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Re-Marriage Hypenated Name

melliott09melliott09
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in Second Weddings
So this will be my 2nd marriage. I have 2 children from my previous marriage and we have a son together. I never changed back to my maiden name after my divorce, so I kept the same name as my children. Now I have a son, who I do not have the same last name.

I've broght up hypenating my name, so that I have a "name connection" to all 3 boys, but my FI had an issue with it. Ultimatley, what I do is my choose and it won't change anything with our relationship and whatnot.

But I was curious to see what others have done, and the reasoning behind it...
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Re: Re-Marriage Hypenated Name

  • SueR13SueR13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't want to carry my ex-husband's name into my new marriage. Right now my name is given maiden first-married and it will change to given maiden new-married.

    My kids are adults and they just won't have the same name as me anymore.
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  • arv266arv266
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    My children are 12 and 10 and we have not shared the same last name in over 6 years... I legally changed my married name back to my maiden name before the divorce was finalized.  The divorce wasn't bitter, but at the time I didn't want to carry his name not a day longer than necessary.  At the time changing my name was the first step of being a single mom, and my kids understood this.  We had a new home and mommy had a new name.  I've gone back and forth on what to do when I remarry, and I've decided that I will hypenate my name.  Its a new beginning for me, and again I'd like to show with my last name. 

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  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I currently still carry my previous married name.  I will switch to my new husband's name in October.

    The children have their names, I'll have mine.  They know a few letters don't have anything to do with our bond, connection, or love.  I've never held much stock in the importance of a last name, though. 
    10-10-10
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  • LesPaulLesPaul member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_re-marriage-hypenated-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:920218be-d7a2-40d6-8d98-2093174ab1a5Post:a48f4332-0edd-4c71-9173-e1db7c1facce">Re: Re-Marriage Hypenated Name</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't want to carry my ex-husband's name into my new marriage. Right now my name is given maiden first-married and it will change to given maiden new-married. My kids are adults and they just won't have the same name as me anymore.
    Posted by SueR13[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.  I kept my ex-H's name because my daughters were young and I wanted it to be the same as theirs.  They're 17 and 19 now, and understand that it is different from thiers (and they're fine with it).
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  • hsbstonehsbstone
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My problem is not with my present last name, but with FI name. His ex still carries his name and I don't think she will ever change despite having a second living boy friend and a new kid with him. Let me clarify that their divorce was as bitter as it can be and after 10 years, she still brings a lot of problems for him with endless custody battles. Because his name is not common in the area where we live, I am not REALLY excited to adopt his last name even though I would please him with it. The last thing that I want in my life is to be confused as someone related to that crazy and evil woman!!! I am being too radical? 
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  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I fully admit that I would HATE knowing some other woman was running around with my husband's name.  While last names don't mean a lot to me - I'm pretty territorial when it comes to my significant other. 

    However, when you get involved with a man who has been married in the past, it's just something you know comes with the territory.  Not to tell you what you "should" do or anything like that, but I think this is an issue that should have been dealt with, and have peace made with in some form, long before it's wedding crunch time.

    This is about you and him, not him and her.  The more YOU make it about her, the more she's got a hold on your life.   It's a hard thing to do, but sometimes you have to let go and move forward  - with him and his name.  :)

    Good luck!
    10-10-10
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  • melliott09melliott09
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_re-marriage-hypenated-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:920218be-d7a2-40d6-8d98-2093174ab1a5Post:aa2a7696-e883-4681-b390-707b0275c6f8">Re: Re-Marriage Hypenated Name</a>:
    [QUOTE]I fully admit that I would HATE knowing some other woman was running around with my husband's name.  [/QUOTE]

    I never thought of it this way...My ex-husbands wife will probably throw a party when we marry and my name changes, but we live on two different coasts and it'a a common name, so there's really no way to know a connection.

