How to tell Parents who aren't supportive?

CowboysWife04

So, I am now officially engaged as of Saturday night!    So, I get to officially join you ladies and I'm sure I'll have questions.

First question...I haven't yet told my parents we are now engaged and not sure how to tell them, yet feel like I need to before someone who does know posts it on Facebook!

For a little backstory, FI and I were once engaged about 9 1/2 years ago and we had a mutual break up.  We were too young (he was 21 and I was only 19) and were just on different paths in our lives.  A few months ago, (only a few days after I'd left my XH), we ran into each other at a local hangout.  We did move faster than 'normal' and had moved in within a few weeks and life has been great.  My girls love him and are absolutely thriving now that we are in a stable home and they see a healthy relationship on a daily basis.

The problem is my parents have been very unsupportive.  They still see FI as the guy he was 9 years ago and not the wonderful, loving man he is today.  They live in TX and we live in IA so they haven't even been up to visit since he and I got back together.

Anyway, if you want more details let me know but mainly, my question is when and how do I tell them, especially since I'm not expecting the greatest reaction?

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_tell-parents-arent-supportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:2f32a9e2-cf9e-4600-96ea-1ec4e23e646bPost:1cacbe41-bead-4e52-8e87-349a0091ea23">How to tell Parents who aren't supportive?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I am now officially engaged as of Saturday night!  :)  So, I get to officially join you ladies and I'm sure I'll have questions. First question...I haven't yet told my parents we are now engaged and not sure how to tell them, yet feel like I need to before someone who does know posts it on Facebook! For a little backstory, FI and I were once engaged about 9 1/2 years ago and we had a mutual break up.  We were too young (he was 21 and I was only 19) and were just on different paths in our lives.  A few months ago, (only a few days after I'd left my XH), we ran into each other at a local hangout.  We did move faster than 'normal' and had moved in within a few weeks and life has been great.  My girls love him and are absolutely thriving now that we are in a stable home and they see a healthy relationship on a daily basis. The problem is my parents have been very unsupportive.  They still see FI as the guy he was 9 years ago and not the wonderful, loving man he is today.  They live in TX and we live in IA so they haven't even been up to visit since he and I got back together. Anyway, if you want more details let me know but mainly, my question is when and how do I tell them, especially since I'm not expecting the greatest reaction?
Posted by CowboysWife04[/QUOTE]


Ok, so you left your xH in January of this year, re-met your xFi ( and now current)  a few days later, moved in a few weeks after that, and 2 months later you are engaged planning to marry in a year. You have two children under 5. They have some bad vibes about your Fi from the last time when you were engaged and broke it off. They haven't been up to visit because it hasn't even been 3 months that you've been together. You expect a not so great reaction?? 

Every single thing about this post screams rebound.  I know that's not what you wanted to hear.  Parents usually don't wish tough times on their kids and grandkids. Usually, they just want you to be happy and settled. I am sure they are terrified that you are so afraid of being alone, that you grabbed onto the most available easy relationship that you could find. 

My advice?  Move out.  Learn to be an independent source of support & satisfaction for your own sake and the sake of those lovely girls.  Show them that a woman can take care of herself without a man to do the hard stuff.  Show them what it means to enter into a relationship as a whole person, who wants a partner, but who doesn't need one.  You can still date this man.  Heck, stay engaged to him if you must.  But you are on a path to destruction, and I am thinking that your parents can see it clear as day. 

