Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom

bellanella3

Hi all,

I'm a very lucky woman who just got engaged (Tuesday) to the man of my dreams.  Unfortunately this happiness is plagued with guilt and sadness.  I've waited what feels like my whole life to find my soulmate, I finally did, and now I have this wonderful reason to celebrate,  and I cant.

My mom is depressed. She has been this way for about 10 years (at least from when I started to notice it, but moreso the past few years).  It's a combination of marriage issues she has with my father (they are still married but should have been divorced 20 years ago), and issues she has with her own family. She lives with regret, she feels like everyone has to be on her side or we are all agaisnt her. She makes me have to choose between my dad and her, and if i disagree with her reasoning then I am a horrible daughter.

I've dreamed of the day I would get engaged and start the exciting part of planning a wedding, but now I am coming to the realization that 1- I may have to do this on my own and it breaks my heart that I can't have my mom involved, and 2- without my mom's financial support it will prevent me from having the wedding I always dreamed of, and yes she has the money to help me.

The night my fiance proposed, everyone was SO excited for us. He made it a point to get my entire family together and be there to witness his proposal, everyone said congratulations, except my mom. She was angry and upset that he did it during an inconveient time for HER. She didn't acknowledge the fact that we just got engaged but focused moreso on the impliciations it caused her. I said don't be mad, he wanted to have the whole family there, and she said well you guys are all family, I'm not part of it (we try SO HARD to make her feel involved, i call her almost everyday, etc.. its a lose lose). It's frustrating because she doesn't understand that she is severly depressed, she thinks she is normal and we are all crazy.  She makes excuses and becomes defensive when we try and tell her to talk to someone, she becomes offended and it's 10x worse. 

It's unfair to my fiance as well because this is HIS engagement and HIS wedding too.. all he wants is to see me happy and relish in our newly engaged status, but instead I cry and am upset.  Everyone tells me to not take it personal, it's a sickness, and i may have to just accept that she won't be there for me. I'm not sure I can get over the idea that my mom cannot be happy for her own daughter.

Does anyone have any advice or support? How can I make her 1- get involved and be happy, and 2- help me finanically plan this wedding.  Thank you.

JaxInBlue

Congratulations on being engaged!  It's an exciting time for you and your FI!

To your questions, your mom has an illness.  It would be unreasonable for you to expect your upcoming wedding to alter her mood, her ability to function or her perspective.  Keep in mind that no one will be as excited about your engagement and wedding as you and your FI.  This is something happening to the two of you - not to anyone else.  Lower your expectations of your mom and be suprised if they are exceeded.  If you are having trouble resolving your feelings, reach out to someone (a pastor or counselor, a family therapist, etc.) to get some help.

Building from there, you can't make your mom be involved or be happy.  You can invite her to participate, knowing how she will likely behave, but you cannot think she will be anyone other than the person she has always been.  You also cannot get her to help you financially.  It's rude to expect or to ask anyone to pay for your wedding.  If you and your FI have a vision that you currently cannot afford, come up with a savings plan.  Have a long engagement.  Look for sales between wedding seasons and visit budget wedding guides (the board here is great, as is the DIY board).  If not, plan and pay for the wedding you can have now.

The only person you should absolutely expect help from during the planning process is your FI.  Because you feel that you will not be able to turn to your mom, talk with your FI now about what you will need from him - that he will need to be an involved groom, willing to help you with decisions, appointments, DIY.  Agree to plan something you can manage together or to build a wedding coordinator into your budget.  If you begin to see the planning as something you will be doing with him, creating your day together, you might find yourself becoming more excited about your engagement.

I hope that your mom gets the help she needs and can be more supportive of you.  I hope that this becomes a happy time for you soon. 

FluffyGumDrop2

I know tradition states that the brides family helps pay for the wedding but that is an old tradition and these days most couples pay for the wedding themselves. It's not your mom's job to pay for your wedding so I would try to find a way to let go of those hopes. If she offers you money, awesome, but don't bring it up and ask her what she's going to give you. Also keep in mind that if she does give you money that means she gets a say in your wedding; not trying to judge but why would you want someone who you say is depressed/has issues with marriage calling shots about your wedding? What if she wants you to have something at the wedding that you dont want to do? If you disagree with her will she pull the money back out? You and your fiance should figure out how much you can save over your engagement and plan your wedding with that budget.  Hope that didn't come off harsh or like I'm trying to scold you; I know tone is hard to read on the internet.

