Second Weddings

Soon to be step-mom - just need to vent - really long sorry

I'm getting married Aug 7. Dealing with his ex in a pain in the butt. She does everything she can to turn the boys (5 and 9) against their father. He moved out of state and in with me over a year ago.
 
We live 3hrs from his children and he has visitation every other weekend. I have no clue what she actually tells her children but I know she thinks he moved to be with me. I can see where most might think that is true however it is not. He had lost his job in Dec. of 08 and was hardly able to put food on the table when he had a job. He searched solidly for 3 months and debated with the idea of moving because there were more job opportunities where I live. We were both torn about him moving away from his children, when we 1st started dating (long distance) he made it clear they were 1st in his life and I would be 2nd. I was fine with that because he never made me feel 2nd.

If he hadn't lost his job I would have moved there instead but life doesn't always work the way you want. I had a job and could do more for him here than anyone else could there. So he moved. Since then she tells him he abandoned his kids at least once every other week or so. He calls to talk to his children almost every other night and she used to answer every once in a while, now she doesn't. And if he doesn't answer when she calls... OMG the drama. The only time he gets to talk to his boys is during his visitation. She will however send text messages telling him his children are crying and why did he have to move, but she won't let him talk to them - "They don't need to hear your voice" is what she tells them. She also tells them that she can't wait till their old enough to decide they don't ever have to see their dad ever again.

I cannot imagine not wanting my children to have a relationship with a father who loves them.

Per court order they were supposed to have the 1 week of summer visitation figured out by April 15th so he can schedule days off - it's not. She talks about days and weeks but then always has to go look at her calendar. Ugh! (Both of us are very punctual people and like to know when he is going to have the children so we can schedule fun things to do with them. Which reminds me she is always trying to make plans on his visitation weekend. He only gets them 4 days a month - don't you think she could schedule around that?

Anyway - as I said earlier we are getting married Aug 7. specifically a boys visitation weekend. He is going to tell the boys Memorial Day weekend because he finally got his divorce in March and we wanted them to get use to the idea of us as a couple. I know that when he tells them he's going to tell her too and I'm sure I will get a barrage of texts on how I am not their mother and I will not raise them. I am going to tell her that no I am not their mother nor am I there to replace her in that role. All I want is to be good friends with them and be there for them if they need me to be.

I just have a sinking feeling she is going to do anything she can to keep them from the ceremony even though it is his weekend. We have come to the decision that we might both try and look for jobs in their area and move back again. IIf we can accomplish this goal with the economy the way it is, he is also going to go back to court and ask that he have them every other monday - sunday. I know she will flip but we feel that if we can we have to move for the kids. We want to be a bigger part of their lives than she is letting him be. I don't think that she is helping the "abandoned" feeling by not letting them talk to him but I guarantee she doesn't see it that way. She also told him the other day that she prays that I can't have kids because the world doesn't need anymore abandoned kids.

Y'all might disagree with me but he's doing his best and did what was best thing he could think to do at the time of the move. BTW they love coming to our house. Always happy to see him and always sad to leave. Something they never do with their mom.

Do you think she will ever grow up? She is almost 30 and acts so very childish most of the time.

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Re: Soon to be step-mom - just need to vent - really long sorry

  • RegencyRosesRegencyRoses member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think he should look into some serious custody re arranging... Offer to use a mediator which is loads cheaper then a lawyer if it works.   Fight now... don't wait... make them see he wants them.  If she continues to go against his rights... get the police involved...

    My mom and step dad had to do that  with his ex and my brothers.  Amazing how she straightened up with confronted with maybe going to jail.
  • edited December 2011
    Doubt she will ever grow up but it will be her lost.  All you and your FI can do is continue to be the positive influences you have been in their lives.  Children are very smart and eventually her attempts to poison them again their father will fail, as long as he remains in their life.

