Moms and Maids

Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive

I have been dating my fiance for 6 years now and we have been engaged for about ten months.. The moment he told his family, particularly his parents, were completely un-supportive of the whole thing. 

Some background.. we started dating when we were 16 years old, and saw each other once a week because we went to different high schools. I am a shy person and was extremely shy in front of his parents. His parents have always seen this as me being rude and inconsiderate  but I was 16 at the time. And for the past six years, get-togethers with them have been increasingly awkward and uncomfortable. My fiance himself has had a strained relationship with them because he is highly independent and in the past year their relationship has become even more strained. They disagree with most things that we do in our lives together, including living together, jobs we have, and now the fact that we are getting married. 

Recently we have gotten in multple arguments with them about the wedding, because according to them it is not our wedding, but rather the famllies wedding. They expect to be involved with every thing that goes on, and expect to be informed of every single detail that we plan. I do not have the relationship with them that would make me consider tellling them any detail because they have never been happy or positive about the things that we telll them. As of right now, they know of everything that we have planned, but still say that they do not know anything about the wedding. We currently go to school two hours away and rarely go home to see them and this is another thing that they have a problem with. In the last arguments that we have had, they have said multple things to me that were extremely hurtful and downright wrong about me particularly. My fiance has defended me and has told them not to speak to me that way,but they continue to do and say that they have the right to. 

This is a lot of information, but basically I wanted to know how to deal with these people when our wedding is still 9 months away. They are putting an extreme about of stress onto me at a time when I am attending school, studying for the PCAT, and planning a wedding. 

Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive

  • Our advice will completely depend on where the money is coming from.  Here's the scenarios:

    A.)  You are paying for everything yourselves:  In which case, to heck with their drama.  Smile, carry on, politely deflect, change the subject, and have the wedding you want.  Your money, your rules.  Period.

    B.) They are paying for everything themselves:  Sorry, but tough cookies.  You're being horribly rude by hedging them out on how their money is being spent.  Their money, their rules.  Period.

    C.) Halvsies: Whatever they are paying for is their say, whatever you are paying for is your say. 

    The moral here is that money comes with strings and power.  Whoever is paying has the high ground.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-completely-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d953721-fcb1-455b-8e5e-77f6c6c50f3ePost:883c22e6-b155-443d-a42d-248f3b2711d4">Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our advice will completely depend on where the money is coming from.  Here's the scenarios: A.)  You are paying for everything yourselves:  In which case, to heck with their drama.  Smile, carry on, politely deflect, change the subject, and have the wedding you want.  Your money, your rules.  Period. B.) They are paying for everything themselves:  Sorry, but tough cookies.  You're being horribly rude by hedging them out on how their money is being spent.  Their money, their rules.  Period. C.) Halvsies: Whatever they are paying for is their say, whatever you are paying for is your say.  The moral here is that money comes with strings and power.  Whoever is paying has the high ground.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    <div>Cosigned me.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-completely-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d953721-fcb1-455b-8e5e-77f6c6c50f3ePost:883c22e6-b155-443d-a42d-248f3b2711d4">Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our advice will completely depend on where the money is coming from.  Here's the scenarios: A.)  You are paying for everything yourselves:  In which case, to heck with their drama.  Smile, carry on, politely deflect, change the subject, and have the wedding you want.  Your money, your rules.  Period. B.) They are paying for everything themselves:  Sorry, but tough cookies.  You're being horribly rude by hedging them out on how their money is being spent.  Their money, their rules.  Period. C.) Halvsies: Whatever they are paying for is their say, whatever you are paying for is your say.  The moral here is that money comes with strings and power.  Whoever is paying has the high ground.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    Co-signed,
    GLB
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • They are paying for the grooms dinner and nothing else (which is completely fine with us) Otherwise the money is coming from my parents and ourselves. 
  • Oh my fiance is definitely there defending me and has told them multiple times that they can't speak to me that way. He has told them to back off. He does most of the talking while we are around them and does everything in his power to keep the arguments at bay, but they don't listen to what he has to say. They don't care to listen. 
  • Don't feed into their drama. Since they are not paying, you should stop running every detail by them. They can't judge your decisions if they don't know about them. Give them the basic details - date, time, location and leave it at that. If they become more agreeable, you may adjust their level of involvement if that's what you want to do.

