m-i-l and s-i-l from hell.

chrisstina130

 

Amt2109

Generally, I'd say its your fiances job to deal with his family, and yours to deal with your own.

You say he's on the same page - see if he will talk to them for you - maybe find out what their issue is, or even get them to back off a bit and be civil.

Remember your interactions with the in-laws now can have a huge effect on your relationship with them in the future.

Good luck!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_m-l-s-l-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1ffb372d-1b7c-48bd-bb85-064e0db417dbPost:8ae7568f-a41f-4e1a-8ff3-266614d3524c">m-i-l and s-i-l from hell.</a>:
[QUOTE]my future mother and sister in law are terrible.  they were fine while my fiance and i were dating but have become the wicked witches of the west since we got engaged.  the sister turned 30 and her bf dumped her so i tried to be sympathetic but COME ON. <strong>she wore the same dress as me to my engagement party in a differnet color (KNOWING i was wearing this dress), didnt get us a gift ,forced her way into the bridal party and has complained about every dress,</strong> <em>lies to me all the time about my fiance, invites him to dinner and not me EVER, etc. etc. etc. </em> The future mother in law is more upset about missing her best friend's son's wedding than actually being able to come to ours, <strong>wants to wear WHITE to the wedding, called my sister petty and immature for standing up for me abotu her wearing WHITE</strong>, and is generally a huge bitch.  I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. <font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000"> Would it be completely wrong of me to TELL THEM OFF and tell them they have to either shut up with their negativity and not say anything at all, or not attend.</font>  My fiance is on page with me here and agrees 100% that their behavior has been unaccetable.  I don't want to start things off on the wrong foot but offically dont know what else to do.
Posted by chrisstina130[/QUOTE]

<div>First you need to calm down.</div><div>
</div><div>Next your FSIL, what I bolded you need to get over quick. You don't get dibs on a certain dress, if she got a different color than you I don't see the huge deal. Her not giving you a gift for your engagement party is <strong>petty, no person has to give you a gift and you should never expect it.</strong> Lastly, if you didn't want her you should have stood your ground, but you accepted her in your WP and she does get a say in where her money goes for a dress. Just because your the Bride and get to choose the attire of the WP you still need to respect people's opinions and budgets on the attire. </div><div>
</div><div>In italic, this is your FI's job to stand up for you and say, "sorry, but I am not attending without my FI".</div><div>
</div><div>As for your FMIL, once again. Move on from the issue. She has every right to wear whatever she wants to the wedding, she is not apart of the WP so you have no say in what she can and can not wear. If she wants to wear white (which yes, is only traditionally suppose to be worn by the Bride), people will talk about HER not you. You sister needed to stay out of it completely, her starting a fight with your FMIL over a dress is a bad choice. She might be trying to protect your feelings but she has zero right to start an argument over it. </div><div>
</div><div>As for your question, do NOT tell them off. You will be in these people's lives for a LONG time. Starting out raging at them is NOT good and will be very hard to ever repair. You will be seeing them at holidays, birthdays, etc, and to have a strained relationship already would make all those events very awkward. </div><div>
</div><div>For the most part what you have <u>currently</u> told, does not warrant verbal retaliation. Problems like being shunned from events is something that your FI needs to step up and take care of. You can't let them walk on you and push you into something you don't want to do. But you need to choose your battles of when you and your FI stand up to them because once again, these people will be in your life for a very long time.</div>

graysquirrel

Totally agree with Autumn. The clothing and gift items are not big deals. Let people wear what they want-- this isn't high school and at your wedding everyone will be looking at you, not your MIL.

Kniblet

First:  FSIL was not required to get you a gift.  No one is required to give you a gift, of any kind.

About the rest of it, your FI should speak with his family.  If you go off on them now, imagine what the rest of your life will be like.  They are HIS family right now but they are about to become your family, presumably for the rest of your life.

If your FMIL wears white, people will more than likely whisper about her, not you.  And if she does wear white, no one is going to confuse her with you.  It's something you really cannot control.  No matter what, people always wear what they want to wear.

If FSIL is not being a sport about any dresses, she will regret it, not you.  She'll have to pick something eventually or just not be in the BP.  How are the other maids choosing?  Is there a spending limit?  Are they are wearing what they choose or all wearing the same dress?

I know it's hard, but you have to remember to calm down and breathe.  Families are sometimes the WORST (and possibly ONLY) cause of stress when planning a wedding.  Try to step back and don't say anything that you will regret.  And don't give THEM a reason to say anything about you.  Killing someone with kindness is better than giving them a real reason to make YOU in the bad bride.