I met my now DH 4 months after I separated- and 3 months before the divorce.  We dated for 7 years, without living together, before we got married.  You don't have to take that long, but you are moving WAY fast. What's your rush? ~Donna

blush64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_tell-parents-arent-supportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:2f32a9e2-cf9e-4600-96ea-1ec4e23e646bPost:1cacbe41-bead-4e52-8e87-349a0091ea23">How to tell Parents who aren't supportive?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I am now officially engaged as of Saturday night!  :)  So, I get to officially join you ladies and I'm sure I'll have questions. First question...I haven't yet told my parents we are now engaged and not sure how to tell them, yet feel like I need to before someone who does know posts it on Facebook! For a little backstory, FI and I were once engaged about 9 1/2 years ago and we had a mutual break up.  We were too young (he was 21 and I was only 19) and were just on different paths in our lives.  A few months ago, (only a few days after I'd left my XH), we ran into each other at a local hangout.  We did move faster than 'normal' and had moved in within a few weeks and life has been great.  My girls love him and are absolutely thriving now that we are in a stable home and they see a healthy relationship on a daily basis. The problem is my parents have been very unsupportive.  They still see FI as the guy he was 9 years ago and not the wonderful, loving man he is today.  They live in TX and we live in IA so they haven't even been up to visit since he and I got back together. Anyway, if you want more details let me know but mainly, my question is when and how do I tell them, especially since I'm not expecting the greatest reaction?
Posted by CowboysWife04[/QUOTE]

I don't know you but I will give you my opinion. Please don't be offended but I will be perfectly honest.

I think it was a mistake to move in so fast when you have children. Even though you knew him many years ago you didn't know him well when you moved in together. What happens if he does turn out to be the same sort of guy or worse? It hasn't been enoug time to really determine that and if you were alone I guess it wouldn't matter as much. With kids I think you have to move way slower.

All that being said the answer to your question, just go to their home and let them know you love him and will be getting married. Simple. Their reaction is whatever it is and I don't think the way you tell them will make much of a difference.

If you are secure in your decision then prepare yourself to hear what they will probably say and try to be happy anyway.


EDIT: I agree with PP who said to move out. You need to live on your own, heal on your own and be sure this isn't a rebound. You need to know this man inside out before you let him live with you and your children.

I am engaged but we dated years before getting engaged and he still doesn't live with me. (he will after the wedding) IT's hard to slow down sometimes but it's worth it.

lindaloulubbock

Ditto the above posters.  You don't have to take 5+ years, but take some time. If this is the real thing and it's right, you'll survive and be stronger for it.

I met my FI two months after my separation.  We dated for 6 months before he met my children.  We spent 6 months spending time together as a family before we lived together.  We lived together for nearly 6 months before we got enagaged, and we'll be engaged about 6 months (we didn't have some kind of 6 month rule, lol, that's just how it worked out!).  I feel like that time frame was pretty fast, but I needed the 1 year of time living on my own to find my way forward-confidently and securely.  And I think my children (who are also pretty young) needed that time, too.  I loved my FI dearly and I knew so quickly that I wanted to spend my life with him, but I don't think our relationship would be nearly as strong if we had moved even faster.  In just a couple of months, you haven't had time to negotiate the way you handle one another's families, you haven't had time to have a first disagreement, you haven't had time to see how he'll handle a bad week at work or a slight by a friend or financial strife.  You need time, both for you to heal as a person and for the two of you as a couple to really learn about one another in your present form.

If you do go forward, you need to know that you're going to get a lot of flack, not just from your parents but from friends and other people in your lives.  You need to be prepared for that.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_tell-parents-arent-supportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:2f32a9e2-cf9e-4600-96ea-1ec4e23e646bPost:f4929656-a76e-4154-9e23-67dfec9f2d37">Re: How to tell Parents who aren't supportive?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto the above posters.  ...  You need time, both for you to heal as a person and for the two of you as a couple to really learn about one another in your present form. <strong><font color="#000080">If you do go forward, you need to know that you're going to get a lot of flack, not just from your parents but from friends and other people in your lives.</font></strong>  You need to be prepared for that.
Posted by lindaloulubbock[/QUOTE]

Agree.  100%.  So, in answer to your OP, plan a road trip this summer to see your parents and tell them in person, with your fiance in tow.  Leave it up to them to interact and re-form impressions.  I wish you the best.  Good luck!

thealphabride

Darling, I don't know how long you were married, but falling into another man's arms within months of separation is WRONG for you, and especially for your children.

