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The #1 mistake wives make - posting on my favorite boards...

The #1 Mistake Wives Make

A compelling story about wives, our choices, and their unexpected implications.

A friend of the Anonymous8 is a single middle age woman who is petite, beautiful, and a go-getter. She has dated a lot. She is interested in a long term relationship, so she is careful who she dates.  She has gone out with numerous men, and boy, did she learn something interesting from listening to them.

One night she explained that she made a major discovery about men from her new dating life. Now, we are all curious. We wondered what is it that she found out?

What she has discovered is so simple and basic and it makes so much sense that you will want to slap yourself in the forehead. Sometimes you need to hear it from the outside to see if it applies to you.

First, almost all of the men she has seen are divorcees. She explains that every one of her dates tells her the same story.

“Ladies, let me tell you what. All of these men, they say exactly the same thing to me. And you can see it in each of their eyes. They felt ignored, like their needs weren’t met, like they were last on the list. They tell me this EVERY SINGLE TIME (take your index finger and tap it with vigor on the table while reading that for emphasis), that they were put behind the kids and the friends and were not led to feel as important as other parts of their ex-wives lives. They were lonely. Each man’s story – it’s like a broken record.” And with that last thought, she lets out a sigh.

She goes on. From there, the marriages start to die. These men saw the needs of everyone else came before their needs were met. They were all lonely, and things fell apart.

Of course, this got us all thinking. Have we been doing this to our husbands? Or have our husbands been doing this to us? And it was a slap in the face, a wake up call, and a chance to readjust some of our priorities. 

The moral of the story for me is that marriage needs to be at the top of the priority list. I heard it once like this – take care of yourself first (yea! like that’s real easy or achievable when you are in the trenches with kids and jobs and husbands to tend to…), your marriage second, and your kids third. Kids need a happy mom and dad, a supportive family unit, and parents who invest in each other.  

Re: The #1 mistake wives make - posting on my favorite boards...

  • blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I feel this is kind of blaming women for marriages falling apart.

    I see the idea is nice, but it should apply to men and women. Put your spouse close to the top of your list. (I won't put my spouse above the kids but he will be close) Men should do the same, he might be lonely, has he asked his wife how she's feeling?

    EDIT I have kids from my first marriage and my FI understands completely that they have to come first. WE make time for ourselves and have time alone BUT when the kids need me I'm there. Some men don't get it. My first marriage broke up due to his abuse but i am sure he would be one to complain the I "wasn't there for him enough"

  • edited December 2011
    I am quite certain that the woman who did the dating heard this.  Why?  Because she was talking to the men.  And if these men were going to go at this relationship thing one more time, they were going to put it out there right from the start.  "Take care of ME!"

    If I heard that on a date?  See ya later, dude.  I already had a man who felt like my job was to cater to him.  To do all the earning, all the child-rearing, all the money saving, all the cooking, all the cleaning and all the being a grown-up and making grown up decisions.  While he did all the spending, all the playing, all the staying out late and partying with his friends like he was freakin' 19 years old. Yes he did the cars and the yard.  In fact he did the child care (but not child rearing, there is a difference). 

    I was attracted to DH because he had a history of care giving.  NOT that I want to be taken care of.  But that I want someone who can give and take.  And who will be my equal partner, all the time.  Not 50/50 every minute, but for every 60/40, there's a 40/60. 

    I have to say that the article screams to me that these women were "putting the children first" by feeding, bathing, soothing, tending, piloting, chaperoning, and raising them.  And that their friends came second so they could have an outlet to scream from the rafters that if he would just help a little...   And to talk about how flippin' tired they were at the end of the whole rigamarole, and then they had to face a man with a smile on his face thinking that now would be the time he might "get some".   <rant over />
  • edited December 2011
    LMAO! I agree with both posts. I like the article because I have a DH who thinks the house needs to be first, the kids second, and "us" next. DH does lots of work around the house and is not like the sterotypical husband sitting around drinking beer and watching sports. I want to believe the article's intention was to point out that it is easy to get caught up in all the "stuff." For instance, my daughters are in volleyball season right now. It "could" take over the universe if we let it. But, instead, we keep a balance and keep "us." That's what I think the point is.
  • edited December 2011
    See, I whole heartedly believe that putting the couple first is important.  But is absolutely not practical when you have very small children. 

