Second Weddings

NWR: Nervous...

Ok i just need a moment here. So last summer, the mother of my teen son's best friend went into hospice, and she had no other family (or so we thought) so we took him in. long story short - i got custody of him, she passed away, and we all now regard him as one of our own.

fast forward to now. i've since learned he has a grandfather who didn't know about him. the man had disowned his daughter (the teen's mother) decades ago. I'm meeting him today in about an hour.

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm usually a very positive person, but my mind is just racing with all the bad things that could happen. *insert scream of panic here*

 

Re: NWR: Nervous...

  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Okay what is the worst that you fear?  Perhaps this gentleman will try asserting some familial rights to the boy? 

    Now this is something I have to tell myself all of the time:  relax, breathe, and try not to imagine the worst.  Okay?
  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I really hope this goes as well as it can for all of you.  With any luck, he'll want to become a part of the boy's life and get to know him, without it becoming a dramatic ordeal on anyone. 

    I'd also like to say what a wonderful thing I think it is that you did for this boy.  I'm sure his Mother appreciated knowing he would be cared for and loved more than you'll ever know. 
    10-10-10
  • edited December 2011
    Sending you "an additional family member for this boy" vibes.  Maybe you will ALL have a new family member.  It must be emotionally upheaving for your family, but also for him.  ~Donna
  • AdelphiTNAdelphiTN member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    i'm back! thanks for the pep talks, i needed someone to tell me to breathe! My worst fear was either that they would try to take him, or that they would reject him.

    And yes it did indeed turn out fairly well. they filled me in on the sordid past and previous family disfunction. i knew it was bad, but yikes... it is almost certainly a good thing that this child was estranged from this family.

    Gramps does appear to have his life straightened out now, was brutally honest about his past mistakes, and he wants to be a benign part of my new kid''s life. I think these are all good things. I think. still processing all that i learned.

    Thanks for all the kind words. It is really nice to have such supportive people to freak out in front of. :)

  • edited December 2011
    So now that its over - I have to say how touched I am by the story of your family becoming his family.  This is a kid who was just a friend - and you guys have done an amazing, generous and loving thing to welcome him.  Even more so now that you've heard what his life potentially could have been. 

    As far as his g-father being in his life, I think there is value for a kid to have a thread to "where I came from".  Its a very hard place to be to have no one who can tell you about your roots (even if they were tangled), about your bloodline, and who can look at your newborn baby and say- "OH my, she looks just like your mother did when she was a baby"  or "he has the williams' chin".  Even if he is a sometimes visitor- the solid ground is provided by you all, and he is just a connection.  Glad it was ok.  ~Donna
  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Glad it worked out for everyone!
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm a bit late here, but concur with everyone else: what you did for the "best friend of your son" is so generous and unbelievable. You must be a very caring person, and you've set a fine example for YOUR kids of what the word "compassion" and "family" mean.

    My son's dad has only seen him once in his life, and my son is 23 years old. I recently sent his dad a letter to update him on his "son's" current successes in life. I'm sure, like all the other times, we'll never hear a word. If anything ever happened to me, I doubt my son would ever consider turning to his biological father for anything, but I do feel badly for his dad's family. They have a brilliant grandson/nephew who they will never know. The saddest part is that my son is this man's ONLY child......... he and his wife never had any children.

    So, glad that your new son's grandpa has come forward, and hopefully they build some sort of relationship, even if it is simply knowing each other exists.
  • AdelphiTNAdelphiTN member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone. I'm really not a saint or anything, it was just the right thing to do. He's a good kid.

    I agree that it's important for him to have that sense of connection to your roots. I will do all I can to foster their relationship.

    I am still worried though... i learned a great deal of disturbing stuff. On the one hand, they are all so dysfunctional that i have to be GLAD that my new kid was estranged from them and led a different life.

    But on the other hand, his family was extremely rich.. and p*ssed it all away. all of them. every last one of them is broke now. and here is this kid who grew up in absolute poverty... was homeless for a while, was on fee waiver at school his whole life. Had almost nothing to move into our home when he joined us. Just tragic. i can't imagine what his response will be when he meets his grandfather and learns that he once had MILLIONS and SPENT it all.  I'm not exaggerating. i personally am outraged.
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
     Wow, you are a loving and compassionate person to love a child as your own.  To be protective, and care as deeply as you do about him says a lot about how you feel as a Mom.   Kudos to you.  His monetary situation may have been poor at best, but he was loved - money can't buy love it can buy things but not genuine love.

    I can totally understand how you could be very irked with the grandfather for being frivolous while his grandson lived in poverty.  I would be. But your new son has you, and your family to care for him  and you can be the buffer between his grandfather and him should he need.

    I'm glad the meeting went well and that the grandfather doesn't want to disrupt your life by either taking your new son away or disowning him.  I hope that they can build a relationship that is respectful, and of course you will be overseeing that.

    Thank you for sharing... And showing us that there are still compassionate people in the world who do the right thing.
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