If you think she's honestly depressed then your wedding really won't change her mood so don't think that it will. If she really is depressed it could be due to a variety of reasons including chemical which means on some level she is just incapable of feeling a different way. Do you really want to hold it against her for something that might be going on in her brain and she has no control over? I hope you don't find this offensive because not everyone is on board with therapy, but I think you should consider finding someone you can talk to about your experiences with your mom. A lot of times family members of people with issues get taken on a roller coaster ride of emotions; a therapist/counselor could help you learn ways to cope with your life experiences with your mom and figuring out what reasonable expectations are to have. 

If your mom refuses to talk to someone then there sadly isn't much advice I can offer other than stressing it's not a bad thing if you find someone you can talk to. Your mom has been like this for years and there's a good chance she might never change; don't let that ruin your day with your fiance. It sucks; I totally admit it sucks that she isn't a super happy wedding person and I know she's made you feel guilty in the past but try to not let her emotions/behavior affect your wedding. You are definitely not the only one going through something like this; there are a lot of brides out there who don't have a good relationship with their mom, their mom has passed, their mom just isn't a wedding person, etc. Hopefully someone in a similar situation can give you better advice on how they handled it. 

I hope everything works out for you and your mom. 

pearlaqua

Your wedding is not the most exciting thing to happen for your mother, she's not going to change because you are going through a happy period.

Rely on your FI to match your excitement and no one else.  Same goes for wedding funding.

Sorry to hear that your mother is ill and unwilling to get better, but this is sad at any time, not just when you "need" her to be cooperative/contributing financially.

bellanella3

I come from a very old school traditional italian family and it makes me sad that when I was  growing up I went to SO many weddings that were beautiful and I always imagined this would be the same for me..so it's hard to ithink that it won't happen for me. I know that "sounds" bad when you read it, but I can't help but feel disappointed.
I guess it's a mixture of reality setting in and the fact that my mom is really depressed (to the point where she can't be happy Im engaged).  And what's weird is that up until my engagement she was always asking when he was going to buy the ring.. like she was excited about it, but i think now that it's real, she realizes the attention is on me and not her.
 
How can i bring up the budget issue with her ..only because i want to be able to tell my FI's family what we can/cant contribute.. Should we wait a while, or just get it over with?  If my mom says no i'm not helping, i'll take it for what it is, but she's so wishy washy that I dont know if she'll change her mind 3 months later, thats the difficult part.. she has told me sooooooooo many times she's planning on doing this, that, etc and doesnt do it, so it's like being in limbo not sure what mood she's in on a particular day.

Guess i just move on with it as if she won't help me, grieve over the idea, ask if she wants to be involved, if she says no..then thats that..  i'm pretty sure it will be very stressful (she hates my dad's side of the family, so I know she won't want me to invite them),...that's a whole other issue.

JaxInBlue

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_trying-to-plan-a-wedding-with-a-severly-depressed-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1a7a6874-8c24-406d-bcc6-b84430361d07Post:41b7a6e7-2cad-421f-ba78-c276bca2b2ca">Re: Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom</a>:
[QUOTE]I come from a very old school traditional italian family and it makes me sad that when I was  growing up I went to SO many weddings that were beautiful and I always imagined this would be the same for me..so it's hard to ithink that it won't happen for me. I know that "sounds" bad when you read it, but I can't help but feel disappointed. I guess it's a mixture of reality setting in and the fact that my mom is really depressed (to the point where she can't be happy Im engaged).  And what's weird is that up until my engagement she was always asking when he was going to buy the ring.. like she was excited about it, but i think now that it's real, she realizes the attention is on me and not her.   <strong>How can i bring up the budget issue with her ..only because i want to be able to tell my FI's family what we can/cant contribute.. Should we wait a while, or just get it over with?  If my mom says no i'm not helping, i'll take it for what it is, but she's so wishy washy that I dont know if she'll change her mind 3 months later, thats the difficult part..</strong> she has told me sooooooooo many times she's planning on doing this, that, etc and doesnt do it, so it's like being in limbo not sure what mood she's in on a particular day. Guess i just move on with it as if she won't help me, grieve over the idea, ask if she wants to be involved, if she says no..then thats that..  i'm pretty sure it will be very stressful (she hates my dad's side of the family, so I know she won't want me to invite them),...that's a whole other issue.
Posted by bellanella3[/QUOTE]