    "Sorry sweetie, we'll have to talk about your nightmare later, Mommy & Daddy are having cuddle time"
    "I'm sure the colicy baby will just CIO eventually dear, while we discuss Romanian politics." 
    "Let's eat a romantic dinner at 10 pm, just the two of us.  I am sure the toddlers will find some cheerios under the sofa cushions"

    You have to be partnered, as a couple, to divide & conquer the tasks at hand.  And much of the early time in a marriage that has young children, that means catering to the needs (and sometimes whims) of little ones.  So cuddle time may mean after the baby is fed, and bathed, and read to and tucked in, and soothed, and sung to.  And if that comes at the end of a 15 hour day of non-stop go, go, go?  Cuddle time may be just that, a quick cuddle in the 7.4 seconds until they are both sound asleep.
  • edited December 2011
    I think it is very easy to put the marriage behind other things going on but, without putting the hubbie above kids, or kids above hubbie, they each need their time.  LETS FACE IT, romantic time with hubbie is for you to.  Its important to schedule that time in, just as you would for a doc appointment or a job.  Yes, even .. actually especially if you have kiddies.  Make a promis to spend time, movie or what have you, romantic dinner while kids spend night at grandmas or aunty's house.  Or just something special between the two of u at home.  Shower and dress up for a date at the dinning room table.  It is imperative that you dont put your marriage on hold for your kids....it never really ends up in their benefit
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I DID hear this from a great deal of the men I dated, but like Donna, there's anoteher side to this.  The one that really got me was the guy who told me that his wife didn't want children, and he sort of coerced her into it, then he was really angry when she put the kids ahead of him.  I put him square to blame for that one.

    It's like I say in my stand up routine:  no man ever got shot while doing the dishes. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    My mom always said that when the kids are grown and away, it's going to be just the two of you.  Right now is an interesting time with a second marriage.  My son is 29 and not living at home.  I strive to put my H first, but sometimes old habits die hard and I find myself struggling betw H and my son.  My son has gone through some bad times (most his own doing) but things are starting to look up for him, but I still have that instinct to drop all and help him.  I really do have to curb THAT particular "enthusiasm."
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So for 9,5 years I was the wife who cleaned (kept the house up like a show piece),did the dishes, did laundry, parented the X's youngest daughter, did the all the financial planning, paid bills, did all the seasonal decorating, school clothes shoping for his grandchildren and worked a 60 hr/week job - and kept him first.  The XH insisted on cooking (my cooking is too healthy), doing the grocery shopping, and the yard work (we had landscapers so it was more just puttering) - he also complained about "everthing" he did while working a job that required maybe 30 hours a week of his time which he was drastically over paid. We also entertained at our house a lot - special dinners for his family and/or friends (which I got stuck with the dishes and the formal decor).

    So according to the article the marriage should have worked.  

    The XH is a womanizing, insecure control freak, I lacked proper selfesteem when I met him and didn't see him for who he is.  When I finally got back to "me" (it took the better part of 8 years he purposely kept me down) he flipped out and found himself another woman - 9 months later we were divorced.  There are a lot of gory details that led to the divorce which I won't go into here.

    The moral of the story.  Know who you are marrying. Understand that the relationship and the marriage need to be a priority with both partners and will require compromise, understanding and awesome communication. It's work but when it's good it's worth it - when it's bad you need to find out why. 



  • edited December 2011
    No no no Angie, you put the housework first.  If you put HIM first, he would have stayed.  Yell  (I wish that were a vomit symbol). 
  • 2dBride2dBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I had a mother who put her husband first, way ahead of her children.  I remember one night when we were traveling, and the only place to eat in our area was too expensive, so we children had to do without food.  Of course, my father still got to go out drinking.

    At home, my mother fed us a lot of Spam and macaroni, to keep the food budget down.  However, the liquor store still delivered the two liters of wine a day that my father drank.

