Second Weddings
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Feeling like nobody cares...

This is my first post on this board, but I'm feeling a little cruddy about my wedding at the moment. This is my second marriage but it's actually my first WEDDING. My first marriage was a run to the courthouse when I was 18, and we had a lame little party in the park that nobody cared enough to come to.

This time around, I wanted to have a nice wedding with all of me and FI's friends and family in attendance, which has come to about 50-60 people. It's not going to be an expensive thing, we originally budgeted for $5000 but had to knock it down to like $2500-$3000, all out of our own pockets. The thing that gets me though, is that everyone seems to think that because it's my second marriage, that I don't deserve to have any of it. Well, everyone except FI, this is his first marriage and he wants it to be the last, so he wants to have a lovely wedding as well.

I have people who offer to help with things, like making STDs or invites, picking out my wedding dress, making flower arrangements, etc. which I appreciate. But then I keep getting the sentiment from all of them that "oh, well you don't need XYZ because this isnt' your first marriage". Like, "Oh, who cares that you love that wedding dress for $500, this isn't your first marriage so you should just buy something off the discount rack for $100. Or don't even have a white dress at all." Or "Oh, who cares if the flowers don't look great, it's not your first marriage so it doesn't matter." FI's mom even suggested we just not even invite anyone except her and his stepdad, and his grandparents, and just get married in a pastor's office, because "She's already been married so it doesn't matter." But it DOES matter to me, because I never got those things in the first place! My family wasn't even there at the courthouse when I got married the first time, something that has always upset me.

Does anyone else get this feeling sometimes, like just because you've been married once, that it's wrong for you to even want a wedding this time around?

Re: Feeling like nobody cares...

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    Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011

    My mom was happy we were getting married, but when the planning started to take place, she was kinda the way your family is......."WHY are you spending so much money?"  And the rest of that question is......"on a second marriage?"

    It's okay, let them think what they want.  No one is as invested in this as you and your fiance.  Maybe the closer the wedding is, the more interested/excited those close to you will be.

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    fireytigerfireytiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, it might even be one thing if we were spending a LOT of money, but we're really not. Most people are pretty shocked when I tell them we're only spending like $2500. But it just upsets me because the people who are saying this are also the ones who have offered to help with things, and then I find out after everything is already in motion with whatever they're helping with, that they "don't really care if it turns out great because it's not my first marriage so it doesn't matter".

    I talked to a few people today after I posted this and it made me feel better, actually several people are excited about it because they missed out on the first marriage. (many didn't even get to MEET my ex husband before I divorced him for abusing me), but some people are still being ridiculous. Why even offer to help on something if you don't think it's worth putting the effort into? Why try to sabotage my wedding like that, just because you don't like that it's my second marriage? But because we've got such a small budget we are by necessity having to take people up on their offers to help, so it's not as simple as just saying "thanks but no thanks" with some things... ugh.
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    Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I guess then my advice would be to kepp yourself jazzed about the wedding, talk more with the people who actually seem excited for you and fiance.  Sometimes people just don't realize how negative they are and maybe they don't mean to be but they have no filter when they say things.
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    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry about that.  I have the same issues as well with some family members.  It's my second wedding, but my FI's first, and he wants to celebrate and have the party (but still keep it intimate).  So we are.  When my mom started to say things, I just kindly mentioned to her that we are paying for everything, and I haven't asked her for a thing, except to please be there.  Since then, she's been very supportive and has kept her mouth shut.  I even bought myself a nice big dress!!!!!!  LOL!  It's about what the two of you want, not what others think.  I'm sorry you are going through this, and I'm sure it will get better.  Just enjoy the love you and your FI share, and focus on what is ahead of you both.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_feeling-like-nobody-cares?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:4c0cac3b-2ae1-4d16-b5bf-736d22e7f03bPost:af35a023-28e7-43ba-987d-3f94d453bb86">Re: Feeling like nobody cares...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Weddings and funerals bring out the assshole in so many people.  Screw em.  Have what you ant and enjoy it to the fullest!  Only talk about your plans with those that are excited for you. 
    Posted by Dot Dash[/QUOTE]

    THIS!

    Hang in there!
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    edited December 2011
    DO WHAT MAKES YOUR HEART(S) SING.

    Pay no attention to those people who say, "You're not having a (fill in the blank) ARE YOU?" 
    Answer them with the icy stare of death. 
    Answer them with, "of course I'm wearing a wedding dress, having a wedding reception, a wedding cake, sending wedding invitations, etc...it IS a wedding."  Then look at them like they have asked the most idiotic question you have EVER heard in your life.
    And if its someone close to you who you WANT to get personal with, you can, if you choose, add, "When people act as if I should wear sackcloth and ashes and hide in the basement because I have been married before, instead of shouting my joy at finding this wonderful, amazing man to be HAPPY with, it is hurtful.   I know you wouldn't ever want to hurt me, so I hope you understand."  ~Donna
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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Right1 is right...  DO WHAT MAKES  YOUR FI AND  YOUR HEARTS SING!!!

