Ideas for a "family" ceremony?

HappyMOH77

I have to agree with Donna on this.  I also STRONGLY aggree with the poster who said if you decide to do something you should promise to the kids but ABSOLUTLY don't have them promise to you.  It is a pretty significant power imbalance.  It is not that I think family ceremony's are creepy but as a child of divorced parents I would have gone along as a kid but I think I would have regretted it and felt uncomfortable about it.  I have a step mother who has always tried to tell me call me mommy diane or other things more family like that frankly always made me feel uncomfortable and like she was treading on my real/biological mother.  As a kid this put me in a horrible position.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I was uncomfortable.  I think your heart is in the right place and you want to be a good step mother.  That is wonderful and that love will come through in your relationship and how you treat her.  This board has some great advice but I would call in a professional and talk to them about this.  There are a lot of studies that show a variety of impacts of blended families on kids and kids don't always tell parents what they are thinking or feeling.  Sometimes it is better to talk to a family counselor to make sure everyone is on track and the family has the tools to deal with issues that might arise in a blended family.  After all an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  If you are marring in a church the pastor may have made you and your FH go to premarital counseling, well if your family includes more than the 2 of you maybe everyone should have to opportunity to talk about how they feel with someone who is "safe" and outside the family.  I don't say this becasue I think there is a problem in your family infact it is most sucessful when you go before the problem arises.  Every family is unique and I am sure you will make the right choice for yours.

HappyMOH77

I did not see that you had made your decision and posted as much when I posted or I would have refrained from adding to a completed thread.  I am sure it will be beautiful and your future step daughter is excited.  Good Luck!

teachercolleen2185

My FI and I are going into each of our second marriages. He has two children, his son will be almost 9, and his daughter will be almost 5 at the wedding. We are including both of the kids in the ceremony (ring bearer and flower girl), and they were there when FI proposed. I would not have had it any other way. The kids' mom is still in the picture, but they do spend a lot more time with us. I have been including them in the process of planning, so that they feel they are involved. If it was up to them, we would have gotten married right away!
Thanks for all the suggestions on how to include children. I didn't want to do a unity candle, but I think the sand is a really neat way to include all four of us, as we join together.

hoytbride

OP - I'm so glad you were able to find an appropriate balance for your family!

I was shocked when we started discussing our details that my kids (7 and 8) were very curious and just this past weekend came to SO and I and asked..."What about us? What do we get to do?" After researching ideas, them picking out what they wanted to do and speaking with their father we were also able to find what best suited our family, but absolutely, it can be a tough thing to navigate.

We didn't want to put the kids up to vows because at their age they're not going to understand the ramifications behind such promises anyway and it would likely come across robotic but they very much *wanted* to be a part of the ceremony, so why not? They will walk down the isle together right before me, my daughter will be standing behind me, my son behind him, and we will all be doing a unity sand ceremony after we read our own vows. The officiant will explain what we're doing so as to relieve any pressure they might feel in front of all of our guests to actually speak.


I'd never presume to tell someone else that they should or shouldn't do this that or the other in THEIR wedding ceremony. I don't let my own mother influence my decisions about things like colors...so why would I let strangers? Ask my kids, they'd tell anyone this was their decision, and their opinion on the matter is the only one that should matter.

ggraves4462

We have decided to do a family unity candle. My kids adore my fiance and since he doesn't have any of his own HE came up with this idea. We went to Hobby Lobby and all selected different colors of wax(it comes in bags like sand). We got a wick and a gorgeous glass vase to hold the candle. Instead of lighting a unity candle or doing the sand, we are all going to pour our wax into the vase together and then he and I will light it. That to us will simbolize our family becoming one.

cynamont138

Keep it short.  Make sure she and her mother are ok w/it first.  Then you can turn to her and pledge a vow...look online I found one for my future stepson that was like 3 sentences.

Another thing you can do is a sand ceremony instead of a unity candle.  I've seen them where the parents and one child have poured the sand in together.    Again...use google. 

