MOH uninterested

bmedlin

Help! I'm getting married in June and my best friend is my bridesmaid (the only other one is my fiancé's sister and she lives far away)

Right after we got engaged, my best friend was completely uninterested. Every time I brought up wedding stuff, she would always say what she would be doing at her wedding (she is single....). We live across the street from eachother, and every time i would try to hang out, she would make an excuse and not offer a different time that worked better. It was bad enough that I point blank asked her if she was too busy to be involved in the wedding. She said that wasn't the case and it got a little better

She volunteered to help my future MIL with the shower, but my MIL is not the best at responding to emails. I recently decided to register at another place, so I texted my BM letting her know for the invites, after which I was informed that my MIL was not responding and so my BM wasn't involved. I just saw my MIL days before who told me that my BM had asked her about the invites because I was bugging her about them.

I can't kick her out...the dresses have already been ordered. But I don't know what to do! Each time my BM starts casually dating some random guy, it's Iike I don't exist. Our friendship is suffering, and I don't know what to do about it. My mom says she's just jealous.

Should I try talking to her again? I texted her asking if she wanted to be involved in the shower at all, no response. She always has her phone when she's with me, just in case someone more important texts her, so I know she has it. HELP?!?

bmedlin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:bc10df1d-fccd-4a9d-a935-4c581ebb4914">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH uninterested : Also leave your mom out of it.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]



This girl has been around since elementary school, so obviously my mom knows her.

bmedlin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:81a1c08b-b52a-4c8f-8ae4-21f49a11ca96">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sure what she's doing wrong?  She sounds like she's not overly interested in planning the shower, so she doesn't have to.  Take her non-response as a "no".
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]



I just don't get why she was all gung ho about the shower when she was single (2 weeks ago) but now is too busy....

[Deleted User]

This is the first lesson each and every bride must learn: No one will care about your wedding as much as you will. Sure, you know the calendar is moving forward and you have tons to get done before June arrives but from her point of view it's, "The wedding's in June. What's the big deal?" You need to let it go that she has her life going on right now and your wedding is just not the focus of her existence. Lower your expectations and take care of your planning yourself. If you need help, have your FI do it. It's his wedding as well. If all else fails, hire a DOC. I highly recommend this. My wedding isn't until November but she's already been such a great help.

bmedlin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:05aa7fcd-d0db-4f6f-88ee-9297245971ab">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH uninterested : I'm honestly just saying this to be helpful, but do you think your friend feels pressured now into being part of the shower?  Showers are fun GIFTS to give, but when the recipient starts to push for things and then when your mom gets involved.  Can't you maybe see what went wrong here?
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]



She volunteered and was into it until 2weeks ago.

bmedlin

We talk about plenty of other things...actually, before I asked her To put my new registry on the invites, I hadn't talked to her about the wedding since we went for her dress measurement in November. I rarely talk about it, because she is not interested... I don't really care that she is whatever to the wedding. Sure, when she eventually gets married it will be all about her. So, I haven't asked for her assistance in anything. And like I said, she volunteered for the shower. My only concern is the shower not getting done, which is 6 weeks from this week.i really didn't feel like I was expecting too much by making sure the shower stuff is getting done, but you all have shown me that I should probably just scratch it. I'm only having one for convenience, but showers seem like way too much work for people. I have planned the wedding, it's basically done. I didn't ask for any help from her or anyone else. It's just the shower, that she volunteered to be a part of and was until recently.

AddieCake

I'm not sure what she did wrong, either. If the person who is supposed to be helping her (your MIL) is not responding, what is she supposed to do. Am I reading it wrong? You said she volunteered to help your MIL, which, to me, means your MIL is the one really in charge, so I don't think there is danger of it not getting done. 

MairePoppy

Addie- that's how I understood it, also. The FMIL is giving a shower, the bm volunteered to help. The bride texted the registry info to the bm, because her FMIL didn't respond to her email. FMIL also didn't respond to the bm's email. Bm texted back to bride that she is not involved with the invitations. Does anyone know how to use a damn phone, anymore?

Bmedlin- don't be meddling (pun intended) with the shower. The bride never, ever plans the shower, other than supplying a guest list, if asked. Your FMIL and bm have each others contact information, so leave it up to them to work things out.

