Mother-in-law is RUINING my wedding planning expierence!

sheenammeder

I

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-ruining-wedding-planning-expierence?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3cb4e54c-85f9-437d-a557-4928e433c1ccPost:b6a9126b-9c2a-410e-9a82-4beb782d8a86">Mother-in-law is RUINING my wedding planning expierence!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been with my fiance for close to 5 years so I am well aware of the abrasive nature of his mother. She has no tact or filter as to what is acceptable to say in social situations- I have accepted this. But, now its ruining everything. First- she cant stop making comments about how rediculous it is that they (my fiances parents) are paying for the wedding (they are very well off and my parents are close to broke). She actually turned to me the day we got engaged and rather than offer a congratulations, she asked me if my parents had started saving their money yet. Such a completely innapropriate question to ask. Then, they day I found "my dress" with all my bridesmaids and my mom in tow, I started to cry. As everyone let out an "awww" she snapped, "oh stop!". Stop?! Stop? She told me to STOP crying when I found my wedding dress for peats sake! Then, she shoved this awful and dated venue down our throats and got soooo mad when I said I didnt care for it. She screamed "why cant you keep an open mind"! Even though we told her several times that we were not interested in the venue. She then admitted she only liked it becuase it was in town and she wouldnt have to drive far to another venue. I have been dreaming of my wedding my whole life, heck I even joined The Knot before I got engaged. This woman is driving me crazy. She is taking all the fun out of these once-in-a-lifetime expierences. How do I deal with her? I feel like she has no respect for the fact that this is OUR wedding, not hers. Her 3 kids from another marraige have all already had a handful of wedding between them, why cant she let us have this one? HELP!
Posted by sheenammeder[/QUOTE]

There's a very, very easy solution to your "problem".  Pay for your own wedding.  If you don't like her ideas and her restrictions, then don't accept her money.   It's really that easy.

As for her "ruining" your planning process.  She doesn't have the power to ruin it for you.  You're giving her that power.  You know she's abrasive.  You know she has no filter.  Why do you think she'd suddenly develop one now, just because you're engaged?

Remember:  you can't control what other people do.  You can only control how you respond to their actions. So when she does/says something you don't like, let it go.  She can't ruin anything unless you let her.

[Deleted User]

Ditto trix. Money = strings attached

EJCart

I have to echo the other ladies . . .  if the money from his parents isnt a gift (meaning they're not just handing you a lump sum to do what you want) then you're stuck with her, to some extent. If paying for it yourselves isnt an option, then you and she will have to sit down and hash it out.

Best of luck!

Simply Fated

It might be your wedding, but it's their money.
They do get a say in how it is spent.
You said you have been "dreaming of my wedding my whole life", but I guess you based your dreams on how much your future in-laws were willing to spend?

melissamc2

First of all, she's not "ruining" anything.  From the sound of your post, she's making it possible, so she's not entirely terrible.

Secondly, very few couples get to have their dream wedding if someone else's money is involved.  Very few brides are going to have a great time during the planning process if everything is going through their FMIL.

Most women who have dreamed about their wedding their entire lives have also done something along the way to ensure that they can have that.  I don't fault your parents' not being able to afford that kind of wedding - they don't have to be able to afford it; you (and/or your fiance) do.  The minute you start accepting money from other places, you're giving other people the ability to change your dream.

I've also not really heard anything about your fiance in all of this, other than the fact that he has parents with money. How does he feel about it all?  What kind of wedding does HE want? 

Perhaps the two of you need to re-evaluate what is important to you.  I completely understand wanting to have a beautiful wedding, so I hope something can be worked out.  Good luck!

Muffin'sMom

Easyanswer...pay for your own wedding.  If you do, you do not have to deal with her opinion.  If you take her money, you get her.  You said you have known she was hard to handle for 5 years, why do you think she would change now?  People are who they are!

SSaltzman87

I do agree with the PPs that your FMIL is indirectly being given the power over you thanks to your FI's family footing most of the money (if I were paying for a wedding that wasn't mine-I'd wanna know where it was going too), BUT that absolutely doesn't give her the right to be such a snot.

The easy solution is to pay for your own wedding, but I have a feeling that said FMIL will be a snot regardless of who's paying for it.

