More Guilt / Feeling like I can't be excited - semi-rant

jenjenaz

More of the same, I suppose. But i'm so conflicted about this whole wedding thing.  i sent a note off to my FMIL regarding dress length the other day and mentioned that i had put a gown on order.  she came back and asked why i didn't send her a picture!!  i guess the real reason is that i don't feel like i have the 'right' to be excited this time around.  none of my friends, most of whom were around for the first wedding, are excited or even asking me about it. 

and it's frustrating because i don't even really want the whole wedding thing, but he does, and as i start getting more into the planning i'm getting excited about some parts of it, but feel like there's no one to share it with. 

i talked to one of my best friends about 2 days after i got engaged and she didn't even ask about it.  and she hasn't even asked a single thing about it in the 2 or 3 weeks since then.  i don't want to go into the mode of 'all i talk about is wedding', but i'm hurt that she didn't even ask a single question.

how do you all deal with this???????

awayagain

Do they have issues with your FI?

MikesAngie

I was fortunate to have the support of my family and friends, I know that is not always the case.  Are any of your friends involved in any way with the wedding?  Sometimes that helps with getting them excited.

It sounds like your FMIL is excited about it and that's great!!  I shared things with my ladies and both moms via email since we all live so far apart and it was great to have them be excited for our special day!  Talk with those who are excited such as your FMIL.  Is your mom excited?

You have to remember friends especially those not directly involved have their own lives and your wedding is not foremost in their brains.

gosuzy

It's been really different for me the second tme too, although I'm very early in the planning process.

I am excited, but in a very low-key sort of way. I'm not the 23-year-old starry-eyed bride that I was the first time around. I've been through a long marriage with some ups and a lot of downs, and a painful divorce, and I'm much more of a realist now. Marriage and weddings are hard work, although they can be incredibly rewarding too!

My mother is not excited at all - she still misses my ex and has reservations about me remarrying. My dad is more supportive but not really the type to talk wedding plans. Most of my friends haven't even met my FI since he lives in another state. A couple of them do show interest though.

Also, most of my friends were "couple friends" that my ex and I hung out with - and many of those were actually my ex's friends first, and I've sort of lost touch with them - so it would be in poor taste for me to rattle on about my wedding with them.

Our wedding is going to be very, very small, for a number of reasons. FI and I are just fine with that. So there won't be a lot of planning to do or to talk about with others. Since I'm not really into throwing parties anyway, I'm perfectly content.

mybooboos

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you want.  As PPs stated, sometimes it's just that your friends' lives get busy, and may not be able to dedicate the time/interest that you can.  Heck, I'm a bride, and I can't always dedicate the time/interest in my own wedding(!), so I'm sure it falls lower on other people's list.  I have 4 longtime friends that are my BMs, and even with them, I only bring up the wedding if they ask first, or if I need to convey something important to them. Since they all have stuff going on in their lives, I focus on them first.

You have your FMIL and FI being supportive, which is a good start.  Others will follow, but since wedding planning can be so many months in the future, it may take longer for others to jump on the bandwagon, but they will, in time. 

Enjoy your planning!

Lisa50

Please try not to let the nay-sayers bring you down.  They have their own reasons (in their minds, very valid) not to state or show their support.  At the end of the day, if you choose to listen to those reasons -- you can accept or reject them.  And, always, you can come here to rant!

Good luck!

fireytiger

It can be really hard. My family is showing absolutely no support at all, with the exception of my dad and grandma. I never had all the hoopla the first time around but I guess because i've been married once already, they really just don't care. I wish I had better advice, other than just ignore it. But I know it's very hard to ignore it when people you care about don't share your joy. Good luck with everything, just remember that you DO deserve to have a beautiful day that you and your FI are happy with.

lindaloulubbock

I could have written your post.  I have a couple of friends who do always ask, but we're so busy, I rarely talk to them.