Don't ask your bm if it's too much for her to be involved with your wedding. That will look like a very heavy hint that you would like to kick her to the curb.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:4a4b7692-559e-4c35-9ad7-35be0a66968c">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]We talk about plenty of other things...actually, before I asked her To put my new registry on the invites, I hadn't talked to her about the wedding since we went for her dress measurement in November. I rarely talk about it, because she is not interested... I don't really care that she is whatever to the wedding. Sure, when she eventually gets married it will be all about her. So, I haven't asked for her assistance in anything. And like I said, she volunteered for the shower.<strong> My only concern is the shower not getting done</strong>, which is 6 weeks from this week.i really didn't feel like I was expecting too much by making sure the shower stuff is getting done, but you all have shown me that I should probably just scratch it. I'm only having one for convenience, but showers seem like way too much work for people.<strong> I have planned the wedding, it's basically done</strong>. I didn't ask for any help from her or anyone else.<strong> It's just the shower, that she volunteered to be a part of and was until recently.
</strong>Posted by bmedlin[/QUOTE]

First bolded.  This is not your concern because you are not hosting the shower.  The only people who should be concerned about it is your FMIL and your BM.  Now if the BM has been trying to get a hold of your FMIL for some time now and your FMIL has not responded, what the heck is your BM suppose to do?  How does she know what your FMIL has done or hasn't done?  It isn't your BMs fault for trying to help out and then after many times of not getting responses to basically throw her hands up in annoyance and move on with her life.  Since your FMIL hasn't really responded to her your BM may be getting the feeling that her help with the shower is not welcomed or needed.

The second bolded.  Good for you.  You planned YOUR and YOUR FI wedding without any outside help.  Do you want a gold star?  Do you want a pat on the back?  This is what you are suppose to do so I don't get why you think it is an amazing feat on your part.

The thrid bolded.  Sometimes with life, things change.  She may have been excited about helping with the shower but then maybe her work, her finances, etc got in the way so her excitedness for it lessened.  It also doesn't help when the person you are suppose to be planning the shower with won't respond to your emails.  That makes contributing very hard.

Peledreamsofrain

Your main problem is that you are hyper focused on getting yourself showered.  Please stop doing this, as you will destroy your relationships, and come out looking extremely bad.

Showers are NOT MANDATORY.  And, they are GIFTS.  You cannot direct people on how to gift you, nor pressure them into gifting you without looking crazy and morally questionable.  If everything falls through, and you don't get a shower, it's ok, your world won't end.  It's not awesome, but you don't die or anything.

Give your friend space, she's clearly tired of listening about wedding talk, and clearly starting to resent all the pressure you are placing on her to give you a gift.  If this were any other occassion, say Christmas, and you kept texting her about giving you some shoes, this would end up exactly the same.  She'd start ignoring the crazy texts blasting her about your demands regarding her gift to you.  And she'd be perfectly justified in doing so.

Also, kicking her out over this would definitely make you The Bad Guy tm.  It would be unwarrented, deeply selfish, and horrible to do to her.  Under no circumstances should you do this.  Again, think Christmas.  Would you publically humiliate and shun her because she got tired of you demanding shoes for Christmas?  No, because that would be aweful.

Same thing here.  It's a GIFT.  Stop demanding GIFTS.  They aren't a right, or a life essential.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:4a4b7692-559e-4c35-9ad7-35be0a66968c">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]We talk about plenty of other things...actually, before I asked her To put my new registry on the invites, I hadn't talked to her about the wedding since we went for her dress measurement in November. I rarely talk about it, because she is not interested... I don't really care that she is whatever to the wedding. Sure, when she eventually gets married it will be all about her. So, I haven't asked for her assistance in anything. And like I said, she volunteered for the shower. My only concern is the shower not getting done, which is 6 weeks from this week.i really didn't feel like I was expecting too much by making sure the shower stuff is getting done, but you all have shown me that I should probably just scratch it. <strong>I'm only having one for convenience</strong>, but showers seem like way too much work for people. I have planned the wedding, it's basically done. I didn't ask for any help from her or anyone else. It's just the shower, that she volunteered to be a part of and was until recently.
Posted by bmedlin[/QUOTE]

What? Explain how bridal showers are convenient, please.

