Feeling Overlooked

CoffeeKid

In 2003 my now ex-husband and I eloped, with my parents as the only witnesses.  We divorced in 2007, and I am incredibly blessed to be marrying an amazing guy in May.  It's his first marriage.

I'm frustrated because a lot of the people around me are being really non-responsive.  Mom doesn't want to throw me a shower, and some cousins have mentioned throwing me a shower, but no one has made any real plans.  My MOH has yet to lift a finger to organize a bachellorette party (even though, as her MOH last year, I did ALL the MOH jobs, plus the jobs of the Best Man, because he was incompetent). 

This may not be my first marriage, but it's my first wedding, and I feel like it is really something to celebrate.  My ex is an absolutely terrible person (physically and psychologically abusive to our two children...the police got invovled), and I just wish I was getting a little more enthusiasm from those around me.

FH family on the other hand, have been AWESOME! So, I guess I am lucky in that regard...

Am I completely bonkers here and getting upset about nothing?  It's not like I am going bridezilla on anyone, it just makes me irritated and hurts my feelings a bit.

thealphabride

No you are not bonkers!!! I understand why you are feeling this way. I secretly wanted a shower but didn't expect one. My sisters are throwing me a shower.

My best friend who is not in our wedding, is giving me a bachelorette party which I thought was quite generous. Just a few close girlfriends getting together at their beach property for one day and night.  

Remember no one is as excited about your wedding as you are. It would be against etiquette to ask anyone for a shower of bachelorette party. But I understand your disappointment.

CoffeeKid

Thanks for the input...part of the problem is that people (family, MOH, etc) have mentioned doing things, and volunteered to host/plan activities, but then never take a step to get it together.  It's like the carrot dangled over my head...if the carrot had never been there in the first place, I wouldn't miss it.

To boot, one of my cousins is also getting remarried this spring (before me), and people have been bending over backwards to do stuff for her.  I even volunteered to host a shower, because I wanted to be nice.  It makes me feel like I'm not as important. 

right1thistime

Do you think there could be a surprise shower or bachelorette in your future?  Maybe not, but something to consider.   How did you respond to their initial inquiry?   If you balked, or said "oh you don't have to do that" they may have taken you at your word. 

I agree its challenging to follow up on an offer that got your hopes up but didn't materialize.  Throwing the shower for your cousin was a nice thing to do.  Maybe she will repay the generosity once her wedding is over.

And, just as an aside, you know how we second time brides can be hurt/upset/insulted by the choice of language?  When someone says,"oh, this isn't the first time you've done this, so I'm sure you don't expect everyone to be excited"  or some such thing? Well, I just want to point out that you DID have a wedding the first time.  It may have not had all the trappings that you want(ed), but it was absolutely a wedding.  The reason I point this out is that someone else who CHOSE to have just a simple ceremony as their wedding might be hurt/upset/insulted by your proclamation that what you had did not qualify as a wedding.   Just thought you might like to know.   ~Donna

CoffeeKid

Whenever someone has offered something to me, I have used my standard reply: "Oh! That's so nice of you! That would be awesome!"

I truly didn't mean to be demeaning to anyone else.  My apologies if it came out that way.

In my defense, not a justification, just an explanation...

After becoming engaged, my first marriage happened quickly.  There was no planning to have a small ceremony.  It was orchestrated on short notice due to healthcare issues, and was not at all what I would have wanted under any other circumstance.  To boot, the person I married wound up being a deceptive, abusive, monster.  Pardon me if I would prefer to look at this as my first "wedding," although not my first marriage.  I was married, but the process was perfunctory at best.

Each bride and groom should choose what they want their special day to be.   It is a celebration of their love and commitment, and each should consecrate it in the way that they see best.  For me, the love turned out to be a lie, and commitment a joke.  IMO that goes a long way to emotionally invalidate the whole ordeal.

Once again, I apologize to any and all who might have been offended or hurt.  I was simply using a lexicon that I thought appropriate to my personal scenario.  I also don't mean to rant...

Thank you to all who pass along good advice to others.  Yours is a noble endeavor.

right1thistime

I think your commentary points out how significant circumstances really are.

CoffeeKid

This is very true.  Perhaps I should have been a little more clear from the start.


Thanks ever so much.

Marrin713

I'm going to be optimistic and go with the surprise shower and bachlorette party!

lbeutel

You should also remember that your wedding and marriage both are about you and your soon to be spouse, not your friends or family. While I'm sure that you are disappointed because they aren't being more excited for you, the people around you aren't going to make your wedding and marriage a success. Just roll with it and let people do what they want. Manage your expectations a bit, and you won't be disappointed.