grrrrr! DH vent, and a poll

right1thistime

(aka validate me)

backstory:  DH and I commute almost an hour in different directions for work.  Daily he asks me to phone him to let him know when I will be home.  Both of our schedules change daily.  I phone, every damn day.
Yesterday, he is working very late.  Expected to be home by 9:30 pm, at 1045 I have been worrying for a while. (NOTE -9:30 pm is about the time we usually go to bed, due to getting up early in the AM)   Start calling.  Reach him & he's almost home.  I am ticked off, since that means he was on the road close to the time he could expect me to be heading to bed, and he didn't bother to call me to tell me he was just leaving.  With that info, I would have gone to bed & not worried.

He's astonished that I am so upset.  We stay up and argue for hours.  His answer: you didn't ask me to call.  I think he should have called as a courtesy without being asked.  He thinks I am asking him to read my mind .  I am cranky & tired & still ticked off.  What do you say?

xobride

I think you have every right to be upset and I honestly can't say that I would have handled it much better, but here's a totally unbiased look.  Men are wired differently.  They think they're bloody invincible.  In his mind, he wasn't worried so why should you be?  On the flip side, if the roles had been reversed, he would have been all up in your business if you were 2 hours late and didn't call.  Why?  Because you're a girl, plain and simple. 

What do you do now?  I would explain it to him sort of like this:  "Honey (or jackass, whichever mood you're in), you know how you always want me to call you so you'll know when I'll be home?  Why is that?"  He'll think with a slight caveman expression and then say that it's because he worries and wants you to be safe, etc.  "Well, yesterday when you didn't call and 2 hours had gone by since I thought you'd be home, I was worried.  I thought you might have been in an accident and I was terrified at the thought of losing you.  Next time, will you please call me so I know you're OK?"  He'll then make some non-committal grunt or maybe he'll swoop you up in his arms and plant one on you and say he's sorry. (I'm rooting for the latter)

The next time it happens, if he doesn't call, just call or text him sooner.  I wouldn't wait 2 hours, give him 30-45 minutes in case traffic is really bad and then check-in with him.  It sounds like you're a worrier like me and I've learned that I can either worry or I can do something to assuage my fears. 

mdeidre

I understand your frustration but he does not and will not because he is a man.  In his mind, he has to look out for you, so it makes sense for him to worry if you are out late so he has asked you to call.  He doesn't see the connection that since he expects for you to call then you would expect him to call you as you are not expected to look out for him since he is a MAN (said with caveman accent and thumping his chest) and can fend for himself. 

I have had this conversation with FI and the only way to stop it from being an argument is to through out what has happened in the past and just ask him if from now on he will call you when he's going to be late.

mdeidre

Lol, XO, I hadn't read your response before I typed mine, there we go thinking alike again with the caveman part!

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_grrrrr-dh-vent-and-a-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:ab5b559e-7891-4a56-ad29-02c81d20f35bPost:cf356834-8dfb-49ea-bf07-ad31c5259ef0">Re: grrrrr! DH vent, and a poll</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand your frustration but he does not and will not because he is a man.  In his mind, he has to look out for you, so it makes sense for him to worry if you are out late so he has asked you to call.  He doesn't see the connection that since he expects for you to call then you would expect him to call you as you are not expected to look out for him since he is a MAN (said with caveman accent and thumping his chest) and can fend for himself.  I have had this conversation with FI and the only way to stop it from being an argument is to through out what has happened in the past and just ask him if from now on he will call you when he's going to be late.
Posted by mdeidre[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think this is a little unfair. Not all men are hardwired this way.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's fair to throw out what has happened up to this point, as nothing in the past can be changed.  But maybe come to an agreement that if either of you are running late (say, more than about 30 minutes late by the time you leave work), you will call or text.   If you're already on the road and run into traffic, there's not much you can do -- I mean maybe you could call if you assess that it's safe to do so.</div><div>
</div><div>I work a weird schedule, and it changes every day.   SOMETIMES I am able to predict what time I'll be home, and sometimes I'm not.  Our standing agreement is that if my guess is more than 30 minutes off, I'll text/call as soon as I can after I know I'll be late (sometimes I can't call/text right away), and at the very least I'll let him know when I'm on my way home.