    This is your and your FI's first marriage to each other and it should be no less celebrated just because it's not your first. 

    If a vendor is out of line leave you don't have to purchase anything from them.  If it's family do exactly what Right1 said.  And then put on your happy face and stay excited - it's your parade don't let them rain on it.

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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's too bad you feel as if nobody cares.  Please, please just plan your festivities with your FI. Leave everyone else out of the loop.  Who cares what they say??  And, honestly, if I had to deal with that kind of crap (second guessing my choices of whatever) from someone during the planning process, that person would be off the guest list!  Period.  This is our wedding. 

    Last night, my cousins, close friends, FI and I celebrated my birthday at home -- great party.  Over and over again, ppl kept asking about the wedding with nothing but excitement and support.  Friends are psyched, family too!  My wish for you is that you experience this kind of love and support as you move forward in planning your wedding.  Good luck!
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    edited December 2011
    You deserve to have wahtever kind of wedding YOU want!!  It shouldn't matter one bit if this is your second or first marriage!!  This is your first wedding and you absolutely deserve to have whatever makes you happy.  Don't listen to those who are downplaying this.  Have it your way!  It may not be your first, but it's your LAST wedding so whoop it up!Laughing
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    edited December 2011
    Oh, and BTW, I'm spending more on this wedding than I did on my first!  And, I'm also wearing an ivory wedding dress.  (I would wear white but ivory is more flattering to my skin tone.  I wore ivory to my first wedding too).
    There are no rules for weddings these days.  Do what you want, dang it! Tongue out
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    edited December 2011
    THIS IS YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE TO HIM!!! Make sure you tell people that too.

    I will preface this by saying that I'm GREEK. Everyone in my family had an opinion that they weren't afraid to share. argh! 

    I had the raised eyebrows too. People concerned about the money etc. (we paid for it all) The worst was "you really want to do this at your age?" Ha. Didn't even answer that one, just gave the icy stare of death and walked away. I was 53 when I married my prince.

    I just remimded them, they all had their big weddings and I was in all of them and did whatever was asked of me without question. Why should it be different for me just because it 's 20 years later????? I wanted only my 2 sisters as bridesmaids and they stated from the beginning I had better not choose an expensive dress for them and shoes etc. I told them to choose their own dresses in their price range, wear what ever shoes, jewelry and hairstyle they want. And they could even choose a different dress from each other or choose a dress they already owned.
    In the end they chose a beautiful dress from Davids bridal, it looked gorgeous on both, it was the same gown, and my younger sister chose it and the older sister we texted a pic and she said ok. It was 120 bucks. They each wore their own shoes jewelry and hairstyle. They both loved the whole wedding, everything I chose.

    My first marriage was in the courthouse as well. I divorced after 2 years because of physical abuse. Stayed single, worked on ME, raised my son, and finally met the man of my dreams 5 years later. After 6 years of dating we married. 

     My second wedding was  a beautiful outdoor wedding with a full reception, dinner, cocktails, dancing, cake, wedding gown, attendants, beautiful florals, the whole nine yards.... Many many guests told me how beautiful, classy and appropriate it was for us.

    In the end EVERYONE came around and was really excited. You do have to remember that no one cares as much about your wedding as you do. I tried not to bring it up as topic of conversation unless someone asked. I planned the whole thing by myself. My sisters helped a bit, but I hired a DOC and the family didn't have to do anything at all except show up.

    The only person who was fully on board with my wedding from the very beginning was my 78 year old MOTHER!!! Check out a few posts down, I posted some pics of our wedding.... hope it inspires you. GOOD LUCK!
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    fireytigerfireytiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone, you all made me feel much better. :) I've already been stressed out about money and everything, and with everyone giving us crap about every little thing... it just started really taking a toll. I'm trying not to let it get to me, and remind myself that it's OUR wedding day. I've finally found my prince, something I had started to convince myself was just a fairy tale, not something that happened in real life. I've never been so happy to be proven wrong. :)
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    MuddyInsigniaMuddyInsignia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hello, I wanted to provide some support from the other side of the aisle. This past year my mom got married. (Her 2nd marriage) and both her and her now husband were living in a retirement community.

    At first, we were all so happy that she was happy and that she was engaged and getting married again--but then she became so obsessed with her wedding and its planning that the woman we loved, my mom, disappeared.

    I could not call her and talk to her on the phone like I once did. I would get up to 5 (long) emails daily about wedding planning. If we ignored her and tried to address drama in our own lives, she would break into a crying fit about how we were not supporting her. She was in tears when her own 85 year old mother did not immediately offer to pay for the wedding.

