His 2nd marriage... my first. Advice needed!

Kmarqu031

So, It's my first wedding, however my fiance is divorced and has two kids. We were planning a big wedding, however because of his parents, I now have the idea in my head that planning a big wedding is a waiste of time, because since its his second wedding, nobody from his side is going to want to come.

Should I still plan a big wedding, or am I just waisting time and money?
My family is excited.. however now I'm doubting going through with a big one...

Also, his family mentions his ex wife awfully a lot... I dont mind when its about the kids, but I do mind when its about her family and their past relationship.

Am I going to end up being just the "2nd wife?" 

JCWhitey

I think you will become whatever make yourself.  If you are constantly thinking of yourself as the "second wife" then that's what everyone else will think because you're projecting that.  Be confident and forget about the ex (minus her involvement with the kids!).  You will be his WIFE.  I don't think of my FI as my future second husband, I think of him as my future husband.

As for the wedding, I also say have the wedding your want.  It's my second wedding, FI's first.  So far the majority of the guest coming are from MY side with very few coming from his side.  My family is extremely excited about this wedding and seeing me happy.  His family... well... they tend to think a lot more of them themselves (and in his sisters case, she's pregnant so she's got a legit reason to not be there!).  But, yeah, at least among my friends and family they could care less that it's my second wedding, they're just excited to be there to support me on my wedding day.  I'd hope that his friends and family care for him enough to do that for him, especially if you're having a local wedding!  Although, I did once attend a wedding where it was the grooms second, the brides first and very few people showed up from the grooms side.  But according to one of his guests it was because 1) they didn't think the marriage would last (it didn't) and 2) it was out of town for his side.

Avion22

I agree that you should have the wedding that you and your fiance decide is right for you.  Don't let your family or his bully you into thinking that because this is his second marriage that he should or shouldn't have a certain kind of wedding.   Invite everyone you want to be there, and let them decide if that are able to/want to attend.

It's also my second wedding (his first) and both of our families are traveling a long way to come see us get married.  Nobody cares that I was married before.  If anything, they're happy that I've found someone new.

As far as how people treat you, I think that people will treat you the way that you let them.   As long as you act like his only wife (which you will be), and he acts like you're his only wife (which you will be), then you should be fine.  You don't sound like the ex-wife-bashing sort, so I'm sure I don't need to tell you not that his family will frown upon you saying bad things about her, so just stay out of discussions about her character or her past relationship with your fiance.  In this case I think the only thing you can really say is "Wow, the kids are great, I can tell that Jane is gerat mom."   Like I said though, it sounds like this is exactly what you are already doing:-)

Kmarqu031

Thanks for the replies. It definitely helps.
I never bash on Kristi (his ex) regardless of how much she bashes on me, and withholds the kids from us. Jason and her definitelty do not get along, and he did have a talk with his parents last night. They felt horrible, and never ment to come across the way they did. I also felt bad for not standing up for myself, and instead Jason did it...

Anyways, still will always be the "2nd wife" since his family will always name Kristi as his "ex wife" or "former wife" rather than just his ex.

Hopefully I figure out what to do soon. Still debating on if I should just do a destination wedding or elope.

I guess all that matters is were both really excited

Sue-n-Kevin

Our wedding in August was my first, his third. We had a lovely elegant wedding for about 70 guests. His family traveled from upper Michigan, Wisconsin, Missouri and Chicago in spite of the fact it was his third marriage.

Don't doubt your plans, your vision of this wedding, or who to invite. Don't let his family rain on your parade. Invite the people you would ordinarily invite, and then see who shows up.

As for how they talk about his ex and her family in front of you: You could have your fiance respectfully talk to his family about how this makes you feel. But in the end, no one can make you feel anything you don't want to feel. If you allow it to bother you, it will. He's moved on and obviously loves YOU and divorced HER.

Good luck.

right1thistime

You are and will always be his second wife.  IF you have issues with that, then I advise you to work through them before you marry him.  His xW will always be their former DIL, and the mother of their grandchildren.  They very well may have accepted her into their family & grown to love her.  Just because the marriage didn't work out doesn't mean that the relationship between her and his family is also and equally fractured. 

You cannot change the past, all you can do is accept it & move forward.  As the PP said, you will be his only wife, and if you accept both the past & the present, their relationship with her will have no bearing on their relationship with you.  As you are marrying a man with children from his first marriage, you will never have his xW far from your life.  The best outcome for all concerned is if you and she and your Fi can co-exist for the best interest of the children. 

I have told this story before, but I know a family (the children are adults now with kids of their own) where wife1 w/ her 2nd husband & DD #1, and wife2 & DD2 & DS3 spend the holidays together.  Both women eventually divorced the father of the kids, but the two ex wives & all his kids make a lovely family.  ~Donna