    When my father began molesting me, I was young enough so I didn't even have words for what he was doing.  However, I finally got up the nerve to tell my mother that, "Daddy is being affectionate with me in ways that I don't think a father should be affectionate with his daughter."  Without even asking me what I meant by that, she told me that I was being overly sensitive, and should be nicer to my father.

    When my father was still showering with my sister when my sister was 18, my mother was still convinced there was nothing wrong.

    When my brother, sister, and I finally all told my mother in words even she could not misinterpret what had gone on, she blamed my sister and me for throwing ourselves at him.  Apparently, when I was 11, he just wasn't up to resisting my charms.

    Yes, my mother's marriage "worked," in the sense that they are still married.  But that has involved her overlooking his numerous affairs, as well as the molestation of both her daughters.  Maybe it's just me, but I think there are worse things than divorce.

    I'm sorry, but I just can't agree that the husband should always come ahead of the children.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_1-mistake-wives-posting-favorite-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:2436fa72-7373-4b3f-919e-78bd6a0d685aPost:0ae28e47-0cdb-45dd-8229-89699830526e">Re: The #1 mistake wives make - posting on my favorite boards...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had a mother who put her husband first, way ahead of her children.  I remember one night when we were traveling, and the only place to eat in our area was too expensive, so we children had to do without food.  Of course, my father still got to go out drinking. At home, my mother fed us a lot of Spam and macaroni, to keep the food budget down.  However, the liquor store still delivered the two liters of wine a day that my father drank. When my father began molesting me, I was young enough so I didn't even have words for what he was doing.  However, I finally got up the nerve to tell my mother that, "Daddy is being affectionate with me in ways that I don't think a father should be affectionate with his daughter."  Without even asking me what I meant by that, she told me that I was being overly sensitive, and should be nicer to my father. When my father was still showering with my sister when my sister was 18, my mother was still convinced there was nothing wrong. When my brother, sister, and I finally all told my mother in words even she could not misinterpret what had gone on, she blamed my sister and me for throwing ourselves at him.  Apparently, when I was 11, he just wasn't up to resisting my charms. Yes, my mother's marriage "worked," in the sense that they are still married.  But that has involved her overlooking his numerous affairs, as well as the molestation of both her daughters.  Maybe it's just me, but I think there are worse things than divorce. I'm sorry, but I just can't agree that the husband should always come ahead of the children.
    Posted by 2dBride[/QUOTE]


    Im sorry that you had that experience but that is an extreme case.  No one is advising that you overlook the safety, well being, and basic life needs of your children.  It is more simply, dont get so caught up with the kids that you forget your husband, make time for him & make him feel special and wanted.....

    Most men would not find blatent neglect of children an admirable quality anyway
  • edited December 2011
    I bet if any of those men had done the dishes or folded the laundry or done the grocery shopping or took over bath/bed time of the children a few times a week their wives would have had a lot more time for them.  

    GRRRRRRR

    The alternate message is if you leave your wife alone to handle all of the responsibilities of grown-up life, she will eventually realize that she is perfectly capable of handling grown-up life without you in it...and maybe her life might even be easier, because there will be one less person demanding her time and attention without giving her anything in return. 

    She probably dated my XH.
  • edited December 2011
    I guess somehow I am a lucky XW.  I somehow managed to excape my 1st marriage without so much pent up hatred.  The X-hub helped with dishes/laundry/children ect.   We both worked and did best we could.  It was too bad that he couldnt keep his penis to himself.  I dont at all view that as my lack of attention for him, because I gave plenty and we definatly enjoyed our personal time together and qunatity or quality of sex was never a prob (we romped several times weekly).  I just view it as it was HIS deficiancy in that particular area and I just was not willing to remain in a marriage where I had to worry about what pathogen he may be bringing home to our bed. 

    All that being said, now engaged again, there is nothing I would do differently and I definatly believe that current FI deserves all the love and attention that I gave to hub#1 if not more. 