    Although we were happy for her and happy she was getting married, we started to withdraw from the "wedding"-happiness side of it. In all honesty, we just wished she could have gotten married in a quiet little ceremony somewhere.

    It was hard for her to understand that we all loved and supported her and were happy to see her get married, but that we were not as interested in the wedding planning as she was.

    Every personality is different and this many not represent you at all. But please keep in mind sometimes people really do love you and are very happy for you, even if they are not manifesting it in the way you would want to see.
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    fireytigerfireytiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, I can assure you that that's not the case with me, not that i'm saying you were suggesting I was being like that. But if anything, usually wedding stuff gets brought up by OTHER people, not me. But it does upset me when people are being obstinate or obnoxious about it, because it does make me feel like they don't care.

    For example, my FMIL was just going on the other day about how we should invite some random friend of hers from two decades ago that she rarely talks to anymore, because this friend expressed some excitement at hearing that FI was getting married. She even said that this woman "deserved" an invitation, for reasons I can't fathom, considering it's a SMALL wedding guest list of close friends and family, not random people that FI can barely remember and hasn't seen in two decades. And of course the fact that we're the ones paying for it all. I told her that there were several close friends and family members (especially from my side) that had to be cut out, so if there were any additions at this point (which there won't be), it should be family. She then got mad and said that it's not as important for my family to be at the wedding because, again, i've already been married once. Never mind the fact that none of them were able to attend the first one, which she KNOWS.

    I just dislike how two faced people are being. They claim to be super supportive of our wedding, until a decision they don't like is made, and then it's all "well you don't get to do XYZ because you've been married before". It really hurts my feelings. I mean, who's going up there to get married? Who's paying for all of this? Me and my FI, that's who. So if we decide we want something I don't think it's wrong to do it, especially considering we've both gone out of our way to make sure our family and friends are not overly inconvenienced by any of our decisions.
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    MuddyInsigniaMuddyInsignia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmmm, well this may not be the healthiest recommendation, but sometimes just saying "thank you for feedback and interest, I will certainly keep that in mind," and then just go about your business can be a wonderful thing. In addition to my mom's drama last year, I now have similar problems with my wedding excessive unsolicited advice from multiple family members, but since I do not live close by, I am finding the best thing to do (for all our relationships) is to thank them politely and keep doing what I was doing. lol

    Congratulations on your engagement, we all know that in the end it is about you and your fiance. Feel free to take everyone else with a grain of salt and be confident with what is really important to the both of you
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    edited December 2011
    ive gotten the same response from people...3 or 4 people have actually asked me if im wearing a wedding dress...what the heck would i wear!? my fiances dad said there was no need to ask his brothers or sisters (my fiances aunts & uncles) because they had been to the 1st wedding! people are rude & hurtful..my own mother sucked the fun out of wedding dress shopping when she told me she thought i was going to get a dress, not a "gown"...ive developed some tough skin & have learned to keep things to myself with planning.  ive pondered many times just going & eloping, but weve already put deposits down & i really want a wedding...so i guess my advise is to tune it out, ignore & get your ice cold dead stare down  :) happy planning
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    divine_chaosdivine_chaos member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am sorry that you are going thru this during a time when you should be happy. We are finally get married after 13 years together AND its a second for us both. We have heard the whole spectrum " why bother now" to " does it really matter you have been married before". The answer is YES it does matter to us, we were married to others before but this is our first marriage and life connection, in our eyes our first wedding. We are able to look at things from our perspective and know that we are doing things that we want not things because of tradition or to make anyone else happy. Our ceremony is deeply spiritual to us-we are allowing people to watch, if they have negativity then we are ok with them not coming. The reception is a party to celebrate our new path together with people who wish us happiness. Once again just because they are family or a 'friend" does not mean they need to be there if they are not supportive. I have a wedding dress, we have a huge cake, we are going to dance with a DJ. All the details are just as important to us now and maybe more so because we understand what is important to us.
    Do what is in your heart and try to ignore the ones who are not behind you. The day belongs to you and your FI and you alone. Enjoy!
    Blesse Be!
    engagement ring-imageimageWedding Countdown Ticker
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    edited December 2011
    That is so rude of them. Poor baby. You go right ahead and have YOUR dream wedding. You have fun without them and send them damn pics to wish they were there.
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    fireytigerfireytiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, thankfully it's turned out that many people that were giving me some crap are backing off now. For awhile it seemed like most of my family weren't going to come to the wedding at all, but then they changed their minds, much to my great relief and happiness. Having my FAMILY there is what i've always really wanted at my wedding, I'm aware the rest is technically fluff. FI has started standing up for me too, with his mother. She kept pushing for us to add more of her friends, after the guest list is already finalized, and actually threw a huge tantrum about it the other day. But he stood his ground and refused to relent (not that we had a choice, we can't afford to add anyone else and the invitations are already done). So it feels better to know that FI won't let people walk all over me. :)
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