I don't think there is a way to do this that doesn't come across as sounding entitled or placing pressure on your mom to do something.  Why do your FI's parents need to know how the wedding will be paid for?  If they have offered money for something or towards the wedding, that's great but I don't think it means they are entitled to know if or how much your parents contribute.  DH and I split most of the wedding costs with my parents.  His parents hosted and paid for the rehearsal dinner. (We're very grateful to all of them.) All the other set  of parents knew was that my parents helped with wedding day costs and his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner.  We did not discuss one parent's actual dollar-amount paid with the other.

In your position, I think you and your FI need to decide if you want to do get married sooner, but perhaps without some of the things you had in mind for your wedding day or if you want to come up with a plan to save for the wedding you envision.   Do not count on getting any help until that money is in your hand - either the money itself, a paid notice from the vendor, or some other tangible sign that the money is real.

bellanella3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_trying-to-plan-a-wedding-with-a-severly-depressed-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1a7a6874-8c24-406d-bcc6-b84430361d07Post:1f8e4c66-de21-406a-bdbc-5c2cf51c8f91">Re: Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom : I don't think there is a way to do this that doesn't come across as sounding entitled or placing pressure on your mom to do something.  Why do your FI's parents need to know how the wedding will be paid for?  If they have offered money for something or towards the wedding, that's great but I don't think it means they are entitled to know if or how much your parents contribute.  DH and I split most of the wedding costs with my parents.  His parents hosted and paid for the rehearsal dinner. (We're very grateful to all of them.) All the other set  of parents knew was that my parents helped with wedding day costs and his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner.  We did not discuss one parent's actual dollar-amount paid with the other. In your position, I think you and your FI need to decide if you want to do get married sooner, but perhaps without some of the things you had in mind for your wedding day or if you want to come up with a plan to save for the wedding you envision.   Do not count on getting any help until that money is in your hand - either the money itself, a paid notice from the vendor, or some other tangible sign that the money is real.
Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]

Yea I think i'm just having a hard time understanding her reasoning.. She was so happy that I found a great guy, and she would ask me all the time if he was going to propose, now that he did, i don't get why it's a reason to be unhappy.  That's probably the hard part of being around a depressed person, you don't get their logic. She knows it would make me very happy, I'm her only daughter, and she rather not contribute. I'm not saying she HAS TO but i guess i don't understand why she wouldnt want to. Ive done and helped her a lot and it's sad that she could limit something i've waited my whole life for. And if i have to do it alone with my fiance, fine, but it will hurt.

pearlaqua

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_trying-to-plan-a-wedding-with-a-severly-depressed-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1a7a6874-8c24-406d-bcc6-b84430361d07Post:b02760f4-448f-4ed5-8af6-bea2539807f1">Re: Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom : Yea I think i'm just having a hard time<strong> understanding her reasoning</strong>.. She was so happy that I found a great guy, and she would ask me all the time if he was going to propose, now that he did, i don't get why it's a reason to be unhappy.  That's probably the hard part of being around a depressed person, <strong>you don't get their logic</strong>. She knows it would make me very happy, I'm her only daughter, and she rather not contribute. I'm not saying she HAS TO but i guess<strong> i don't understand why she wouldnt want to</strong>. Ive done and helped her a lot and it's sad that she could limit something i've waited my whole life for. And if i have to do it alone with my fiance, fine, but it will hurt.
Posted by bellanella3[/QUOTE]

She isn't being resonable because she is suffering from a mental illness.

Imagine you had always dreamed of your dad walking you down the aisle.  Your posts are the equivalent of you bemoaning how the wheelchair is putting a cramp in your syle and the way you had imagined being walked down the aisle, and not rolled.  And why can't we see that you've just had your heart set on a father-daughter dance and how your dad's condition might ruin your special day because you don't want to get your train tangled on dad's wheelchair.