You have not had time to heal from your broken marriage. It is way to soon to get involved with another man. You should NEVER consider marrying someone unless you have known  them for a full year. Obviously you already know he's not the same man as 9 years ago, BUT you are in the infatuation stage of your relationship. This could turn bad, then you will uproot your children AGAIN .... not a good idea.
 
I get why your parents aren't supportive. If you were my sister or my friend or my daughter and you asked for my support, I couldn't give it in this situation.
 
I know, it happened to me. I moved in with my first husband after only knowing him for a few months, if that. I ended up pregnant, married him, he turned out to be an unmedicated bipolar with anger issues. I divorced when my son was 2. That was 13 years ago and after a string of bad decision on men.

I had lived alone for the entirety of my life from age 19 until age 38 when I married him, so I could already stand alone and take care of myself....I stayed alone for a full year after we split , found out why I was making such bad decisions.

Finally I figured it out and met my now husband and dated him a full 6 years before marriage. Now that is a long time, obviously you don't have to take that long. We never lived together.

We waited till our kids grew up a bit, so their lives could be stable without having to blend our family when they were young, that's called sacrificing for the good of your children who didn't ask for any of this......

Take a year to get to know yourself and evaluate why the marriage didn't work (YOUR PART IN IT) so you don't make the same mistake again.

Take your time to get to know him and for God's sake learn to stand on your own 2 feet !!!! Live alone. Support you and your own children.  Find yourself.

He may not be the man YOU DESERVE but you don't know that because you've only known him for a few months.

Good luck, I wish you the best..

MikesAngie

I understand how the rebound works and how awesome it is to reconnect with a man that you were engaged to before...but you also have two little ones to consider and they didn't see mommy being her own woman...

I met my hubby back when we were 15, and we dated for 3 months then became best friends until we were 21 when he proposed the first time and I had to say no.  We reunited in April  2009 after almost 24 years, did the long distance relationship for 4 months and when it was so painful to separate at the airport that flights were almost missed I agreed to move in. I do not have children and his daughter was away on a student exchange.

We lived together for 20 months before our wedding; 8 months before we were engaged and 12 months as an engaged couple.  His daughter returned home three months after I moved in.  We had a lot of interesting dynamics to work through and we did it.

When we first started out my friends were skeptical about our relationship and needed to see us together before they would really support it - because they were afraid that we were rebounding. 

Here's the big difference between our relationship and yours - my hubby's marriage was "dead" for more than 10 years when she left him (he was sticking it out because she has health issues and no living family).  My marriage was over for a good solid 5 years when I left, my XH had cheated and was abusive.  My new hubby and I had begun working on ourselves long before the ink had dried on our divorces and were well on our way to knowing who we were/are and what we needed and wanted before we got together and we didn't rush.

Slow down smell the roses and the coffee give yourselves some time, interact with family and friends and then come back to the "get married" thing... If what you have is genuine it will still be there regardless of when you get married.

Your parents are scared to death right now that you are rushing things, and they are worried for the security of their granddaughters... Divorce is tough on little ones because it's confusing, and you don't want to drag them through that again I hope.  Perhaps taking a family trip to see them and let them see you, your FI and girls together as a family unit may soften them up... if so then tell them.

TLDR: Slow down stretch out your engagement - be together for more than a year...

p2pca

I am just going to say.. if you think its the right relationship for you, then it is.  

Regardless if others think its a rebound relationship or a genuine we should have kept this going years ago, only the 2 of you truly know.

I would say this, your an adult, you have your own children, if your girls are happy with your new Fi, and you are happy with your new relationship everyone will eventually figure that out too.   

If you don't think they will be supportive have a longer engagement and then they will catch on, invite them around more often so they can see the two of you interact as a family together. 

Tell them straight up, be as excited as you want to be.  

Its your life, your happiness, your girls happiness.. if all of those are in place.. then it is.  eventually your parents will get that.   Don't avoid your parents, or hide your happiness as if you have no right to be happy being recently separated.