Moms and Maids

Bridal Shower - How much is too much?

 I am a bridesmaid in my brother in laws wedding. I am very close with the bride, but don't know the other bridesmaids very well. The MOH is beginning the planning for the bridal shower and sent an e-mail saying the cheapest place is going to cost each girl between 175-275 $ depending on how many guest come. Just for the food. This price does not include the cake, decorations, favors or group gift (if we go that route). My husband and I are on a very strict budget trying to save for our first home. Not to mention we have 3 other weddings for close family in addition to this one, plus wedding gifts, bachelorette party's etc. The other bridesmaids are college students, so I know they don't have much money either, but since they are all family members I am sure they have parents willing to pay their share. Now as much as I would love to throw her a nice shower where everyone dresses up and we have Sunday brunch, I just 1. cant afford that, and 2. feel this just 'isn't the bride', she's a very laid back gal who never does anything over the top. I guess my questions is, should I just dish out the money and find a way to cut my budget elsewhere, or should I stand my ground and insist that I can not afford this? I did put in the suggestion of having it at a different place (like a firehouse or something) and we can all cook something! Is this 'tacky'? I am nervous of the backlash I am going to get from the other girls. Any feedback would be great! Thanks!!

Re: Bridal Shower - How much is too much?

  • It was extremely rude and wrong of the MOH to assume you could afford that. She should have first asked who wanted to help at all and then discussed budgets with each of you privately. You should NOT feel bad for standing up to her and letting her know you cannot afford this. The other girls may be thinking the same thing, but are too afraid to speak up. Even if they are having someone pay their share, you are not a bad BM for not being able to pitch in. 

    So the MOH needs to scale back, big time, or find other means to pay for this shower. 
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  • OHH GOOD!! I was very nervous about my response, but glad to see that someone else sees my point!! Thank you
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    The MOH is doing things backwards. She should have called each of you to ask if and how much you were each able to contribute. Then she should have asked each of you for ideas.

    No, it's not tacky to have the shower in a fire house and have each bm bring a dish. The others might appreciate your suggestion. It was tacky and very presumptuous of the MOH to plan a party and try to invoice the other girls for the cost.
                
  • The MOH is way out of line and you need to tell her that you simply cannot afford that. Tell her you can spend X amount and that's as much as you can go, but you'd be more than happy to meet with her to go over some budget-friendly options.

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  • The MOH should have discussed budgets with each BM. She is wrong to assume everyone is willing and able to pay that amount. Chances are you aren't the only one who thinks that is a lot of money. Instead the MOH should have picked a place within everyone's budgets. She may need to find a different venue or pay a bit more since she wants to have it there. If I were you, I'd say something.
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  • How much is too much?  $1 more than someone VOLUNTEERS.  Good for you for standing up to the MOH!
  • I would stand up to her. It isn't her job to plan whatever she feels like and then ask for funds if she is expecting others to pitch in or help. If she wants a team effort, she needs to work as a teammate.
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  • In Response to Re: Bridal Shower - How much is too much?:
    How much is too much?  $1 more than someone VOLUNTEERS.  Good for you for standing up to the MOH!
    Posted by pgcp
    I love this answer!
  • So first - you're totally right to respond and let her know that it's just not feasible for you.  Having a pot-luck style event (where the hosts are making the food, not the guests - just to clarify) is totally okay.  Most bridal showers when I was growing up were held in someone's home with tuna/chicken salad croissants, punch, a veggie tray and some cake/cookies - definitely not $175/bm! 

    second - I don't think the MOH is totally out of line here.  I mean, I could be wrong, but it sounds like she hasn't planned anything yet.  So she's not emailing you "Hey, you owe me $175 for the party I planned" but instead is saying "hey, the cheapest place I've found is $175, what do you think?"  Yes, she should have asked for budgets up front, but it does sound like she's trying to give you the opportunity to speak up.  So just dont jump down her throat unless she really is being MOHzilla...
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    I would let her know that is too much to spend.  Is there a house where the the shower could be hosted?  One of the mothers, maybe?  My shower was at my FMIL's house, but my girls did all the work setting up and breaking down the event. 

    Why don't you try your local board for suggestions on nice halls where you can bring in your own food. . .
  • I'd definitely say something. That's a lot of money to ask of anyone regardless of their financial situation. 
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  • My shower was at my mom's house.  My sister (MOH) planned it and it was an ice cream social.  It was ADORABLE.  The decorations were awesome and everybody loved that it was different than a typical shower.  It was not very expensive at all.
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  • It was extremely rude and wrong of the MOH to assume you could afford that. She should have first asked who wanted to help at all and then discussed budgets with each of you privately. You should NOT feel bad for standing up to her and letting her know you cannot afford this. The other girls may be thinking the same thing, but are too afraid to speak up. Even if they are having someone pay their share, you are not a bad BM for not being able to pitch in.  So the MOH needs to scale back, big time, or find other means to pay for this shower. 
    Posted by em01092
    This exactly!  She is being totally unreasonable! 
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  • Thanks everyone for the feedback. Its been about 2 weeks since the first dicussion and at this point she is 'expecting' everyone to pitch in that much. I told her I would not pay more then 150 total (for everything, favors, food cake and decorations) and that was it. It seems as if the mother of the bride is running the show and any other suggestion 'isnt appropriate for a shower'. I am not sure what showers she has been to, but I believe someone's house is appropriate. If the mother of the bride is willing to foot the bill fine by me, have it at the whitehouse for all I care. Its coming to the point where I may just pull out of the wedding. So far I have not invested any money into a dress or anything, and I just cant be expected to spend almost 1,000 on this wedding....
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