Moms and Maids

Problems with family, Advise Plz! * long*

I HATE my SIL (brother's wife). Now I know that's a VERY strong statement and it's just how I feel. She's not a good person AT ALL! Background on the situation: She has a bad habit of running away. I mean literally. And it's a frequent occurrence: she'll stay home for 2 weeks or a month; my brother never knows how long she'll be home. And to make matters worse they have 3 small (under 5!) children. She'll say she's going outside to make a phone call or running to the store and disappears for days or weeks. Now none of this directly involved me, so I stayed out of it, until my brother's car broke and he asked me to pick her up one time. Being that I adore my baby brother very much and I live closer to where she was, I agreed. On the trip to bring her back home, she giggled and asked why I even waisted my gas to come get her and talked trash about my brother the whole way. Not only that but she's tried to get FI's "attention". On more then one occasion he's come home and handed me his phone and asked me to take care of the situation. Apparently, when he didn't txt or call back, she didn't get the clue. She's stolen money and things from my home; talked bad about me to MY children and friends. She even LIED to FI to try to get him to break up with me!

Well, my main problem is that-although it's killing me; I'm not inviting my brother and his wife to our wedding. I can't *just* invite him, and I REFUSE to invite her. And my parents are trying to push me into "fixing my issues" with her so that my brother can come to the wedding. I cannot even stomach the idea of having a friendship with her. I am polite when we are at family functions, although I don't engage her in convo, I answer politely when she speaks to me then walk away. But that's as far as I am willing to go.

Should I just suck it up and invite them? I do NOT want her to be there, but like I said: I adore my baby brother and all my little nieces. I just don't need drama on our wedding day.

Re: Problems with family, Advise Plz! * long*

  • If you want your brother and nieces to attend the wedding then yes, you'll have to invite her. Although, if she's a known klepto, you may not have to invite her on that little technicality. I wouldn't want to run the risk of stealing from guests.

    She sounds like a crazy pants.

    Honestly though, you have 556 days until your wedding. It's not like you have to make a decision now. Maybe things will change in the next year and a half?
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  • In Response to Re: Problems with family, Advise Plz! * long*:
    If you want your brother and nieces to attend the wedding then yes, you'll have to invite her. Although, if she's a known klepto, you may not have to invite her on that little technicality. I wouldn't want to run the risk of stealing from guests. She sounds like a crazy pants. Honestly though, you have 556 days until your wedding. It's not like you have to make a decision now. Maybe things will change in the next year and a half?
    Posted by mbody
    To be totally honest, my brother married her in 2008, and things haven't gotten any better in the last 3 years. She was nice until they got married but then she just changed. I did try in the beginning, but now I just feel nothing put pure anger and disgust for this girl.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    What kind of attention is she trying to get from your Fi?
                
  • Well if you don't think anything will change, and she will most likely be in your life for a very long time, I'd just grin and bear it for one day. You will be so busy that day and mingling with everyone, you'll hardly even notice her. Personally, I'd want my brother and nieces at the wedding and having her there VS not having any of them there.

    Maybe she will be on one of her little disappearance acts during the time of your wedding?
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  • In Response to Re: Problems with family, Advise Plz! * long*:
    What kind of attention is she trying to get from your Fi?
    Posted by MairePoppy
    At first it was really innocent, but then she started text him telling him that bro is horrible to her and that's why she acts the way she does. Saying that if he was like FI that she would be a "good girl". Telling him that she's attracted to him. Honestly, I went off the handle at those and she hasn't text him since. But it upset me that it was done in the first place!
  • In Response to Re: Problems with family, Advise Plz! * long*:
    Well if you don't think anything will change, and she will most likely be in your life for a very long time, I'd just grin and bear it for one day. You will be so busy that day and mingling with everyone, you'll hardly even notice her. Personally, I'd want my brother and nieces at the wedding and having her there VS not having any of them there. Maybe she will be on one of her little disappearance acts during the time of your wedding?
    Posted by mbody
    I'm hoping so. I know that sounds horrible, but I'm honestly praying for that1
  • Don't make this decision now - you have well over a year until your invitations go out, there's no need to take such a hard-line approach this far in advance.  If your parents bring the situation up, just tell them you appreciate their input and you're giving it some thought.  Then see how you feel when it's time to actually mail the invitations.  For me personally, I'm close with my brother (he's actually my MOH), so I'd be inviting him no matter how awful his wife was, but your SIL sounds kind of insane, so I can completely understand your feeling that it may be easier just to exclude them.  Either way, you have plenty of time to see how things play out between all of you and to make a final decision, so take your time with it.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    She sounds like she needs some help, mentally. Have you told your brother about those texts and that she stole from you? I think her bad behaviour overrides the 'couples must be invited as a social unit' rule. But I'm sure that inviting your brother, his kids, minus his wife will not result in him coming to your wedding without her. It will probably cause more trouble, unfortunately.

