FI's second marriage, my first

smilecrazy8

Not sure if there are any other posts about this, but I didn't really know what to look for. So my FI has been married and is avoiding anything that could possibly resemble his last wedding. I'm totally OK with that but where is the line? How much do I avoid and change just because he has done it before? One good thing is making decisions with him (ie cake tastings, visiting receptions halls, gift registries and just general decisions) are all things he's never done! Also, what else might he be going through his head so I can honor and respect him during this time? I'm deathly afraid people from his family or friends won't come just because they have already "done that for him." Will they just think of me as "one of the them" instead of his one and only beloved? I just don't want him to be hurt and I know I shouldn't care what people think of me but its so hard not to! Any suggestions are much appreciated!

Thanks!

melissamc2

I'm the one who has been married before (twice before, in fact) in our situation.  I'm just trying to avoid looking like I just do the same thing every time, you know?  I want it to be "US unique," and it very much so is. 

People who are truly a part of his life, care about him, and want him to be happy will go to another wedding.  Don't worry about that.  If it helps you feel any better, the people who judge subsequent marriages judge far more harshly when it's the woman who is on her second, or third, or what have you.

Just keep planning the way you two want it.  Trust him to voice objections to anything that he doesn't feel comfortable with.

Congratulations!

Marrin713

Ask him - just ask what it is he wants to avoid at all costs as far as traditions or whatever at the ceremony and reception.  Then if they are things that you feel strongly that you want, then you need to really talk about it.

And those who love you both will come whether it's your first, second, or fifth (okay-maybe by the 5th they'd be a little tired of it

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome Smilecrazy.

I agree with Marrin, ask him what he wants to avoid. Or discuss topic by topic, ie ceremony site, vows, colors, bridal party, reception venue, you get the drift. I don't have this particular issue because this is my first wedding, but my fiance's third. He never did have a formal wedding though, so he's on board with whatever I want.

Also, don't stress too much about what others think. Everyone looks at life from their own perspective, and most often  this is not something you can change. Plan a wedding that you both want to represent what YOU feel, and if other people have differing opinions, pffffffftt to them.

Good luck.

MikesAngie

Welcome Smilecrazy and congratulations!!

Planning a wedding (any wedding) can be difficult but REMEMBER that this is YOUR day to celebrate YOUR LOVE and hopefully lifetime committment to EACH OTHER. 

So as Marrin and Sue-N-Kevin have stated make it your day, your way and consult your FI on everything thing and compromise where necessary it's his day as much as yours.  Do not let what other people think or want come into play, this day is about you and your FI, and you are allowing key people to celebrate with you.

BransonsBecca

Hello!

I am in the same boat, sort of. This is my first wedding, and my FI's second. He is pretty laid back, but I am the one who doesn't want anything like his first wedding. I am paranoud about him being reminded of his first wedding, although I know he wouldn't see it in that way. I feel that at times, this has made the wedding process more stressful. Is the cake going to taste the same? Are the flowers the same? Music? Is my hair going to look the same? Good grief I am driving myself nuts right now! My FI is pretty understanding about the issue, there is a 15 year difference between us, he is older, and understands that marrying someone who has already been married is something I have never encountered before in my life! He is patient, so I consider myself lucky.

When I think about our wedding, and envision it in my head, this wedding is going to be US. People will come and think... "this is soooo them!" That helps me out at times. And as for people coming for the second time around- the people that show up will be the people you really want to be there, the people that really do care. I'm nervous about that as well, so is my FI, but, in the end, we try to think light about it- that's less people- and more money we can save on food and favors!

thealphabride

Welcome to the board, I agree with Marrin and Sue. Ask him.
Keep it what you both want and don't worry about people not coming, if they care for you they will come.
Great luck to you keep us posted on your plans.

latashaphillips81

hi! i was just about to post this exact question!  and the reason being is because his aunt raised all kind of H-E-double hockey sticks about not getting an invite (when they hadnt even went out at that point)

Well, we finally sent the invites out and she declined! it bothered me a little b/c i felt she was declining due to it being his second wedding (becasue she sent him a really long email explaining how she was hurt and felt she was being left out and wanted an invite because it was something big and special happening in his life)

My FI is really laid back about the whole thing and just said not to worry about other people b/c the only thing that matters is i am getting the husband and wedding i want!

hth (sorry so long and didnt mean to steal your post )

Britt1406

This is actually my 2nd marriage and Fi's first. I've always been the private/small/destination type and I didn't get that for my first wedding (ex-H was an only child and had to have a big wedding, blah blah blah). With the 2nd wedding, Fi and are are compromising. He didn't really care if we had a big ceremony and was fine with it just being immediate family, he just wanted all his family/friends at the reception.

Going through the whole planning process, yes- I think back to my first wedding, but it's not something I can just pretend like it never exsisted. I actually use some lessons learned from that to help with planning this one. There are certain songs that I will avoid at this wedding, but a lot of my friends are still my friends. They will be invited and if they choose not to come, so be it (but I really don't think they will decline).

Your family & friends (and his) just want you to be happy, don't worry about what others think!

smilecrazy8

Thanks so much everyone. This really helps a lot! We have talked about it some and there are some things we won't do (ie their first dance song will be on the do-not-play list) but he's also becoming more understanding of my place too- not everything HAS to be different. It's neat because the whole process is really forcing us to talk about some tough topics and I think its not only building character in each of us but helping us grow together! It's amazing how sometimes those things can happen :-). There is a greater plan after all :-)