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Second Weddings

To invite the ex...or not invite the ex.

FI  and his ex have an adorable dtr, who will be a flower girl in our wedding in early May.  His ex is getting married at the end of May.  They've started the preliminary talks about how to arrange drop off/pick up for the weddings.  We usually meet his ex Sunday evenings, which would be right after our wedding.  Silly me, I just assumed his parents would meet his ex on June 3rd.....but she's wanting to attend OUR wedding!  AND naturally assumes, that we will attend hers.   Just a little background - she's a *VERY* emotional woman, who loves to be in the spotlight....she talks loud, she laughs loud, she cries loud (she cries A LOT), she gets "sick" often.....  *sigh* It's exhausting watching her!  (FI, his ex, and I worked together 10+ years ago, and she hasn't changed a bit from being a teenager!)So....what do I do?  I've never liked this woman, and were she not future step-dtr's mom would never in a million years want her anywhere near my wedding....but she is future step-dtr's mom and I want to maintain a friendly-in-front-of-the-kid-only relationship.  FI is not very helpful.  He would prefer her not be there, but wants to avoid any drama.  My family and friends are split....
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Re: To invite the ex...or not invite the ex.

  • Invite her.

    I might not be popular in this decision, but I am sure you won't even notice her there with all the other things you will be doing, enjoying. In the long run it is amazing for the children if they can truely see all people involved in their lives sincerely get along and enjoy one and others company. I realize you may not like her, but the fact is her parents (your FI and her mom) will forever be connected.
  • I agree to invite her.  This may be her way of making peace with the two of you.  If there is a problem, you can ask her to leave and have the In-Laws drop the daughter off afterward.
  • edited March 2012
    I know I would want to watch my daughter walk down the aisle as the flower girl and partake in the activities.  Besides if mom is there you don't have to worry about watching her at the reception.  Hopefully, mom knows how to behave and if not, a member of FI's family can ask her to leave.  Maybe a good idea to have the flower girl leave early anyway at that age.  I agree that it could leave a lasting good impression on the girl.
    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers image
  • Invite her. I was not invited to my ex's wedding where our children were his best man and MOH. They even gave speeches at the reception.  I would have loved seeing my kids all dressed up but I wasn't even shown a picture. I had to rely on mutual friends to tell me how cute they looked and how well they did.
  • My opinion differs. You don't say in your post how old your future step-daughter is. She's a flower girl, so I assume youngish.

    My recommendation is to invite the ex to the ceremony ONLY (not an option on your poll). This way she sees her daughter as she acts the part of the flower girl. If you are taking pictures after the ceremony, she can wait while you do this, then take her home. Our flower girl (my hubby's granddaughter) left with her dad after the ceremony (we did a "first look" and took all posed pictures before the ceremony).

    I agree you will be busy while you are celebrating and probably won't notice the ex being there. However, you also don't like her, and if she were not the mother of your future step daughter, you would not have her there.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
  • While the votes favor not inviting her, the comments favor inviting her. 
    I voted not to invite her, and I am not swayed by the comments.  I think that if you were amiable, and got along, and had worked out a mature relationship, it would be fine to invite her.  If you are not there, then she doesn't belong there.

    You said you don't want her there and neither does your Fi.  I am 100% against inviting people to the wedding that neither of you want there.  It would seem that you are inviting her because SHE wants to be there.  To me that feels like you are being manipulated. 

    I think you can probably find a way to let her see her daughter all dressed up without being at the wedding. 

    There are going to be many paternal family events in the upcoming years that her daughter will  participate in that she will not be part of.  I think setting a precedent today that if the daughter is involved she is entitled to be as well is a bad idea.  Both parents will be moving on to different families, of which only the child will be part of both.  A kind, gentle explanation of how this works, and of how she now has 2 circles of family that intersect, but are not the same, will be part of the healing & healthy approach to living her life that her parents are responsible for giving her.  ~Donna
  • Debbie - I completely agree!! I would add that just because she's inviting you to her wedding doesn't mean that you need to attend. You can RSVP as not attending.

    In my situation, my EX flat out asked us if he was invited to the wedding. My FI and I answered NO, since we felt that it was an invitation for a scene at the wedding. Alcohol brings out the worst in people. I found out later on from my daughter that the only reason he wanted to attend was for the FREE food and beer. Made me glad we made the decision we did.