    It will be another year and a half before it's time to send out those invitations. Hopefully, your brother and his wife will have resolved their issues by counseling or splitting up before then. Time is on your side, don't think about this for right now.


                
  • I'm with PPs that you shouldn't take a hard stance on this until closer to the wedding when it actually becomes an issue.  So much can change, it's just better to leave it open ended until you have to make a decision.

    That said, if the time for invitations to go out comes along and the situation is exactly as it is today - if it were MY brother? I'd invite them.  Him not being there, and missing from family photos would be way more of a sacrifice, to me, than putting up with a SIL I hate. 

    Does he know how you feel about her?  While etiquette clearly dictates they be invited as a couple that doesn't necessarily mean she'll attend.  Perhaps he's aware of how much her presence upsets you and will figure out a way to attend alone.
  • In Response to Re: Problems with family, Advise Plz! * long*:
    I'm with PPs that you shouldn't take a hard stance on this until closer to the wedding when it actually becomes an issue.  So much can change, it's just better to leave it open ended until you have to make a decision. That said, if the time for invitations to go out comes along and the situation is exactly as it is today - if it were MY brother? I'd invite them.  Him not being there, and missing from family photos would be way more of a sacrifice, to me, than putting up with a SIL I hate.  Does he know how you feel about her?  While etiquette clearly dictates they be invited as a couple that doesn't necessarily mean she'll attend.  Perhaps he's aware of how much her presence upsets you and will figure out a way to attend alone.
    Posted by Kate61487
    Totally agree with this, especially the bolded part. How does your brother feel about everything? How does he handle her actions? Does he know how she has treated you?

    I would personally be really tempted to not invite someone who was trying to break up my relationship, even if it is considered bad form not to invite her. However, if that would mean that your brother and his kids wouldn't come and would be upset, I think I would just err on the side of having her there. If she makes a scene, then she looks like the idiot, not you.
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  • In Response to Re: Problems with family, Advise Plz! * long*:
    I think I would just err on the side of having her there. If she makes a scene, then she looks like the idiot, not you.
    Posted by graysquirrel
    Definitely something else to consider, especially if the rest of your family's aware of her craziness. Security at your wedding could be considered too.
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  • Thank you ladies for all of the advice. Unfortunately, my guest list is not very long (60 invited, about 40 expected) and she's the type to follow a person around, just to get a reaction. And if she doesn't get the reaction she want's there's he!! to pay.

    @ MairePoppy: This is probably going to sound horrible, but because my mother keeps 2 of the children on a constant basis (one could even go as far as to say she always has them!); I had already planned to put those 2 on my parent's invitation. So essentially, they will be attending.

    @ Kate and Grey: Yes, he does know how I feel. The day that she text my FH and told him that she was attracted to him and asked if he felt the same; a verbal war broke loose. At that point my bro asked her to leave the home and she did for about 2 months but then begged to come back.

    @ SSaltzman87: Exactly the drama that I want to avoid. She's a loose cannon and throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way or feels that people are ignoring her. And I do mean *tantrums* yelling, slamming doors, crying- the whole bit. Which is absolutely ridiculous for a 24 y/o to do.
  • My SIL is a bitch from hell too. Smack talker with a im too good attitude . I love my brother and I'm inviting them both. I dont have to like her and she can elect in or out . Just take pride your not her . Im sure your brother loves you enough to show up with or without her. I know my brother does. :) Good luck girl stay strong!

  • One more thing... designate someone who can escourt her out if she gets rowdy remember no one will blame you for her actions
  • APP07, that was my favorite thing I've read today.
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