Dress shopping with Mom

TashaK24

Hi Ladies, I'm new here and would love some advice dealing with some issues with my Mom from other second time brides.

A little background, I was married young (barely 22) to the boy I dated in high school, and a few years later, after realizing we weren't heading in the same direction, we divorced.  I'm 28 now and engaged to a wonderful man who I can't wait to marry.

The problem is my mother and her reaction to the whole second wedding thing. She didn't seem to have too many objections to the divorce (first in our family though) and dating again, but now is acting funny about the second wedding, like "are you going to wear a wedding dress?  Is that appropriate?" She makes me feel bad that I'm having another wedding. Because of this, I don't want to involve her, especially in dress shopping because I KNOW she'll say something in the salon about this being my second wedding and how I need something appropriate and all that, and I don't want to feel bad when picking out a dress! I went shopping with my sister today and we had a blast, but now I'm feeling guilty for not inviting my mom!

I guess I'm just looking for guidance about how to deal with this.  The last thing I want to be thinking about as I plan this wedding is my first and I certainly don't want to feel bad that I'm having another wedding (that FI and I will be paying for!).

Sorry, that turned more into a vent than a question, but still, any input would be appreciated!

Tasha

melissamc2

This is my third wedding.  My best advice is to involve your Mother as little as possible, take no money from her, and let her be a guest.

That may sound a bit cold, but it's worked for me every time.  I've watched too many brides (first time and not first time) have their wedding planning ruined by the Mothers because they allow them to have that control.  There's no need for that.  We're grown women with our own tastes, our own styles, and our own wishes for our weddings.  You and your fiance are the ONLY people who should be planning this or having any say over what you do/wear/want.

If she interjects her opinion when you haven't asked, just politely tell her that you appreciate her thoughts, but you know how you'd like to do it and hope that she can enjoy the day and be happy for you.

While there are Mothers out there who are super supportive and just as happy about your wedding (whether first or fifth) as you are, there are some that just seem incapable of really getting into it.  If you find yourself with one of those, go it alone when it comes to planning.  In the end you'll be glad you did and maybe you can have it end with a Mom who is just happy to be there.


Good luck and congratulations!

Erin McCormack

I totally agree with Melissa.  This is your wedding and no less important than any other wedding 1st or 5th.  A wedding is supposed to be about celebrating the union of two people and the love and commitment for one another.  Some people are very lucky and hit the first time, but, more often than not they all walk in our shoes. 
For me, this is my second wedding, but, my First Love.  For the first time I feel the way I should have 20 + years ago.  I'm excited and having the time of my life planning the wedding.  My mother is no longer with me, but, my aunt is my surrogate mom (extremely supportive).  My son's think I'm crazy (mom planning a wedding that's crazy), but, that's boy's for you.  I haven't experienced any negativity, but, I have experienced my FMIL always comparing this wedding to his 1st (she can't stand his ex by the way). I chalked it up to her age (83), that's her point of reference and not really realizing she was doing it.  After a while, It was wearing thin, I didn't want the anti x wedding and I wanted to feel like she was truly happy for us.  With that said, my FI had a talk with her about it and she hadn't realized that she was doing it.  They're from a different generation and change is slow going.  Since then I haven't heard another word about the 1st wedding. 

Since you had a blast going out with your sister, would it be possible to enlist her in having a talk with your mom and have her point out that this is making you sad when this is a very special time for you.  That you would be thrilled if your family could happy and supportive that you have found the man you're ment to be with and this is a new beginning for a happy wonderful life.  Sometimes they just need an eye opener. 

I hope all works out well for you.  Remember, this is your day.  Don't let anyone make you feel any less excited or happy about your future.

Erin

Sloane99

I am in a similar position and similar in age to you. I did have a lot of comments when we first got engaged from my parents. Not necessarily bad ones, but ones that hurt and I felt were inappropriate. I don't want to pretend I was never married before but it certainly felt nothing like it does for me now.

I had a chat with my parents, they made a comment and that opened the door and I just said "listen guys, this is getting a bit hurtful, not to mention inappropriate" and we had a good talk. Turns out a lot of their comments was actually them working through the process of my divorce 'cause they never really did and also their concern was for me being judged by others so they were trying to minimize that. Once it was all out in the open we moved forward and got excited about it together.

TashaK24

Thanks for all the wonderful feedback.  I think I'll try speaking to my mom if she brings up something inappropriate and if she doesn't respond then limit her involvement. 

Thanks ladies!!
Tasha

LMB311

We're paying for most of ours--it's my 1st wedding and FI's 2nd...but my mom put in a little money, so I gave her 1 decision she could make totally if we disagreed. While I want her opinion, she can only say it once then she has to say, "Oh, that sounds lovely dear," if/when i don't agree with her. 

Ps-She decided I should cover my arm tattoos for the ceremony.