One Marriage... Two Weddings?

Kris and Serena

I guess my question would technically belong here, since I can't think of any reason it would fall under any other category... I'm just having some problems wrapping my head around everything that has to get done!Here is my situation: We got engaged a year ago. We originally slated the wedding to be in May of 2010, but when my job took a turn for the worse, I headed back to college. May of 2010 would have been the month I spent doing finals, so we pushed the wedding to August of 2010.Recently, my hours have been cut at work and I am not making the extra money we needed to budget for the wedding. (We are paying by ourselves: no parental assistance. We want our parents to enjoy the day without worrying about the price tag!) This has led to the unfortunate conclusion that we cannot afford to have the wedding in August of next year, as we have not saved enough and are now forced to dip into what we DID save to make ends meet. Earlier this year my FI and I attended his brother's wedding. It was a very small affair, just immediate family, and a JOP to make the marriage legal before the brother went into the military. The couple is intending to have the big wedding when he gets out of the military in four years.This presented a solution for us: If we just have a small, personal ceremony/celebration with the people we absolutely want to have there (parents and siblings), then a larger wedding with all the traditional trappings we were looking forward to once I have finished school and the economy turns the corner (assuming it ever does)... that would solve a lot of the issues we were facing. We wouldn't have to wait for a marriage, just for the big wedding that he's always wanted.My question is this: technically, this will be the first wedding for both of us (and, we hope, the ONLY wedding for both of us!). When we do the larger ceremony and reception for friends and family, would that be called a wedding ceremony or just a vow renewal? Would we change any customs that would "typically" be involved in a wedding, such as the exchange of rings or lighting of a unity candle? What would we change, and what could we keep without looking silly (because, technically, we would already be married?)? I hope this isn't a silly question... I hope it makes sense, and I thank everyone in advance for their help!

brian&shelli

In my humble opinion, and I want to clarify that this is solely my opinion.  I would consider it a renewal of vows ceremony.  There is no reason whatsoever that you would need to change any or couldn't do any of the "typical" things involved in a wedding.  It is YOUR renewal ceremony and you can be as extravagant as you'd like or on the other side of the spectrum, you can have it as intimate as you like.  I suppose it would also depend on the time span between your wedding and your vow renewal.  If it's only months, then you could have a huge celebration reception after the fact, kind of like DW Brides that have an AHR upon their return.  (As in my case)Nonetheless, as I mentioned, there's no reason that you wouldn't be able to do any of the things you were referring to, i.e. exhange of rings, lighting of unity candle, etc..... bouquet toss, garter toss, first dance, father/daughter dance, etc.  HTH, Good luck and happy planning!  I hope everything works out for you!  : )

handfast4me

I'm perfectly fine with folks having a small wedding (heck, that's what we did!) and then having a big bash later.  But  your future BILs wedding, because of a military reason, is the only way I support "two" weddings.   there are other brides who've had to do the same thing due to sons/husbands/sisters, etc. being deployed, but that is an entirely different can of worms.  Heck, I didn't even call my two ceremonies both weddings.  Of course, we didn't have any guests or families at either, so it's a bit different, because our religious ceremony wasn't recognized legally in our state, the officials couldn't legally be ordained because of the laws, etc. so we called that ceremony a betrothal ceremony, and the legal one later "the wedding."  You'll have to do what's right for you and what your circle of friends is comfortable with.  But if a friend called the second ceremony a wedding I think I'd give them the side-eye.  Because it's negating the ceremony you would have already had.  A big anniversary party, now, that's something I could attend without a hint of disdain. 

Kris and Serena

Wonderful answers - thanks everyone for your help!

barino

I'm going to have to weigh-in here, because I'm in a similar situation. My FI and I had our wedding slated for July 31, 2010. For a number of reasons (none having to do with military folks going overseas) we decided to elope. We had a private ceremony just the 2 of us and our witnesses on July 31, 2009. And because I still want the big wedding I've always thought about, we're still having our July 31 2010 ceremony (so our anniversary will be the same date) and we're not calling it a "vow renewal." Marriage and wedding mean something different to everyone. Unity candles, vows, I do's, officiants, etc vary from culture to culture and family to family. You decide what it means to you and if it means having two ceremonies, one now and one later, that's fine. The only thing the state cares about is signing on that line (which you'll only do once). The only catch: if people know you've already signed the license and are legally married, they may not come out for your wedding. But if formality is all they care about --and not the moment you and your FI declare your love, commitment, and joining of families in front of everyone in a way that's meaningful to you-- then did you really want them there anyway?I think this is a best-of-both-worlds scenario. The hard part will be deciding who to invite and whether to keep it a secret from others. In the end, the most important part is your love for each other and your families. And if people have problems because its not the most "traditional" way of getting married - let them deal with it.Good luck! I'm sure you'll make the decision that's best for you.