i swear....its gonna be a task getting used to living a life dealing with the exs

Amomtomanyluvs

between my ex and his ex...we wont get a head in life...unless we sacrifice and struggle.
my ex...he is an alchoholic. (i dont let him have the kids unless i know its safe...and the police, child protective services and laywers are standing by) but he gets a job, starts paying child support and lasts about 6 months. then he loses it, drinks his life away ignores the kids for roughly 3 to 6 months. then cant afford alchohol so he stops, gets sober, comes back into the kids lives...starts looking for a job...but has not paid child support in months ($1100 is a lot of money to have to lose for that long) and in the meantime, the kids are sad, at times they have to see daddy drunk (i kick him out, but they still see he is drunk in that 5 min. my kids arent stupid) we are struggling to make ends meet etc. my fi has to step up a be a daddy and a financial supplier for all of us...plus he pays child support.
his ex, mother of his son. she is a drug addict. child protective services ignore the problem. laywers in wv apperently are crap...and they tell her 2 days before hand when she is getting a drug test...so she passes always.
my step son has come hme now twice with lice. once before i met them. he had it for 2 months!! this time, he came here for a week...and apperently had it. could have given it to all of us in the house, me, my 3 and my fi. and apperently this is something that happens alot. he is not a dirty child...but i feel he has to be treated like one...cuz he brings home crap like lice (we got lucky...not one of us got it)
if she injects needles...i got to worry about my precious step son getting aids etc. she is a neglectful mother who wont cure the lice so we wil have to trreat him again this weekend...etc. and she cares more about drugs then her child...she is neglectful. i wonder every week what he will bring home from her dirtyness. ugh!! its so frustrating.

summerlilly2008

The only major advice I know is to take life 1 day at a time and to take deep breaths and focus on the positive. I know that is going to be very hard to do. 

I have been sitting here thinking of any advice I can give and the only thing I know is that you need a good lawyer and I know they don't come cheap. I would recommend that you document everything, every time your step-son comes from her house and he is more than "just being a boy" dirty. This goes to wellness and health of the child and the courts SHOULD step in. Petition the court for full custody and let the mother visit only if she passes a drug test. I know it is a hard difficult road to go down.

As for the lack of parenting and CS from your ex. As far as parenting I think you are doing the best you can. And for recieving CS I wouldn't count on receiving money ever. And any that you do receive set it aside and try not to use it unless you had to. In my opinion it would be better if you were able to adjust to not having it since it is sporadic anyway. You could use it at Christmas or for college funds. It's just a suggestion. 

arv266

Have you tried to contact your step-sons school?  I know that teachers and principals have a lot of pull with child services and can get the ball moving if they think that a child is being neglected. 

I agree with the PP on the CS.  I stopped receiving CS about three years ago, due in part that we share custody 50/50, and because the ex was having a really rough time financially.  It is a hardship for you to not having him contributing in any way in his kids lives (parenting or financially) but this is what you have to face. 

Marrin713

I'm surprised the school HASN'T stepped in assuming that this child goes to school w/ lice.

Amomtomanyluvs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_swearits-gonna-task-getting-used-living-life-dealing-exs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:6664405a-5112-45b2-a7dd-9a23605c78e2Post:9900f4bc-a616-4112-9937-cf1201c3d780">Re: i swear....its gonna be a task getting used to living a life dealing with the exs</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you tried to contact your step-sons school?  I know that teachers and principals have a lot of pull with child services and can get the ball moving if they think that a child is being neglected.  I agree with the PP on the CS.  I stopped receiving CS about three years ago, due in part that we share custody 50/50, and because the ex was having a really rough time financially.  It is a hardship for you to not having him contributing in any way in his kids lives (parenting or financially) but this is what you have to face. 
Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]

My step son is only 2 yrs old...so he is not in school yet. and he doesnt go to day care or anything.
can i ask how you and your ex do the 50/50 split? I have full physical custody but if my ex ever tried to get more custody and it was split...i see you and i live in the same area...so i was wondering how your 50/50 split happened and how is that worked out?

