Mom says I did too much for my BM and should not get them a gift, help?

sweetcarolinagirl

I just moved from Chicago after living there for three years. Most of my bm are out of state, all but one. So all of them are having to fly to the wedding and buy a dress. I know a lot of them do not have an extrevgant amount of money. I am doing a destination wedding at the beach. My family has a couple of beach cottages.

Bottom Line:

I offered my BM with my parents permission, one of our cottages for during the long wedding weekend. (Thurs-Sun). I am also picking them up from the airport and bringing them to the beach with me and then giving them my car to use to get them back to my home and the airport (4 hour drive). My mom is upset and says that I have been way to generous to my BM and should not get them a nice gift. (like less than $10 now) She says that is not proper ettiquite for me to do all that. My dresses were $160, I asked them to buy $30 shoes but I have not asked anything else. I even bought there pink sashes ($20 a piece to go with their dress) I also paid for full one girls dress  cuz she couldn't afford it and asked me to.

Have I done to much should I just let the weekend the beach be their gift, should I not get them a nice gift like my mom says?

MairePoppy

Your mom may be thinking of this as a free 4 day vacation for your BMs, but it's not their vacation of choice.  They are giving up 4 days (and probably missing some work time)  to attend your wedding. I'm sure they are all happy to do this, especially since you've been so accommodating. It was very nice of you to assist with some of the clothing purchases. That does not count as a gift though, because those items were purchased specifically for your wedding. I don't imagine the pink sashes are something your friends would have bought for their own personal use. IMO, $160 is a lot to spend on a dress that you will wear once. Add airfare to that. This is not an insignificant amount of money they are spending.

You are right. You should still buy them a gift to show your appreciation for their support. This is a gift from you, not mom, so she shouldn't really be deciding how much you are going to spend.

Whippet8

I would still give them a gift. Is it possible that your mom is inconvenienced at all by them staying in one of the houses, or by you not having your own car before the wedding? maybe shes a little aggrivated?

...that could just be from my own experiences with my own mother though...

andy71781

I feel like you should still get them a present.  Something small and sweet - your mom doesn't even need to know.  It's important.

quotequeen

Your mom is being ridiculous.  It's not that common anymore, but if you read old etiquette books, it used to be expected that the bride and groom would provide accommodations for the wedding party members who had to travel from out of town.  You are certainly not doing "too much" for them.  Why does your mom even care?  Is she paying for the wedding and thinking that you expect her to pay for the WP gifts as well?  You should pay for the gifts yourself, and she shouldn't have any say in it.  She doesn't even have to know what you get them.

katieanne85

def get them a present, the wedding is about you you are being very accomodating and generous concidering they are taking their time and spending money to be there with you. Your being a generous person and your mom should not have a problem with that, she should be proud of you.

Kristin789

Here's a compromise: 

Go on-line and order something for each BM, to be delivered to their own apartments/houses in Chicago or wherever.  That way they don't have to find a way to pack a gift in their suitcase or carryon and hassle with it through security, etc. 

And it's not actually a BRIDESMAID GIFT, which is given the day before the wedding at a Bridesmaid's Tea and usually jewelry which is to be worn at the wedding the next day. 

It's a THANK YOU FOR UNPLUGGING FROM THIS LIFE YOU HAVE IN YOUR OWN HOMETOWN TO COME TO MY DW FAR AWAY gift.  See?  Totally different, and your mom isn't involved in these gifts sent directly to their homes after the wedding is totally and completely over.

melissamc2

Ultimately, it's not up to your Mom.  You do what you feel is appropriate and what you can afford to do.  I think you're being very aware of how much the girls are doing for you and are just showing that.  We, as brides, have a responsibility to not take advantage of our friends and I think it's great that you're making an effort to accommodate them.

NatandIsaac

Allowing them to stay at your cottage and giving them a ride from the airport does not count as a wedding party gift. You do not have to give them anything expensive, just something personal that says thank you for being in our wedding.