But yeah, good idea just make sure she and her mother are ok w/it.  You don't want your wedding to cause trouble between you and the ex.

Smithkk

For my first wedding we had a similar situation. There is a cite that has necklaces, bracelets, and ceremony ideas we used. It is call Family Unity. It has 3 rings. We did it following all of the ceremony except the kiss and then had our son step down.
MANY said it was the amazing and brought tears to their eyes. It is a wonderful gesture! And my friends did not think it took away from our ceremony or day!

Do what is right for you! And best of luck!!!! 

JHBarker

I haven't had time to read all of the responses but I have a 5year old son from a previous marriage and he is going to walk me up, we are going to give eachother into my fiance's keeping and then my son will sit down with his MeMe' for the rest of the service.  Good luck, and remember, it's your day, do what feel right to YOU, not everyone else.  Learned that the hard way around the first time, trust me!! 

cootybug2010

I have seen people write vows that you and your hubby to be say to her that show you are not marrying eachother but her to.

mom60872

Just my 2 cents.... I am getting married in July and between the 2 of us we have 5 kids and 3 of them are grown. We have been looking at a family pendant to unite the family as one and the pastor will be having the kids say I will to a vow of basic acknowledgement of the blending of the family but that is all. We will be giving the pendants to the kids during the ceremony and we have not spoken to them yet. I really think that the most important thing is to do what you feel would be the most special for the little girl. My sons will be giving me away along with my father and his kids will be escorting him down the isle but none of them will be standing up for us. Our invitations have the kids requesting guests to come to the wedding instead of parents or ourselves. COnsidering that blended families are so popular now I think that doing this is important. Kids may or may not want to accept the fact that there is a new family but they may feel more special if they are included in it somehow.

tracypas was

In Response to <a href="http://second.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_ideas-family-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2336294-a5de-4a33-b02a-b817c03d5e2ePost:c7382096-13e8-4e57-b7a7-97ab7e9d641f">Re: Ideas for a "family" ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ideas for a "family" ceremony? : I didn't check line by line, but the MAJORITY of us have children and have or will experience a second wedding.  Our children have or will experience it with us.  HOWEVER, I would not go so far to say that I expereinced a second marriage with my children.  Perhaps that is simply semantics.  My children had their own, independent experience of my second marriage.  But my marriage is certainly and simply  between DH and I.  The children  are our family.  We are their parents.  For some of the roughest parts of their adolescence, they refused to acknowledge DH as their stepfather, they simply called him my husband.  And you know what?  That's fine, too.  Today, they both acknowedge him as their stepfather, and acknowledge that he loves them, and they him-- probably more so than their biological father.  Depending on where children are with their development (and what you plan based on today will be very different in however many months until your wedding), where they are in their healing regarding the breakup of their parents and who they are personally--means that this is NOT a one size fits all approach.  My distaste for family ceremonies does not condemn anyone who knows, in their own heart, with their own personal knoweldge of their chldren-- that this is a healing, or soothing, or fear allaying ceremony for the children.  I have an issue with #1) doing it for theatrics #2) feeling that you MUST do it, or that somehow some rule is violated if it is not done #3) or most importantly, doing it to soothe your own demons/fears/ wishful thinking, whatever.    Finally no ceremony truly bonds a blended family together.  I believe that those bonds grow over time, with patience, trust, love, discipline, trials &  tribulations, tears, laughter, consistency and have I mentioned patience?  By the time some get to the wedding, they are already there.  For others, they have a long way to go.  Neither is right or wrong.  Some will NEVER get there, no matter how many vows are said, flames lit, sand poured, seeds grown, cords tied, etc.  I think that both sides of the argument are important to hear and consider.  I would never want someone to feel like they have to or cannot include this type of ceremony.  ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

i recently went to a wedding where the grooms daughter simply stood between the couple and at the point where the vows started she simply took the adults hand and put them together; she then moved to the side. It was very moving and nothing had  to be said.