    If they are paying for the groom's dinner, that is the party that they get to plan.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-completely-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d953721-fcb1-455b-8e5e-77f6c6c50f3ePost:7d5a6b13-a646-44cd-83e7-7d230aba422e">Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh my fiance is definitely there defending me and has told them multiple times that they can't speak to me that way. He has told them to back off. He does most of the talking while we are around them and does everything in his power to keep the arguments at bay, but they don't listen to what he has to say. They don't care to listen. 
    Posted by mthomas701[/QUOTE]

    Multiple times means they aren't taking him seriously. He needs to take it a step further.

    Does he still live with them?
  • vanityinkvanityink member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-completely-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d953721-fcb1-455b-8e5e-77f6c6c50f3ePost:2ce1b3e3-dfff-49d8-8172-6e4d8a8d7240">Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive : Multiple times means they aren't taking him seriously. He needs to take it a step further. Does he still live with them?
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    <div>It was already stated in the original post that 1) Her FI stands up for her and 2) They are living together 2 hours away (since one of the things they disapprove of is that she and FI live together)</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: </div><div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;"> "They disagree with most things that we do in our lives together, <strong>including living together</strong>, jobs we have, and now the fact that we are getting married. "</div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">
    </div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">"We <strong>currently go to school two hours away and rarely go home</strong> to see them and this is another thing that they have a problem with." </div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">
    </div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">"<strong>My fiance has defended me and has told them not to speak to me that way,</strong>but they continue to do and say that they have the right to."</div></div>
    photo a826c490-726a-4824-af5c-d938878de228_zpseb85bb5a.jpg
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-completely-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d953721-fcb1-455b-8e5e-77f6c6c50f3ePost:826a501d-07e8-4420-9f49-22d8fc7b33ce">Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive : It was already stated in the original post that 1) Her FI stands up for her and 2) They are living together 2 hours away (since one of the things they disapprove of is that she and FI live together) ETA:   "They disagree with most things that we do in our lives together, including living together , jobs we have, and now the fact that we are getting married. " "We currently go to school two hours away and rarely go home to see them and this is another thing that they have a problem with."  " My fiance has defended me and has told them not to speak to me that way, but they continue to do and say that they have the right to."
    Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE]

    She also said that he tells them <strong>over and over</strong> to be nice to her but <strong>they don't listen to what he has to say</strong> and <strong>continue to treat her like crap</strong>. Clearly telling them to be nice isn't doing the trick, <strong>therefore he needs to take it a step further</strong>. Ohterwise she's in for a lifetime of this.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grooms-family-completely-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d953721-fcb1-455b-8e5e-77f6c6c50f3ePost:1dc840e8-8dfb-430e-ba4b-2f2bac91ac8f">Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's Family Completely Unsupportive : She also said that he tells them over and over to be nice to her but they don't listen to what he has to say  and continue to treat her like crap . Clearly telling them to be nice isn't doing the trick, therefore he needs to take it a step further . Ohterwise she's in for a lifetime of this.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    Yep.  Just like with children, they are not going to listen unless they know there will be consequences if they do not.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • After your FI sticks up for you, do they continue right away?  I think it's time to change up the plan.  If they start, FI sticks up for you and they continue, FI should say "I will not stand for you talking to mthomas this way.  If you do not stop, we will leave."  And be prepared to pack up and leave the house to go back home to yours.  If they realize you won't stick around to hear the abuse, they may learn to stop it.
  • I wouldn't even have them pay for the groom's dinner.  People who are that unsupportive and nasty should not be involved in the planning process at all.

    Tell them nothing whatever about the plans as long as they continue to be hostile.

    And your FI needs to be forceful with them about expecting them to treat you with respect.  Whatever he's doing now is clearly not working.

    To be honest, I'd expect them to boycott by way of making an ugly statement.  Be prepared for that.
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