Mother stuck in the past

femalegamer

I'm 36 and getting married for the second time. My mother has been driving me crazy, though not through dictating most things.  She just seems stuck in a time when second weddings (for the bride - she doesn't care that my fiance hasn't been married before) were small, discreet things.

I'm not having a huge wedding.  We have 100 invites, and we expect a good deal of people from out of town to skip things, but we want to share our happiness with our friends and family, no matter where they live.

So, that's the crux of what she's done now - my mom insists that for her side of the family, I should only inviter her and my brother.  My parents are divorced, and I'm planning on sending invites to my aunt and uncles, my close cousins, my step-siblings and at the request of my stepmom, her brothers and mother on my dad's side.  The fiance is sending a similiar set to his family, and since his parents live in the same town, they even have three or four family friends to invite.

My mom threatened to not come if I invite my uncle, an uncle she sees every week at church, one that I grew up camping with him and his family.  Of course, part of that might be that they've also been less than close after some arguments in the wake of my grandparents passing on.  Sigh.  She won't let me send an invite to my last great-aunt, who almost certainly wouldn't be able to come, because then she would "feel she had to send a gift and she gave you a gift last time".

My mom's attitudes have been apparant since the beginning of planning - she didn't sound excited at all when I told her on the phone, she was surprised I was buying a wedding dress, and the first thing that seemed to perk up her interest was shopping for her own dress.

To cap things off, she told me that she's sending me money.  I imagine I really should just not cash it or send it back, but I really, really don't know what to do about the guest list.  Everyone tells me to invite who I want, but I'm deeply concerned that she'll cause a scene, and even worrying about it isn't something I want to have to do on my wedding day.

Maybe I'm not even looking for advice, maybe I just needed to get it off my chest to other people who might have similiar issues.

MikesAngie

Invite who you would like in attendance, and simply tell your mom that she's an honored guest this time so please behave as such.  We she starts trying to tell you what to do, you can tell her you will give it the consideration it deserves and move on. 

I didn't share all of my plans with my mom partly because she lives in another state and another was because she wasn't paying for the wedding. We made a lot of decisions and plans with little influence at all.  The only, only influence my mom had was my veil.  Yes, the horror I wore a veil at my mom's insistance.  Every time we talked and the wedding came up she would ask if I had found my veil yet - so I ordered a single layer elbow length mantilla style (non-gathered) veil. It was just slightly over $30.00 and my mom beamed when she saw me.  It was a nice add and I only wore it for the ceremony. 

jennylee813

What Retread said.

She's not paying - you're a grown up. Plan the wedding that you and your FI want. If she makes a scene, she'll look like a moron, not you.

It's perfectly fine to want to celebrate your special day with family and friends.

(My mother isn't excited about my wedding either. She hasn't even congratulated me, but I'm not letting it bother me. If she can't have a good time there, it'll be her loss, not mine. At the end of the day we'll be married, and that's all that matters!)

Good luck!

Fishing Quilter

Sigh.  Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.  And it sounds as if this isn't a battle you want to have with your mom (actually, I don't think anyone would want to have it).  I'd recommend that you invite whomever you feel you want to share your happiness with.  And then select a day when you and mom can get together, perhaps over tea and sandwiches (is there a nice restaurant in town you can take her to?).  While you're there, start a dialog with mom and mention to her that you understand how she feels, that in her day second weddings were quiet, small affairs.  But times have changed, and you want to share the happiness you feel with more than just a handful of people and it would be nice if mom could get on board with the changing of the times.  Tell her you will understand if she has difficulty with your decision but, after all, it is YOUR wedding (not hers) and you intend to proceed in a tasteful and contemporary fashion. 

That being said, do your best to remind her that you love her, she raised you well, you understand how important her traditions are and they are important to you, too.  But you do need to change with the times, and since this is your fiancee's first wedding, he deserves to enjoy sharing his happiness with a little larger crowd.  And then drop it, enjoy your luncheon, and move on.  If mom isn't paying for the wedding, you don't need to share so many details with her in the future, either.  When she asks, just smile and tell her it's "all under control".

Have a wonderful wedding and best of luck!