MOH problems

OopsOreo04

I am getting married in about 2 months and it appears that my MOH wants nothing to do with any planning and is reluctant to help. She is even being flaky on the Bachelorette party planning so one of my bridesmais have taken up the slack for her and a good friend has been chipping in to help as well. How do you handle this type of situation? I wrote her a long e-mail explaining my feelings and how things are looking on my end and asked if everything was okay with her. We are both better at getting thoughts/feelings out in writting rather than face-to-face discussion. Im so frustrated, she already knows the trials my future MIL is putting my through, why would she act flaky when in the beggining she was so excited!?

KateG528

I can see that this is your first post on here so let me say "welcome"

Also, she is not required to help you, as a MOH she is only required to get a dress and show up on time.  However, as a close friend I am sure this is letting you down. You have expressed your feelings in an email to her, and there really isnt anything else you can do at this point. Remember a wedding is just one day but your friendships and marriage are the rest of your life. Dont let it get you down and remember she has her own life and may not be able to help as much as she would like. Just  keep a positive attitude and continue to be her friend. 

OopsOreo04

I have been reading on here a lot of comments saying "all she has to do is buy the dress show up and smile" which is perfectly fine. However im frustrated because she agreed and started talking about all these great ideas and helping for the wedding and fun plans for the Bachelorette Party and as it gets closer she keeps becoming more and more distant. Then i know if the rolls are reversed I would be doing everything I could for her day to help.

vicki0508

She isn't obligated to help you, and you shouldn't give her a hard time if she doesn't.  Also, you shouldn't be involved in planning your bachelorette party.  If your MOH or other BMs want to plan it, that's up to them.

chocoholic4life

Technically, yes, all she has to do is get the dress and show up.  But I can understand how you would be hurt if she told you she would do these things and is now flaking out.  This issue is not just about the wedding, it is about the friendship too. 

Is it possible that she didn't realize what went into planning all these things when she was first excited?  Maybe it is taking more of her time than she originally thought.  Or maybe she is having financial difficulties and is feeling bad about not being able to follow through with her plans.  I think you should talk to her and find out if everything is ok in her life, and also give her an out if you can.  She may be embarrassed if the situation is financial, so let her know that you don't expect her to do all of this by herself (or at all) but that she is still welcome to be involved if she wants to. 

Also, try talking to her about non-wedding related things if you feel you have been only talking about the wedding to her.  Maybe she misses her pre-engagment friendship with you.  It could be any of these things, or none of them.  You won't know unless you talk to her.  Good luck!

snorwo3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:13a54fef-a2fb-45ec-906a-77115f3c4df6Post:f4dd0d16-2dad-410a-a19f-22779c98f5c3">Re: MOH problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been reading on here a lot of comments saying "all she has to do is buy the dress show up and smile" which is perfectly fine. However im frustrated because she agreed and started talking about all these great ideas and helping for the wedding and fun plans for the Bachelorette Party and as it gets closer she keeps becoming more and more distant. Then i know if the rolls are reversed I would be doing everything I could for her day to help.
Posted by OopsOreo04[/QUOTE]

<div>You know what? I agree with you. </div><div>After lurking these boards, I am not necessarily sure what I think about the advice that is given to girls in this situation. I think it's great that posters want to take brides a little more "back to earth".. because yes, a lot of brides get so strung out that they treat their bridesmaids like slaves.</div><div>
</div><div>But at the same time, I don't think ANYONE would be happy with their MOH ignoring the entire wedding except the day of.. even the ladies on here. As a MOH, she is not reqiured to do much for you, but as a friend she should at least give half a crap about you IMO.</div><div>
</div><div>Everything I've ever read--not just from the "wedding industry" and advertisers, but from etiquette books, websites, planning tools, etc.--has talked about bridesmaid duties. Many are overboard and shouldn't be expected and I agree with the ladies here on that, but seriously who the hell wants a MOH that isn't even interested in your wedding at all? I know when all of my friends got married, I was excited for them and always asked how things were going and if they needed help with anything.</div><div>
</div><div>If a friend of mine literally did what the ladies here say and "threw on a dress and showed up to the wedding only", I'd be hurt not because of my wedding, but because I clearly lost a friend.</div>

