2nd Marriage Worries

ShellyBaxter11

Does anybody else worry that since it is a second marriage that you FI might think it's easier to divorce since they've been through that before?  

I especially worry that sometimes because we won't be having any children together.  (I had a hysterectomy about 5 months before I met him.)  I worry because I know that is just something I can't give him.  (Even though he says he doesn't want more children and we each have 2 of our own.)

I also worry, since we are older (I'm 40 and he's almost 50) that something bad will happen (death) before we get married or even shortly after..... I'm afraid we won't have much time together.

I know.  I worry a lot.

soon to be mrs pham

i worry alot too. i think its just something that keeps me on my toes. (my ex was abusive and old habits die hard if you know what i mean) dont know though a lot of people i know seem to worry about alot of the same things even when they havent been married before. 

perhaps its more normal than we think? (to worry i mean)

handfast4me

Read the "it's normal" sticky post.  I don't worry about it, because DH wasn't married before me, but I'm menopausal, so I can't have any more children.  I have one, he has none.  Fortunately, he never wanted any kids, and seriously, he treats my grown daughter as if she were his--always worried about her and her husband and daughter, etc.  

I'm thinking a couple of things, and I'm having a hard time expressing them well so forgive me if this comes out clumsily.  So, I think you've got to make sure that he's telling you the truth about why he doesn't want more kids.  I might ask him why.  Cost a lot? Wants to enjoy life and go on adult-type vacations? other? 

Also, again, clumsy here: if your thoughts have been, like a lot of religions pound into our head, that the main purpose of marriage is to have children, then that might be playing into your doubts. 

If you love this guy with all your heart, and you're not having doubts about the relationship itself, then I say, forget the worries and go for it.  Whether you worry or not, the same things will happen, although you may hasten it with your doubt and worry if you bug the dickens out of him, KWIM? 

Marrin713

Well, I DO admit that the "til death do you part" takes on a whole different meaning when you marry after 50.  And I spent an inordinate amount of time dwelling on it.  The divorce thing - no don't worry about that.  His divorce cost him so much money he wouldn't do it now because of financial reasons...just kidding.  But I don't worry regardless.  Kids are nowhere in our future - possible g-kids tho.  Neither one of our sons is looking to make it happen.

My advice - talk to him about the kids thing.  It's probably just as he says - he's not looking to have any more.

And death and illness; it can happen at any age.  Don't allow it to take over.  I know, I know....pot meet kettle.  I'm the biggest worrywart in the world.  And I don't take kindly to being usurped

ShellyBaxter11

I know he is sincere about not wanting more kids.... he wants to enjoy life as adults.

I also had an abusive ex.... who then later turned out to be gay.  I always thought I was undesirable but the truth was I just had the wrong parts..... so I think that makes me over-think so much. I always worry that I am "enough."

I know death and illness can happen at anytime.  I have way more health problems in my past than he does and he is worried about that too.

I did read the "it's normal" sticky yesterday and even copied it and e-mailed it to my fiance.  I thought it was something he would apprieciate as I feel like so many of those things and he always wants me to communicate how I feel and stuff..... I'm not always able to put into words how I feel so that helped.

I guess I am just a worrier. 

handfast4me

Shell, it's OK to be a worrier, I think I would be really unhappy if I wasn't always worrying about SOMETHING.  The trick is to not let it take over and make other parts of your life miserable.  Come here and vent,  we've got your back. 

Laura1027

I hear you, Shelly...It's normal to worry but it's what you do with that worry that is either a 'good way to handle it' or a 'bad way to handle it.'   If you let it harm your relationship, or make yourself sick with it, well...the bad stuff didn't  even have to happen and it's affected you!  Don't let it do that to you.  The "good way" involves stuff like realizing how lucky we are now and that we should treasure every moment!

My mom used to tell me:  "Feelings are neither right or wrong.  It's what we DO with them that matters."

My FI is 16 years older than I am; it's reasonable to assume I will spend some years alone later in life.  I try not to dwell on that; just make sure to treasure every day we get!

