Moms and Maids
Options

Advice needed from Mothers about a Mother

So I was on the phone to my Mother last night when she says she will have to look up flights to see if she can make it over for my dress fitting. I say thats fine, and let her know that I have invited my bestfriend 'A', who is going to be my Brides Best Man to the fitting as well. She pauses on the phone, and says "I think you better talk to A, because he came up to me at the engagement party and he is uncomfortable with standing on your side, especially since there are no actual bridesmaids, maybe you should rethink the idea." I found that a bit strange and said I had talked to him since and he has always been fine with the idea. There were some awkward long silences and then we talked about something else and said our goodnights. I rang A straight away, he was in the bath and we chatted about the wedding amongst other things and he said that the conversation with my Mother went nothing like that. He has No problems at all with being on my side. Right from the start she has balked at the idea of having him as my attendent and suggested everyone under the sun as a replacement, and got very upset when I have said no, no, no. How should I approach the subject from now on? I don't want this to become an issue all the way to the isle. Thank!!
Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

Re: Advice needed from Mothers about a Mother

  • Options
    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    How about, "Hi Mom.  I just wanted to let you know that I did have another chat with A about being my attendant.  I was worried about what you told me the other night.  He assured me he has no issue with it and he's looking forward to it.  I'm not going to change my mind." That let's her know that you took the time to verify something she told you and it's a closed discussion.  If she is truly trying to manipulate you into changing attendants and keeps this up, you are going to have to let her know firmly that your decision is final and you won't be discussing it anymore. 
  • Options
    jonjeffssmomjonjeffssmom member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Keep it simple and direct, and reinforce the point that as your mother what she really wants is your happiness, and if A makes you happy, and is comfortable with being your witness, then she will have to accept that.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    What kmmsg said...absolutely.  It lets her know that you spoke to him, and that all is well.  Tell her you appreciate that she cares, but that this is what you are going to do.  Then change the subject and refuse to have any further discussion.  If she brings it up again, smile and change the subject.  My daughter did things with her wedding that I would not have done...but it is HER WEDDING, NOT MINE, and it turned out beautifully.  I had my chance 30 years ago.  ps...remember this when you have a daughter someday :)
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • Options
    dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    best to not mention it again...just go along with your plans.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all your help, I think I will mention it next time we are talking that I spoke to A and he is fine with everything and we are going ahead as planned. It's just so hard when she knocks things down, I am trying very hard to do things she will approve of.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    mob2006mob2006 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's just so hard when she knocks things down, I am trying very hard to do things she will approve of.I have to comment on your last statement.  Please know that you no longer need your mother's approval!  You are an adult now.  As long as you keep this attitude, you are giving your mother way too much power over your choices and decisions.  I get that you want to plan a wedding that's generally enjoyable for all, but please don't just try to please your mother and win her approval!
  • Options
    Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She's being manipulative because SHE has a problem with a male bride's attendant. You have several choices of how to handle it. PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE: don't mention it again, ignore all her comments about it, and do what you want. STAND FIRM, BUT POLITE: Tell her politely "Mom, I understand you don't like it, but the decision is made and is not up for discussion". Then change the subject. CONFRONTATION: tell her you don't appreciate being manipulated and lied to because of her ideas of how a wedding "should" look like, and distance yourself from her a little. Don't share any more information, and don't involve her in any of the planning. But this can lead to further relationship problems, much drama and "blow ups", or threats to not attend the wedding. UNDERSTANDING AND REASSURANCE: acknowledge that you know she doesn't like the idea because it's so different from what she is used to. But assure her it's becoming quite common nowadays, and only the old fuddy-duddies will think it's odd. Let her know you understand that it's awkward when people make comments to her about it (and they WILL make comments, count on it). Give her specific examples of what to tell people when the old fogies question her about it. Like "Oh, lots of couples are doing this now", "Really, you've never heard of it? Where have you been the last 20 years?", or "Equal opportunity weddings I suppose, lol".
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards