Wedding planning round 2

tktranch

Hey all, This is my second wedding (I'm 33) and my guys first (he's 44).  I'm wanting to do the things I didn't get to do at my first wedding (the ceremony and reception were a disaster) and my guy is all for it.  Modern western/rodeo theme, the dress I've always wanted ect but my mom keeps po-poing the planning.  She doesn't think I should get a "real" wedding dress and that I should do silk flowers (again).  Hey, while we're at it why don't we get married JP and have a vows ceremony and reception in the uncles back yard with a meat and cheese tray and sprite for the reception (like last time).  I think she's comming around a bit now but how to get her to accept that I'm going to be doing this on "my way" not what she feels I should do?

The other issue is, at our age's I feel the FI and I should pay for the wedding ourselves or as much as possible.  My FI is all for that but he wants a HUGE reception with eveyone he's ever known and met at the rodeo's he's competed in or worked at.  How do I explain to him that we can't afford a huge reception.  He's a truck driver and I handle all the finances since it's not his strong suit.  Any suggestions, ideas or even just support are welcome

right1thistime

First you sit him down with the finances, and ask him to develop a budget with you.  Decide how much you could spend on your wedding, without borrowing, or going into debt.  Then you can develop a guest list, and an expense budget for each item.  The planning process along the way will add this and cut that, and the two of you will negotiate out the wedding you want. 

At the onset of our wedding, he wanted one venue, and I wanted to get married at sea on a chartered boat.  The cost of his and mine was more than we thought reasonable, and we found a gorgeous seaside venue that felt like being at sea. 

As far as your mother, stop telling her the wedding plans.  If she is poo-pooing your ideas, just stop.  If she asks, you can always hesitate and then say, "I am not interested in having you criticize our plans.  It is important to me that the people I love share our joy, and I get hurt when you minimize what we are thinking about."  If she critiques what you tell her at that point, say to her, "that's exactly what I meant.  It is better if Fi and I just make our plans, and you will be our honored guest."  And STICK TO THAT.  ~Donna

hisbabygirl76

Definatly sit FI down and go over the costs. My FI was all about having this huge reception till he saw the cost.

This is also my 2nd and his 1st. As far as your mom, remember this is YOUR wedding. Do it exactly how you want it to be done

Avion22

I agree with the other posters about following your heart and planning the wedding you want.

As for convincing your fiance not to invite the entire world, I find that guys tend to respond better to pure numbers.   First set a budget for what you can realistically afford to spend on the whole shebang, then look at per-person costs.  Some things won't cost more if you have more people (photography, officiant fees, DJ, etc), but there are a lot of hidden costs associated with having more guests -- you will need more food obviously, but also more tables/plates/glasses rented, more floral centerpieces, more favors if you're doing them, maybe even a bigger venue, etc.   If you tell him that it's going to cost $100 per person he wants to invite (for example)....and remind him that guests in romantic relationships should be invited along with their significant other, and decide whether or not you want children -- then all of the sudden that family he met once will end up costing $500.     I find that guys tend to respond to this :-)

coopsbaby

My fi responded well to a "this is exactly how much one single person is going to cost" kind of talk. He was just thinking dinner, not dinner plus cake, drinks, decor, venue size etc. Once I gave him a figure per person for everything, suddenly his guest list could get a lot smaller.

Sue-n-Kevin

"The other issue is, at our age's I feel the FI and I should pay for the wedding ourselves or as much as possible.  My FI is all for that but he wants a HUGE reception with eveyone he's ever known and met at the rodeo's he's competed in or worked at.  How do I explain to him that we can't afford a huge reception.  He's a truck driver and I handle all the finances since it's not his strong suit.  Any suggestions, ideas or even just support are welcome "

This is the crux of your problem. The answers above cover a lot.

- Go to your local Knot board and read the posts about what things cost. The brides on your local board are very good for reviews and prices and ideas about things in your local area. It's an invaluable resource

- Set your budget. This depends on how much money you will have in X months or years. That's it. No borrowing, no going into debt. How much can you set aside each month into a savings account? Then multiply that times the number of months you need to get to your budget. Then adjust.

Regarding age, I got married for the first time at age 56 last August. I had 2 kids already, and while my parents are pensioners (the down side of waiting of so long, LOL), my Mom did commit to the $1000 venue rental fee. They did not give us a gift at the wedding, and I had no qualms about that. I knew going in their gift was that deposit, and I was fine with it. My Mom did arrange to tip all the vendors, at her request, because she used to work in catering and wanted to make sure that was taken care of, and to relieve us of that responsibility. Again, really a "gift", and also appreciated.

You can't ask for money from family members. However, if someone offers because they see you struggling, make sure you know up front what that offer entails..........contributing money toward a wedding can shift some power to that person as far their guest count, etc. I've seen this issue on many boards. But don't count on the contributions, as there may not be any.

Good luck. You sound sensible and can probably set your fiance straight on the real cost of what he would like to have.

martinswifey

I am also planning my secong wedding with wanting to do things I didnt get to first time!! I am older  then my man and have 2 kids. We are planning to pay for most with a bit of help from his family. They want a HUGE party and i am all for it!! We are planning to get married in a year and a half so we can save and pay. I feel like if you get the secong chance for love then do what you want!! Be a DIVA!! Chances are this is THE ONE THAT WILL LAST!!