Gifts for his kids at the wedding?

crazynlove2011

So my FI and I are eloping to vegas with his kids next August. They will know probably the night before. They know we are doing a "family vacation" and we do one a year anyway so nothing unusual with that. Renting a beautiful house, planning some shoes with kids, and a fabulous wedding. Yes, they will both have wedding appropriate clothes. The little girl(will be 11) will have some dresses for a "nice dinner"  that I will get fitted for her next summer. The boy, who will be 18 and graduating, is getting a tailored suit as part of a "graduation present". They will be told by these "Vegas" boxes that have all kinds of Vegas stuff in theme from peace cranes, stuffed animals for the girl, Zippo lighters for the boy from Vegas, a special personalized invite for both, etc.

So that's the background.and yes, the kids know we will be getting married at some point. So here's the question.  We also want to give each of the kids something special on our wedding day. So who should it come from-me or both of us or should he get something for them as well? The current plan is a money clip or cuff links for the boy and a personalized bracelet that has a tiny bird on it (her nickname from her dad is "bird" since she is so small). So should the kids get presents from us as a group, just me or one from me and one from their dad? Is there etiquette for this? 

Thanks.

blush64

They sound like nice gifts, I'm not sure if there's a right way to give them the gifts.

I would make sure they are really fine with the wedding. Although they know you are getting married at some point, it's important for them to be able to prepare. At some point might seem really far away for them. Unless they realize some point is really close, then you're good.

Sue-n-Kevin

It sounds as though you have put a lot of thought into this. However, I personally am against "surprises" when it comes to something like this. While you and your fiance may have spent a long time together, and you have a great relationship with them and their dad, I just have a hard time believing that in every case the response from the kids is "wow, cool, we are so happy for you".

My personal experience: My ex got married about 8 years ago. Our daughter stood up in the wedding. My ex's wife is the "wicked witch" and my daughter hates her with white-hot passion. I waited about 8 years after he left before I dated. I dated my fiance for 4 years (almost to the day) before our wedding. It was not until about the last year before the wedding that my daughter admitted he was a great guy and she could accept him into our lives. She was so afraid my marriage would be a repeat of her dad's and Kevin would not be the sweet man he appeared to be. This is a wedding SHE KNEW ABOUT.

You have a very long time before the wedding in Vegas. I'd probably along the way get more and more wedding talk "out there", explaining that this is your plan, and making sure they can talk to their dad freely about their feelings before telling them the night before. You sound very accepting and compassionate, so I don't doubt you have their best interests at heart. But I don't think it should be a surprise to them. It might set the wrong tone about your future together, that includes them.

As for the gifts, they sound fine. I always had it in my head we'd present our combined kids with a claddagh ring, the Irish ring with a heart held by 2 hands... pretty much representing us holding their hearts going forward. We still might do it someday, since 2 of his kids couldn't attend due to other issues unrelated to the wedding.

Good luck.

crazynlove2011

Thanks for the thoughts. We would love to tell them about the specifics of it all but we are unfortunately not able to. Some back history-the 18 yr old lives with us full -time (his father has full custody and had had it since he was 3. (FYI in michigan, fathers are awarded full custody approx 1% of the time) He shares custody with the 11yr old's mother so she is with us part time-considered joint. One year ago, we were planning a large Halloween party with the little girl and all our friends and family. Less than a week before the party, the little girl's mother called Child Protective Services on us and accused us of every form of child abuse under the sun (yes, physical, emotional, sexual.. there were four pages of allegations). Her father (and all of us) were allowed no contact with the little girl for two months so the Halloween party was not the same without her (we had all our friends bringing their kids for her to play with but no little girl-it was not fun). He wasn't even allowed to talk to her until the investigation was completed. Mind you, I am a child nurse and he is in nursing school (former firefighter/cop). We have no crimes, not even traffic tickets. Yet, we still had to wait 2 months (got to see her right before Christmas) before we were cleared of every single charge. Having CPS at your house examining every part of your house (including bedrooms) and life is brutal, especially when you know every claim is false. Even CPS stated during our interview that it was obvious the claims were false and the little girl couldn't remember any of them until her mom came in and said "Did you tell them what (my name) did? Did you tell them how your dad did(x,y,z)? Anyway, we were cleared of everything and the little girl was supposed to be in couseling. Since the mom didn't take her, we do family counseling with her. However, we had family plans at Easter and her birthday (both which were disrupted). This is nothing new-this is the mother who refused to allow the father to see his daughter for 7 weeks during the divorce proceedings until there was a court order and police enforced. Yep, it is that bad. 

However, we have vowed that we will no allow the little girl to know specifics because being little, we know it would be too hard for her to keep it a secret from her mom, especially knowing the date in advance. However Sue you make a great point about discussing it in the open. I think maybe the best setting would be to discuss it with her counselor. We love her counselor/therapist-she has helped to strength my relationship with the little girl. She spends most of the time with the little girl alone and then some with her and her dad and then some with us as a group. So maybe that is the part to start discussing it more openly. I think we will try to talk about it as a possibility next summer without a date given. 

We are planning the Vegas trip more as a family vacation versus just our wedding. The kids will see their favorite magician, etc.  

Thanks for the feedback Sue and blush. It will make me think a little more about all of it. I do sincerely appreciate that.