If above solution is not at all feasible, just give FMIL as few details as possible so she doesn't have much to comment on.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-ruining-wedding-planning-expierence?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3cb4e54c-85f9-437d-a557-4928e433c1ccPost:b6a9126b-9c2a-410e-9a82-4beb782d8a86">Mother-in-law is RUINING my wedding planning expierence!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been with my fiance for close to 5 years so I am well aware of the abrasive nature of his mother. She has no tact or filter as to what is acceptable to say in social situations- I have accepted this. But, now its ruining everything. First- she cant stop making comments about how rediculous it is that they (my fiances parents) are paying for the wedding (they are very well off and my parents are close to broke). She actually turned to me the day we got engaged and rather than offer a congratulations, she asked me if my parents had started saving their money yet. Such a completely innapropriate question to ask. Then, they day I found "my dress" with all my bridesmaids and my mom in tow, I started to cry. As everyone let out an "awww" she snapped, "oh stop!". Stop?! Stop? She told me to STOP crying when I found my wedding dress for peats sake! Then, she shoved this awful and dated venue down our throats and got soooo mad when I said I didnt care for it. She screamed "why cant you keep an open mind"! Even though we told her several times that we were not interested in the venue. She then admitted she only liked it becuase it was in town and she wouldnt have to drive far to another venue. I have been dreaming of my wedding my whole life, heck I even joined The Knot before I got engaged. This woman is driving me crazy. She is taking all the fun out of these once-in-a-lifetime expierences. How do I deal with her? <strong>I feel like she has no respect for the fact that this is OUR wedding, not hers. </strong>Her 3 kids from another marraige have all already had a handful of wedding between them, why cant she let us have this one? HELP!
Posted by sheenammeder[/QUOTE]

I feel like you have no respect for the fact that she is paying for your wedding.

Money = strings. If you don't like them, figure out a way to pay for your own wedding because that is the only way to get rid of them.  For the record, I work with a woman who paid for her son's entire wedding and was very resentful because neither the couple nor the parents kicked in anything - same situation as yours but she would have been happy had they contributed <em>anything</em>.  To make matters worse, when they got the wedding photos back there was a whopping 7 pics of the parents of the groom and tons of pics of the parents of the bride.

deepcovejackie

Yep, what pp's have said.  I'd decline the money that FI's family offers and have the wedding you can afford.  Then you can call the shots.

Kristin789

You're not getting married FOR A YEAR.  No need to be fighting about all of this now.  Stop talking about the wedding all the time.

And I agree with the pp's that you don't mention FI once.  Looks like you were so very eager to get married, you found someone to play the role of GROOM.  And his mother sees this, and she's calling you out on wanting the big show but not really loving her son completely nor saving up some money of your own - you have a YEAR - to help with any of this...

zitiqueen

Where is your FI in all of this? Does he have an opinion regarding his mother's behavior?

aerinpegadrak

When someone is paying for your wedding, they get to choose how to handle their money.  That can run the spectrum anywhere from writing you a check and giving you full control of the details, to making every decision and having you show up as guests.  And wherever they choose to fall on that spectrum is absolutely and fully within their rights.  All you can do as a bride is accept their generous gift in whatever manner that it is presented (even if this means giving up on some of the things you wanted for the party), or turn down their money and pay for it all yourself.  That's just life.

saorisenyl

Pay for it yourself... we have actually turned down financial help. 

It's tight... and sometimes we stress.  But its GREAT to be in control and be able to say .. "yeaaaaaa but I dont think so".

sheenammeder

Well I must say I am shocked. I went on here looking for support. I was hoping for some words of encouragment, comfort and strength. Last time I ever post on these boards.

In no way was I complaining that she was having a strong opinion, of course, she is writing the check. I was fully prepared for that. My complaint was about her surly attitude, negative comments, and rude disposition. I was hoping to get some tips on how to deal with people not bringing down my own personal joy with their negativity. My poor fiance is so stressed about the situation too. He apologizes to me constantly and stands up for me when she says something rude but then he upsets her. I prefer to not drag him into the situation and I always assure him "im fine".

In the future I guess I wont air my grevances to total strangers.

 

sheenammeder

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-ruining-wedding-planning-expierence?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3cb4e54c-85f9-437d-a557-4928e433c1ccPost:da639177-3594-4015-9756-964311ccb39b">Re: Mother-in-law is RUINING my wedding planning expierence!</a>:
[QUOTE]It might be your wedding, but it's their money. They do get a say in how it is spent. You said you have been "dreaming of my wedding my whole life", but I guess you based your dreams on how much your future in-laws were willing to spend?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I based my dreams on the amazing man I was going to marry someday.I was going to handle the finacial side of it once I found the person I was going to marry. My fiance had told me almost through our whole courtship that someday his parents were going to pay for our wedding. I cant belive how rude that comment was.

sheenammeder

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-ruining-wedding-planning-expierence?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3cb4e54c-85f9-437d-a557-4928e433c1ccPost:61c80676-9c93-4e11-be0a-2fdc08941aaf">Re: Mother-in-law is RUINING my wedding planning expierence!</a>:
[QUOTE]You're not getting married FOR A YEAR.  No need to be fighting about all of this now.  Stop talking about the wedding all the time. And I agree with the pp's that you don't mention FI once.  Looks like you were so very eager to get married, you found someone to play the role of GROOM.  And his mother sees this, and she's calling you out on wanting the big show but not really loving her son completely nor saving up some money of your own - you have a YEAR - to help with any of this...
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

You are so unbelievably rude. I hope to god you do not give anyone else any advice.