If your FMIL is excited, talk to her. Talk to us.  I know it's not the same, but you do deserve to be excited, and you deserve to have someone share that excitement, too.

cmk46202

My parents weren't supportive the first time I got married, so I know kind of how you are feeling. Please try to stay positive and surround yourself with as many positive people as you can. Don't let others' negativity color your wedding planning process. Obviously we are here because our first marriages didn't work out for whatever reason ... it is sometimes a struggle for me to let go of the baggage from the past. But this is a fresh start ... focus on you and your FI!

IslandBeachBride

Wow, I can relate to this.  When my divorce happened my friends went with the divorce.  They chose to side with my ex and have had nothing to do with me.  I have 2 friends that live out of state that aren't able to come back for this wedding, therefore they don't ask anything about it.  I have no outlet to share the happy accomplishments or the frustrating times.  Dont get me wrong, I'm looking forward to my wedding and being married - just wish friends hadn't have bailed - they again, I guess they really weren't friends at all.   I've become the person I never wanted to be....a loaner.

fireytiger

Wow islandbeach, my friends did the same thing to me. When I divorced my ex, EVERYONE took his side, including my own mother. Hell, one of said friends ended up marrying him! So not only was I going through the hardest and ugliest time in my life, but I had to do it alone. I was in a lot of pain but I ended up having to just write them all off. I have them on my facebook as "friends" but I don't consider them a part of my life anymore. I made new friends, and I learned an important lesson: When a friend lets you down, it's okay to be sad, but don't hold yourself back from finding new friends. Sometimes your newest friends will surprise you and be the ones who really come through for you. I know mine did.

jenjenaz

thanks for the support folks.  i guess it's just hard that, when the right one finally comes along and asks the question, since it's the second time around, no one is taking much of an interest. 

i totally get that people have other stuff going on.  and i don't want it to be the center of everything.  but if a friend got a new job, i'd ask about it!  if a friend got a new puppy, i'd ask about it!  i'm getting married!!!!

don't know.  thanks for listening to me vent.  maybe that's all i really need!

jenjenaz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_guilt-feeling-like-cant-excited-semi-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:5dec00af-721c-4584-87d5-a5187daa0b9fPost:b97b961a-ef06-4eb6-9b43-290a2e0bb116">Re: More Guilt / Feeling like I can't be excited - semi-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Harsh truth: no one will ever care as much about your wedding as you do,  whether it's your first or your fifteenth. [/QUOTE]

believe it or not, i get that, and i'm not asking for my friends to be terribly interested in linen color choices - i have a hard enough time caring about that kind of stuff.  but when you find out your friend is pregnant with her 2nd child, the next time you speak with her, don't you say congrats?  or when are you due?  or boy or girl? (assuming, of course, that the child is not unplanned, etc.)  you're excited for your friend, right?  even if it's their 2nd or 3rd or 15th (ok maybe not) child?  you don't completely ignore the topic like you don't even know. (and yes, i know that she knows....but i guess a 'like' on facebook isn't what i'd expect from someone who i thought was a good friend.)

just hurt, i suppose. 

maybe it's just me, but it's hard for me to plan a wedding basically by myself, in a town where i'm new and don't have any girlfriends.  it was difficult to go wedding dress shopping by myself.  my fiance is wonderful and he can't wait to get married.  but he wants the party...and doesn't realize (or very much care) about things like invitiations, etc.  he'd be happy sending out an email.  if we're going to do this whole thing, though, i want to do it semi-correctly. 

and,   just so no one thinks otherwise, my fiance's first want is our marriage, not the party.  us starting our lives together is his first priority. that being said, he wants to have a party to celebrate. 

lindaloulubbock

"maybe it's just me, but it's hard for me to plan a wedding basically by myself, in a town where i'm new and don't have any girlfriends.  it was difficult to go wedding dress shopping by myself.  my fiance is wonderful and he can't wait to get married.  but he wants the party...and doesn't realize (or very much care) about things like invitiations, etc.  he'd be happy sending out an email.  if we're going to do this whole thing, though, i want to do it semi-correctly.  

