Second Weddings

Do I incorporate my son?

I have a 3 year old son from my first marriage.  This is the first marriage for my FI.  We are planning a wedding that is about an hour away from where we live.  I would love for my son to be a part of our wedding, but I'm not sure logistically if it can work.  He's only 3, so bedtime is 8:00pm.  I would have to have someone watch him throughout the wedding (which would be hard since he's a mama's boy and only wants me) and then someone would have to leave the wedding to bring him to a hotel and put him to bed and stay with him.  I feel like it's more trouble than anything.  Any advice?  Should he just stay home with his dad that weekend or does anyone have any ideas of how I could make this work?

Re: Do I incorporate my son?

  • I have 4 children still at home from my first marriage.  They are all older than yours, but we have someone coming that used to be my babysitter and now is just like family who will be in charge of them.  She will be managing them during the day while we're getting ready and such and then during the reception and then she'll take them back to their hotel room afterwards. 

    Also, keep in mind that bedtime may be 8:00 on regular nights, but this is a special one so you might consider letting him stay up longer.  I'm sure there is someone in your family who would be happy to keep tabs on him, but generally, everyone will, especially if he's the only child there.  You will need someone to take him regardless unless you're planning on bringing him with you on your wedding night.  Perhaps his dad could pick him up after the reception and keep him the rest of the weekend.
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  • He's three he's not going to remember being in or at your wedding.  And if he is as much of a mama's boy as you say how difficult will it be to keep him quiet during your vows and ceremony?  I understand that this is a special day for you and your FI and yes your sweet boy will be as in the moment as any three year old can be. Weddings are tough for toddlers, there are strangers, strange clothes plus meal times and bed times get messed up. 

    If you have him with you make sure that there is a loving adult that is willing to care for him, that he will readily go to as well. 

    The youngest person at our wedding was six and she clung to her daddy most of the time - she was a little overwhelmed by all the people that she wasn't familar with.  (She is the daughter of my husband's cousin). 
  • In Response to Re: Do I incorporate my son?:
    He's three he's not going to remember being in or at your wedding.  And if he is as much of a mama's boy as you say how difficult will it be to keep him quiet during your vows and ceremony?  I understand that this is a special day for you and your FI and yes your sweet boy will be as in the moment as any three year old can be. Weddings are tough for toddlers, there are strangers, strange clothes plus meal times and bed times get messed up.  If you have him with you make sure that there is a loving adult that is willing to care for him, that he will readily go to as well.  The youngest person at our wedding was six and she clung to her daddy most of the time - she was a little overwhelmed by all the people that she wasn't familar with.  (She is the daughter of my husband's cousin). 
    Posted by MikesAngie
    You bring up some very valid points.  I realize that he will not remember it...I guess it would be more for me and my FI for him to be there.  But you are 100% correct - keeping him quiet during vows and ceremony will be nearly impossible and the whole day will be overwhelming for him.  That's why I'm struggling with this decision.  I think ultimately the few people that he would be comfortable being watched after are my parents and 2 close friends - all who will be a big part of our day and I wouldnt want to ask them to spend it chasing after a 3 year old.  I want them to enjoy the day.  Maybe spending the weekend with his dad is a better option.
  • In Response to Re: Do I incorporate my son?:
    He's three he's not going to remember being in or at your wedding.
    I personally don't agree with this.  My kids remember things from when they were 2 so not all children are the same.  Additionally, if I read your date right, you have a year and a half until your wedding making him 4-5.  This is a decision I would put off until you get closer to the date.  You have plenty of time and he will be older.
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  • If he will be clingy & want to be held or carried during the wedding & reception, are you ok with that? 
    Is his Dad reliable & dependable?  Will he be cooperative with taking him on this date?  If he wants to get you, bailing on his time with his son would be a great way to do it. 

    I think 3 years old you can skip having him there without much stress or trouble.  I think by 5 he should at least be there for some of it, not excluded.  At 4 it really depends on the child.  I agree with the PP who said to wait until closer to the day to see what kind of child he is then.

    If his Dad was REALLY cooperative, you could have him participate in the ceremony & then get picked up by Dad (or grandparents, or aunts, etc).  ~Donna
  • Our granddaughter was 18 months old at our wedding. She was the flowergirl, there for the ceremony, then her dad picked her up and took her with him.

    Our ringbearer was 3 at the time, and he stayed until the end, which was about 11 pm (our ceremony was at 5:30, pictures beforehand at 4 pm). He was there the entire time, was really the LIFE of the party if you ask me. Of course, his parents were there, they were not in the wedding party, so they could watch him. But he was out on the dance floor really having a blast, and I found it endearing, not irritating. I guess it depends on your point of view.  

    I think it depends on your relationship with his dad. If it were me, I'd try to have my son there, especially if your wedding is more than a year away. The difference between 3 y/o & 4 y/o is pretty big. If you anticipate he will still be clingy, then see if his dad will come pick him up maybe after dinner.

    Good luck.
  • A year does change a lot I would wait until closer to the date to decide. Like Sue said if you want him there maybe set up a time for his dad to come pick him up . 
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  • Well, luckily my son will be 21 and giving me away! I do think it's important for your child(ren) to be part of the wedding. My ex-husband got married when my daughter was about 7 and my son 11. They eloped and though my son never mentions it, my daughter talks all the time about how she was not at her dad's wedding. I won't make that mistake! :) If they are too little for the whole event, plan on having someone bring them home early to a sitter.
  • Well, luckily my son will be 21 and giving me away! I do think it's important for your child(ren) to be part of the wedding. My ex-husband got married when my daughter was about 7 and my son 11. They eloped and though my son never mentions it, my daughter talks all the time about how she was not at her dad's wedding. I won't make that mistake! :) If they are too little for the whole event, plan on having someone bring them home early to a sitter.
  • Thank you everyone for the replies.  Luckily, I have a good relationship with my son's dad and he is generally very cooperative.  I think it could work to have my son participate in the ceremony and then be picked up by his dad afterwards.  My FI agrees that he would like him to be a part of the ceremony.  He will have just turned 4 by the time of our wedding, so yes, his temperment may change by then.  I guess I'll have to see as it gets closer.
    Thanks again!
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