    Have the FIL meet her after the wedding!
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    image 152 Invited!
    image 104 Are ready to celebrate with us!
    image 44 Will be missing out!
    image 4 Are making us wait for the RSVP!

    RSVP Date - 6/15
  • I have to fully agree with right1thistime. I believe that by allowing her to attend the event, when neither you nor FI want her in attendance, is allowing her to manipulate you and also setting precedence for future events. And as an ex-wife, mother of 3 and future SM of 4, I cannot imagine my ex-husband or FI's ex-wife inviting us to their weddings nor would I expect to attend, not because of bad feelings harbored towards them but because those are THEIR special days and should be shared with THEIR friends and family. And, although we are forever connected by children, we are no longer friends nor family. And I also believe that it could be potentially inviting disaster at the wedding. If she truly is an attention getting, emotional individual if things do get out of hand and you, your FI or someone from the family ask her to leave can you imagine the potential additional scene that could cause? And if that was to occur can you imagine the potential things that could be said by her to daughter about getting "kicked out of your father's wedding." 

    As a mother, yes, I am entitled to be a part of my children's lives and their special events. However, this wedding is not your future step-daughter's special event, it is you and your FI's special event that she is attending and taking part in. I understand kidlets2 having sad feelings related to not being able to see her children dressed up, etc so I suggest this: Explain to the ex wife that, although FIL will be meeting her with the child, you want to make sure that daughter has lasting memories that she can share with her mother and her future step family on mother's side, and you will have the photographer take many photos of daughter and will have them put into a memory book for them so she can see how beautiful her daughter is and you'd love to see photos of daughter from her mom's wedding. And to make it even more special it could be something you and your step daughter could make together for her to take to her "other home". FI and I plan to have all of our 7 children involved in our wedding, if they wish to be, and I fully intend to provide photos to my ex and his parents so they can see them dressed up. 

    And my final thought is the fact that if my FI's ex-wife came to our wedding and even stayed quiet in the background (highly doubtful as she has a personality that mirror's your FI's ex), I would know that she was there. And honestly, as well of a "positive in front of the children" relationship we have, I am on edge and tense from the moment we are near each other until after she is gone. I cannot imagine having to have that on my mind on my wedding day along with the other stressful thoughts that can weigh on a bride's mind. 



  • If she truly is an attention getting, emotional individual if things do get out of hand and you, your FI or someone from the family ask her to leave can you imagine the potential additional scene that could cause? And if that was to occur can you imagine the potential things that could be said by her to daughter about getting "kicked out of your father's wedding." 

    Posted by my3mokeyskek

    This is exactly what I'm afraid will happen.  I'm worried that if Little Princess (Future Step D's Nickname) even sees her DramaMama crying, she'll get the idea that her papa and I are doin somethin wrong. I don't wanna have to fix that. I'm crazy about LP and I know that there will be a ton of pictures of LP and LP and I have already planned to scrapbook her own special ablum to take home.  I'm planning on making that album heavy on solo photos of her, her with her friends, her with her Papa, her with Papa's family...etc...and very few of me (just outta respect for DramaMama).

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  • I'm a little different, my FI's ex just has boundry issues. She wanted to go to the wedding and stated before "she would just crash it" if she wasn't invited. We used to be friendly, but I take issue with a lot of the things she does and have backed off recently. I made FI bite the bullet and talk to her about not coming. She supposedly took it well, but who really knows. She's not coming, and I haven't gotten any hate mail, so it couldn't be all that bad.
  • I say don't invite her.  From what I gathered from your post she is an attention hound and is just looking to steal your spotlight during your and your FI's special day.  I would have your FIL's arrange to have her dropped off with her.  And why would you want someone at your wedding that you or your FI don't like anyway. 

    I had to have a similar conversation with my ex.  He remarried last August and told me that I was invited, but would appreciate if I didn't show up because his mother hates me because I left her son.  Well with my upcoming nuptuals quickly approaching, my ex asked me if he was invited to my wedding so that he could see our boys all dressed up in tux's.  I told him that I really didn't think that it was appropriate for the ex to be at the wedding or the reception and that it would make mutual friends and my family very uncomfortable.  Plus he doesn't exactly know how to behave himself in public. 
    image 141 Are ready to party!
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