StacyJenniges

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:13a54fef-a2fb-45ec-906a-77115f3c4df6Post:89acdbb6-2ce8-4246-bc7e-0a5cbfd51673">Re: MOH problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems : You know what? I agree with you.  After lurking these boards, I am not necessarily sure what I think about the advice that is given to girls in this situation. I think it's great that posters want to take brides a little more "back to earth".. because yes, a lot of brides get so strung out that they treat their bridesmaids like slaves. But at the same time, I don't think ANYONE would be happy with their MOH ignoring the entire wedding except the day of.. even the ladies on here. As a MOH, she is not reqiured to do much for you, but as a friend she should at least give half a crap about you IMO. Everything I've ever read--not just from the "wedding industry" and advertisers, but from etiquette books, websites, planning tools, etc.--has talked about bridesmaid duties. Many are overboard and shouldn't be expected and I agree with the ladies here on that, but seriously who the hell wants a MOH that isn't even interested in your wedding at all? I know when all of my friends got married, I was excited for them and always asked how things were going and if they needed help with anything. If a friend of mine literally did what the ladies here say and "threw on a dress and showed up to the wedding only", I'd be hurt not because of my wedding, but because I clearly lost a friend.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with you and commend you for saying these things.  I think that alot woundering if some of the advise that is given is taken by the person giving the advise themselves. 

OP good luck with this situation and I hope that you work out what is going on and that everything is good between you and your MOH.

ajroark

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:13a54fef-a2fb-45ec-906a-77115f3c4df6Post:89acdbb6-2ce8-4246-bc7e-0a5cbfd51673">Re: MOH problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems : You know what? I agree with you.  After lurking these boards, I am not necessarily sure what I think about the advice that is given to girls in this situation. I think it's great that posters want to take brides a little more "back to earth".. because yes, a lot of brides get so strung out that they treat their bridesmaids like slaves. But at the same time, I don't think ANYONE would be happy with their MOH ignoring the entire wedding except the day of.. even the ladies on here. As a MOH, she is not reqiured to do much for you, but as a friend she should at least give half a crap about you IMO. Everything I've ever read--not just from the "wedding industry" and advertisers, but from etiquette books, websites, planning tools, etc.--has talked about bridesmaid duties. Many are overboard and shouldn't be expected and I agree with the ladies here on that, but seriously who the hell wants a MOH that isn't even interested in your wedding at all? I know when all of my friends got married, I was excited for them and always asked how things were going and if they needed help with anything. If a friend of mine literally did what the ladies here say and "threw on a dress and showed up to the wedding only", I'd be hurt not because of my wedding, but because I clearly lost a friend.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]

I also agree. Thank you for saying what no one else would!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:13a54fef-a2fb-45ec-906a-77115f3c4df6Post:89acdbb6-2ce8-4246-bc7e-0a5cbfd51673">Re: MOH problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems : You know what? I agree with you.  After lurking these boards, I am not necessarily sure what I think about the advice that is given to girls in this situation. I think it's great that posters want to take brides a little more "back to earth".. because yes, a lot of brides get so strung out that they treat their bridesmaids like slaves. But at the same time,<strong> I don't think ANYONE would be happy with their MOH ignoring the entire wedding except the day of.</strong>.<strong> even the ladies on here</strong>. As a MOH, she is not reqiured to do much for you, but as a friend she should at least give half a crap about you IMO. Everything I've ever read--not just from the "wedding industry" and advertisers, but from etiquette books, websites, planning tools, etc.--has talked about bridesmaid duties. Many are overboard and shouldn't be expected and I agree with the ladies here on that, but seriously who the hell wants a MOH that isn't even interested in your wedding at all? I know when all of my friends got married, I was excited for them and always asked how things were going and if they needed help with anything. If a friend of mine literally did what the ladies here say and "threw on a dress and showed up to the wedding only", I'd be hurt not because of my wedding, but because I clearly lost a friend.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I have a lot of OoT family and friends. But even then I have in town friends that have busy lives, they make money, many have their own family, etc. I would never in my life dream of these people <em>forcing</em> themselves to take their precious free time and having to dedicate to my wedding. No, I would feel like a selfish jerk if I "expected" that of them. </div><div>
</div><div>Same for being interested. Weddings are a hit and miss with people. Some people like them, some do not, everyone in the world is different and if you chose someone who isn't interested in wedding in general then don't expect them to be interested. Also people have busy lives, be in school, work, or just general personal things that can get overwhelming for months before things can get back to normal so the person can have a social life again. I remember not talking to my friends in person, online, phone/text for 2 months because I was just bottled down with work and other things. They didn't get all aggreivated, they knew I was busy and continued talking to one another while I was gone. </div><div>
</div><div>Whatever advice I give, I would definitely give myself. I actually think about what if I was OP situation what would I do to solve it without causing anymore drama. So please do not think we spout out the same old advice and not take it. There are MANY regs Brides here who have been in worse situations than this and have dealt with it using the same advice and have kept their relationships strong.</div>

