Second Weddings

My Crazy, Apathetic Family (Rant, sorry)

My first marriage was horrible, he was abusive, I ended up in lots of debt, it's just great that it's over.  I moved from his house to my mom's, then she lost her place to foreclosure and we rented a place together.  Fast forward and now I'm 39 years old, I've found a wonderful man and we're getting married.  I moved out of the house I had with mom to be with him and his children almost a year ago.  My family has freaked clean out.

I had to give my mom a time limit on when I would stop paying my share of the rent because even though I've been gone for a year, she still hasn't moved and can't afford the place on her own.  I had to put a cut off on there because all of my money was going to her and I couldn't contribute anything to where I was with my FI, he's been extremely patient and understanding.

My grandma and sister decided they couldn't stand my FI from the moment they met him, my mom had too, but she changed her mind after the way he stepped up when I got laid off last year.  My grandma is still actively trying to get me to not marry him and my sister is trying to make me feel guilty because I want to have something nice instead of just going downtown.

Everyone is trying to make me feel guilty for "leaving my mom all alone" she's only 61 and perfectly healthy, she doesn't need a caretaker and if she'd even look at any of the houses I've found for her, she'd do a lot better financially.  Ironically, my mom is the only family member who's remotely happy for me.  I'm just sick of the guilt and apathy and everything else.

They really don't know him very well, even after a year, but they do know that he's been pretty much taking care of me financially for the past year while I was still paying rent at my mom's house and that I'm happy.  He's enouraged me to get back into school, start exercising and eating healthier.  Why isn't that enough?  He's a good man and he's good to me, shouldn't that be what they want?  No, they want him to already be established, well he's raising 3 kids on his own, he had some set backs when he was younger including having to drop out of highschool to care for his elderly parents who have since both died, but now he's in school himself going for a BA in business with a supervisory position lined up at his current job.  If it was one of them ,I'd be estatic for them.

Re: My Crazy, Apathetic Family (Rant, sorry)

  • I'm sorry that you're going through that.  It sounds like you have a great man and that's all you can focus on right now.  Out of my entire family, only one sister is happy or even involved in my life anymore.  Both my parents are deceased, but my other siblings are MIA.  My friends are my family now.  You have done a lot to help your mother and I'm sure you will continue to until she is settled.  Do you have good friends?  Family isn't only blood, it's those who stick with you through it all.  Focus on those people and let the other people come along if they choose, but don't dwell on it if they don't.  You have a great man and will have a great life! :)
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  • Your sister is probably afraid that when you start taking care of yourself, and putting yourself first, that you won't be there to take care of her or your mom or grandmom.  Value yourself, and ignore them. 

    Once again, you cannot control other people, you can only control how you react to them. ~Donna
  • In Response to Re: My Crazy, Apathetic Family (Rant, sorry):
    Couldn't mom live with you, if you all get along?
    Posted by RetreadBride
    Why??  Her mother is perfectly capable of caring for herself.  Newlyweds need their own space.
  • Lisa50Lisa50
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited March 2012
    In Response to Re: My Crazy, Apathetic Family (Rant, sorry):
    Your sister is probably afraid that when you start taking care of yourself, and putting yourself first, that you won't be there to take care of her or your mom or grandmom.  Value yourself, and ignore them.  Once again, you cannot control other people, you can only control how you react to them. ~Donna
    Posted by right1thistime
    Yeah, I agree with Donna.  You're upsetting everyone's apple carts.  They'll get over it, or they won't.  Either way, you will be all kinds of happy with your new husband.   Yay!
  • I'm sorry to hear about your family issues. It's never easy, regardless of the situations we all find ourselves in.

    1) don't worry about your sister and grandmother. Their opinions of your fiance don't sound as though they are founded in reality, so pfffffffft to them.

    2) you are a caring daughter who has made changes to your life to accomodate your mother. Having done that in the past does not mean it has to continue into infinity.

    3) you are embarking on a new chapter in your life. You don't have to turn your back on your family while "making a new one". But the stresses of step-parenting and a new marriage don't leave much room for continuing to over-extend yourself with your siblings/mom/grandmother. While hard, I'm sure you will come up with the right approach for you and your fiance and his children.

    When we married in August of last year, my husband moved in here full time. He left a home with a now 19 y/o daughter and her baby (who still live there while he pays the mortgage), and his 80-ish mother who lives about 2 miles from that home, in her own home. In comparison to your situation, she actually does need some help physically, but not financially. It's not easy, but he goes over there (40 miles from our house) about once a month to help her out.

    Starting new lives sometimes means changes to the old one. Do what you can to assist your Mom in finding a place, and wean her off of your finances as you are able. Sometimes helping parents find their own "responsibility level" is as tough as doing so with our kids. You can be kind, compassionate and loving without financing what they see as their prefered lifestyle.

    Good luck.
  • Thank you so much for all of your advice and well wishes, I really appreciate hearing from people who understand and don't think I'm crazy or ungrateful to my family!  It's just difficult to change the patterns of a life time and how I relate to my family members so that I can be in a healtheir place emotionally.

    No one involved wants my mom to move inwith us, including my mom.  I think that would be an extremely unhealthey situation and my FI would hit the roof if I even asked him!  If mom were sick or disabled he wouldn't mind, but she's perfectly healthy and not old.

    My FI and I were discussing the possibility that my sister is afraid she will get sucked back in to feeling like she has to take care of mom and grandma, when both of those ladies take care of themselves just fine.  When they want to.

    Thanks again ladies, I really appreciate it!
  • In Response to Re: My Crazy, Apathetic Family (Rant, sorry):
    Lisa, lots of extended families live together.  Clearly that won't work for this couple, but it's not "weird" or "unnatural" at all.
    Posted by RetreadBride
    Huh.  Where did you pick up the words "weird" and "unnatural," Retread?  Certainly not from MY post.  I expressed the same sentiment others did in response yet you pounce on me?

    And for the record, sweetie, I'm not ignorant.  I'm older than you and have experienced a very full, authentic life.  I am well aware that multiple generations live under one roof.  My son and I lived with my parents when I was in the midst of my divorce.  Oh ... and had you been paying attention last year, you would have known we had three generations in my house for a while.  Why?  Because my mother requires help around the clock.  But I digress ...

    OP has done all she can to help her mother, who is not helpless at all.  She and her husband deserve to begin their married life together, without mom on board, if at all possible. And mom deserves the continued, gentle, loving nudge her daughter is providing so she (mom) can be self-suffient once more.  Her mom has been through a lot and is lucky to have a daughter who cares so much.

    OP ... apologies for high-jacking your post.  Keep up the good work with your mom!  You're doing well.
  • Wow, didn't mean to start even more controversy!  No apology needed to me, I just want peace, lol. 

    I've done the multigenerational thing before too, when my grandparents got divorced and my grandma came back to move in with us.  We had actually been living in the house she owned, so it was her right to move in, but the women of my family just don't do well living together as adults.  There's this tendency for the mother to continue to relate to the daughter as a child and since my mom was grown with a baby (my sister) and a teenager (me) of her own, they had to part ways soon after.  In another family, that might work out, but not in mine!  That's why I said it would be unhealthy. 

    Also, FI would flip clean out if I tried to move my mom in and she wouldn't be ok with that either.  His previous wife tried that, but then they both stopped working and looked to him to take care of them both, plus her two children from a previous relationship and the two children she had with him.  It got both crowded and expensive.
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