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_2nd-marriage-worries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:89ffc6e1-2643-4bc2-85f3-254a33c7c52fPost:e2f0fea5-18b7-4676-8ab3-3e57c18f3330">Re: 2nd Marriage Worries</a>:
[QUOTE]I know he is sincere about not wanting more kids.... he wants to enjoy life as adults. <strong>I also had an abusive ex.... who then later turned out to be gay.</strong>  I always thought I was undesirable but the truth was I just had the wrong parts..... so I think that makes me over-think so much. I always worry that I am "enough." I know death and illness can happen at anytime.  I have way more health problems in my past than he does and he is worried about that too. I did read the "it's normal" sticky yesterday and even copied it and e-mailed it to my fiance.  I thought it was something he would apprieciate as I feel like so many of those things and he always wants me to communicate how I feel and stuff..... I'm not always able to put into words how I feel so that helped. I guess I am just a worrier. 
Posted by ShellyBaxter11[/QUOTE]

I am pretty sure my ex is gay.  Don't know that I'll ever know for sure since we don't really travel in the same circles (thank God), but I digress.

I think it is normal to be concerned, but I don't think it makes it easier to divorce.  In our situation, we came in to our relationship knowing what we didn't want and what worked and what didn't before.  I don't foresee us ever reaching that point (who does?), but I think we'd fight tooth and nail to stay together.  We wouldn't just give up on it.  Neither of us just gave up on our 1st marriages - we stayed WAY past when it was time to let it go.

As for worrying about something happening - I find I have been doing that more as the wedding day gets closer.  I'm a worrywart, too.  Glad to have company in that boat here.  :)

ShellyBaxter11

It's hard suspecting your ex is gay.... makes you doubt your own femininity.  But keep in mind that even if he is, nothing you did made him that way.  I dated a man shortly after I was divorced who asked "wow, you turned him gay???"  First of all, I wish I had that much power over someone sometimes.... but no, I don't and I told him so.  Later that night after he was kissing on me "good night" for more than 20 minutes and it was getting really hot, I pushed away from him, looked directly in his eyes and asked "ok, are you gay now?"  He looked at me and a big smile came to his face as he said "HELL NO!" and pulled me back to him...... LOL.  BTW, my ex was in the closet for a while.... even though I figured it out AFTER I had filed for divorce.... he finally "came out" after I got engaged and said that he was "married" to his new lover.  The person it is hardest on is our 14 year old son.  I am really happy that my fiance is being a positive male role model to him that is hetrosexual..... not saying gay is bad or anything.... but for a hetrosexual boy at that age life is hard enough with a "normal" homelife.  He needs someone to look up to that is positive.

handfast4me

Shelly, (and btw, if that's your real name, you will want to delete your profile and start again with a new screen name.  The interwebz is not safe). 

You're allowed to feel whatever you want--that's OK, but I have a hard time calling homosexuality "abnormal".  To me, it's just one of the many ranges of normal.  I wonder if you're transferring your feelings to your son?  I'm also wondering what your femininity has to do with your ex's being gay?  The two aren't related, although somehow, even though you claim that one person can't turn another gay, your thought process is getting you there.  Just some thoughts for you.   

Sorry for the late post, I couldn't respond at first because I couldn't put my gut reaction into a cohesive response. 

cindyj23

I think he's being honest with you about not wanting anymore kids, especially if he is nearing 50. My ex-husband's parents had a 20-yr span between them. His dad was 52 & his mom was 32 when she was pregnant with him, and now his dad is the same age as my grandparents.

I'll be 30 next month and my FI is 32 and we don't want kids. My 3 yr old daughter passed away 4 yrs ago to congenital muscular dystrophy (which is caused by a defective gene in both the mother and father). She was my only child with my ex and after he admitted to his adultry 2 months after her funeral, we went our seperate ways.

The FI likes the idea of spoiling the neices and nephews and sending them back home to their parents - I concur! Besides, we'd rather get dogs. But everyone is different. Talk it out with your FI if you need to. I'm sure he will understand. My FI is VERY SUPPORTIVE with my grieving days - both good & bad.

clp01usa

Think every divorced person thinks about that.  Then you have realize that you've both made mistakes that you don't want to repeat, so you work at it.  You communicate a lot more.  And I don't think my husband could afford it again.  I'm looking forward to the weird pre-wedding nightmares to stop.  If it's something I ate or hormones, it has to stop, I need a good night sleep!

AbbeyS2011

My DH and I had a similar discussion about kids and we are the same ages as you and your FH - I am 41, he is 50.  He has a son, 29, a daughter, 21, and I have 2 sons, 11 and 7.  I had a hysterectomy when my youngest one was 3, way before I met DH. 

While part of me would have LOVED to have a baby with DH, I am also really glad we are done having babies.  We have a beautiful granddaughter from his son, and could not be happier.  We are looking forward to raising our two youngest boys and sending them off to college and having the house to ourselves.

I find it easier to count the blessings we do have, as well as the time we have together, than to focus on the "might-have-beens" in our lives.

Here is wishing you and your FI a beautiful marriage and life together!