and,   just so no one thinks otherwise, my fiance's first want is our marriage, not the party.  us starting our lives together is his first priority. that being said, he wants to have a party to celebrate.  "

Me, too.  Exactly.  I broke down into a puddle of tears when I left the salon after dress shopping alone.  I feel your pain very clearly.

jenjenaz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_guilt-feeling-like-cant-excited-semi-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:5dec00af-721c-4584-87d5-a5187daa0b9fPost:b1ef622a-c77b-4685-b8a3-ec13bda1391b">Re: More Guilt / Feeling like I can't be excited - semi-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]"Me, too.  Exactly.  I broke down into a puddle of tears when I left the salon after dress shopping alone.  I feel your pain very clearly.
Posted by lindaloulubbock[/QUOTE]

i'm so sorry to hear that....i didn't break down in tears, but it was tough.  and he was surprised when i bought a dress at the first place i looked.  i liked it.  it looked good on me.  and i just didn't want to do that again.  (btw - go on a weekday night - much better on the nerves.)  and as a testament to his love, he absolutely would have gone wedding gown shopping with me if i had asked him to.  well, as long as it didn't interfere with a hockey playoff game that he wanted to see.  :)

gosuzy

I am looking forward to going wedding dress shopping WITHOUT my mom. For my first wedding, I had a dress I liked a lot that she nixed, because it "looked too much like a maternity wedding dress"??!! I couldn't see it. I ended up with something elaborate with a train. It was a fine dress, but it wasn't my first choice.

I'll either go alone or with my best friend if she's free. I'm fine with that.

Tamiam30

I, too, could've written your post. FI was so helpful with planning and details-at first-but got bored with it very quickly, and frankly has not a clue about fashion (shoes, dresses, accessories, detail-y things) that a good girlfriend would have. My daughter (in college) is MOH, and she is understandably really busy finishing up her first year, then off to her internship. My sister is my BM, and still (I think) getting used to the idea of a second marriage for me. I was married the first time for 16 years and she kind of grew up with my ex. I'm DIY a lot of this wedding to save $ and the "party" is important for FI as it is his first and while on the small side (80 ish guests) still very overwhelming (and lonely) at times for one person to plan. I had a pretty major come-upart/pity party for myself on Saturday while I was working on flower things by myself and just felt like nobody gave a single solitary crap. Then (after he woke up-at noon!) my 15 year old SON came and sat down with me and helped me; and started asking about the plans, what I had left to do, etc. It was almost like the sun came out from behind the clouds. It was like he knew that I was sad that nobody seems excited about the planning and just that one little bit of help from him made my day.

thealphabride

I planned the majority of my wedding alone as well. My mom was excited but she is elderly and cannot run around to a bunch of different places. One of my sisters really didn't want anything to do with it, the other was excited and willing to help but her time was limited. My girlfriends didn't really show any interest in helping plan either. In fact, at the end they didn't want to know anything about any details because they wanted to be surprised. Didn't want to know about the dress, shoes, jewelry, nothing. My fiance helped me visit venues, but ulitmately I found my dream venue alone and booked it on the spot.
I went dress shopping alone, but that's because I wanted to. I was able to try on many gowns without a bunch of opinions and drama. When I narrowed it down to 3 at a few different places, I planned a one day shopping trip to bring mom and the sisters with me so they could have the "experience". BUT every dress they wanted me to buy on the spot so they could go home. In the end I went to yet another place, saw a dress I loved, tried it on and bought it on the spot off the rack.
It's true, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. What I did was to come here and to my local board and month board when I wanted to get my wedding groove on, it really helped. Then everyone was surprised in the end and I had little drama surrounding the planning. Not having a lot of people involved does have it's benefits, I had very little drama surrounding my wedding.