arv266

My ex turned out to be a horrrrrible husband but with a lot of help on my part, he has turned out to be a good father.  We divorced when the kids were 6 and 4, and have a 50/50 split since this time.  From the get, what was most important were the kids, their school, and their emotional wellbeing. My ex and I live within 20 minutes of each other so that we are both in the kids school district.  He wanted to be in their lives on a daily basis, and niether of us wanted him to be a weekend "fun" dad.  We alternate custody every other week -- pick up is after school or after care on Friday afternoons. They have a home with him, and a home with me.  When they are 14 they get to decide what custody schedule they want.  This really works for all of us.  Hasn't always been easy, and i miss them when they are with him, but the kids are doing great. 

Amomtomanyluvs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_swearits-gonna-task-getting-used-living-life-dealing-exs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:6664405a-5112-45b2-a7dd-9a23605c78e2Post:89612504-14ab-44c8-97e3-643d1a7965ba">Re: i swear....its gonna be a task getting used to living a life dealing with the exs</a>:
[QUOTE]My ex turned out to be a horrrrrible husband but with a lot of help on my part, he has turned out to be a good father.  We divorced when the kids were 6 and 4, and have a 50/50 split since this time.  From the get, what was most important were the kids, their school, and their emotional wellbeing. My ex and I live within 20 minutes of each other so that we are both in the kids school district.  He wanted to be in their lives on a daily basis, and niether of us wanted him to be a weekend "fun" dad.  We alternate custody every other week -- pick up is after school or after care on Friday afternoons. They have a home with him, and a home with me.  When they are 14 they get to decide what custody schedule they want.  This really works for all of us.  Hasn't always been easy, and i miss them when they are with him, but the kids are doing great. 
Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]

thats very good! very unselfish of you. i asked for the kids to be with me...but that was before i knew what was going on. my ex has them every other weekend and could have them whenever he wanted to see them...butthe problem was always he lives in a different county let alone a different school zone. so that would never work. and for my kids...i feel they belong with me...i believe every child is different. i stayed home with them since the day they were born...he always worked. i still stay home. im more available.
but the other problem was drinking. i would love it if he was always sober and he was responsable and i didnt have to worry. but every weekend he has them i spend it worrying about their welfare...should i call the police for a welfare check etc...its rough. im not sure he could handle the kids on his own...im glad they live with me...but i do wish he would step up as a father a little more...
good luck with yours. sounds like it works for you!

nikki_k

my advice for both of the ex's is get a day planner with the year on it.  And one that has plenty of room to write in each day, and every time something that is a cause of concern for you write it down.  The reason I say make sure it has the year is because if you ever have to involve attorneys and go to court you have all this stuff at hand and its hard to argue that you made it up at the last minute 3 years from now because it will say 2010 on it.  Where on earth would you get a 2010 day planner in 2013????  I am doing that with my ex cause you never know.  And you may think you'll remember everything they do but trust me you wont.  Also on the lice thing, lice actually prefer clean hair, not dirty.  And they cant jump like people think.  You have to have direct contact, like a hug, and they can go from his hair to yours.

arv266

thanks nikki!  It isn't always easy but the bottom line is that I do know he is trying his very best to be a good dad.  I may not agree (and I often dont, but I never bring it up to up) with all of his choices, but its more of an issue of I know I would handle a situation differently.  This choice would not work out if alcohol was involved.  The X was not a "born" father -- I helped him, sometimes being supportive and sometimes being the biggest B in the universe to make sure that the kids got what they needed.  It sounds like his drinking is that issue for you.  My advice is to be that B -- if you think he's been drinkning when he picks up the kids, call the cops. Call child services.  Go back to court and file for full custody.  And a word about courts -- you dont always need a lawyer to file, just time, patience and the ability to look up how to do somthing on the internet.  But before you get to that point, I do suggest that you have a "come to Jesus moment" with him, and you calmly (this is the hard part) let him know that his drinkning is no longer acceptable, and if it continues this is what will happen.  Not a threat, just a fact, so that he isn't caught off guard.  It may mean that you may actually have to help him find rehab or AA.... I have helped the X out A LOT, and people thought I was insane or still in love with him... but the truth was, by helping him I was giving my kids their dad.  For me that was worth it.   