tracypas was

i recently went to a wedding where the grooms daughter simply stood between the couple and at the point where the vows started she simply took the adults hand and put them together; she then moved to the side. It was very moving and nothing had  to be said.

jbulmer4

I have two boys, ages 6 & 8 and they are both going to be ring bearers. We are also talking about adding them in the ceremony in some way but will be talking to them about it first. My FI will also be talking to the boys the night before. I say go with your heart - you know what is best for you and your family - every family and situation is different. Good Luck!

stina&brad

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_ideas-family-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2336294-a5de-4a33-b02a-b817c03d5e2ePost:ba16198b-6f35-40c6-9e30-62252e11af96">Ideas for a "family" ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in June. It will be my 1st and his 2nd. I will becoming step mother to a wonderful 7 year old girl. We want to incorporate her in the ceremony and after our vows have some sort of family vow. I have no idea if there is any time of vow the 3 of us could say. Does anyone have experience with this type of thing? Any ideas what to say? The only idea we currently have is after the vows we would give her some type of necklace as a symbol of our new family. Also after I dance with my dad she is going to dance with her dad. What other suggestions to make it a special day for the 3 of us? I am stumped so thank you for any ideas, suggestions, tips, etc!
Posted by cooper8759[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I love the idea of involving the kids- - yes this day is about the two of you, but when there are kids involved your marriage will be about them too. this is from our officiate and what we plan to use for our wedding... </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div><p style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;"><font face="Verdana" size="2">Often marriage is thought of as the joining of two people. In reality, marriage joins many lives. This is most apparent when the bride and/or groom have children. With children present, marriage becomes the proclaiming of a new family. And without a loving commitment to those children, a wedding ceremony is incomplete.</font></p><p style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;"><font face="Verdana" size="2">The presentation of a family medallion to a child is just one of many ways of honoring children during a ceremony. Speaking to them on bent knee while presenting the medallion, and assuring your love, gives them peace of mind as well. Their lives change with yours on wedding day. However the presenting of a family medallion or any other token is not a requirement for this option.</font></p><p style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;"><font face="Verdana" size="2">In the ceremony proper, a bride and groom take an oath of fidelity to each other (the exchange of vows). A similar oath can be taken with children as well known as a Parental Vow.</font></p><p style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;"><font face="Verdana" size="2">Let's say that the groom "Brian", is marrying "Sarah" who has two children whose names are Paige and Katie. In mid-ceremony, after exchanging vows and rings to each other and after the giving of roses to VIPs, I would ask that their children be brought before them.</font></p><p style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;"><font face="Verdana" size="2">I would now ask the bride and groom:</font></p><p style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;"> </p><p style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" align="center"><font face="Verdana" size="3">Do you Brian and Sarah
Promise To Honor And Protect Paige And Katie
And To Provide For Them To The Best Of Your Ability?

Do You Promise To Make Their Home A Haven
Where Trust, Love And Laughter Are Abundant?

And Do You Make These Promises Freely And From Your Heart
And Vow To Honor Them All The Days Of Your Lives?</font></p><p style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" align="center"><font face="Verdana" size="3">The couple responds together "<strong>We Do</strong>", and embraces their children.</font></p></div>

stina&brad

With what I posted above..

I feel that doing the parental vows is good because you go over your vows, ring exchange and everything separate, as just the two of you, and then the vows to them are honest - and simple- when you join in marriage there is absolutely nothing bad to be seen about the two of your promising to take care of the kids (or kid) together.  I think it is very nice, and not creepy at all since it doesnt require the kids themselves to VOW anything to him or you

Kimba2121

Had she asked their opinion regarding blended family ceremonies, that would be fine, but I believe as they are allowed to express their dislike I am also allowed to express my distaste and support of the idea.

geekjennt

I have a five year old daughter (she'll be six at the time of the wedding) and we are including her in a portion of the wedding.