AutumnFair

Wow, deleting your post and spamming, not a good move (and you've been here awhile and know better). Plus you've been quoted so its not like your rant is going away. If you go back and reread your OP you have to see how entitled you sound in your second half. 

Basically the girls are right, if your getting to the point where your FMIL is taking all the "fun" out of wedding planning then decline their money and pay for the wedding yourself, then all her demands can go by the way side. But if she is paying, she can voice her power of paying opinions as much as she wants. I know it must feel like crap having to be with someone that has a different "view" then you but as long as she is paying she holds that power over you and your FI. There isn't a whole lot of advice to give besides either sucking it up and compromise with her as best you can or decline her money and pay for it yourselves. By the looks of it she likes having the power and she doesn't seem willing to give many decisions to you. 

As for her making snarky comments about your parent's paying and the dress, you need to let it slide. Yeah, it was rude for her to say but you already know that she doesn't have a filter and the best thing you can do is brush it off because its already passed and there is nothing you can do now, so let the negative feelings for situation go, its not worth holding onto and working yourself up. If she makes snarky comments in the future about your dress, parents not paying, etc just respond simply by "that nice, I'll take your idea in consideration" or "yes, you are very generous helping us out because you nor my parents have to" and change the subject.  

sheenammeder

I wish I could take the whole post back but once you have been quoted, you cant delete the thread. I erased as much as The Knot would let me but I fail to see how I am "spamming"?
I regret ever posting here.

AutumnFair

There is reason theknot doesn't let you DD anymore, because you are not the only one who has problems with a FMIL paying for your wedding and the Bride getting little say. Plus its a slap in the face for those who have read your post and took time to respond. You spamming by posting 3 post in a row with a 5 minute time frame. Your responding to separate people but you could have easily just used basic quote tags. 

And your lack of maturity is astounding, just because you do not like what people wrote to you, you throw a fit and run away. It's called sucking it up and understanding that you might actually be in the wrong. But hey, if you don't want to take our advice that's your choice but I doubt your situation with your FMIL is going to go away when you get passive aggressive when something isn't going your way. But anyway, hopefully you will maybe open up and things work out.  

tldh

Autumn, you're becoming a poster I look for on threads!!!

OP - I just reread all of the posts and all I can say is you have a strange idea of what rude is.  Every single one of us told you that the only way to stop this is to pay for your own wedding.  Nobody was rude or mean.  If you want a lovey dovey support group that is never going to tell you the truth, then I'd suggest going to weddingwire.  They'll let anyone make a spoiled brat a$$ of themselves in any situation - ok, that's rude and mean but after your response posts and your DD, I don't give a damn. 

TK posters try to stop brides from doing this.  Would you rather hear comments from strangers whom you will never meet or hear comments made behind your back from friends and family?

twilmoth23

Girl, I am so sorry. The people on here are so mean and disrespectful. I completely know how you feel. I too have a mother in law who is so rude and mean to me! It's like she is trying to compete with me for her sons love except im not playing! She even went as far as calling my mom and cursing her out for something she had nothing to do with. We are still trying to recover! I was happy when I read your post because I felt like someone understood what I was going through right now. The "ladies" commenting don't understand what its like and love the feeling of being a BITCH. Its funny because they will probably turn out like the mother in laws we are dealing with to their sons! Keep your head up and ignore the comments from everyone, including your mother in law. In the south we say "Bless your heart" to our enemies...it means screw you. So to everyone who has nothing nice to say and can't give this girl some support...Bless your heart!

Viczaesar

@twilmoth23, this thread is 4 years old.  Please don't bump old threads.  Also, you're breaking the rules by calling other posters bitches.  @kmmssg

twilmoth23 said:

Girl, I am so sorry. The people on here are so mean and disrespectful. I completely know how you feel. I too have a mother in law who is so rude and mean to me! It's like she is trying to compete with me for her sons love except im not playing! She even went as far as calling my mom and cursing her out for something she had nothing to do with. We are still trying to recover! I was happy when I read your post because I felt like someone understood what I was going through right now. The "ladies" commenting don't understand what its like and love the feeling of being a BITCH. Its funny because they will probably turn out like the mother in laws we are dealing with to their sons! Keep your head up and ignore the comments from everyone, including your mother in law. In the south we say "Bless your heart" to our enemies...it means screw you. So to everyone who has nothing nice to say and can't give this girl some support...Bless your heart!

kmmssg

@twilmoth23 since this is the first time you have posted I will not ban you for calling other posters a bitch.  However, I strongly suggest you review the terms of service you agreed to when you became a member of this site as the next time you will be banned.

-closed-