Excuse me while I don't cry you a river.  Your wedding is important, but your mother's depression in serious and deserves to be dealt with on its own, not as an obstacle to your wedding day fantasy.

prettyfacegal

Congrats on your wedding....get your mom some help....Plan the wedding on your own if she is not up to it.

GardenMaven

I am going to address the depression portion of this only.  If you want your mom to get the help she needs to get better, you have to take action.  My dad's side of the family is 100% Italian and their passion for family, big parties, and great food are matched by their stubbornness!  In addition, I struggled with depression for several years before finally getting the treatment I needed.  I know how difficult a stubborn and depressed person can be to deal with.

If you want her to seek treatment.  I would suggest having those closest to your mom come together and have an intervention.  These should all be people whom she is ok with, so your dad may not be the best one to be involved.  (I was going to say the people she is 'happy' with, but figured that is no-one at this point.)  Basically you want everyone to say positive and supportive things and avoid criticisms.  You can talk about your concerns, such as her lack of happiness and enjoyment, but try not to be critical or put her on the defensive.  Bring up the idea of therapy and if possible, have a location or even names of specific therapists available.  

Most of the time you need to have an ultimatum, but it has to be something you can follow through on.  Maybe it would include involvement with your wedding in your case, if you think lack of involvement would help push her to treatment.  Or even threatening not to have her there at all.  I know that would be EXTREMELY hard to do, but she is killing herself slowly with a very debilitating and totally treatable illness.  She needs help.  

Regardless of whether or not your mom does seek treatment, I agree with CMGr, it would help if you sought counseling for yourself.  You don't have to see a therapist only when something is 'wrong'.  They are professional sounding boards and are able to help you help yourself.  I think it would really help you understand your mom better and find a way to deal with her that doesn't drag you down.  It would also help with the loss of your dream wedding picture.

My final thought on this super long post!  (Sorry!)  A depressed person will not be logical.  Their mood, energy level, concentration, and ability to see outside of their own world of extreme anger, sadness, and negative introspection will vary from day to day, but it rarely leaves on its own.  Nothing will "snap" her out of it.  $100.00 bills could rain down from the sky, and she'd most likely frown and find something negative about it.  If you want your mom involved, you need to address the depression first.  Otherwise you need to let go and plan your wedding on your own.  

I wish you the best and hope you can have a wonderful wedding and life with your FI!

bellanella3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_trying-to-plan-a-wedding-with-a-severly-depressed-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1a7a6874-8c24-406d-bcc6-b84430361d07Post:5b041c35-0823-447b-a12e-6b8e8505abf2">Re: Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom</a>:
[QUOTE]I am going to address the depression portion of this only.  If you want your mom to get the help she needs to get better, you have to take action.  My dad's side of the family is 100% Italian and their passion for family, big parties, and great food are matched by their stubbornness!  In addition, I struggled with depression for several years before finally getting the treatment I needed.  I know how difficult a stubborn and depressed person can be to deal with. If you want her to seek treatment.  I would suggest having those closest to your mom come together and have an intervention.  These should all be people whom she is ok with, so your dad may not be the best one to be involved.  (I was going to say the people she is 'happy' with, but figured that is no-one at this point.)  Basically you want everyone to say positive and supportive things and avoid criticisms.  You can talk about your concerns, such as her lack of happiness and enjoyment, but try not to be critical or put her on the defensive.  Bring up the idea of therapy and if possible, have a location or even names of specific therapists available.   Most of the time you need to have an ultimatum, but it has to be something you can follow through on.  Maybe it would include involvement with your wedding in your case, if you think lack of involvement would help push her to treatment.  Or even threatening not to have her there at all.  I know that would be EXTREMELY hard to do, but she is killing herself slowly with a very debilitating and totally treatable illness.  She needs help.   Regardless of whether or not your mom does seek treatment, I agree with CMGr, it would help if you sought counseling for yourself.  You don't have to see a therapist only when something is 'wrong'.  They are professional sounding boards and are able to help you help yourself.  I think it would really help you understand your mom better and find a way to deal with her that doesn't drag you down.  It would also help with the loss of your dream wedding picture. My final thought on this super long post!  (Sorry!)  A depressed person will not be logical.  Their mood, energy level, concentration, and ability to see outside of their own world of extreme anger, sadness, and negative introspection will vary from day to day, but it rarely leaves on its own.  Nothing will "snap" her out of it.  $100.00 bills could rain down from the sky, and she'd most likely frown and find something negative about it.  If you want your mom involved, you need to address the depression first.  Otherwise you need to let go and plan your wedding on your own.   I wish you the best and hope you can have a wonderful wedding and life with your FI!
Posted by GardenMaven[/QUOTE]
Thank you for your post, I agree with everything you said. Maybe you have further insight on how to get her on board with the idea of seeking treatment. She believes that she is totally normal and those who think otherwise are only out to hurt her, or they are crazy themselves. I could see her closest friends coming to her but she just dismissing them as if they are trying to start problems. She wont listen to anyone unless they agree with what she is saying. Thats the hard part, she's said things to me and later on i've mentioned it back to her, and she says "i never said that".. yes you did! And its like no i didnt, you are making this up to go agaisnt me etc. I feel like at the point (64 years old ..is she beyond the point of really changing her life with help? I dont know.