Good luck with this.  And talk to your FI.  He should be the one to try and make them back off.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_m-l-s-l-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1ffb372d-1b7c-48bd-bb85-064e0db417dbPost:8ae7568f-a41f-4e1a-8ff3-266614d3524c">m-i-l and s-i-l from hell.</a>:
[QUOTE]my future mother and sister in law are terrible.  they were fine while my fiance and i were dating but have become the wicked witches of the west since we got engaged.  the sister turned 30 and her bf dumped her so i tried to be sympathetic but COME ON. she wore the same dress as me to my engagement party in a differnet color (KNOWING i was wearing this dress), didnt get us a gift ,<strong>forced her way into the bridal party </strong>and has complained about every dress, lies to me all the time about my fiance, invites him to dinner and not me EVER, etc. etc. etc.  The future mother in law is more upset about missing her best friend's son's wedding than actually being able to come to ours, wants to wear WHITE to the wedding, called my sister petty and immature for standing up for me abotu her wearing WHITE, and is generally a huge bitch.  I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.  Would it be completely wrong of me to TELL THEM OFF and tell them they have to either shut up with their negativity and not say anything at all, or not attend.  My fiance is on page with me here and agrees 100% that their behavior has been unaccetable.  I don't want to start things off on the wrong foot but offically dont know what else to do.
Posted by chrisstina130[/QUOTE]

How did SIL <em>force</em> her way into your bridal party? Did she hold a gun to your head and threaten to shoot you until you asked her to be a bridesmaid?

chrisstina130

thank you guys for all your advice.  it helped rationalize things for me.  in response to the questions i received:  mother in law is wearing a $2,000 floor length white gown. it wouldn't have bothered me as much if it was short. but i will try and let it go.  sister in law forced her way into my wedding party this way:  i didn't ask her to be a part of it. she called her mother (fmill) and bashed me completely. fmil then called FI and asked him to make me put her in the bridal party so she would calm down. grant you sil is 30 years old. i then said no and FI begged me to let her in so that this would go away. i love FI so i said yes.

i am getting over it all and just ignoring their comments at this point which have amounted to saying i will most likely look chubby in my wedding gown and that i should check if i can still change it.

AutumnFair

Glad you are rationalizing things. Sounds like your FMIL is going to make a fool of herself by buying a $2000 white dress for one day, your guest will commend your patience and attitude toward the situation. 

As for how FSIL got in, basically your FI gave up on not wanting to stand up to his mom and guilt tripped you.  Please don't let him do this again, because his mom WILL do this in the future and he needs to stand up to her NOW and set boundaries like flat out tell her, "sorry mom, but we have made our decision . This topic is now closed" or he needs to stop talking to them for a while.

As for their comments if they say something regarding your weight, I would tell them it is not appreciated and I would definitely tell your FI so he can deal with them. By the sounds of it, I would avoid his family as much as possible and your FI needs to stand up for you when they make rude comments like that. 

Since your still looking for dresses, I would ask FSIL her budget and after a dress is picked be done with her until the day of the wedding. 

Sounds like FSIL is spoiled brat and FMIL sounds like a controlling attention seeker, don't know if they were always like that but it is definitely something your FI needs to take care of when they become rude or demanding. 

Good luck.

Davesgrl2011

If it makes you feel any better I would also be SUPER PISSED.  Despite what everyone says, and I agree that there is nothing you can do, it is tacky for her (or anyone) to wear white to a wedding.  However, I agree that everyone who sees her will sympathize with you.  She will be the only looking like a fool, while you will be seen as the totally understanding, laid back bride. 

And as for not giving you a gift, I agree that there is no obligation to give a gift.  I also think that by NOT giving a gift she is, in a sense, drawing a line in the sand.  Unless she is low on funds, chipped into a engagement gift that your FI parents gave, or honestly didn't realize she should buy a gift.  Do you think she was making a statement by not buying a gift?  Or is she just kinda, harmlessly, thoughtless?  My FI and I didn't get engagement gifts really from anyone. 

And while I am mad for you, I also agree that the best way to handle this is by being nice, putting a smile on your face, and saying nothing.  Kill'em with kindness.  These are relationships you will have for the rest of your life.  Just be glad that your fiance doesnt have blinders on to the behavior of his family.  You two sound like a team. 

And keep us posted!

Good Luck!