NWR - Confessions of a Step-Mom

MikesAngie

Okay I'm probably meaner than a biological mom - although I'm really not sure... I was raised so strictly by my dad that I have nothing really to compare to...

So today my lovely future step-daughter comes clean about the amount of reading she has to complete by this Friday, mind you the book was assigned last week and this is an AP class... She's behind and she had been telling me all along that she had no homework.  This is from the kid that gets straight "A's", but for whatever reason (the wedding, turning 18 soon, and being a senior in high school) she has decided in the past week to blow off homework, not turn in an assignment, and not report to a class... WTH?  So we had a frank discussion about it (granted I am stricter than her dad), but this stuff needs to stop.  She got the unexcused absence taken care of, she will talk to the teacher about the notes she was to have turned in and well she has a butt load of reading and annotating to accomplish by Friday morning or she looses privileges.

Am I just evil or what?  I love that litttle monster as though she were my own but I will not tolerate her being "forgetgful" (her word) about school work... Not when she would like my help with college tuition.

rapunnzzll

It's a tough call.  You could take away her priviledges or face the consequences as retread suggests.  Good luck.  BTW, there is a difference between mean and strict.  I'm sure you aren't mean.

Lisa50

You are not evil.  She has a typical case of senior-i-tis.  I'm dealing with it here, too.  Hang in there, Angie!  Focus on the wedding. 

She'll remember the value of those straight As before the end of the quarter ... or not.  Either way, its her high school experience.  You may want to just step back and let her create her own success, in her own way.

Now ... How many days until the wedding?? 

christy29322

When you figure out how to handle it let me know! My daughter is a junior & she's been slacking off - especially in AP History. She says she has no homework, spends half the evening playing video games, takes a nap til 10, gets up to take a shower...then says she has history assignments to work on.
At least she hasn't skipped any classes yet.
Being her biological mother doesn't make it any easier to know what to do! Hang in there!
Edit to remove TMI that my daughter would kill me for posting online!

MikesAngie

Lisa - 4 Days... My FMIL will be here today and I need to get the house picked up.  I also still have that seating chart and such to finish (start)... I also need to unpack all of my silk flowers and let them open up and such... so plenty to do.

That is why this week isn't the week for my child to decide that acting out is a good idea...

Retread, if the child doesn't graduate on time my FI's xW will stop child support but will continue to receive spousal support until she passes away.  The daughter is an exceptional student, but that was the stipulation that the xW wanted in the divorce decree before she would sign it. So yes I am being extra careful about the child graduating on time.  That is why her tutoring job is on the line if she doesn't shape up.

AbbeyS2011

Hang in there Angie - you have a very full plate this week! 

Maybe with the wedding and all she decided to lax a bit.

2dBride

Honestly, I'd say to back off.  A friend and I had sons who were both graduating from high school around the same time, and both of them had a tendency to "forget" their homework.  My friend basically stood over her son every day and made him do his homework.  He ended up with good grades and got into a good college (Oberlin)--from which he flunked out after the first semester, since his mother was no longer there to stand over him.

We basically told our son that there were consequences to failing to turn in homework, but then left him alone to do or not do his homework.  He had to repeat several classes, and had low grades in high school.  We therefore told him we were not paying for college until he demonstrated he was capable of it.  He got a job after high school and worked for about a year, until he was laid off.  The following semester, he went part-time to the local community college, and got straight As.  The semester after that, he went full-time to the community college, and again got straight As.  He elected to take classes during the summer session so that he would be able to transfer elsewhere as a sophomore.  He got into Rochester Institute of Technology, where he got straight As except for two Bs for his entire college career.

Your stepdaughter is obviously doing way better than either of those boys.  However, she has reached an age at which she will shortly be responsible for her own learning.  It is much better for her to screw up now and learn from it, than to learn to depend on your prodding now.

Sue-n-Kevin

Aaah, so many stories. I love being a part of this board!

My oldest, my son, is graduating from GWU in DC in May. He's had straight A's or A- s all throughout his school years. With AP classes. Full ride for 4 years of college, will be in debt after grad school ($80K), and can't find a job. NEVER had to nag him about school work, he has the uncanny ability to write a 10 page paper (after thinking it over in his head for a week) in a day.

My daughter (the wonderful age of 17, like your step Angie), is bright, not brilliant. She gets anything from an A to a C depending on what the subject is. BUT, she is compassionate and sweet, everyone tells me she is the nicest girl they know. Even her peers, LOL.

I've raised both of them to be personally responsible.........I have NOT been a "helicopter Mom", hovering over them..... at least not since they were about 10 or 11. They've both received the lectures about how high school matters for college, etc. They both also knew/know that there is no way in hell anyone can afford their college tuition. I can help, maybe with books, but that's about it.

In a nutshell, I think you have shown the right amount of discipline AND restraint. This is probably one of the busiest weeks of your life, and it's possible she's feeling a bit left out, but also wants to "chillax" this week, as this is possibly a pretty emotional time for her with her dad marrying you. I think teens (girls especially) tend to allow their emotions to rule everything, including school work and self discipline. If she's a straight A student, I would not see this as a harbinger of slacking off the rest of her senior year.......it's probably more emotional on her part.

Now, go plan a seating chart, or whatever!

[Deleted User]

Angie can I ask if you have been part of SD's life for a long time? When I was that age I didn't see my SD as a monster for giving me proper discipline, other then normal teenage angst, but my SM who i'd only know for about 3 years I resented very much. If you've raised this girl up then your just doing what any BM would do for her.

MikesAngie

Jelubchenkoklev -  her bio-mom was an alcoholic and basically abandoned her - so the guidence I have given is welcomed by my DSD and she doesn't view my treatment of her as mean or too strict.  I do get the teenager push back now and again.

As far as prodding her to do her homework, she gets lax from time to time and just needs to be reminded. She really does not remember things which is why she has a day-timer with a calendar and a notes section in it and she uses it.

[Deleted User]

Then i'd say your doing the right thing by her. She's lucky to have a SM who truly has her best interests at heart. I wish my SM gave two shits about me. Keep doing what your doing, she'll push but as she gets older she'll appreciate what you did for her. I know because I finally became old enough this year to appreciate my mom. Good luck.