JennaHR

 I know the bad dad mo... My ex owes $27K in child support, and has spent most of the last 3 years in jail, rehabs, and psych wards. My 5 year old refuses to speak about him, and occassionally calls FI "Daddy". My 6 year old still loves her father very much, but when I told her he called a few months ago she said "What.. he's sorry again? He had alot of last chances." So that's that. He is MIA at the moment, last seen checking himself out of a psych ward 3 days after a suicide attempt.  Anyway, we live as if he isn't in existence. The kids no longer ask for him, and he rarely ever calls. I don't even know where to begin looking for him. I can't think of a good reason why I would want to either.

As far as your situation... head lice are a pain in the *ss. My daughters brought them home every two weeks for almost 6 months when they were in preschool. FI and I spent hours upon hours picking through hair, even using a prescribed shampoo that can only be used once/year because of the dangerous toxins it contains, and chopping my eldest daughter's beautiful curls. We finally hit a breakthrough, but it was only after switching their daycare. Read up on head lice... they aren't a hygiene issue, they are a parasite; anyone can catch them, and they are a b*tch to get rid of.

  I agree with keeping a journal though. I did it during my divorce and it proved to be the greatest thing. Now I am pretty safe relying on my Ex's hospital and criminal records if he ever popped up again. Maybe you and FI could seek custody if you are really concerned for your step son.

    I wish you the best.

Amomtomanyluvs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_swearits-gonna-task-getting-used-living-life-dealing-exs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:6664405a-5112-45b2-a7dd-9a23605c78e2Post:94c07ad2-bce7-44b9-9c79-3b39f17c777d">Re: i swear....its gonna be a task getting used to living a life dealing with the exs</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks nikki!  It isn't always easy but the bottom line is that I do know he is trying his very best to be a good dad.  I may not agree (and I often dont, but I never bring it up to up) with all of his choices, but its more of an issue of I know I would handle a situation differently.  This choice would not work out if alcohol was involved.  The X was not a "born" father -- I helped him, sometimes being supportive and sometimes being the biggest B in the universe to make sure that the kids got what they needed.  It sounds like his drinking is that issue for you.  My advice is to be that B -- if you think he's been drinkning when he picks up the kids, call the cops. Call child services.  Go back to court and file for full custody.  And a word about courts -- you dont always need a lawyer to file, just time, patience and the ability to look up how to do somthing on the internet.  But before you get to that point, I do suggest that you have a "come to Jesus moment" with him, and you calmly (this is the hard part) let him know that his drinkning is no longer acceptable, and if it continues this is what will happen.  Not a threat, just a fact, so that he isn't caught off guard.  It may mean that you may actually have to help him find rehab or AA.... I have helped the X out A LOT, and people thought I was insane or still in love with him... but the truth was, by helping him I was giving my kids their dad.  For me that was worth it.   
Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]
yeah i was like that. i was and still am a big b. he and i have had that talk and i have stuck with it every step of the way. i have tried to get him in rehab, with court forced him to do aa meetings etc. and i continue to do what i have to. i have the cops on stand by, have involved child protective services and continue to do everything in my power. but i need a little more proof unfourtunatly. apperently something bad has to happen to the children before child services step in. and the biggest thing is he lives with his parents...and they are gardians while he is around so the judge wont change this until his parents leave (which sucks) but the times he has shown up drunk...he doesnt get my kids...and now since he is sober...i have no choice. i have to protect the kids by not being in contempt of court...which is hard. but the kids and i have talked...and we have an emergency plan (wel my 8 yr old) she knows he drinks...cuz she has seen it...and she is a wise 8 yr old, too wise and too unfair but this was brought on by him. i tried to protect her every chance i could...he didnt allow this. so we have an emergency plans. i do have full custody...so as soon as i feel (right now he is sober so i dont stand in his way with the kids) but if or when he starts drinking again...i will gather enough proof, a that point his parents will be gone retired...and i will get the courts involved to remove his supervised visits. its in the courts that he has a drinking problem, so im thinking it wont be hard. right now i dont have a reason...but if or when i do...my divin right is to protect the kids...and i will.
i have tried everything in my power including save his life from a suicide attempt. but i cant help him if he doesnt want to help himself. i can only make him do so much...and he is a stubborn man....but my next step is to get him in rehab if i he goes back to it...in order to have rights to the kids unsupervised.
im a bitch when it comes to protecting my 3 loves of my life....