    Has anyone found it annoying though, with younger kids, when the schools/teachers call and they say, "Mrs. Elliott?" You respond, "No, but I'm so and so Elliott's mother."
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  • SueR13SueR13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As a teacher, I hate not knowing what to call a mother. "Hi Jimmy's mother..." just doesn't cut it.
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    OP, my mother did what you are thinking of doing, though for different reasons.  All of my mom's degrees and professional licenses have my dad's last name on them and she had a professional reputation built up in that name.  For that reason she hyphonated my dad's name with her new husband's name.  That is the name she uses legally and professionally.  Socially she just uses her husband's last name. 
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  • SueR13SueR13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Professionally, I'm juggling so many names now. I'm applying for teacher certification in the state I'm moving to. I'm not married yet, so I'm using my current name as that's the name I was certified in my current state in. But my undergrad college transcript is in my maiden name. And by the time I can apply for work, I'll have a new married name. Sometimes, it makes my head spin.
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  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Being my third marriage, and of course having had a maiden name, I'm sure the Social Security office is ready to just turn my SS card into an Etch-A-Sketch so I can just shake it clean. ;)
    10-10-10
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  • fam6fam6
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would never carry around my ex-husband's name.  I switched right back to my maiden name and I have a daughter that carries her father's name.  But, that isn't my name anymore.  It is 2010 a last name isn't what makes a family.  And, in my case I am going to be changing to my new married name and in all likelyhood, someday my daughter will change to her married name.  So, it will be a non-issue.  You are getting married for life.  You are taking your husband's name for life.  Your children have but a few years left to need you have a matching name.  And, I have never once had an issue while being a single mom that my name was different than my daughters.
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  • AdelphiTNAdelphiTN member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it's a little harder in OP's case... with having kids with each name. i can see where you might feel like you are choosing between kids. I can understand why you thought of a hyphenation. There are probably some compromises. Maybe you could change your name legally to just FI's but at school and other kid-related functions, could introduce yourself as Mrs. Oldlastname-Newlastname. explain to FI that it's a connection to the kids, not the dad.  Or perhaps legally change your name to the hyphenated one, then later when the kids are older, change it to just FI's.
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  • KnittibellKnittibell
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't know- a lot of my friends kept their maiden names, and so they have a different last name as their kids, and it's not really a big deal. If I were divorced instead of widowed, I'd definitely lose my ex's name. It would not in any way invalidate the relationship I had with my kids from a previous marriage. And the older kids of friends who kept their married names have no problem with it, if that's any help. But I think if you take one husband's name, you should take the next. Ultimately it's up to you, but if I were a man, and you took an ex's name, but didn't want to take mine, I would be offended and hurt, no matter how rational I tried to be about it.

    I'm widowed and my fi has said he's fine with me not changing my name. My maiden name was easy, married name was even easier- my fi has a name I'll be spelling for the rest of my life. But I'm taking his name, too.
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  • melliott09melliott09
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Adelphi - Thanks, I have a feeling that's what I'm going to do and hyphenated my names for school purposes.

    Knittibell - I never thought about my FI having an issue with my wanting to hyphenated based on the reason you stated, which makes sense. I did take my 1st husbands name without hesitation.

    Utlimatley, a name is only a name. The confusion that comes along with the name is whats nagging me.
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  • KnittibellKnittibell
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think in this day, with blended families and so many women keeping their maiden names, what was confusing just 10 years ago is becoming more and more the norm. I think you should go with your gut, and don't worry about it too much... as you said, it's just a name! :) Good luck!
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  • Krysta812Krysta812 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am so glad I found this posting as I am struggling with the same issue!  I decided to hyphenate my maiden and 1st Husband's names after my first marriage.   The problem was, my full name never fit on any printed documents and was always cut off, so after awhile, i just began writing my married name on documents.  I am a licensed clinician and have now build a professional career based on my 1st Husband's last name.  I "think" I have decided to just add my fiancee's name to my first Husband's name professionally (sans the hyphen this time)  and just introduce myself by my new Husband's last name in social situations.  Although..... I wonder about lost networking opportunities as I often pick up new clients after meeting new people in social situations and they refer people to me!  So there you go, I will introduce myself and then have to tell them all of my alias names!
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  • red1115red1115
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I just can't bring myself to change my last name again!!!  I have a professional career under my maiden name and I will keep.  But since my darling really wants me to have his name, I'll definately use it socially.

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  • superjules916superjules916 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I don't know how difficult/ expensive it would be but maybe you could all change your names. You could hyphenate the older boys to mom'smaiden-biodad's and your own to yourmaiden-newfi's. That way you would share the common bond of your maiden to your sons w/o having to carry the name of your ex-husband which would feel like a slight to your FI. However that may be difficult and expensive and not worth it. In that case, I agree with your FI. Your younger son has had a different name from you for this long, maybe it's the older boys' turn.

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  • melliott09melliott09
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_re-marriage-hypenated-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:920218be-d7a2-40d6-8d98-2093174ab1a5Post:c7cc725c-5c23-4473-b2da-38e82869b4be">Re: Re-Marriage Hypenated Name</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know how difficult/ expensive it would be but maybe you could all change your names. You could hyphenate the older boys to mom'smaiden-biodad's and your own to yourmaiden-newfi's. That way you would share the common bond of your maiden to your sons w/o having to carry the name of your ex-husband which would feel like a slight to your FI. However that may be difficult and expensive and not worth it. In that case, I agree with your FI. Your younger son has had a different name from you for this long, maybe it's the older boys' turn.
    Posted by superjules916[/QUOTE]

    Adding FI's name would probably be too confusing for the kids, my middle is Autistic and wouldn't understand in the least why I am changing his name at almost 10 years old, plus their biological father would need to "agree" and that's not gonna happen!

    But thanks for the suggestion!
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  • superjules916superjules916 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh I meant adding your maiden but I understand the difficulty with an autistic child.
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