Moms and Maids

Asking FSIL to be a bridesmaid.

My FSIL is one of my best friends. We see each other a couple of times a week. We've even lived with her, and we all got along. (She was helping us out when we didn't have anywhere to stay. As soon as we saved up enough to get a place, we moved out. So, it was a good experience.) The other day we were talking about the wedding and she told me how excited she was and how much she wanted to help out. I invited her to go with me and my mom to a bridal show, and she's super excited for it.

Here's where I'm not sure what to do:
I know the basics of her financial situation. I know she can't afford a dress. Even $50 would be too much for her. I think that would be the only reason she would say no. I'm fine with paying for her dress and hair. I don't know how to word it, though. I don't want it to sound like I'm pointing out that she can't afford a dress. So, any suggestions?

Thanks in advance!
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Re: Asking FSIL to be a bridesmaid.

  • Are you paying for the other bridesmaids' dresses and hair? If so, I'd say something like, "You don't have to tell me right now, but will you a bridesmaid?" Then casually mention a bit later that you're planning on paying for the bridesmaids' dresses and hair.

    If it's just this one bridesmaid, I'd still do the "You don't have to tell me right now..." schpeal. Then wait until it's time to quietly ask for dress budgets. If she says hers is 0, then offer quietly to pay quietly. I assume you don't have to order dresses right away. She may be able to save the $100 an inexpensive bridesmaid dress can cost by then, or maybe her parents will offer to pay. I get that you're super-close but don't assume to know her complete financial picture, or that it will be the same in a few monhts.

    Just ask her like you would anyone else, but make it clear she can delay responding, maybe even until shortly before it's time to order dresses.
  • I agree that you should ask her, and then let her decide what she can handle financially. She may tell you she has it under control. If she starts bringing up this and that, that is when you jump in with your offer. I'm not really a fan of covering everything for one BM and not the others (aside from medical emergency, sudden job loss, injury, etc), but if you do this, just be sure to keep it under wraps. Your other maids might be a little upset if they were to find out.

    You can also just make professional hair styling optional, that way you nor your BMs are obligated to take on that cost if you/they cannot afford to. Just tell them to style it nicely and if they want to get it done, you'll be at ____salon at whatever time and tell them what time they need to be ready.
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  • Would your fi consider buying it for her? (I'm assuming she's his sister, not your brother's fi). It might seem easier coming from someone in her family rather than a friend. He could also write it off as "I don't see why bridesmaids pay to wear a dress someone else picks out - have a great time and I'll pick up the bill for you"
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  • If you want her in the BP, then ask her.  It sounds like you are really close and it would mean a lot to her if you did.  If she really can't afford it, she'll say no thank you.  To avoid that situation, though, perhaps you can plan to have  her wear something she already owns.  You could go through her closet together and see what colors she already has, and instruct the rest of the BP to wear a dress in that color family.  My bridesmaids are all wearing black cocktail dresses and at least two of them are wearing something they already own.
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  • edited December 2011
    I bought the dress for 3 of my bm's. My sisters are young and one was a teen mom- they have NO MONEY. The other is my bro baby momma- single mom, struggling through college. I told my other 2 I was buying their dresses, and they dont care.

    I have to also mention- the 2 that are buying their own dresses live HERE, the other 3 have to buy plane tix so it works out even. Also, I bought the dresses 2nd hand, they aresame color but different dress. So its not like I am asking them to buy a $200 gown. In fact one of my bm is a seamstress and will prob make her own.

    Just be honest. This 'etiquette' bs I read and wrapped into is not apart of the REAL WORLD. Its fun to go knot crazy but the wedding industry is way too commericial and brides are being programmed to do costly nonsense. We even perpetuate it here in blogs. Unaware that none of it matters in the long run.

    point in case.... think about prom. good luck.
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  • Definitely ask her and let her make her own decision.  I don't see a problem offering to pay for only one dress, because presumably if your other girls were in a tight spot financially you'd make the same offer.  But I agree with PPs that it's best to keep it on the DL.  Honestly, your other girls probably wouldn't care but it might make your FSIL really self conscious or feel like she's a charity case, so don't put her business out there like that. 

    I had a similar situation; I did what Elisabeth and Em said - I didn't mention money until she did.  When we started talking budget she mentioned that she just didn't know what she'd be able to afford and I told her that HER being there was what mattered to me. 

  • if she is your fiances sister is there a chance her parents (your future in laws) would pay for her dress?
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  • My little sister is the only other bridesmaid, and my mom is paying for hers. I looked for prom dresses and found some amazing ones. They're going to have two different styles with the same color. The style I had been eyeing for FSIL went on sale this weekend. It was $60 originally, and it was on sale for $15! So, I sat down with her and told her that I would love for her to be a bridesmaid and I had found a dress. Before I even said anything about price, she mentioned that she didn't think she'd be able to afford much of anything. So, I told her that I would take care of the dress and hair (I'll be taking care of hair for my sister too), but she'd need to take care of the shoes. I told her black shoes would be fine and just to pick something that will look nice with the dress, and that she'll be able to wear more than once. The dress is a prom dress, so it obviously can't be worn again. I would feel bad asking someone else to pay for it if it can't be worn again. I don't mind my mom buying my sister's prom-style dress though, because she can wear it to homecoming. Haha.

    Thanks for all of the advice girls!
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