Amomtomanyluvs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_swearits-gonna-task-getting-used-living-life-dealing-exs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:6664405a-5112-45b2-a7dd-9a23605c78e2Post:868a6437-238e-4a48-aa60-f0a23b244e0d">Re: i swear....its gonna be a task getting used to living a life dealing with the exs</a>:
[QUOTE] I know the bad dad mo... My ex owes $27K in child support, and has spent most of the last 3 years in jail, rehabs, and psych wards. My 5 year old refuses to speak about him, and occassionally calls FI "Daddy". My 6 year old still loves her father very much, but when I told her he called a few months ago she said "What.. he's sorry again? He had alot of last chances." So that's that. He is MIA at the moment, last seen checking himself out of a psych ward 3 days after a suicide attempt.  Anyway, we live as if he isn't in existence. The kids no longer ask for him, and he rarely ever calls. I don't even know where to begin looking for him. I can't think of a good reason why I would want to either. As far as your situation... head lice are a pain in the *ss. My daughters brought them home every two weeks for almost 6 months when they were in preschool. FI and I spent hours upon hours picking through hair, even using a prescribed shampoo that can only be used once/year because of the dangerous toxins it contains, and chopping my eldest daughter's beautiful curls. We finally hit a breakthrough, but it was only after switching their daycare. Read up on head lice... they aren't a hygiene issue, they are a parasite; anyone can catch them, and they are a b*tch to get rid of.   I agree with keeping a journal though. I did it during my divorce and it proved to be the greatest thing. Now I am pretty safe relying on my Ex's hospital and criminal records if he ever popped up again. Maybe you and FI could seek custody if you are really concerned for your step son.     I wish you the best.
Posted by JennaHR[/QUOTE]
the only problem i had with the head lice is that we would send shamppo with his ex to help us get rid of them...and she didnt do anything. she is too high on drugs and smoking in front of her kid to worry about helping us cure him. she finally got tired of hearing it from my ex so she cut his hair off to avoid dealing with it. he is sick...we take him to the docs, cuz she wont. she is a neglectful mom...thats why im mad about the lice. i know my kids could bring it home from school but we cure it she wont help. its frustrating. and we have spent alot of money getting custody of him...and will continue to do so until we get full custody. but the laws are harder where he lives...and to prove she is a druggie when child protective services dont care...is hgard....otherwise we would have him now. but we are continuing our efforst to get custody....

diane91

you should push for more drug testing for your fiance's ex. Even if she has 2 days notices it will not help her. Any kind of drugs stay in your system for a minimum of 3 weeks, even pot. The drug testing kits that are sold at any drug store can detect 5 different kind of drugs in a person even if they haven't done anything for 3 weeks. They detect pot, opium, herion,cocain etc. And that is only with a urine sample. The testing law enforcement use or any other organization example; job drug testing are even more advanced, so I don't know who is doing the drug test on her but if I were you anytime she has to do a drug test I would make sure someone of authority, or you fiance is present to make sure they are really doing the test because I believe they are not. Your fiance should buy a drug test at the drug store ask to be present when the do the drug test and make her do your drug test '' they cannot refuse''. Then when it comes back positive which is the same lenght of time a pregnancy test he can take his son at that moment.Savety of child

dubmomwifey

[QUOTE]his ex, mother of his son. she is a drug addict. child protective services ignore the problem. laywers in wv apperently are crap...and they tell her 2 days before hand when she is getting a drug test...so she passes always.
Posted by Beccabot4[/QUOTE]
 Could you possibly request they do a drug test on her hair? Or even her blood? It is easier to get a better result this way. Hair tests are very good because they can look at the whole strand and actually see when she has done it and when she has quit (like for the tests she was notified about).