    I'm dealing with a similar situation my FI has 3 children and his ex is basically telling them that their father is getting a new family (I have a son) and will forget about them.  We are fortunate that we will be living about 5 min away and when we buy a home there will be rooms for all our kids.   
  • edited December 2011
    I know that when he tells them he's going to tell her too and I'm sure I will get a barrage of texts on how I am not their mother and I will not raise them. I am going to tell her that no I am not their mother nor am I there to replace her in that role. All I want is to be good friends with them and be there for them if they need me to be.
    Do not answer her texts other than to tell her to discuss it with your Fi.  This is not your job to get into with her. And you might want to reconsider the role of "good friend", you may need to be a step-mother.  A good friend will not provide discipline, and if you are going to be ever in charge of the children (your Fi has to drive to the store,  has a headache and needs to lie down, etc), you may need to tell them to knock something off, or stop fighting and apply discipline if they don't.  You don't want to corner yourself into a role that is too restrictive. 
  • LesPaulLesPaul member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can certainly sympathize, as DH's x is awful too.  My stepkids are older, but DH's x certainly has turned them against him with her outright lies and manipulation.  It is beyond frustrating at times, as he is between a rock and a hard place trying to please everlyone and try to do the right thing for everyone..
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  • edited December 2011
    hhmmm...im going to offer my honest opinion here....it might be very hard for your fi to get the custody he is looking for...(depending on what state you all live in) because most of the time they favor the kids and what they have grown accustomed to. so they have been living with the mom since the divorce it might be hard to show the kids are better off with dad...and if the kids are used to living with mom, the courts are very weary about changing the kids lives unless you have good cause.
    with that said....you need to write everything down. and when i say everything i mean evertthing...write down every time she doesnt answer the phone, every time she doesnt allow your FI to talk to his sons, write down any nastey text she sends you or dh, any nastey thing she claims on the phone about abaondomnent. mor eimportantly if she doesnt allow your FI to have his kids during his court ordered visits...he needs to take that to court and fight that...invole the police...she is in contempt and ill tell you right now...if she is in contempt...she could lose all custody of the kids if she continues to not follow what is ordered...they take kids away and place them in the other parents hands...if the parent has no probably cause for not allowing that parent to see their children on that court ordered date....the police if called will come and collect the kids and hand them to you all. Is that fair to the kids? no...probably not. but it might have to be done.
    will she grow up? doubt it. also...when or if he goes back and gets custody rearranged...also have him put in the agreement that the other parent is not to talk badley about the other parent in front of the kids, or put the kids in the middle of anything...that could save the kids from feeling abondaned from their dad....'
    my FI moved 4 hours away from his son...for the same reason...work. (he didnt know me at that point) but he managed to get his son one week of every month. of course he is 2 yrs old. it will chnage when he is in school...and at that point i dont know what will happen :( it scares me... bbecause i cant move...my ex husband is here in...and i cant up and move all 3 of his kids away from him...thats not fair. not to mention the life they knew etc. i could move tops 1 hour away...thats still 3 hours from his son. like you guys. its hard...we cant move. we dont have that option
    it makes me so mad...that a mother or a father wont let the other parent see their children because of pettyness....i wish i had it easier. i allow my ex to see his kids during his visits (obviously) but anytime he wants to call, or see the kids...as long as we arent busy or have things to do...on days that arent his...but my situation is slightly different then most...
    good luck
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  • AdelphiTNAdelphiTN member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you are in this situation. I will never in a million years understand a mother (your fi's ex) who is willing to tell her children such hateful, destructive things.

    My ex and i have three boys. i would never keep them from him. we sit together at kid-related events. if dad forgets a soccer game, i don't take the opportunity to say horrible things about him to the boys... i just say "something must have come up, because I know he wanted to come watch you."

    I with all the moms out there would hear the message. They are not getting revenge on their ex - they are hurting their own children. Even if dad is a total deadbeat, mom does not need to lower herself to point it out. The kids will eventually figure it out, and will be grateful that she has been a positive influence in their lives.

    Sorry - will get off my soap box now. :)
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your support! It often feels like we are quite alone in our situation but it truth I know we are not.

    There are days I wish that the courts would allow a role reversal for 1yr. I would like for the her to expierence what life would be like if she only got to see her children every other weekend for less than 48hrs each time. To be treated the same way she treats him. Unfortunately life doesn't work out that way and it will never happen.
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  • edited December 2011
    i understand,but my sistuation is that his x is talking bad about me. she is telling her daughter that i dont care about her and i cant diicapline her and all she has to do is leasten to her dad. that makes it tough. im around her alot and we have her all summer. i have four kids my self. all you can do is show them that you are the friend and they are number one in both of your lives. good luck and stay strong
  • edited December 2011
    Sheri4- I'm sorry that she is like that. My FI ex will probably do that to me as well. My FI had a talk with his kids about 6 months ago about listening to what I say and doing what I ask, he basically told them that it's like doing what their aunt and uncles say. But I make sure I ASK when I want them to do something and most of the time I don't have a problem. We have decided that if we were ever in a situation where they did something wrong and Dad was not home that the most I would do would be to have them go to their room (or anywhere away from the situation) and when their Dad got home we would discuss what happened but Dad would dole out the punishment.  That way they can't go tell their Mom that I punished them.

    It's important that they know I am not there to replace their mom. Though I'm sure she wouldn't mind if their dad dropped off the face of the earth as long as he still pays his child support.
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