His Second Time, My First

llsst31

Hello Ladies (and Gentlemen....),

My fiancee and I just got engaged a few weeks ago.  This will be my first marriage, but his second.  He wants a destination wedding with just the 2 of us, but I want it all - the whole thing, including wedding, reception, guests, favors, dress, etc.  We are both certain that this is forever - so of course I want it the way I always planned it to be.  He had a big wedding the first time.  I'm not really sure of his reason for wanting just us.  We talk about it, he says things, but when I ask the really tough questions he just says "do whatever you want and tell me when and where to be there."  I want to enter our new life as a pair, not me dragging him along.....feeling like we're in agreement is important to me.  He's made comments like he expected it all to change to what I want, and he seems OK with it, but as soon as we start moving on details, it is back to, "don't you want a destination wedding". 

I don't know where to go with this.  We haven't found a compromise yet.  Am I right to think that I should have what I want, since this is his second time around?  Am I being selfish?  Should we not move forward (to the point of not getting married) if we can't agree?  Is this a common issue?  Not being able to decide delays any progress forward, and neither of us wants a long engagement.  I am nearly positive I will regret not having the whole she-bang.  That is the only thing I know I've always wanted. 

Looking forward to your comments, whatever they may be. 

mybooboos

Congratulations on your engagement and welcome to the boards!!

Many of us went through that same discussion, as you'll find others on this board who it's their first marriage, or his first marriage or a first "wedding'.  I didn't not have a wedding with my first marriage, so my 2nd time around, I did want more celebration with more people.

Even though this is his 2nd marriage, it's his first marriage to you.  You two need to discuss what you both will really be comfortable with, that you can both afford. Maybe his concern is the financing of the wedding - but you need to let him know that this is becoming  a concern for you, and you need to work it out.  Maybe you compromise, and have the wedding you want, in a destination location.  You may not get a turnout of 200 people, but you may have 50-60 ppl there that love and support you, and you get your wedding, and he gets his destination. 

Sounds like you need to both talk on this a bit more, to find out his hesitation with a wedding, and come to a mutual decision. That's what marriage is all about!

Either way, this is a great group of women that can help you navigate the process.

Good luck

MikesAngie

Congratulations and welcome to the board!!

I wasn't one of those girls that dream of their wedding as a child or even a teen - so that is totally lost on me.  However I will say this; marriage is compromise and communication.

First discuss your budget and let that be your guide as to wedding size.  Also really listen to your FI and understand that this is his wedding too.  We know what your dream is - what's his?  Maybe he wants to take you some where exotic and romantic and say vows with you that would raise "Aunt Sally's" eyebrows; that would mean something way more to you both than the typical "do you" and "will you".  You need to find out what his dream ceremony is and if you can yield or find an equitable compromise.  How about a destination wedding with a big home reception? Or something small and romantic with those important to you both in attendance?

Sue-n-Kevin

Congrats & welcome!

This is also my first marriage (fiance's 3rd). I've always wanted an elegant wedding, and we are having one. Several times early in the process he'd mention "beanies and weenies" in the backyard, but he knew this was important to me. As our plans went on, he saw how organized and DIY-ambitious, as well as budget-minded I've been. He's pitched in financially, and it's about 50-50 moneywise.

Talk it through. If you can compromise on things like guest list, keeping the cost down, but having the wedding you want, he may agree it's OK. But you HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT so he knows how important this is to you, because it IS your first, and you want something more formal, but you are willing to keep the costs down so it's not overwhelming and putting your future into financial and emotional debt.

THE most important thing to do is figure out the budget first, as Angie said.

Good luck. Looking forward to hearing about your plans.

Lizdc

I am in the same boat. He was married before and is divorced. He is also the guy I was engaged too when we were young (add too it that we eloped in Dec so this is tech a vowel renewal).

So far he is fairly engaged but not super active in the process. He would be that way even if it wasn't his second wedding since he is that way.

But any thoughts on how to strike that balance would help.

I have seen it from the other side. I was the maid of honor in my oldest friends first and second weddings. Her new husband had never been married before so it was is first wedding. I personally loved her second wedding more than her first. Her first was a bit over the top for me. Her second was elagant and tasteful but still a lovely wedding. I think it is different with her being the bride since she did the planning for both weddings.