I knew that I couldn't be a good mom to a child that was not my own. 

And, DH has no children, so it worked out well. 

kimber9999

WOW!

those women are very jaded and I feel very sad for them.
I had been a single mom for 7+ years just for the fact that I didnt want to have to deal with someone else's children, and I didnt want to have my kids have to deal with another 'parent' (seeing as their dad disappeared for a couple years)
BUT I found an amazing man online and he has 3 teenaged girls, two of which live with us (3rd girl has major issues and had to move out before we even moved in)
and I treat the 2 girls that live with us like they were my own, and my loving FI loves and treat my 2 kids (girl 14 boy 18) as well as he treats his.
Yes we have our ups and downs, but thats life and everyone has to deal with bumps in the road.
The biggest bump I have had to deal with is his ex (their mom) and believe me I have tried to be civil to her, but she is plain psycho. Also I must add that I have been a stepmom before so I knew about all the different bumps.
Now that I am getting married to their dad ( we have all been living in the same house for 2+ yrs) all 4 teenagers are excited about the wedding, they know that nothing major will change, just my last name, and I would do all of this over again...even deal with the psycho again

jaimerae727

I can't say that I understand being a step momma but I can say I have one. It would destroy me if she said any of that stuff about me. She married a man with 3 kids and never left. My dad has been gone for 9 years and I still speak with and see her a few times a week and has been more of a mother to me than my own, she has taken on the role and honor as mother of the bride and was a lifeline when it came to my divorce and rebuilding with 2 kids of my own. I could go on and on about her as she is that incredible. People have commented to her about having step kids and her response is cordial but dismissive in that we ARE her children. She has helped my current FI a lot with having questions about parenting and step children and is a doting "Grammy" to my boys. I would hope upon hope that whomever reads that board would draw their own conclusions based on their own experience. Being a "step" is no doubt tough and maybe I'm lucky to have had 2 incredible stepparents and an amazing FI who is an excellent "step" as well. A lot of times it's an uphill climb but according to my step mom it was always worth it. Anyone embarking on this journey I wish you much love and luck, I say that as a grateful stepchild. Sorry it's so long...but I get passionate about this lol. Be well and have a great day!

shytownkelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_good-lordcould-sound-worse-stepkid-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:0ab75e98-f50c-4719-ae29-772cc7bc7be0Post:1466ef49-612b-4cbe-a3b8-516795f3f33f">Re: Good lord...could they make it sound any worse? (Stepkid related)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure that not all situations are the same.  So you need to decide for yourself, based on what you know about the kids and their dad. 
Posted by handfast4me[QUOTE]

THIS!

I think it has EVERYTHING to do with individual situations.  My to be step-son is challenging me - to be a better person/parent.  His needs are sooo much more than my daughters because he's never had the consistency a good parent(s) bring.  My FI has only had custody of him for a few short years (he is 15).  We are having to teach him rules that most kids learn by the age of 5-6.  We are also having to help him UN Learn all the bad behaviors he was allowed to get away with by his mom and his step father. 

Is it easy? Hell to the NO.  Is it worth it?  I don't know yet.  as a teenager - he won't thank us for providing a good home and helping him become a productive adult  - until maybe someday in the future...but I'm not going to hold my breath for that.  I just hope that when he leaves our home - he can be a functioning member of society instead of a drain on it.  (ie - a job and such vs prison)

However - I believe that people are put in our paths for a reason - we either learn from them or we teach them something. 

Good luck to you!

tropical.dreams

I should have just stayed off the board to begin with. It all started with a stepmom book I got at the library and snowballed from there, just because I wanted to be prepared. But these women scared the bejesus out of me! I even texted FI this morning (after being awake on and off all night with a stomachache) that I didn't know if I knew how to be a good stepmom. I was terrified.

But in the light of day, I calmed down, especially when he told me that as long as I was a good partner to him, I'd be a good stepmom to the kids, and that he was still trying to figure it all out himself!

Lizdc

There is never one rule every situation is different. I have a step dad who I still love to this day even though my mom divorced him 15 years ago. My son has a step mom who he lives with half time, and I have a step son who lives in another state but who will be with us for weeks on end from time to time.

Every relationship is different. So don't let others tell you how it has to be.

squarepeg72

Every situation is what you make of it ... FH and I were very careful in his introduction to my kids and he involved them in the planning of the proposal. He even went as far as to show the ring to my oldest and get her permission before he proposed.

My kids really seem to love and respect him, but he came in with the attitude of asking for their respect and not trying to take thier father's place. FH calls his stepfather his dad and growing up in a blended family has helped with the transition.

Just take it one step at a time and see what happens ... Don't let the comments on the other board scare you away.

MuddyInsignia

I am marrying a man with a 6 year old boy and 10 year old girl. I purchased a wonderful book and highly recommend it: A Career Girls' Guide to Becoming a Stepmom.

It has been a good preparation tool for me. I would like to find a good online forum, but I have yet to do so. Does anyone else recommend any?

[Deleted User]

That's just wrong. I'm 24 yo and I recently married a man with 3 kids ages 6,5 and 4. From my own parents divorce and growing up with that I know it is going to be nearly unbearable at times between the kids, the EW and then our future children but love, real true love, is worth all the crap that you put up with. The fact that these "grown women" don't see it that way is sad.

lindaloulubbock

Re: "when he told me that as long as I was a good partner to him, I'd be a good stepmom to the kids, and that he was still trying to figure it all out himself!"

It is a fallacy that us birthparents know what we're doing.  I'm still flying by the seat of my pants, and I'm so super greatful that FI wants to come along for the ride. :-)  Rest assured that when many (most? all?) of us birthparents were in the process of becoming parents we spent nights lying awake worried we'd be good mothers and fathers, we panicked and wondered if we'd survive, if we'd know what to do, if we'd made a huge mistake.  It's not at all surprising that you'd feel the same way.

You and your new family make your own situation. 

fireytiger

I personally don't have any kids or stepkids coming into my life. But my FI has two stepbrothers and a stepsister. In a family of 5 kids, of course there was stress and "testing" of each parent to see what they could get away with. But FI's mom and stepdad (he calls him by his first name, rather than "dad" but it was never a requirement) were on a united front from the beginning. It was clear that there would be no playing off of each of them or pitting them against each other. FI considers his stepfather to be more of a real father to him than his own ever was. They are one family, but it took work. Anybody who walks into a relationship with pre-existing children and expects there to not be extra work (and stress) involved in the relationship overall, is deluding themselves.