Second Weddings

Reliving pain... normal?

As my wedding is getting closer, I seem to be often reminded of some of the pain I dealt with in my first marriage.  My ex was unfaithful on a large scale (think Tiger Woods... a self-proclaimed sex addict who DIDN'T choose to change or seek help) and I dealt with a lot of betrayal and manipulation over six years.

After my divorce, I went through a complete rebuilding of my life... my mind and emotions.  It was a while before I felt ready to date again.  After I knew I was ready to start dating, I began dating a guy and after a few months, started seeing some of the red flags that I had in my marriage.  I ended that relationship.

FI is completely different.  We've had disagreements/fights, but there haven't been ANY red flags and he's never given me any reason at all to believe that he'd ever be unfaithful.  I've learned to trust my gut, because my gut was always right with my ex.  My counselor told me that women have intuition for a reason and I've learned how to listen to mine.  I don't have any qualms or concerns about marrying FI.  I trust him completely and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

But, lately, I've been having nightmares about my past... my mind has even wandered during the day to those old feelings of betrayal and hurt.

Is this normal with 2nd marriages?  Is anyone else experiencing this?

I'm so excited to be just over 2 months away from marrying the man I always dreamed of, but came to believe was just a fairy tale... it's almost reality and these nightmares are messing up this time of "bliss"!
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Re: Reliving pain... normal?

  • prodigalgirlprodigalgirl
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Just to clarify... I'm not having second thoughts or really even fears about getting married again.  It just seems that as the wedding gets closer, the old scars are reopening.
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  • edited December 2011
    Perfectly normal.  And I think, in part, that you are getting to the part of the healing process where you are able to see that - regardless of how horrible one of the partners is- it takes two people to end up there.  And it can be scary to own your own part of the failed relationship.  (Note- I am not saying that you caused his infidelity in any way).  And even scarier as you step off into another marriage to realize that you made mistakes the first time, and could conceivably make mistakes again. 

    I was also the wife of a serial cheater.  Basically, the words "forsake all others" were a suggestion, not a command in his eyes.  I am married to a man to whom I have never once (that's a lie, my insecurities were pretty intact when we first started dating) felt that I couldn't trust.  Once I got to know him, my ability to trust him and to feel confident in his fidelity was a refreshing, joyful experience.  But those old wounds still made me question, worry and old pain. 

    I think it's another part of the healing proces-- tear the scab off, expose the sore spot underneath, let you feel the hurt in the safety of wonderful, secure love-- so that you can be fully healed and without a scar for the rest of your life.  Use these nightmares and daymares as message from your soul that you need to feel it to let it go

    Best wishes.  ~Donna
  • handfast4mehandfast4me
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    member
    edited December 2011
    Donna, you always make me laugh.  Forsake all others being a suggestion.  Classic. 

    Ok, now for the OP--yes, normal.  I sort of did a "reactionary" wedding in some cases.  I wore a tea length satin dress that I had made for my first.  So, I wanted something lace, store-bought and long for my second.  That sort of thing.  Just work through it, and we're here for you. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    member
    edited December 2011
    The night before our wedding, I broke down... My hubby was wonderful, and listen to me... and reassured me that I wasn't going to fail him, our relationship or anything like that... That was my biggest worry failing him. So I understand where you are at - but remember you have grown because of your first marriage, and your FI is not the same man...

    Breathe, relax and yes it is normal...
  • edited December 2011
    As the wedding nears, the weddingmares begin.

    I had many of them.  I had a dream that on the day of our wedding I found my husband in the bathroom with a naked woman. I'll spare you the details, but my reaction was a lot of hysterical crying, it was horrible. My FI (now hubby) would never never cheat on me. It was my own insecurities coming out in a dream.

    It's perfectly normal to have wedding nightmares, many women have them, even the first timers, there have been many posts on the subject.

    Congratulations on your engagement, it sounds like your man is wonderful.... and you deserve it, ENJOY!  

    PS: Before I go to sleep, I say to myself, "no bad dreams, no bad dreams" it really helps me.
  • edited December 2011
    I think you are not only normal I think you are very honest.  I think it is great you talk about and want suggestions on what is mentally and emotionally going on with you.  You are definately a very strong lady because of all the bad in life which makes you appreciate the good.  Many many people end up becoming miserable and unhappy because of all the wrong things they went through.

    Everytime those thoughts come into your head or after you wake up from a bad dream try to quickly think good current thoughts.  Eventually they will stop and you will not think about them as much.  Even when we think we have worked through or gotten past our issues they rear their ugly heads when we least expect it.  By facing it head on like you are doing is the healthiest and most positive way to deal with it.

    KEEP IT UP!
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  • prodigalgirlprodigalgirl
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Thanks so much for the encouragement, ladies! 
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