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:4a4b7692-559e-4c35-9ad7-35be0a66968c">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]We talk about plenty of other things...actually, before I asked her To put my new registry on the invites, I hadn't talked to her about the wedding since we went for her dress measurement in November. I rarely talk about it, because she is not interested... I don't really care that she is whatever to the wedding. Sure, when she eventually gets married it will be all about her. So, I haven't asked for her assistance in anything. And like I said, she volunteered for the shower. My only concern is the shower not getting done, which is 6 weeks from this week.i really didn't feel like I was expecting too much by making sure the shower stuff is getting done, but you all have shown me that I should probably just scratch it. I'm only having one for convenience, but showers seem like way too much work for people. I have planned the wedding, it's basically done. I didn't ask for any help from her or anyone else. It's just the shower, that she volunteered to be a part of and was until recently.
Posted by bmedlin[/QUOTE]

Things happen with people, and two weeks isn't a long time for her to go "MIA" as you seem to think.  My last two weeks have been super crazy with work and remodeling our yard....sorry a friends shower that was <strong>6</strong> weeks away that I was just helping with would totally be on the backburner.  That doesn't mean I'm a bad friend, but your wedding isn't my only priority.  You've got to back up and remember that your wedding isn't what everyone else is concerned with.  What the heck needs to be done 6 weeks out from a shower?!  Showers are a gift, so you should start acting like it is one and back off.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:b11f3dba-64af-4aaa-a1be-294d1ca84241">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH uninterested : What? Explain how bridal showers are convenient, please.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Good catch!  This just doesn't make any sense.  Showers are aren't convenient in anyway.

MrsMuq

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:1bca7254-4cf2-4ff2-adc2-b73a2eebcef9">MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]Help! I'm getting married in June and my best friend is my bridesmaid (the only other one is my fiancé's sister and she lives far away) Right after we got engaged, my best friend was completely uninterested. Every time I brought up wedding stuff, she would always say what she would be doing at her wedding (she is single....). We live across the street from eachother, and every time i would try to hang out, she would make an excuse and not offer a different time that worked better. It was bad enough that I point blank asked her if she was too busy to be involved in the wedding. She said that wasn't the case and it got a little better She volunteered to help my future MIL with the shower, but my MIL is not the best at responding to emails. I recently decided to register at another place, so I texted my BM letting her know for the invites, after which I was informed that my MIL was not responding and so my BM wasn't involved. I just saw my MIL days before who told me that my BM had asked her about the invites because I was bugging her about them. <strong>I can't kick her out...the dresses have already been ordered.</strong> But I don't know what to do! Each time my BM starts casually dating some random guy, it's Iike I don't exist. Our friendship is suffering, and I don't know what to do about it. My mom says she's just jealous. Should I try talking to her again? <strong>I texted her asking if she wanted to be involved in the shower at all, no response. She always has her phone when she's with me, just in case someone more important texts her, so I know she has it</strong>. HELP?!?
Posted by bmedlin[/QUOTE]

So, you are seriously thinking about kicking your MOH out because she isn't interested in throwing you a shower, but won't because the dresses are already ordered?

And you texted her very specific info for your shower to maximize the number of presents you'll get off your registry?

A shower is a gift. If she doesn't have the inclination or the financial wherewithal to throw/host it, does that mean you'll stop being friends with her? I guess so, being you're thinking of kicking a childhood friend out of your wedding party over it.

I suggest you remove your head from your rear-end, take a good look in the mirror, and re-think whether you are willing to sacrifice decades of friendship over one day. And if you are, you don't deserve to have friends.

bmedlin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:8595b44b-8cf0-4df8-b1f9-f841095e706a">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH uninterested : Good catch!  This just doesn't make any sense.  Showers are aren't convenient in anyway.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]



Oops..I meant one shower as in only one, vs the two+ that some people have now. I didn't mean I was having a shower for convience. I wouldn't care about having a shower had they not scheduled a date and place (in march, and there's nothing wrong with that) and its already on both of our family's calendars. I'm not really into parties. But I'm also not into the ball being dropped, probably because I do events at my job.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-uninterested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:16201ad2-7978-481a-a685-ac9d032ff988Post:972f4b75-f9ff-4132-801f-9f8b2a5a1c40">Re: MOH uninterested</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH uninterested : Oops..I meant one shower as in only one, vs the two+ that some people have now. I didn't mean I was having a shower for convience. I wouldn't care about having a shower had they not scheduled a date and place (in march, and there's nothing wrong with that) and its already on both of our family's calendars. I'm not really into parties. But I'm also not into the ball being dropped, probably because I do events at my job.
Posted by bmedlin[/QUOTE]

You do know that you can politely decline the shower.  They aren't mandatory and they certainly can't force you to have one.  It is never too late to cancel a party.