    No one can push you more than you want to be pushed.  In my 1st marriage, household rules were laid out before marriage.  I cook 3x weekly only.  3days you eat left overs and one day you take me out (or order in).  You wash & I fold & put away.  All heavy things are your duty, cleaning things are my duty.  We both clean up consistantly throughout day as needed.  I was pregnant when we got married so even duties concerning child were discussed up front.
  • edited December 2011
    My children and my life have not gotten any less demanding, but I have found that in my second marriage, with a man who is my PARTNER, I have a lot more time and energy to devote to my marriage.  Not just my marriage, either, but to our family life, too.  

    It's a lot to do with expectations, too.  To my XH, making time for him meant having a babysitter, dinner out, going away.  He had to not only be at the top of my list of priorities, but he needed to be the only priority.  That's just not always feasible when you're up to your eyeballs in a ginormous house and new cars and you live 3 hours away from family.  

    Now, my husband is just as happy to fold laundry together and watch Monday Night Football and call it date night.  When we can we try to have a lunch date once a week.   We don't necessarily have more time alone together, but we make the most of the time we have, and we realize that time for us doesn't mean time absent of home life and children.

  • edited December 2011
    ((2d))  I'm sorry that you had to go through that. 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_1-mistake-wives-posting-favorite-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:2436fa72-7373-4b3f-919e-78bd6a0d685aPost:96b65388-cef5-4f9c-87ae-3fb34045d589">Re: The #1 mistake wives make - posting on my favorite boards...</a>:
    [QUOTE] Now, my husband is just as happy to fold laundry together and watch Monday Night Football and call it date night.  When we can we try to have a lunch date once a week.   We don't necessarily have more time alone together, but we make the most of the time we have, and we realize that time for us doesn't mean time absent of home life and children.
    Posted by lindaloulubbock[/QUOTE]

    That is really nice :)
  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Oh 2dB - there are no words.  Well there are for your mother but it doesn't help.
  • edited December 2011
    2dB - I am so sorry. Now I feel bad for posting the article. I just found it interesting is all. I certainly was not thinking it would be hurtful to read. My apologies.
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    2dB - sorry that you lived that life - how horrible for you and your siblings. 
  • 2dBride2dBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    JostMarried:  I didn't mean to make you feel bad.  I was just explaining why I personally have trouble relating to the language of that piece.
  • edited December 2011
    im sorry but i disagree with this article entirley. i did every thing for ex hudband. everything! he was like a little child i cooked and cleaned for him, laid out his clothes, drew his bath water, paid his bills, "submitted" to him when he wanted, took care of his three god kids that lived with us, took him to his medical appointments, hired people to help him, worked my butt off to pay for anything and everything he wanted while he stole my money beat me, lied to me, and slept with other women.