kellyb1487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:13a54fef-a2fb-45ec-906a-77115f3c4df6Post:89acdbb6-2ce8-4246-bc7e-0a5cbfd51673">Re: MOH problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems : You know what? I agree with you.  After lurking these boards, I am not necessarily sure what I think about the advice that is given to girls in this situation. I think it's great that posters want to take brides a little more "back to earth".. because yes, a lot of brides get so strung out that they treat their bridesmaids like slaves. But at the same time, I don't think ANYONE would be happy with their MOH ignoring the entire wedding except the day of.. even the ladies on here. As a MOH, she is not reqiured to do much for you, but as a friend she should at least give half a crap about you IMO. Everything I've ever read--not just from the "wedding industry" and advertisers, but from etiquette books, websites, planning tools, etc.--has talked about bridesmaid duties. Many are overboard and shouldn't be expected and I agree with the ladies here on that, but seriously who the hell wants a MOH that isn't even interested in your wedding at all? I know when all of my friends got married, I was excited for them and always asked how things were going and if they needed help with anything. If a friend of mine literally did what the ladies here say and "threw on a dress and showed up to the wedding only", I'd be hurt not because of my wedding, but because I clearly lost a friend.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]


Most of the people on this board say this just to remind girls what the base expectation should be.

Would I be hurt if my MOH or any of my BMs for that matter didn't seem excited and involved in my wedding? Of course! Would I be slightly disappointed without a shower or b-party? Probably. But that doesn't change the fact that my friends are my friends for a reason and if they act different during wedding planning than over the course of my friendship with them, I would think that something is up.  Whether theymight be slightly jelous or having a personal issue, I would want to help out my friend. Not keep pushing the wedding stuff.

You don't know her finances, maybe she liked the idea of a b-party, but she realized she can't afford to plan one. Life happens and yes we would all like everyone to be as excited about the wedding day as we are, but in the end they probably won't

Babycakes SE

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:13a54fef-a2fb-45ec-906a-77115f3c4df6Post:89acdbb6-2ce8-4246-bc7e-0a5cbfd51673">Re: MOH problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems : You know what? I agree with you.  After lurking these boards, I am not necessarily sure what I think about the advice that is given to girls in this situation. I think it's great that posters want to take brides a little more "back to earth".. because yes, a lot of brides get so strung out that they treat their bridesmaids like slaves. But at the same time, I don't think ANYONE would be happy with their MOH ignoring the entire wedding except the day of.. even the ladies on here. As a MOH, she is not reqiured to do much for you, but as a friend she should at least give half a crap about you IMO. Everything I've ever read--not just from the "wedding industry" and advertisers, but from etiquette books, websites, planning tools, etc.--has talked about bridesmaid duties. Many are overboard and shouldn't be expected and I agree with the ladies here on that, but seriously who the hell wants a MOH that isn't even interested in your wedding at all? I know when all of my friends got married, I was excited for them and always asked how things were going and if they needed help with anything. If a friend of mine literally did what the ladies here say and "threw on a dress and showed up to the wedding only", I'd be hurt not because of my wedding, but because I clearly lost a friend.
Posted by snorwo3[/QUOTE]

I agree, if I was signing up for MOH/BM duties, I wouldn't think that my job would be to just show up, smile and look pretty.  But I also don't think my job is to pull out all the lavish stops that a bridezilla would want in her head.  Thats why I think it is important to have discussions from the beginning about "what you want" but within reason.

I'm a very hands on person, so I didn't want help with crafting and such, but I did expect them to be there for advice and opinions.  While the shower is not a requirement, I would have love for them to all attend (my mother was hosting)- but my MOH and one BM couldn't come.  Its fine- its didn't make or break my day, but everyone was shocked that my MOH wasn't there. 

For my Bachelorette, MOH left after dinner.  I wish she could have stayed longer and hung out all night, but I was happy she was even able to come (she has a 4 month old and is breastfeeding). 

So, yes I think its understandable to be disappointed, but I think from the beginning its good to talk to your girl(s) and get on the same page and find out what they think their responsibilities are, what you are expecting, and what is reasonable (and affordable).This way if you really are disappointed its not because you "thought" someone would do it- but because you had already discussed it. 