GardenMaven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_trying-to-plan-a-wedding-with-a-severly-depressed-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1a7a6874-8c24-406d-bcc6-b84430361d07Post:3e71f1f8-f82d-49ed-8828-a60baaefb600">Re: Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying to plan a wedding with a severly depressed mom : Thank you for your post, I agree with everything you said. Maybe you have further insight on how to get her on board with the idea of seeking treatment. She believes that she is totally normal and those who think otherwise are only out to hurt her, or they are crazy themselves. I could see her closest friends coming to her but she just dismissing them as if they are trying to start problems. She wont listen to anyone unless they agree with what she is saying. That's the hard part, she's said things to me and later on i've mentioned it back to her, and she says "i never said that".. yes you did! And its like no i didnt, you are making this up to go against me etc. I feel like at the point (64 years old ..is she beyond the point of really changing her life with help? I dont know.
Posted by bellanella3[/QUOTE]

<div>You're welcome. :)</div><div>As you stated, your mom doesn't seem willing to change.  I will be honest and say that she may continue to be that way regardless.  Unless someone is a threat to themselves or others, you can't force them to seek treatment.  And it really is best if they are willing to go.  That being said, I think the intervention route is the best.</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds like so far people have been bring up their concerns on a one-on-one basis.  When you are in a one-on-one it can be very easy to dismiss what is being said.  Even if every person you talk to is saying the same thing.  With a group effort, you are dramatically changing the dynamic.  Instead of one person, you have an entire room full of people saying, "I love you, I am concerned about you, I want you to feel happy again".  There's no hiding behind the thought that it was just that one person's 'crazy' notion that you need help.  (The 'you' in this case being your mom, just to clarify.)  </div><div>
</div><div>The main thing to focus on is using positive language and avoiding things that will put your mom on the defensive.  My dad is a master at playing 'the victim', so I know how difficult it can be to have a conversation with someone who thinks you are attacking them.  The best way to test whether or not you are using words that put someone on the defensive is to write it down and then read it out loud, or have someone else read it to you.  It is much easier when you hear the words to determine if they are accusatory or supportive.  I would suggest everyone who will be there do this, so you are all on the same page.  </div><div>
</div><div>You can also consult a counselor or therapist if you think that would help.  I would avoid people who are listed as intervention experts.  Those are the facilitators that you see on the TV show Intervention and that isn't exactly what you are going for.  It is normally better without a facilitator, so the counselor would be more for your benefit and consulting purposes.  They would be better at helping with the wording than I can be over the internet too.  </div><div>
</div><div>Ultimately it is up to your mom whether or not she decides to seek treatment.  And if she does, it won't be a quick "fix".  Even people who take medications for depression don't see an effect for a few weeks or longer.  So don't expect a miracle.  Whatever her decision, you need to take care of yourself.  Dealing with someone who is depressed is very draining.  You can easily be dragged down along with them.  Something I assume you are familiar with!  That was the main reason for my suggestion in my last post for you to see someone yourself.  Because depression is a chronic illness that affects everyone, not just the depressed person.  </div><div>
</div><div>I hope this was helpful.  You can PM me too, if you want.  You may want to look into your local NAMI (<a href="http://www.nami.org/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">nami.org</a>) as a starting point.  They were really helpful for me and my family.  :-)</div>