90% of the wedding will be about my FH and I exchanging our vows, professing our love publicly and accepting a symbol of our dedication to one another. However at the very end, just before the "You may kiss the bride" bit, we will be doing a bell ceremony.

Each of us will have a handbell in a different pitch, each pitch within the same chord. (C, E, G) When rung individually it has its own uinque tone and value. Ringing all three together does not change the value of the one but all three are made more beautiful by the presence of the other two, the tones richer and more fulfilling. The same happens when a family grows. We are the same people made better by the family who loves and supports us. We are making a new family and it's important to acknowledge that.

Yes, the wedding and the marriage are about my FH and I but it seems wrong to ignore that my choice directly affects my daughter. We want to give her a role in the wedding as she will play a role in our marriage. And it will be after we have made our promises to one another and shared that moment between the two of us. 

(PS: The bells will continue if we are lucky enough to have more children. Each baby we have will get their own bell in the chord.)

TaRisha2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_ideas-family-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2336294-a5de-4a33-b02a-b817c03d5e2ePost:021e9ff4-a920-4266-8684-06aa924676e7">Re: Ideas for a "family" ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]My husbands daughter will be 4 when we marry and I am saying my own vows to her, she is doing the sand with us in a coordinating color, she is wearing the same dress as me and walking right behind me as the 2nd bride, she will get a ring as well when we do, and all vows will be said in a circle holding hands to symbolize the ring/never ending circle. Best wishes and go with your heart!
Posted by Denise8396[/QUOTE]
Aww I love that Idea!

TaRisha2012

Well my FI and I both have children from our previous marriages. I love the positive advice that was given and I have taken some mental notes for our day. I know I don't want a long wedding I just want to party our behinds off with the kids! They both are SUPER excited! I can hear my son saying "Okay now can I have a baby" Nevertheless, I'm so excited to blend our family together! 

right1thistime

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@KnotPorscha

redneckjuliet

I know this post is quite old now, but I agree with those that say including the children in the vows is a bit odd and weird. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and my FI has none. If their dad was not in the picture, then maybe, but he is and it seems not right to me to add them to vows that signify my uniting my life and love to one man for the rest of my life and essentially ask them to do the same. It almost seems like you are asking them to make this their family and not their dads. 

So, why not do a special toast at the reception (if kids are allowed) or make a special thing of it at the morning after brunch or even at the rehearsal dinner. This way, they feel included and loved all around. 

Regardless what you choose, it is your special day and if this is something YOU want to include in your ceremony, then do it! Don't let the opinions of other deter you or you may end up regretting it. 

Jstump2

 

Hollykathleenr

I would give her something before the ceremony and if she wants be in the wedding party but I wouldn't do any family vows.

Especially if her mother is in the picture. To me that would make it seem as if you were trying to "replace" her mother. I could tell you for a fact if my daughter's father ever got remarried and I found out he did this I would be extremely hurt by this. I am her mother, and while a step mother can be a great person to have as another trusting adult to have around, the fact remains she has a mother. Trust me you do not want to come across as trying to replace her mother and that's what to me family vows come across as. Others attending your wedding my even fill the same, chances are someone there knows the other parent.

We will be doing something in private for both of my daughters, one her father is still in the picture and the other her father is not. Either way myself and FI do not want them to feel as if he is trying to "replace" their fathers. So give her a necklace in private if you want and let her be in the wedding party but I would leave it at that.

shaylagirl

When we got married in October, we felt we wanted to include our sons in our ceremony in some fashion.

The Pastor simply made mention that today was as much about joining two lives as it was about joining two families.  He then asked our sons to join us at the alter where DH presented my son with a nice watch, and I presented SS with a nice watch. 

That was pretty much it.  Nothing overblown, nothing really to impede our own commitment to one another, but as a way to acknowledge that this was a day to celebrate making our two families one.

It was kind of cute; when I gave SS his watch (he was 11), he looked up and said "Is this really mine?  I can keep it?  THANKS!"