Moms and Maids

Monster in law question

Last Christmas my fiance and I pretty well cut ties with his mother because she is emotionally abusive to him (well to everyone really).  His parents divorced last year. She texts him occasionally as if nothing happend but we would really need her to apologize to us in order to have her back in our life (and that is NOT going to happen).  Problem being she is still friends with his dad, and brother.  She is not just going to not come to our wedding and I know that.  Even without an invite Im sure we'll be seeing her.  I am trying to figure out what I can do to either make sure she doesn't come to our wedding unless she puts work in to repairing her relationship with her son, or at least that she doesnt say anything really awful into a microphone on our day.  There are varying degrees of terrible things she might do.  There has never been an event I have seen her at where she didn't say something awful to embarrass him.  What can I do?  Any suggestions?  Its so bad I've actually thought about hiring security.  Can I do that?

Re: Monster in law question

  • First, let me say I'm sorry you're facing this. My FMIL is pretty terrible too, so I understand. And a question: is she paying for anything? If so, I would also recommend you declining her money, because money=power over things, and that doesn't sound like something you need.

    I would start realizing that your FMIL may never apologize for her behavior. This is what I'm having to do with our respective situation. I will never be rude or ugly to her as she was to me, but I will not be overly warm and friendly either. If you take the high road, you will be far more blameless and can boast you are/were the mature one about it. 

    Yes, you CAN hire security, and it is not a bad idea, but I would not recommend barring her from your wedding. That seems like it might cause more problems than it's worth, unless your FI truly does not want her there and he is fine with the reprocussions of that (which it sounds like may be the case) I would have them there to escort her away if she starts acting up. Also let your DJ know she is not allowed to have the mic.
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  • You can hire security, if you plain want to keep her out.

    If you can handle her as a guest, but don't want to give her a microphone, just tell whoever controls the sound system (DJ, day-of coordinator, friend) that only people on the list you give him are allowed to speak at the microphone, then it should be turned off and disconnected. Most weddings have too many speeches anyway, IMO.
  • Also, on the day, if she shows up, point her out to whomever is in charge, and the DJ and do not let her near the mike.
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  • Can you and FI start a convo with his dad and brother and let them know Mom isn't invited?  That could mean they decide not to come too but if she is as abusive as you say she is maybe it's for the best.
  • Thank you so much for all the support guys.  I feel better just knowing other people are dealing with similar issues.  She's def not paying for anything.  I would have her as a guest but she has a special way of finding just the right way to hurt my FH and ruin his day.  If I could afford it I would buy her a plane ticket and send her to the other side of the world that day :P  But you're right, I can do this!
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It is up to your FI if he wants to invite his mom or not.  Just be supportive of his final decision. And yes, you can hire someone to keep her out of the venue.  If the ceremony is in a church, just be aware that all people are welcomed into churches.  So she may just show up there.

    If she does get invited, as PP said, let the DJ know, so she does not get a microphone.  Alert the venue staff as well.  Make sure the bartenders serve her weak drinks (not saying she's an alcoholic, just don't want to give her artificial reasons to act out!), and tell the venue she can be escorted out at any point they feel she needs to leave. 
  • I hope everything goes smoothly for you - those situations are no fun.

    Along similar lines, I have a question.  My mother's baby sister is one of those who is nice when she wants to be, but to be blunt she was a terrible mother and is so mean.  I thought she had changed last year, but her 'M.O.', if you will, is making double-edged comments that sound nice but she really is rude and hurtful - she has always been like this.

    My final straw came last year when she made a comment about my mother - I've just had it with her.  My mom is my best friend and it hurt my heart when it happened.

    SO - this aunt will expect to be invited, and my mother will receive the brunt of her wrath if she isn't.  But I don't want to be on my toes all day, waiting for her to say something.

    Ideas?  Thanks!
  • Thanks for the great advice everyone!  It really took the pressure off.

    Now on to Book Lover's question.

    That is a bummer.  I always take insults toward my mom way harder than insults to me.  So I can totally relate.  Maybe what you need to do is have a little girl time with your mom where you really get it out there that this woman is only making herself look ridiculous by being so awful.  A little pep talk the day before the action starts might help you both get  ready to deflect her negativity.  Unfortunately people like that only get worse at an event that isn't making them the centre of attention. 

    I like what Olive Oil's Mom said.  Tell the bartender to make her drinks weak.  That will keep her from getting any worse.  And there is no greater revenge than a poorly made cocktail.

    Alternatively you could nice her to death and ask for her opinion on things before the wedding and use one of her ideas (something small and unimportant to you) so that you can remind her what a great idea she had and how you used it and how brilliant she is.  That could keep her focused on how great she is instead of her own negativity. 
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