</div>

right1thistime

DH is cell phone challenged.  As in...doesn't carry it, turn it on or know how to text.  By the way, this is by choice, the man has a dang ivy league degree.   So the fact that he answered last night is somewhat of a miracle.

MikesAngie

We have a rule, either I get an IM when he is leaving work - or a call and the same goes for me (except I'm still not working).  We live in a rural farming community but accidents with farm equipment happen. 

The XH thought I was retarded for calling  him when I was walking to my car in down town Seattle (I had to park in a dangerous area - because it was the cheapest parking I could find). He also thought it was silly of me to call when traffic was horrific to tell him I was on my way but would be later than expected (some times it took me 2 hours to drive 19 miles).  That should have been my first clue that he just really didn't care about me.  

I am one that believes in being safe and cautious - and that is how my DH is too.  When we were doing the long distance thing I would call him when I was leaving work and when I got to my roomy's house - he did the same thing.  

So not all men are "cavemen" and sometimes it just takes making something a rule, especially if it is something that will keep you from worrying. 

mdeidre

The caveman thing was kind of a tongue-in-cheek thing, ladies, meant to be more of a joke than anything else.

Sue-n-Kevin

I do agree most men are wired differently. I also think it's because women are the worriers, men just make great excuses in their head so they don't worry. Then of course there is my father: we don't tell him anything bad because he worries 10 times more than the entire family combined.

I'd have the nice discussion that xobride posted. I'll go out on a limb and say he'll more than likely never worry you again with any lack of communication. I've actually had to have this discussion with my daughter (I call it "training"), where she says she'll let me know if she's running later than the anticipated 10 pm school night curfew.........then she's not home. I don't dare text her while she may be on the road, so I call. Usually it's because she's in a very involved conversation with the friend she's visiting, and just forgot the time. But she IS getting better, so I think the "training" is working.

Good luck.

Lisa50

You are hereby validated.  He should have called you as a courtesy.  He knows it, even if he's not acting like it. *stomps foot and walks away*

Marrin713

H can be a worrier at times, and he is excellent about keeping in contact.  His entire business is predicated on being on time or keeping in communication so he really is good about it.  Me?  Not so much.

handfast4me

Uh, yeah, no caveman excuse. 

DH and I regularly text or call one another when we leave work. We usually leave around the same time, and arrive home a few minutes with one another (we come from different directions, too)    It's sort of a rule for us.  I'm a worrier, and he only worries about me.  And actually, even though I have called him when I'm on my way, there have been a couple of times when I've gotten stuck in traffic and he will call me to see if I'm OK.   (I try not to make calls while driving, because I don't feel safe doing it, and texting is illegal in my state.)  My DH is also cell phone challenged, even though he frickin is a graphic designer, which means he uses all these really cool and whater's latest computer programming for his work!  Blah!   

I would suggest that you BOTH have this is a standing rule.  There used to be a saying in the military:  spend a dime, save a marriage.   For those of you who don't remember pay phones, what that means is that you call home, and that alerts whoever it is to get the frick out of the bed with whomever for when the spouse gets home.   It works.  For whatever reason. 

right1thistime

rofl handfast--  I wasn't trying to get OUT of bed, though, but rather to get IN (to sleep-only).  

Melissa.hylton

I might be the only one but your being a bit over the top. Sometimes people just want to get home and forget the the call. FI does it time to time. I dont worry until he isnt home past a certain hour. He works nights so if he isnt home by 12:30am something is wrong. Relax on keeping tabs. 

serenity5689

my husband is a truck driver and usually out all week and home on Tuesdays. Last week he decided to take another load and stay on the road without taking his 34 hour weekly break, and yet he didnt bother to tell me. 

Yea, Im required to answer him at all time and let him know where I am at and with whom but he doesnt even bother to let me know if he is coming home at his scheduled days off, much less let me know if he decides to only take 10 hours instead of 34.

Yea, I know how you feel and yea i have blown FUSES with him over it but still he strugs it off. We are women, they are men, they think we are weak and they are strong. They think we are a target while they are not. So therefore, we must have eyes on us 24/7 while they dont. I dont think that will change, no matter how many  blow ups we get.