    okay i understand that this article is written from a point of trying to explain to make a priorities list and have your spouse near the top and try to make sure you make time for each other however putting your spouse first can honestly be a bad thing too (if your spouse has the tendency to be needy). i think we need to take care of all the important responsibilities first aka: self, childeren job home... (with your spouse equally helping) and make as much time for each other doing that. aka doing the dishes together, scheduling a dinner together or a date night while kids are at a friends, folding socks together ect... Im sorry about my little rant here but of course the person who was divorced is saying their needs werent met but exactly what were their needs? were they like my ex? unrelistic demands? and honestly they are going to make themselves look the best possible in every light. its a natural dating thing (even though most of us wont "bend" the truth to do it)
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  • edited December 2011
    When we found out I was expecting, DH and I came to the agreement that our kids were first. Period. I cant really fathom putting your kids down on the list. I agree that you should have a happy and healthy marriage for them, but I also know alot of single moms who do an amazing job with their kids. I agree with people above, if some H would help with the daily things their wives do, there would be much more time for him!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_1-mistake-wives-posting-favorite-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:2436fa72-7373-4b3f-919e-78bd6a0d685aPost:96b65388-cef5-4f9c-87ae-3fb34045d589">Re: The #1 mistake wives make - posting on my favorite boards...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My children and my life have not gotten any less demanding, but I have found that in my second marriage, with a man who is my PARTNER, I have a lot more time and energy to devote to my marriage.  Not just my marriage, either, but to our family life, too.   It's a lot to do with expectations, too.  To my XH, making time for him meant having a babysitter, dinner out, going away.  He had to not only be at the top of my list of priorities, but he needed to be the only priority.  That's just not always feasible when you're up to your eyeballs in a ginormous house and new cars and you live 3 hours away from family.   Now, my husband is just as happy to fold laundry together and watch Monday Night Football and call it date night.  When we can we try to have a lunch date once a week.   We don't necessarily have more time alone together, but we make the most of the time we have, and we realize that time for us doesn't mean time absent of home life and children.
    Posted by lindaloulubbock[/QUOTE]
    I agree with this.  The article did not suggest neglecting the children or even allowing abuse to the children.  It was about seeing to the emotional needs of the husband..... and <em>that</em> doesn't take much time.  A simple squeeze of the hand, a touch.... take the 30 seconds to give him a kiss in the morning before you get out of bed to go potty and <em>tell him</em> that you love him. My sweetie and I will cook dinner and wash dishes together and we are always touching and being affectionate. We'll watch a movie with the kids and be snuggled up the whole time.   The "us" needs to be nurtured.  My fiance gave me a story that he wrote about waking up with his now ex-wife...... he called her "the adversary"  but it was mostly about the fact that she didn't even <em>touch</em> him anymore and was void of caring toward him.  Based on that, I agree with the article.  I also saw my grandparent's marriage..... it was amazing and they put their marriage first, family second, jobs third.  God is above everything and if you're taking care of each other...... your needs are being met.
    ~Scott & Shelly~ ~4/23/10~We met our soulmates~ ~6/17/10~He popped the big question~ ~10/14/12~We become one flesh~
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_1-mistake-wives-posting-favorite-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:2436fa72-7373-4b3f-919e-78bd6a0d685aPost:09f20fc3-0692-4f0c-8956-5a235585ace6">Re: The #1 mistake wives make - posting on my favorite boards...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The #1 mistake wives make - posting on my favorite boards... : I agree with this.  The article did not suggest neglecting the children or even allowing abuse to the children.  It was about seeing to the emotional needs of the husband..... and that  doesn't take much time.  A simple squeeze of the hand, a touch.... take the 30 seconds to give him a kiss in the morning before you get out of bed to go potty and tell him  that you love him. My sweetie and I will cook dinner and wash dishes together and we are always touching and being affectionate. We'll watch a movie with the kids and be snuggled up the whole time.   The "us" needs to be nurtured.  My fiance gave me a story that he wrote about waking up with his now ex-wife...... he called her "the adversary"  but it was mostly about the fact that she didn't even touch  him anymore and was void of caring toward him.  Based on that, I agree with the article.  I also saw my grandparent's marriage..... it was amazing and they put their marriage first, family second, jobs third.  God is above everything and if you're taking care of each other...... your needs are being met.
    Posted by ShellyBaxter11[/QUOTE]

    Thank You,
    I think sometimes people take a statement and RUN with it.  The article as you said never suggested neglect or child abuse as a way to preserve marriage.  Sometimes wives give everything in a marriage EXCEPT affection.  The way you fold his clothes or pick up his socks arent exactly the things that keeps a man interested in his wife.  Nor is sex that is quiet obviously given to "shut him up" as opposed to mutal affection and attraction.  I dont think the article says you should ignore your children but, I think it simply suggests to not foget your man while you are busy taking care of house and kids..... I wouldnt want to be forgotten about <shrug />
  • edited December 2011
    I feel a little nervous posting on such a hot-button discussion when I'm so very new, but I just have to weigh in.  My FI was married to his XW for nearly 25 years and I truly believe he would never have left if she hadn't so consistenly put the children first.  Now understand, he loves, cares for and provides for his 4 children and could never be considered neglectful.  Where I see the breakdown of the relationship (and I know, I've only heard his side of the story) is when the opinions and feedback of the children came to be more important to her than his.  Instead of presenting a united team to the children, she allowed the kids to divide them. 

    As for those here who have abusive XHs and other men in their past, I'm so very sorry to read that.  I can definitely understand how an article like this would stir up incredulous feelings.  I hope we all have found partners to be with now that show us how beautiful life is when we take care of the one we love. 

    Oh wow, maybe I even need that vomit icon now, Wink I think that may have been too sweet even for me. 
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