I learned the hard way that my girls are not mind readers hah ;op

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:13a54fef-a2fb-45ec-906a-77115f3c4df6Post:a47af882-9f9c-40c7-a4e9-b188f6e78435">Re: MOH problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems : I agree, if I was signing up for MOH/BM duties, I wouldn't think that my job would be to just show up, smile and look pretty.  But I also don't think my job is to pull out all the lavish stops that a bridezilla would want in her head.  Thats why I think it is important to have discussions from the beginning about "what you want" but within reason. I'm a very hands on person, so I didn't want help with crafting and such, but I did expect them to be there for advice and opinions.  While the shower is not a requirement, I would have love for them to all attend (my mother was hosting)- but my MOH and one BM couldn't come.  Its fine- its didn't make or break my day, but everyone was shocked that my MOH wasn't there.  For my Bachelorette, MOH left after dinner.  I wish she could have stayed longer and hung out all night, but I was happy she was even able to come (she has a 4 month old and is breastfeeding).  So, yes I think its understandable to be disappointed, but <strong>I think from the beginning its good to talk to your girl(s) and get on the same page and find out what they think their responsibilities are, what you are expecting, and what is reasonable (and affordable).</strong>This way if you really are disappointed its not because you "thought" someone would do it- but because you had already discussed it.  I learned the hard way that my girls are not mind readers hah ;op
Posted by Babycakes SE[/QUOTE]

<div>Remember the only thing they are technically responsible for is getting their dress and showing up the day of the wedding. I don't know about you but if any of my friends had to sit me down and confront me what I can and can't do for her wedding I would be getting a really awkward feeling that she might go Bridezilla if something changes down the road and I can't afford or don't have the time to spend on what was originally discussed. So I really don't think going to friends/family and telling them what you are expecting of them is a good choice. </div><div>
</div><div>The simple thing for the Bride to do is don't expect anything besides them having there the day of your wedding in their dress. There is a much better chance that their won't be as many problems like someone being disappointed, their feelings hurt, or just plain drama. </div><div>
</div><div>I have helped a lot of my friends with their weddings, but I do not expect the same because I already know some have busy careers, or they are not very crafty, or they just don't really care about weddings. But if I was having a bad day at work, some tragedy happen, or just how the week has been going, they would listen and be there for me. </div>

Magdala9

This is your friend.  You picked this woman for a reason.  You know this woman and whether the pie-in-the-sky plans are normal for her.  If this is not normal, something is going on.  As her friend, take her out and ask about her life. 

My MOH could not afford to buy her dress, throw a couple of parties due to picking up the mess her parents were in.  (In two months, both parents lost jobs and were in danger of losing their house). 

I was faced with the option of asking her to bow out or come up with an alternate plan.   I am fortunate to have a good job and generous parents, so I handed her the funds necessary to buy her dress and shoes, throw the parties and celebrate with me.  Outside of her, I and DH, no one knew I was bankrolling events.  

I also have some knowledge of housing finance and sat down with her to explain the mortgage and tax situation.   With some finagling and some hard budgeting, we got her parents to refinance with a HECM (a special type of loan) that allows them to use the equity they built up over thirty years to pay off the back taxes and not lose their house.   It will be tight for them for the next couple of years but it is doable. 

When you have a friend as your MOH, you don't suspend your friendship during the wedding planning.

Something is going on with your MOH.  Find out what it is and make informed decisions.

OopsOreo04

Thanks for the advice everyone, I told to her about it and its all a big misunderstanding and we have a girl date this weekend to do non-wedding stuff and to just be ourselves! She explained she wants to do all this stuff but is hesitant because the other BM was taking over and I explained she knows me best and if she is willing and able to do so she can and i would actually prefer it so she is doing just that! So excited now :-)

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:13a54fef-a2fb-45ec-906a-77115f3c4df6Post:688116f8-4981-421d-9ccf-7064f8db0f53">Re: MOH problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Djar.....the person who needs to "be there" for the bride is her fiance. She shouldn't need anybody to "be there" for her anyway, b<strong>ecause a wedding is a HAPPY time.</strong> You don't need people to "be there" for you when you're happy. I'd be more upset that my friends backed out of being bridesmaids because they couldn't afford it than I would about them throwing some two-hour fling for me.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, but the time leading up to it can be stressful! Its just nice to have friends you can turn to for etiquette advice, helping pick out things, venting, etc. I think that is what she meant by "be there." In other words, being a friend...</div>